Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Hash Trash 1721

The Grand Old Duke of York may have marched his men up the hill then marched them down again, but we in the Apia Hash do not trifle with such petty nobility. No we go full ancien regime and bring forth our own Princess, of Darkness. Having arrived at Granny Smiths and spending an interminable time getting the cars parked in the narrow confines of the Westpac compound, we discovered that we had no Hare. Godfather demurred on this task as he had no hair, Crime was injured, and Skidmark runs much further and faster these days. So POD was selected and she announced that she would go up the hill as far as the pack could take and then return. So she did. Highlight on the run was a car stopping and handing off a blender to one of our new runners, who actually carried it for the rest of the run. It was on home for Godfather’s sweet nuts – although Snake complained that the one he got was too old! 

Julia Gillard the GM called the circle to some sort of order, challenged as we were by the presence of a pool and no lighting. Several new Hashers were present – Ben (oz, doing cricket finance), Matt (Oz, tourism), Lachlan (Oz, maths at NUS) and Josie (Oz) all brought by Nicole who came last week. Down downs were poured and quickly eliminated.

Then there were the visiting Hash Meres Creamed (Auckland Hash House Harriettes) and Heave Ho (Aloha Hash House Harriers). Unfortunately they are only here for a brief visit.
Retreads were Wahoo (looking after a Munchkin), Poumuli (opening water reservoir in Marshall Islands), Cyrus (working – what for 6 years?), Nell (packing) and Lewinsky was brought in thanks to Cyrus. AC/DC and his brother Vitale showed up and joined in the down downs. ACDC was late because of some government workshop and shit.

The GM reiterated that there was a fundamental rule at the Hash that there should be no poofters, and he had espied a Hasher walking with a handbag – not in his hand – but daintily slung over his shoulder. Not only did it match his shorts, it also made Lewinsky look like a Glee cast member. A Catwalk Award for Lewinsky.

Granny Smith had been welcomed at the GM’s abode last weekend, and had left rather late, and had sent continuous text messages after leaving. This would have been an Intrusion of Privacy Award had not the GM responded that he was “trying to do it”, thus the GM joined Granny in a Too Much Information Award.

This Day in History Awards went to Sassygirl BJ (240 – Shapur I is crowned as king of the Sasanian Empire), ACDC for Gayboy (1407 – The lama Deshin Shekpa visits the Ming Dynasty capital at Nanjing. He is awarded the title "Great Treasure Prince of Dharma"), Granny Smith (1976 – The Apple I is created), Lewinsky (1999 – US President Bill Clinton is cited for contempt of court for giving "intentionally false statements" in a sexual harassment civil lawsuit).
Celebrity Awards went to Godfather (double for numerous Observer appearances), Poumuli (in the Marshall Islands Journal), Granny Smith and the GM (Hyundai story in the Observer). They were quickly joined by Nessie and Josie for leaning.

At this point the Mad Monk of Apia Hash made an appearance, and called forth Nell, whose past career has included beautician tasks such as girl waxing, but also some form of bedazzling of the bare parts and beyond. She shall henceforth be known as Vagazzler. She was joined by the Monk for a down down.

Skidmark appeared out of the gloom and was accused of coming late, hiding from the GM, or both. As he could not make a preference the GM doubled it. POD noted that the GM had waxed on about the full moon, and asked closest living relative to Full Moon – Nicole – to take her award.
A shoe inspection was called for and Snake located two on the new guys, Matt and Ben – they both drank from Ben’s shoes. At this point ACDC made an announcement about his climate change activism through 350.org and the challenge that they were making to the Oz coal industry. This was a lengthy one so an FBI award was called for, but he was joined by a rep from the coal  area of Oz, namely Lachlan from Kalgoorlie, and Matt who was hanging from the tent.

Lewinsky nominated Da Head in celebration of his rather large baby, and he and Cyrus took this as closest living relatives. POD nominated Skidmark for Exceptional Athleticism Award for his Ironman activities. ACDC nominated all of Mismanagement for keeping the Hash Family together.
Poumuli had been travelling and was again horrified by the blatant name brand placement by one of the Hash Meres. He produced the evidence in the form of Sassy’s Suckies, a sort of yogurt in a tube. Granny Smith had been having a good time at the Hyundai event when he was shocked to find out that the GM had his fly down. This indecent exposure event needed to be texted to the GM by Vagazzler, who after some discussion on whose is bigger, took the award.

POD nominated Matt for the extremely rare appearance of a blender on the run, and he took his award from the blender. It was also pointed out that blenders form a large portion of the work at On the Rocks, thus its owners were also included in the award.

Sassygirl BJ had been away and was impressed by all the new fit hashers, including the two meres who had just rocked up and sat down, thinking they must have come to Hash before. As this was not the case Creamed and Heave Ho got the Sassy Award for Insouciance.

Vagazzler nominated Snake for leaving his poor mum Nessie to fend for herself, and he knocked over Poumuli’s cup in his haste to get to the beer, so your poor Scribe joined the reptilian. Witch Doctor and Ben were given a down down because they hadn’t had one yet. They were also joined by Crime for lurking in the dark and ACDC for the subtle smell of dope in the air.

ACDC launched another FBI length story about his betrothal, the gist of which is that we will be invited to his 2nd proposal in marriage. Vagazzler nominated Lewinsky for his Birthday Award, while POD joined him as it was also their 6th wedding anniversary (we need to look at the mathematical implications of this).

Matt had been so impressed by the ability of Ben to downgrade his cooking abilities to the point where he couldn’t as much as cook an egg, so a Samoa Master Chef Award to Ben, joined by Lachlan for the Pocket Billiards Award. At this point Granny Smith pointed out the similarities in demeanour and look between Lachlan and the GM, so they received the Brothers from a Different Mother Award.

The Hare and the Hosts were saluted, followed by a hearty rendition of the Hash Anthem.

Check the blog for details of the Easter Run which will be held at Tafatafa Beach.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

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