The Hash was hosted by Poumuli, Wahoo and Amalia at Bank Street in Vaoala. It was a cool evening after the rain, with verdant green hues all about, and the run had been set as a A-to-B run. Meaning that you start the run at A, and end up at B. You would know that you were at B when you saw Kiwi in his blue flat bed truck. The trail was set on paper, but obviously some locals had messed with it. The pack set out up Bank Street to Cross Island Road, and in the drive to Le Spa. This was the first false trail. Regrouping they set off down the hill, as some paper had been blown down there. Wrong. Poumuli had to dispatch Offspring to explain that the real trail led back down Bank Street. Sending Offspring was perhaps not an inspired idea, as she has the attention span of a small rodent, thus many of the walkers decided to call it a day. A side track had been laid on the embankment which sent several scurrying through the bushes. At the bottom of the hill, pack was lured to head up towards the cow pastures, where there was another false trail. This took the pack down the familiar route to the river, but some ran up towards the back road to Mynas – another false trail. Back on track the pack was again misled up towards the Animal Protection Service (yes a blue truck! had gone up there, a few days before! Not a flat bed), and then it was on home through the Forestry station to the Mt Vaea parking lot where Kiwi dutifully awaited. No one seemed to have been tricked by the false trail to the back of the museum. Many were slumbering as they came down Bank Street, with Godfather showing off the real nuts.
POD called the circle to order, and there were several newbies: Flip (I think), Paul, Fuss, Vanessa the 2nd, Nathan, Debbie and Wet Pussy’s mum. Retreads were Ozzy Osbourne (in Oz), Strangler, Ditch (doing better things), Possum, Bogun Barbie, Da Head, Matt and Matt. All took their reward.
New Shoes were immediately obvious and needed no investigation – Stiletto, Witch Doctor, Paul and Imelda da Welda.
Celebrity Awards went to Wet Pussy for ACDC (in paper on climate protest), Sassy (Samoa for Real photo), Pussysnatcher (in Tonga newspaper), Snatched (conservation society formed, photo) and Imelda (mum in paper).
This Day in History Awards went to Sassygirl BJ (636 – The Rashidun Caliphate defeated the Sassanian Empire at the Battle of Qadisiya in Iraq), Witch Doctor (1905 – Prince Carl of Denmark becomes King Haakon VII of Norway), Lewinsky (1911 – The Doom Bar in Cornwall claimed two ships, Island Maid and Angele, the latter killing the entire crew except the captain. – the Hash agreed that there was only one Bar of Doom in Samoa), Gayboy (1942 – World War II: Battle of Stalingrad – Soviet Union forces under General Georgy Zhukov launch the Operation Uranus counterattacks at Stalingrad, turning the tide of the battle in the USSR's favor. – who else would get excited about turning tides with Uranus), Lewinsky again (1998 – Lewinsky scandal: The United States House of Representatives Judiciary Committee begins impeachment hearings against U.S. President Bill Clinton) and for numerous bastard comments Poumuli (International Day for Tolerance).
The GM turned to her awards, starting with those who did run and who witnessed Godfather’s collapse on to the truck and the subsequent kama sutra moves before passing out. While accepting the Making the GM Blush Award, he stated that he had hoped for some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Many will recall that at a Hash some time ago Gayboy had refused a down down on medical grounds and had got his girlfriend to attest to this. It had now been ascertained to have been a lie, thus a Telling Porkies Award. Finally, Da Head had had his son baptized, and Lewinsky (really?) had been the Godfather. The priest turned to ask “and the Godmother”, to which Da Head, erred, oh its her, pointing to POD. We hope he is better at organizing a pissup in a brewery.
Kiwi was called in to the circle for not admitting being a retread, which is a double, and went down at double speed, or more than 15 times Lewinsky speed. A special nomination was given to the Hare for setting the run with the most falsies of the year.
At this point the Mad Monk of the Apia Hash appeared. She had flown in on a broomstick especially for one special little girl, Amalia. In homage to the mangling of her Mother’s hashname, she shall henceforth be known as Yahoo! Her Father Poumuli did the duties on the naming, which thus included excessive flour, beer, chilli sauce and sundry dog poo.
Opening up for nominations, Poumuli nominated Lewinsky for not bringing his voice to Hash. He countered that this was such a gay nomination that Gayboy should take it. The Hash agreed that all three should take the Voiceless Award.
Sassy wanted to nominate Pussysnatcher for doing such an awesome athletic job of not only catching up to the pack but running back up the hill instead of riding the truck. Since Sassy didn’t even get to B to ride the truck she got the award instead. Pussysnatcher was then successful in getting Strangler an award for Ozone Depleting Substances in the air.
Gayboy nominated Crime for Chariot Riding with Offspring. Sassy had been doing her usual limbering up before the run, but newbie Fuss had simply gone to the keg. Poumuli pointed out that he actually hadn’t but at this point Sassy had mangled Beyonce’s name so got the award. Beyonce joined for avoiding the retreads. Finally Sassy managed to get a hit by nominating Ozzy for the Environmental Award for revving his bike for Nathan.
The hosts and the hares, Wahoo, Yahoo!, Poumuli and Witch Doctor were saluted, joined by Gayboy for cellphonus interruptus. We then farewelled Offspring who is off to lower the IQ level in Australia.
Next week at Taumeasina.
Poumuli, IKA Slit