Welcome to this edition of Loneliest Planet, reporting to
you from Upper Vaoala in Apia, Samoa, where we were invited to attend a special
socio-cultural event known as the Apia Hash. This is celebrated religiously
every Monday by a disparate group of misfits, dyspeptics, over-the-hill
sportsmen and the disabled, as they especially cater for sufferers of Tourette
’s syndrome. This is all overseen by their high council, known as
Mismanagement. Our hosts were Katy and Speedhumper, who had also been out to
set the run. There was very little warning for what was to come, save a shouted
Hash Circle from a lady known as Sassygirl BJ. We were told that the run was
set on flowers, which we thought was a nice touch, given the green and fragrant
nature and flora of this island. We felt somewhat sheepish to discover that
they meant the ground and milled variety used in baking. Nevertheless, we
gamely followed the pack, as it had been foretold to us that there were some
vicious dogs awaiting en route. Going up the soon-to-be paved Cross Island Road
was a cultural delight, with scenic views marred only by the elevated garbage
cans required to prevent canines making comestibles from the trash. Some lovely
houses along the way, ranging from the humble Samoan fale to luxury villas that
would not look out of place in Mogadishu. The trail took us down the Lamosa
Road, which was so named as it is the Samoan
abbreviation for the London Missionaries who brought their no-tattoos,
no-naked, no-dancing and culturally sensitive version of the gospel to these
unsuspecting people. Apt that this is where the aforementioned canines resided.
To call them rabid, slobbering, snapping bitches would be an insult to Lady
Gagas everywhere. Thankfully the kind homeowner came out and beat several of
them to a pulp with a stick, pour encourager les autres. We then emerged onto
our starting road, but took a path less trodden, and we saw some lovely
examples of Abelmoschus moschatus, so valued in India, which seemed to thrive
here. We then crossed over a dried creek, to follow a trail through some thick
healthy stands of Bambusa vulgaris, complemented by Casuarina equisetifolia which
is an evergreen conifer-like angiosperm. We were then returned by way of what
was called a false trail, which allowed the stragglers at the back to all of a
sudden be at the front, and were first in line for some lovely local coconuts,
procured by hand by the strapping lads of Poutasi. Next week we will be
sampling the delights of a place called Tafaigata which we have been
recommended to visit by some charming helpful expatriates here.
Sassygirl BJ stepped in as GM as POD has been stricken with
the chicken. She called the circle to order, and asked the newbies to step
forward. These were Simon (brought by some bird, more later) and Sandrine known
as Kitty Kitty. They both got their first down-downs. Retreads were Snatched
(making more Hashers), Pussysnatcher (breast feeding), Faumuina (holidays), Bad
Investment (lazy), Titty Galore (with mum), Aaron (working) and Speedhumper (busy).
Shoe Inspector Sunny Side Up, tried but failed. Celebrity
Awards went to Cunning Linguist for trying to disguise his journalist tag as
The Tokelau Council and Pussysnatcher for Snatched for her story about men in
skirts.
This Day in History Awards went to Murray for Gayboy (1851 –
William Lassell discovers the moons Umbriel, and Ariel, orbiting Uranus), Witch
Doctor (1905 – Sweden accepted the independence of Norway), Claudia (1917 –
Battle of Caporetto; Italy suffers a catastrophic defeat by the forces of
Austria-Hungary and Germany on the Austro-Italian front of World War I (lasts
until 19 November - also called Twelfth Battle of the Isonzo) - The young
unknown Oberleutnant Erwin Rommel captures Mount Matajur with only 100 Germans
against a force of over 7000 Italians), Hot Nuts (1945 – Founding of the United
Nations), Poumuli for Dawn Raid (1970 – Gary Gabelich sets a land speed record
in a rocket-powered automobile called the Blue Flame, fueled with natural gas)
and Godfather for Swinger (Feast Day of St James the Just).
Turning to the GM’s Awards, while this was a nice place for
Hash, OSH would have had a field day with the low hanging garrottes used for
clothes – Speedhumper, Aaron and Katy, helped by Daz, as this was the longest
chorus to date!
The GM had met a new yoga instructor in town, who had been
warned by IRA about hitchhiking and also sundry shady characters, but had
disregarded the advice, had hitchhiked and been picked up by Bad Investment – A
Chronicle of Disaster Foretold Award. Following on, after the run one of the
Hashers had been a bit frisky, trying to get Titty G to come out into the
bushes, to see, er, the tomatoes. Not only were these minuscule, but such hanky
panky is against the Hash Rules, to be posted later. Eveready got the Wanna See
My Bush Award.
Also this week, a Hasher had locked himself in his office,
and had to phone someone to get the keys from his car to let him out – Hot Nuts
for the Houdini Award. But Godfather stepped in and related how they had been
watching the rugby, and Hot Nuts said, ok same time tomorrow? Which meant that
Godfather sat up and waited for 3 hours before the game started. Thus the award
was doubled.
A Hasher had approached some meres for help on the weekend,
as he was afraid to go home. Apparently he had been helping himself too
liberally (literally) with the local girls, and now one brother wanted to bash
him up. As Cunning Linguist prepared, Alex noted that another Hasher had
valiantly fought off a gorgeous local girl’s advances, and lucky for him as her
boyfriend turned up a few minutes later. Daz got the Unhashmanlike Behaviour,
while CL’s was really just Woozzing Out Award.
During the run some other unhashmanlike behaviour had been
displayed by Poumuli according to Hot Nuts. Claiming he had steamed away from
the pack, Poumuli replied that no, he had been last with Godfather, but the
false trail found him at the front. And it was Hot Nuts who had shown undue
athleticism by running fast to catch him up – people watching would think this
was some sort of sporting club! In the end Simon, Hot Nuts and Poumuli took
this one.
Hornithologist arrived and got the award for Simon missing
her name. She also brought a friend, Glen, apparently also similarly erectile
when around birds, and he was delegated to have a down-down for Hornithologist
leaning.
Cunning Linguist wanted to award the GM for admitting on
Facebook that she was inubriated, thereby implicating all that were with her.
This failed on language alone, while Poumuli pointed out that CL had not been
taught proper English enunciation in his adopted country, thus Murray got one
more.
Poumuli also noted the large number of unsolved crimes
recently, thus Crime. There then followed a discussion around the 1800th
run, and it was agreed that it would be pushed back to the 16th of
November. Vailima will be sponsoring and Sassy will be sending around order
details for the shirts. Murray also made an announcement regarding the Jazz
Festival on the weekend. And Claudia will have a birthday bash at the Edge on
Thursday.
The Hares and Hosts were saluted, before we chowed on
delicious home made burgers, WHO rulings be damned.
Check blog for next week’s run – likely to be at Hot Nuts’s.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit
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