Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Draft Apia Hash Rules

Again Mismanagement invites comments on the draft Apia Hash Rules, adopted from Hashes around the world. For your consideration...
  1. There are no rules. 
  2. No poofters. 
  3. See rule 1. 
  4. The Grand Master (GM) is always right.
  5. When the GM is wrong, rule 4 applies. 
  6. The Religious Adviser (RA) is always right except when rule 4 applies. 
  7. No poofters. 
  8. The Hash Cash and run numbers are always right. If there is a perceived discrepancy between the stats and reality then reality is warped. 
  9. No stealing (see hereunder - definition of stealing):
    Stealing - the covert removal of another Hasher's property with the intention of depriving said hasher of such property for an indefinite period of time. 
  10. No stealing, but borrowing is okay (see hereunder the definition of borrowing):
    Borrowing - the act of covert temporary removal of another Hasher's property (property in this instance is confined to items of a portable nature and directly related to hashing such as mugs, bugles and run books). Substantial items such as kegs whilst being directly related to hashing should never be borrowed. At all times the property borrowed is held for a relatively short period of time and always returned in good order. Often suitable engraving to record for posterity the guile of the borrower enhances such property. Borrowing is a complex issue and where any doubt exists the GM should be consulted. 
  11. No poofters. 
  12. Rain is not permitted during Hash runs. The RA is personally responsible for ensuring that fine conditions prevail for a period of not less than four hours each Hash day from 15:00. 
  13. No discrimination. Poms, Frogs, unemployed, dogs, women, NGO types, criminals, teachers, disabled, nymphomaniacs and even lawyers are all encouraged to run Hash. Alcoholics are particularly welcome. Athletes are tolerated in some Hashes. Athletes and dogs whilst permitted to run can never aspire to become Grand Master. 
  14. Definitely no poofters. 
  15. No competitiveness. 
  16. Under no circumstances are poofters permitted to run Hash. 
  17. No training. Hashers caught training will be deemed to have breached rule 15 and will be liable to punishment. A range of activities may be interpreted as training, and for guidance the following non-exhaustive list is provided:
    a) running other than official Hash runs
    b) cycling (fornication on a push bike is exempt)
    c) visiting a gymnasium for any other purpose than perving on the aerobics class
    d) using the stairs while lifts or escalators are available
    e) servicing the wife/girlfriend when so pissed it is a marathon effort. f) stretching of any kind (though exceptions may me made for particularly beautiful women).
  1. All Hashers must commit to memory rules 1, 2 and 3 and be able to recite them at any hour of the day or night regardless of their state of inebriation. 
  2. Poofterism will not be f**king tolerated under any conditions. 
  3. No fighting on the Hash. This rule is absolute and the entire culture of Hash relies on strict adherence to this rule. If a fellow Hasher causes you immense displeasure by stealing your car or impregnating your daughter (wives are exempt) then belt shit out of him at some other place than Hash and on some other day than Hashday which is a day of reverence and tranquility.
  4. Poofters will be shot on sight. No poofters. 
  5. Amendments to Rules 2, 7, 11, 14, 16, 19, 21 and 22 are illegal.
  6. The Shoe Inspector (SI) shall be called upon to seek out any new shoes at the appropriate time in the circle and perpetrator shall drink one down down from the shoe. If refusing to drink from own shoe, then this can be substituted for the SI or GM shoe. If no new shoes are found the SI shall take a down down. In the absence of the SI, the GM may appoint an interim SI at random.
  7. Live hares, if caught on the run, shall have their shorts pulled down. Unless the GM specifically states that rule 24 is not in effect.
  8. The Hash Shrine shall be placed in the middle of the circle at each Hash. The Shrine Master shall be responsible for adding Hash mementos to the Shrine.
  9. A Hashman shall not covet a fellow Hashman’s mere, nor his ass, nor anything that is his; see also rules 9, 10 & 20.
  10. No fondling shall be permitted on hash; fondling shall be deemed to be any sort of touching between a Hashman and a Hashmere, other than when retrieving car-keys or cash from pockets, bras or jock-straps; there can never be any touching between Hashmen or Hashmeres of the same gender, see Rules 2, 7, 11, 14, 16, 19, & 21.
  11. No chariot riding shall be permitted on a hashrun; ankle-biters under the age of 5years are exempt from this rule. A chariot shall be deemed to be any sort of vehicular perambulation that does not require a Hashman or Hashmere to propel him/herself forward by placing one foot in front of the other on the ground. This would however enable an otherwise incapacitated Hashman/Hashmere to join the hashrun by sitting astride a hobby-horse (or rigid inflatable doll) with wheels attached provided that it was propelled by foot-power.
  12. The Hash Shit shall be awarded by the incumbent Hash Shit, or if absent by the GM, to a Hasher who has committed a crime so heinous it exceeds punishment. The crime and the recipient shall be placed before the circle for a vote.
  13. No pissing on the Hare’s Trail.
* Poofter: 1) Somebody that should not be on the Hash 2) A Whiner or Winger 3) Somebody that lets other people find trail. 4) A Poofter.

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