Friday, August 31, 2012

Hash Trash 1637

Delving into the archives of hash-words of runs from the distant past your Scribe discovered that probably the last time we ventured into the heights of Tapatapa’o was on run 884, in March 1998, set by Greenie. On that evening the hash covered a good deal of this trail when the river was a raging torrent of “greenie”-brown water rather than the scenic scramble over the large dry boulders that we enjoyed this week. Well of course that doesn’t include TTG who managed to almost drown herself in the two inches of very smelly stagnant water that pretended to be a stream. Even hashmen who normally flock to perve any hashmere in a wet T-shirt were put off by the monster-from-the-marsh apparition that was TTG as she lay spread-eagled in foetid water. But more of that later. First a succession chariots roared up the long-winding road to Tapatapa’o, no-doubt leading many of the usual residents to think that either someone very important had died or that there was to be big function at Dave Barkers Cloud 9 bar. But the chariots raced past the entrance to Cloud9 screeched to a halt and did a hard left-hand-down-a-bit to Toa’i and Cecilia’s parent’s garden. The pack sniffed the cool, clean mountain air, listened to the birds in the trees and thought how wonderful it would be to live up here – until they remembered that it was probably 10km to the nearest shop selling beer, fags or bread. Anyway a large crowd of hash chariots had made the journey and even Today and Tomorrow found their way to the start which was something of a miracle since they were lost in Vaitele last week.  Finally the GM called the pack to order and the instructions were to follow paper out of the gate and on-right. Well that was clear enough, certainly there was plenty of paper as we headed towards Cloud9 where the trail to a right through the hedge and through a newly cut bush area and down into the stream-bed. And that was about a clear as the trail got. No paper anywhere but than a whisper passed up the long line of hashmen vainly looking for some sign of the trail, that the trail was now set on red ribbons!!!  Red ribbons!! What are we, a Morris Dancing team or hashmen….. maybe the hare thought there would be a sudden flood to wash away the paper but by the looks of the grass growing between the rocks in the stream there had been no water in it for weeks… finally a piece of red ribbon was spotted on a fallen tree we plodded, scrambled and stumbled over the rocks and boulders. Toothfairy was seen clutching his ankle and we thought we might have to call Sam the Fireman to come and rescue him, but the thought that the ESA response time was probably several days he gamely staggered to his feet and pressed on. Finally we came upon some water which seemed to just disappear into the ground leaving us to wonder where it might reappear since there had been no sign of any water in the stream so far. TTG obviously decided to make a closer inspection and promptly fell flat on her face in the water which turned out to be exceedingly smelly and probably full of all sorts of nasty bacteria. Even the prospect of hashmere in a wet T-shirt could not stop nearby hashmen from backing away from the ghastly apparition that was now TTG. Those of the pack who have been watching the endless replays of MIB on tv3 will have some idea of what TTG looked like. After another few hundred metres of slipping and sliding and trying to avoid putting feet, let alone bodies in the stagnant water, we came to a broken weir and finally some paper again. The paper led up the right but then was no more, Swinger, Owen and sundry other FRBs disappeared up the hill, while the rest of the pack checked around the various other trails; and then from the back of the pack appeared Transporter strewing paper hither and thither and calling on on as he too headed up the hill. There were serious mutterings about live hares, failing to set clear trails, leaving bits of Cecilia’s knicker-elastic tied to tree roots and sundry other offences that would need to be dealt with later. And so the pack came up out of the valley and gathered outside the small church that marks the end of the road and a steady down-hill run on home.
Not much running on the first part of the trail but a great venue and some new country for most of the pack. And so to the Circle.

New Footprints and virgins: Charlotte from OZ brought by Nina; John from NZ brought by Lady Finger who we were told was otherwise known in NZ as Gold Finger & Greasy Finger.
Next up were the usual retread culprits: Prince had been in NZ being briefed for his new job in the Australian High Commission; Nina had been doing “other things”; Snake had been keeping the home fires stoked in NZ celebrating Fang’s 50th birthday and had brought Skunk back with him after also celebrating Skunk’s 90th (?) birthday in NZ. Rod also made a return to the hash having been away for 30 years. 

This week’s celebrity award went to Swinger whose mum had been featured as an expert witness in a much publicized indecency case in which she had explained in some detail to the CJ how to rummage around in ladies’ naughty bits in a way that does not arouse any suspicion of naughtiness. All hashmen should take note.
As usual Poumouli had sent in his dubious selection of history and the days of St Monica and St Gregory were celebrated by Lewinsky and the various Gregs in the circle.  It was also the birthday anniversaries of Donald Bradman (b1908) which brought forth Ozzie as a budding cricketer; Mother Teresa (b1910) was represented as a saintly mere by Ring Ring (who probably needs the patience of a saint to live with Insecurity); the Mary Poppins film was first released in 1964 and Hornithologist was chosen as the hash’s most-like Poppins character; and in 1993 some medical records were discovered which showed that doctors had prescribed large quantities of cocaine and heroin solutions to Queen Victoria, so our resident doctor Toa’i took the DD. I can’t understand why Queen Vic always looked so miserable, she must have been between prescriptions. Finally from the hash archives it was 16 years to the day that Weathercock had his farewell run (797) from the old Outrigger at Vaiala beach. And now he is leaving again tonight.

Snake was nominated as Shoe Inspector and after some desperate attempts to find someone to dob he picked on Nina, who refused to drink from her shoe as her foot had been inside it ……. Yes and soooo, better your own foot than someone else’s. The GM offered his boot but at this she almost went into a faint. Up steps gallant “uncle Lewinsky” to let her drink from a mug lodged inside her new boot. At this a great cry of accusation went up from the circle, “uncle” Lewinsky, in the absence of POD, up to his usual tricks trying (and failing as usual) to impress the meres …. So the pair of them did a DD.  Hornithologist then dobbed herself by talking about “Neville”.
Transporter was next to be dragged forward for failing to tell the GM that the run was set on red-ribbons (red knicker-elastic, a souvenir piece of which has been kept for the Hash Shrine when we finally find a suitable Ark), as well as paper, this lack of information led Weathercock and sundry BWBs to lose the trail as soon as we hit the stream bed and so they wandered aimlessly around for half an hour trying to find a way out. Fortunately it seems that Today and Tomorrow had just about managed to keep the tail end of the pack in sight as they slowly climbed through the rocks so we didn’t lose them this week.

Godfather was up next for failing to stop TTG from falling into the stagnant water and then telling her that whilst she looked good in the wet T-shirt, she did not smell too nice from the swamp.
Tallyho was then the subject of much mirth and derision as his GPS didn’t work on the run cos we were so far from civilization there was no mobile signal and his head-lights weren’t needed cos we were back in daylight. One day you lot will be sorry for this ……

For the weekend rugby results Prince stepped forward for the winning ABs, Weathercock for the zero-scoring Wallabies and Owen was the surrogate Springbok. Next those who remembered Transporter’s run a few weeks ago recalled that his “workshop” was mainly full of old wrecks used as props for a certain mobile phone advert. It seemed to the hash tonight that his business empire must be expanding as the “in-laws” garden was also full of wrecks for which he was awarded a congratulatory DD. Sassy then dobbed Rob for trying to fondle TTG, fortunately for him Godfather wasn’t watching and the DD was taken by Lady Finger. Sassy was on a roll with this dob (she’s probably not getting much other sort of rolling at the moment with a crook hubby) and so called Brent into the circle for standing in the road watching in hope for his missus to appear in the distance – it was not clear whether he was hoping she would appear or hoping otherwise. After this Toa’i was dobbed by the GM for failing to pay him for services rendered (or something like that anyway) and then the GM himself ended up with a Double for something to do with the BBQ. Snake then spotted Owen leaning, and this prompted Lewinsky to call for a congratulatory DD for Snake who had fixed the wiring in Lewinsky’s den of iniquity after many years of dodgy wiring when patrons were at risk of being electrocuted every-time they bought a beer. This caused uproar in the circle; Lewinsky using hash beer to pay Snake for work done in his bar, what a tight bastard, the wrath of the hash was great, and Lewinsky was also in the circle with Snake.
Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you
For I can't help falling in love with you

Like all SPREP staff Weathercock has nothing to do each day except surf-the-net and wait for the climate to change; today in his surfing he had spotted that Neil Armstrong had gone on another journey, presumably even beyond the moon this time, and called for all those born-after the first moon-landing on July 20 1969 to step forward. Although this probably applied to most of the circle Brent, missus Brent, Owen and Toa’i stepped forward to represent the rest.
The thought of long journey’s stirred Sassy again and she called Toothfairy into the circle for sending his missus and ankle-biter off to NZ so he could play more golf….. Transporter then dobbed Lewinsky for something or other but the pack was as confused as your scribe (and Transporter) and both ended up with mugs in their hands. The Hares and Hosts, Cecilia, Toa’I (and mum n dad), Prince and Transporter, were commended for a great venue and run in new ground for most of the pack, and for the even greater spread of food that could be seen on the table, a veritable feast with two pua’a doing their bit for the gratification of the hash. Finally Owen, Brent & Swinger, members of the hash team for the perimeter run on Saturday, were sent on their way with mugs of the fluid of sustenance.

Next week’s run will be at Snake Pit 2, opposite Senese  School in Vaitele.
And for those that like to sing-along with Godfather this week we have the words to “only fools rush in”, an apt summary of the hash.
On On and Toodle Pip

No comments:

Post a Comment