The Hash was hosted by Lewinsky, Princess of Darkness, ProBoner and the children out at Taumeasina. Several of us had spotted a panting and sweating Lewinsky on the road outside Apia Park, but none of us imagined the torture he had been planning! A calm and warm day, perfect for a run under normal circumcisions, or so we thought. Lewinsky directed us on left out the gate on to Matafagatele Street. We got to the entry to the mangroves by the bridge, and a few set out to check if there was a trail there, but to no avail. Trail continued down the dry and dusty road, cloaked with helpful rubbish fires. Another circle check at the Vaivase Road junction had some chugging further down towards Fagalii, but the trail was found and it was up into the back of Vaivase. Some had run so far ahead that when the true trail was found on lower Cemetery road, they figured they would continue around Vaivase primary and hit the road back at Faipule Road. So that is how Tallyho and Gayboy nearly ran over the rest of the pack in their eagerness to return to the beer. Down Faipule we went, right to the UN buildings and then on home past Apia Park. By my dead reckoning on the map I put that at a 6km run, without the false trails!
Back at Taumeasina, the GM and Crash Bandicoot were busying themselves with the BBQ while the rest of us rehydrated through the medium of Godfather’s sweet nuts.
The GM called the circle to order and asked those new to Apia Hash to step forward. Before that though he was caught out in cellphonus interruptus, and after tossing his phone to the floor did his award. The newcomers were Jane, Craig and JT who were brought by Godfather and who are engaged in some charitable work on the south side; Sara and Monique brought by Witch Doctor; Jamie from Vailele brought by Cockblocker; and Jamie from Jersey who had been brought by someone called Simma. Screamer was brought forward in honour of this slip-up.
The rethreads were Poumuli, Vai Vai, Moa, CB, Transporter, Skidmark and Crash. No explanations were asked, none given. Lewinsky the Shoe Inspector set about with vigour, as he was no doubt aware that he would receive his just rewards this evening. Remarkably he found two – Weathercock and Jamie, who both took this horror without a shred of dignity. The GM decided that Lewinsky should also get the Doing His Job Award for finally finding some new shoes.
Celebrity Awards went to Sexpot (infomercial in the Observer, taken by Skidmark) and DavidH (article in Marshall Islands Journal on waste, taken by closest living relative Screamer). Gayboy claimed to have seen Godfather in the paper, but had brought no evidence – but in the end Craig did the honours.
This Day in History Awards went to Crash (St Francis Day), Tallyho (1888 volcano Mt Bandai erupts, killing hundreds, much like Tallyho’s voice), and SOTB (1960 Jane Goodall begins her studies of chimpanzees, closest living relative being SOTB). Finally a Product Placement Award was given to Tallyho for lending his name to a brand of cigarette (yeah?) rolling paper. He protested this one vehemently, accusing Poumuli of using said paper for illegal use.
The GM started his awards by giving a Biggest Loser Award to Skidmark for shedding 13kg in the gym, which he intended to put back on him with the next few awards. The GM had also provided assistance to Vai Vai to get a Hash swim team (to be named team Sharkbait) for the local swim contest, but on the stipulation that the GM be gentle with him during the circle. This was of course the proverbial sharkbait, or chum, which led to a large one being poured for Vai Vai.
Claiming to be working in Savaii, the GM had stumbled across Sexpot and Desperate Housewife, who pointed out the peculiar menu at a certain resort. All the hamburgers were named after the Lewinsky/POD offspring! Which beggared the question why the ingredients for each were so different and why were they priced so far apart! This wasn’t even bad parenting – it’s a Child Traumatisation Award for when they learn to read!
Three leaners, Sara, Crime and Pirate Princess were spotted, before nominations were taken. Poumuli nominated Pirate Princess and ProBoner for the Gastronomically Confused Award, having taken Wahoo to CV for lunch, and instead of spring rolls got samosas and instead of a papaya smoothie got a tuna papaya salad. The two restaurateurs were joined by Deidra. Poumuli also had an Easy Rider Award for Strangler, having spotted him on his new motorbike, hair aflow from under a Nazi biker helmet.
The GM had enough of this, and nominated Poumuli for bringing back some deadly bug that had him spewing his lungs out on the run. Transporter had been wagering on a game at a local establishment of some ill repute, and was good to go until the TMO decision nearly derailed him. Anyway, the taker of the bet all but disappeared at that point, and when cornered Lewinsky refused to pay up as it was his bar! Then Transporter got a bit kerfuffled in his explanation which had diverted into Lewinsky paying for his butt, and as Tallyho pointed out – no poofters in the Hash, so Transporter, joined by Gayboy, received the Mangled Storyline Award. Get it straight next town (oh how we pun).
Sassygirl BJ nominated an over-excited visitor who had showered her with kisses earlier – Craig thus continued the downward spiral. This inspired the GM to relate how one Hash Mere had brought the softies and insisted that she had to go home to look after some kids, oh but have one beer, ok then, and she never left! Titty Galore stepped forward somewhat shyly for the No Child Left Behind Award.
Poumuli pointed out that Witch Doctor, Ninja and Hiromi were leaving, so a Leavers Award was given. Sassy waxed biblically for a while on the story of Samson and Delilah, and since Samson had cut his hair was brought forward for the Lost Mane Award. He was joined by CB for some sort of poofterism. Screamer tried to get Sassy for doing that nomination while leaning, which led to accusations of butt-looking, and the inevitable shared award for wearing the same colours of black and red.
Lewinsky had a gripe to pick with Prince for entertaining guests at previously mentioned lugubrious hellhole of an excuse for a bar, and claimed he hadn’t paid his tab. A vigorous defence by Transporter turned out to no avail, but nor did it save Lewinsky!
Godfather’s visitors then did an unusual little raffle for us, leading to prizes being given to Neil, Pirate Princess, Witch Doctor, Transporter, Crime, Snatched, Monique, Deidra, Godfather and Prince. Since the latter was an All Blacks shirt, the GM demanded that all Kiwis do the Haka, and led by Prince this brought tears of horror to the eyes of many of the children present. All seriousness aside, the GM then decreed that the entire NZ visiting crew do a down-down.
The Hare and the Hosts, Lewinsky, POD, ProBoner, and chefs SOTB and Crash were honoured. A special Hash Anthem performance, led by the supremely masturbatory antics of Tallyho, was carried out in honour of the leavers.
A superb feast was consumed and the beer flowed well into the night.
Next week’s hash will be hosted by Crime in Togafuafua behind Apia Park. It will be a Hash Sports Day so watch the blog for details.
Poumuli, IKA Slit