Talofa Hashers, and yes it was run number 1634 this week, and not as our innumerate GM SOTB would have you believe. The Hash was hosted at the very last minute by Tallyho at his Palace on Poles in Siusega. He also doubled up as the Hare, and we were greeted by his sweat stained visage as he returned from setting the trail – apparently he had set out at 5 PM so he must have set quite a pace, as we were about to find out! Anyway, it was quite a warm day, and the sun was still frolicking, so out we went – left at the gate, and through the driveways of his neighbours. Leading off were Hot Nuts and Poumuli, soon catching them were Cockblocker, Renee, Ozzie and Skidmark. We then did a circuitous route through the Faleata sports fields, keeping on the roads on the exceedingly well marked trail. A few falsies in this area, but the trail was quickly reacquired given the nimbleness of several FRBs. We then turned towards the lower Siusega area, and running straight into the setting sun created some near crashes with non-Hashing meres who would not vacate the pavement, Skidmark almost skid into the drain while Poumuli dodged a bullet in the form of a dopey taxi driver not paying attention. Tallyho waited at the lower corner of the sports fields and directed us deeper into the Siusega back roads. These roads are named, but your Scribe had had his eyeballs seared by the glare so was unable to read or remember them. Anyway, three blocks up and we turned left back towards Tallyho’s place, with only a slight 200m off road track to finish us up back at the house. Here the Godfathers sweet nuts awaited glistening, expertly chilled. A good longish run, very well marked, so no one could possibly get lost, although some princely morons did, but perhaps we should have run it in the opposite direction to avoid being blinded!
SOTB was absent, so Hot Nuts was dumb enough to take up GM duties. He called those new to Apia Hash to step forward, and these were Johnny Bermuda (with MNRE for 3 weeks) and Purdey (Oz climate change person based at SPREP. By popular vote they were given their first down-down. The Rethreads were Hot Nuts (away on leave), Andy (travel), Xavier, Owen, Renee and Nutcracker (cracking down on HN). CB was asked to do the shoe inspection and failed miserably, however the jandal wearers stepped forward to take it for him, prompting loud cries of pussy from Tallyho that CB didn’t also get one. Anyway, Frances, Buzzer, Bruce and Xavier took the shoe award for CB.
Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky (Dad in the paper, Eveready chosen as closest living relative) and Godfather (was on TV 4 nights in a row). Godfather accepted that he should get 4 for that, but requested that it be shared by Snake, Swinger and Titty Galore (a loud noooo was heard from the kitchen). Tallyho piped up that we always have something for Westpac and they are never here, but this time we had Skidmark, who was joined by Crime. CB then nominated the GM for not knowing the rules, to which Tallyho added that CB should bloody well have one also for knowing the rules, for a change.
This Day in History Awards went to BB (1971 1st Pacific Islands Forum meeting held, Swinger took it), Dumass (International Beer Day), Tallyho (St. Sithney’s Day, patron saint of mad dogs) and Poumuli (St Olaf’s Day, patron saint of Norway).
Opening up for nominations, Poumuli nominated Tallyho for being deceitful in the blog as he had claimed that no history had been received, when in fact this had been sent in by Poumuli. Lying Through His Teeth Award to Tallyho.
Tallyho had been seeing off the pack, when a hasher who turned up late asked for directions, and set off in a totally different one. So a The Moron Formerly Known as Prince Award went to Prince. Godfather, who had been missing in action last week, but who had asked Frances to play the uke for him, had learned that there were several rude hashers who had complained about the playing. Thus Lewinsky and Pussysnatcher were due a Ukulele Disparagement Award, which went to closest living relatives Dumass and CB (who lived up to his intended hash moniker suggested by Slim Shady of Whiny Bitch).
Poumuli had been over at the Nash Hash in Pacific Harbour, and had met Tallyho’s mate Premium, who had pointed out Tallyho’s local property. Now while admittedly the property had been viewed from afar, and the facts didn’t quite match. But Tallyho’s riposte that his property had 39 erections on it and not a single brick brought the house down in favour of a single to Tallyho – Budding Stripclub Owner Award.
Frances had been reunited with her Hasher and they had arranged a romantic evening of dinner and games, only to be rudely gatecrashed by Pat and Johnny Bermuda, so they got a That’s Unspeakable Award after Tallyho made enquiries about the games part. Swinger had been helping a fellow hasher move house, only to arrive at the house to find that nothing had been packed, nothing organized, and then said hasher ran out of fuel on the way to the new house and had to be rescued. For this debacle, the Grossly Exaggerated Award went to Poumuli, only to be doubled by Wahoo for departing to Fiji the next day and leaving her to be pampered by sundry relatives and friends.
Like many Hashers, Tallyho suffers from Tuesdayitis, a strange affliction requiring more running after the Monday Hash to recover senses and so forth. So he set forth on a sally around the Beach road sea wall with Captain Mortein. Taking a small break for a chat, they observed CB come gallivanting along, only for him to fire a derogatory broadside of pusillanimous insults at them for not running. Well it all became so confusing that both of them had to take the We Are Not A Sporting Club Award, although Tallyho deftly used his Hash Coconut as a dribbling cup.
The Olympics came up and the lack of Australian medals was a subject for much hilarity. Compounding this was the faux pas in The Australian Newspaper describing North and South Korea as Naughty and Nice Korea respectively, so all the rednecks Bruce, Ozzie, Skidmark, Purdy and Owen took the Advance Australia Award. Poumuli suddenly had a brain wave that the Scots had won a first gold medal for GB in tennis, by a guy named Andy, so Andy the Scot got the Handy Award. Further on sports, CB had been watching the pounding that the Sharks had received at the hands of the Chiefs, so Frances was picked for the Poundee Award and Prince for the Doing the Pounding Award.
Hot Nuts thanked Tallyho for stepping in as Host and Hare, stepping into (or onto) the breach as it were, and the Hash saluted them both as they drank their fill from what can best be described as a specimen jar. Nutcracker also got the cooks – Snake, Karaoke, Titty G and Horny Ho – were given a down-down.
Next week is Father’s Day and the run will be at Tafatafa Beach. Details later.
Poumuli, IKA Slit