Talofa Hashers, and yes it was run number 1634 this week,
and not as our innumerate GM SOTB would have you believe. The Hash was hosted
at the very last minute by Tallyho at his Palace on Poles in Siusega. He also
doubled up as the Hare, and we were greeted by his sweat stained visage as he
returned from setting the trail – apparently he had set out at 5 PM so he must
have set quite a pace, as we were about to find out! Anyway, it was quite a
warm day, and the sun was still frolicking, so out we went – left at the gate,
and through the driveways of his neighbours. Leading off were Hot Nuts and
Poumuli, soon catching them were Cockblocker, Renee, Ozzie and Skidmark. We
then did a circuitous route through the Faleata sports fields, keeping on the
roads on the exceedingly well marked trail. A few falsies in this area, but the
trail was quickly reacquired given the nimbleness of several FRBs. We then
turned towards the lower Siusega area, and running straight into the setting
sun created some near crashes with non-Hashing meres who would not vacate the
pavement, Skidmark almost skid into the drain while Poumuli dodged a bullet in
the form of a dopey taxi driver not paying attention. Tallyho waited at the
lower corner of the sports fields and directed us deeper into the Siusega back
roads. These roads are named, but your Scribe had had his eyeballs seared by
the glare so was unable to read or remember them. Anyway, three blocks up and
we turned left back towards Tallyho’s place, with only a slight 200m off road
track to finish us up back at the house. Here the Godfathers sweet nuts awaited
glistening, expertly chilled. A good longish run, very well marked, so no one
could possibly get lost, although some princely morons did, but perhaps we
should have run it in the opposite direction to avoid being blinded!
SOTB was absent, so Hot Nuts was dumb enough to take up GM
duties. He called those new to Apia Hash to step forward, and these were Johnny
Bermuda (with MNRE for 3 weeks) and Purdey (Oz climate change person based at
SPREP. By popular vote they were given their first down-down. The Rethreads
were Hot Nuts (away on leave), Andy (travel), Xavier, Owen, Renee and
Nutcracker (cracking down on HN). CB was asked to do the shoe inspection and
failed miserably, however the jandal wearers stepped forward to take it for him,
prompting loud cries of pussy from Tallyho that CB didn’t also get one. Anyway,
Frances, Buzzer, Bruce and Xavier took the shoe award for CB.
Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky (Dad in the paper,
Eveready chosen as closest living relative) and Godfather (was on TV 4 nights
in a row). Godfather accepted that he should get 4 for that, but requested that
it be shared by Snake, Swinger and Titty Galore (a loud noooo was heard from
the kitchen). Tallyho piped up that we always have something for Westpac and
they are never here, but this time we had Skidmark, who was joined by Crime. CB
then nominated the GM for not knowing the rules, to which Tallyho added that CB
should bloody well have one also for knowing the rules, for a change.
This Day in History Awards went to BB (1971 1st
Pacific Islands Forum meeting held, Swinger took it), Dumass (International
Beer Day), Tallyho (St. Sithney’s Day, patron saint of mad dogs) and Poumuli
(St Olaf’s Day, patron saint of Norway).
Opening up for nominations, Poumuli nominated Tallyho for
being deceitful in the blog as he had claimed that no history had been
received, when in fact this had been sent in by Poumuli. Lying Through His
Teeth Award to Tallyho.
Tallyho had been seeing off the pack, when a hasher who turned
up late asked for directions, and set off in a totally different one. So a The
Moron Formerly Known as Prince Award went to Prince. Godfather, who had been
missing in action last week, but who had asked Frances to play the uke for him,
had learned that there were several rude hashers who had complained about the
playing. Thus Lewinsky and Pussysnatcher were due a Ukulele Disparagement
Award, which went to closest living relatives Dumass and CB (who lived up to his
intended hash moniker suggested by Slim Shady of Whiny Bitch).
Poumuli had been over at the Nash Hash in Pacific Harbour,
and had met Tallyho’s mate Premium, who had pointed out Tallyho’s local
property. Now while admittedly the property had been viewed from afar, and the
facts didn’t quite match. But Tallyho’s riposte that his property had 39
erections on it and not a single brick brought the house down in favour of a
single to Tallyho – Budding Stripclub Owner Award.
Frances had been reunited with her Hasher and they had
arranged a romantic evening of dinner and games, only to be rudely gatecrashed
by Pat and Johnny Bermuda, so they got a That’s Unspeakable Award after Tallyho
made enquiries about the games part. Swinger had been helping a fellow hasher
move house, only to arrive at the house to find that nothing had been packed,
nothing organized, and then said hasher ran out of fuel on the way to the new
house and had to be rescued. For this debacle, the Grossly Exaggerated Award
went to Poumuli, only to be doubled by Wahoo for departing to Fiji the next day
and leaving her to be pampered by sundry relatives and friends.
Like many Hashers, Tallyho suffers from Tuesdayitis, a
strange affliction requiring more running after the Monday Hash to recover
senses and so forth. So he set forth on a sally around the Beach road sea wall
with Captain Mortein. Taking a small break for a chat, they observed CB come
gallivanting along, only for him to fire a derogatory broadside of pusillanimous
insults at them for not running. Well it all became so confusing that both of
them had to take the We Are Not A Sporting Club Award, although Tallyho deftly
used his Hash Coconut as a dribbling cup.
The Olympics came up and the lack of Australian medals was a
subject for much hilarity. Compounding this was the faux pas in The Australian
Newspaper describing North and South Korea as Naughty and Nice Korea
respectively, so all the rednecks Bruce, Ozzie, Skidmark, Purdy and Owen took
the Advance Australia Award. Poumuli suddenly had a brain wave that the Scots
had won a first gold medal for GB in tennis, by a guy named Andy, so Andy the
Scot got the Handy Award. Further on sports, CB had been watching the pounding
that the Sharks had received at the hands of the Chiefs, so Frances was picked
for the Poundee Award and Prince for the Doing the Pounding Award.
Hot Nuts thanked Tallyho for stepping in as Host and Hare,
stepping into (or onto) the breach as it were, and the Hash saluted them both
as they drank their fill from what can best be described as a specimen jar.
Nutcracker also got the cooks – Snake, Karaoke, Titty G and Horny Ho – were given
a down-down.
Next week is Father’s Day and the run will be at Tafatafa
Beach. Details later.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit
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