And from the east the sun will rise, verily the weekend
shall come to pass, and yeay there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth as it
was realized that it was Monday. The hang that is over needed tending, as the
prophet Jehosephat said unto the Philistines, and thus they gathered in their
multitudes, even unto the number four, and set a path for the settlement of the
Lewinskyites. Guarded by ungodly hounds, this was the setting for the past
execution of hashes. The high steward greeted the gathered with bewilderment,
saying unto them, this has nothing to do with me, thou seekest mayhap my sister’s
wisdom as to whence thou shallt pounce towards. And the voices of the soon to
be sodden rose up in a groan of on-on, and they were led from the settlement by
its high priestess POD. Like the mighty sand dunes of the Sinai they inched
forward at her command, and the holy trail was soon apparent to all. Since the
Blocker of Cock was not present the pace, nay the rhythm of the pack, settled
to as steady a one as the trickle of the Jordan. Nevertheless, at the appointed
time, it was as if a burning bush had appeared in the chest of Lewinsky, who
with sturdy companions continued the quest to return to the settlement. And
like a Red Sea their path was blocked – not having the presence of mind to
invite Moses along, they turned as one and called upon the Godfather to show
them the way. He resolutely strutted towards the water where sight unseen a
bridge appeared – it’s a miracle they cried, Jehovah! And from behind the
tamaligis the bearded dogs were stoned away as penance. Having crossed this
mighty rivulet the wanderers girded up their loins and continued on, only to
have their loins tempted by the harlot of the neighbouring tribe. Lewinsky
offered to “see off” the harlot with his mighty stick, but Godfather chastened
him – as the meek shall inherit the lamb, I shall go in thy place, and further
re-girdled his loins for action. But swift as a willow the harlot departed,
leaving instead a tale for the campfire to stir the hashers. And as they passed
the mighty hounds, fearlessly guarding the settlement with the drool of a
thousand spittoons, the wanderers rejoiced and sang praises that they had been
delivered.
POD called the circle to order and asked for any newbies to
step forward. These were Irish Cullum, only here for the beer, Seamus from
Melbourne and Mike the Pom. The retreads were Poumuli (gallivanting around the
north Pacific), Witch Doctor (working) and Titty Galore (tonsils removed or
removing tonsils?).
Murray was appointed Shoe Inspector, and while nearly
failing, he was helped out by Lewinsky’s admission that his were indeed new.
Celebrity Awards went to Godfather (double for being in several edition of the
Observer), Murray as closest living relative to Transporter (story about Chinese
firm in Vaitele dumping car parts) and Slim Shady (on the radio).
This Day In History Awards went to Witch Doctor for Pirate
Princess (864 – The Edict of Pistres of Charles the Bald orders defensive
measures against the Vikings), Poumuli (1030 – Ladejarl-Fairhair succession
wars: Battle of Stiklestad – King Olaf II fights and dies trying to regain his Norwegian
throne from the Danes), Cullum (1487 – Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands
strike against a ban on foreign beer), ProBoner (1908 – United States Attorney
General Charles Joseph Bonaparte issues an order to immediately staff the
Office of the Chief Examiner (later renamed the Federal Bureau of
Investigation) and Sunny Side Up (National Hot Dog Day).
The GM had some awards of her own, namely that in honour of
the US Presidential visit to Kenya, our visiting white Kenyan Dave should take
a down down. This was quickly followed by the Ashes Award which went to Seamus
and Mike.
The GM had also been made aware of a recent scandal
involving the Deputy Leader of the House of Lords, sniffing and cavorting and
getting a soft landing – Godfather and Titty G. Witch Doctor got the Truck
Abuse Award for denting Poumuli’s Ranger.
Opening up for nominations, Slim Shady nominated the entire
medical team for the Slackness Award, as none of them had offered to examine
her as yet. Cullum retorted that she must be desperate for a physical, and a
big one was handed over.
Andy noted that Seamus would like to be known as Captain
Skits, but also recounted how Seamus had gone “full retard” on the weekend and
accidentally pooped his pants. The technical term for this is a shart – mass with
gas, more than you bargained for, to gamble and lose, when the fart bubble
becomes the mud bubble, basically a portmanteau of shit particles and gas. The
Hash re-nicknamed him Shameless Shitter. He was joined by the Irishman on the
phone, quickly repeated as a Headbanger Award.
Seamus then nominated Andy for acquiring a disease that is
only seen in cattle, the Hand-Foot-and-Mouth Disease, and being a misogynist
communist. Andy also nominated Mike for completing the age-old Pom tradition of
proposing while drunk.
Poumuli nominated the Hare for Confused Trail Setting, and
forgetting that she was hosting, and POD nominated the chef – Crime. Not
content, Slim Shady nominated Poumuli for wearing a bright gay pink floral shirt.
The defense that it was for a family function bore no fruit, but as Godfather
was wearing pink Slim Shady joined for a Defamation Award.
The final nomination from Cullum went to Dave for pulling a
girl but not having a relationship with her. This prompted Poumuli to ask
whether there was another Hasher who “had not had relations with that woman”,
which brought forth Lewinsky.
The Hosts and the Hares and the Beer Wench were saluted –
ProBoner, Slim Shady and Titty G. A feast of too many bangers and mash and some
other stuff went down well.
Watch the blog for next week’s run.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit
