As your trusty scribe Poumuli is away, he has passed over his taser quill to Lesbian Vampire Killer, who is honoured to take on the role of sub-assistant-vice-trainee-scribe in his absence.
Hosted by Tony Blair and Selena at Tuaefu, and attended by a pack of close to forty, the trail was notable for a huge amount of dogs and a trail no one managed to find successfully. Hailing as I do from Transylvania (or is it Lesbos?) your scribe enjoyed the slightly cooler weather and bit of rain that occurred during the run.
GM for the night was initially POD, and later SOTB.
Newbies were Nat and Matt from Australia, brought along by Sassy Girl and here for a bit of business, a bit of a holiday; Karen from Queensland who is visiting Ros; Mele from New York who has just moved to Samoa; and Emmanuel from Bolivia, who is here to visit his family and get married.
The retreads were Long Dong Silver, Pro Boner and Cocaine. Cocaine announced she was here to have a holiday and get married. Eveready questioned Cocaine as to why she has two kids already and is only getting married now.
Retread Anton was pulled up for not declaring himself as a retread and made to drink.
There were no new shoes.
Hare Cocaine declared that everyone shortcutted on the run. Rather than having a mass down down and a prematurely ended Hash circle, leaders of the pack Hot Nuts, Swinger and Larry were made to drink.
Cocaine and Ring Ring were dobbed in by Madam GM for breaking the first rule of trail setting – don’t double up on the trail. Ring Ring tried and failed to deny the accusation.
Luke and Zsa Zsa were then accused of breaking another rule of Hash – don’t swim in Tony Blair and Selena’s pool before the circle. Zsa Zsa replied “It was a very nice swim. I was swimming doggy style!”
The lovely Pirate Princess was nominated by the GM for a 21st birthday award, which occurs on the 1st of December. Lewinsky presented her with a beer and declared her “finally legal”.
The celebrity award went to myself, a double for being in the newspaper and on TV. As Poumuli gets this award pretty much every week, while I never do, your scribe is now slightly concerned that in taking on Poumuli’s role as scribe she is slowly taking on the characteristics of Poumuli. Don’t be surprised to see me speaking Norwegian and tasering puppies at next week’s run.
The Christmas party season has begun, surely a breeding ground for down-down worthy incidents.
The One the Rocks Christmas Party had been held on the weekend and Crash was given the living-up-to-your-Hash-name award for crashing a car. In Crash’s absence, Pro Boner and Lewinsky were made to drink.
Your scribe was nominated by Zsa Zsa for attending the movie star themed SPREP Christmas Party yet not dressing up as a Lesbian Vampire Killer. I responded that with such that hash name it is hard to know exactly what to dress up as. Vampire? Lesbian? Killer Lesbian? By vote, Zsa Zsa was made to drink, but ended up passing half of it the whipping girl with the notebook anyway.
Sassy gave Mr Whippy a down down for having a matai title yet not being able to crack a nut. Tony Blair then accused Mr Whippy of drinking with the pumpkin hat on, but this backfired as apparently the pumpkin hat can be worn during the circle. “Rule 69E” according to Lewinsky.
Your Lesbian Vampire Killer then invited her cousin Mele to partake in her first down down, to see if fast skolling runs in the blood (pun intended). Turns out it does! Yours truly was made to drink as well.
Larry gave Bits and Pieces the Whinging Dutchman award for turning up late to Hash, not doing the run, and not singing the Hash song.
A knife-wielding Eveready nominated Tony Blair for asking him to do some work for him on a Sunday, which Eveready then completed, only for Tony Blair to say they didn’t need it anymore. Tony Blair declared him a knife-wielding maniac and Tony Blair, Selena and Eveready were all made to drink.
Sassy gave the slut award to SOTB, who started off in Savaii with five girls and ended up with ten.
Tony Blair gave Zsa Zsa an award after he found a sugar packet out at Stevenson’s with a quote from Zsa Zsa Gabor herself: “I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced I keep the house.” Zsa Zsa drank, accompanied by Pro Boner and Lewinsky. Zsa Zsa amazed everyone, most of all himself, by finishing his drink first.
Swinger gave Larry an award for throwing rocks at other Hash men.
Ros noted that it was the Slapper’s 13th birthday, and that in her absence her closest relative, the Mad Hatter, should drink. Mad Hatter sneakily evaded this award, leaving Ros to drink, accompanied by Lewinsky for trying to take over as GM.
Eveready noted that for the first time in Hash history, people turned up with ready-made Hash names - Matt and Nat. “So let’s see if they’re Hash material,” he said. Nat showed she is certainly Hash Mary material, by finishing her drink first. Matt was made to drink again for practice.
Tony Blair was made to wear the pumpkin hat for falsely accusing Mr Whippy. Under torchlight interrogation from the GM, it was exposed that while Tony Blair’s top matched the hat, he was in fact wearing the hat around the wrong way. Epic fail from Tony Blair.
The monkette then announced that “the monk is here” and the monk arrived to dish out a large round of initiations into the cult that is the Apia hash.
The monk had heard Larry had been causing problems and chaos with the water people, and also that he loves Vailima. Hence he was christened Vai Vai. Vai for water, and Vai for Vailima.
The monk had heard that Emmanuelle was famous, a genius, and addicted to Cocaine. He was named Maradona.
Mandy was named Chook because she loves shopping and gets up to mischief while doing it. The Monk was particularly harsh on chook, cracking eggs on her head that Chook later noted “felt like they were hard boiled”.
Next up was the “beautiful young man Noel” who loves to mediate. He was named Yogi Bear.
Yogi Bear’s brother Gabriel was next, named the Sundance Kid.
The Monk than announced she was off to find her reindeer, and promptly departed into the night.
AC/DC had turned up by this time and was given a latecomer award.
Crash was given another award, this time from Eveready, for failing to produce fish for the Toonai. After some discussion, Lewinsky was left holding the down down.
Hot Nuts berated Swinger for having no sense of adventure after deciding not to go on a waterfall walk because it was raining. They ended up having coffee at a beach resort instead. Swinger declared it was Hot Nuts who didn’t want to walk in the rain. The GM justifiably awarded both men the Mangina award.
In something your scribe had never seen in her time at Hash, Zsa Zsa dobbed himself in for a down down. He had been driving Dawn Raid and Poumuli to the airport in the rain and they had hit their heads on the roof when Zsa Zsa went over a speed hump. Wear your seatbelts next time boys!
To wrap up, hares Ring Ring and Cocaine, hosts Tony Blair, Selena and Maradona all drank.
Next week’s run will be hosted by POD and Lewinsky at Taumasina.
Lesbian Vampire Killer.