Thursday, July 30, 2015

Hash Trash 1787

And from the east the sun will rise, verily the weekend shall come to pass, and yeay there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth as it was realized that it was Monday. The hang that is over needed tending, as the prophet Jehosephat said unto the Philistines, and thus they gathered in their multitudes, even unto the number four, and set a path for the settlement of the Lewinskyites. Guarded by ungodly hounds, this was the setting for the past execution of hashes. The high steward greeted the gathered with bewilderment, saying unto them, this has nothing to do with me, thou seekest mayhap my sister’s wisdom as to whence thou shallt pounce towards. And the voices of the soon to be sodden rose up in a groan of on-on, and they were led from the settlement by its high priestess POD. Like the mighty sand dunes of the Sinai they inched forward at her command, and the holy trail was soon apparent to all. Since the Blocker of Cock was not present the pace, nay the rhythm of the pack, settled to as steady a one as the trickle of the Jordan. Nevertheless, at the appointed time, it was as if a burning bush had appeared in the chest of Lewinsky, who with sturdy companions continued the quest to return to the settlement. And like a Red Sea their path was blocked – not having the presence of mind to invite Moses along, they turned as one and called upon the Godfather to show them the way. He resolutely strutted towards the water where sight unseen a bridge appeared – it’s a miracle they cried, Jehovah! And from behind the tamaligis the bearded dogs were stoned away as penance. Having crossed this mighty rivulet the wanderers girded up their loins and continued on, only to have their loins tempted by the harlot of the neighbouring tribe. Lewinsky offered to “see off” the harlot with his mighty stick, but Godfather chastened him – as the meek shall inherit the lamb, I shall go in thy place, and further re-girdled his loins for action. But swift as a willow the harlot departed, leaving instead a tale for the campfire to stir the hashers. And as they passed the mighty hounds, fearlessly guarding the settlement with the drool of a thousand spittoons, the wanderers rejoiced and sang praises that they had been delivered.

POD called the circle to order and asked for any newbies to step forward. These were Irish Cullum, only here for the beer, Seamus from Melbourne and Mike the Pom. The retreads were Poumuli (gallivanting around the north Pacific), Witch Doctor (working) and Titty Galore (tonsils removed or removing tonsils?).

Murray was appointed Shoe Inspector, and while nearly failing, he was helped out by Lewinsky’s admission that his were indeed new. Celebrity Awards went to Godfather (double for being in several edition of the Observer), Murray as closest living relative to Transporter (story about Chinese firm in Vaitele dumping car parts) and Slim Shady (on the radio).

This Day In History Awards went to Witch Doctor for Pirate Princess (864 – The Edict of Pistres of Charles the Bald orders defensive measures against the Vikings), Poumuli (1030 – Ladejarl-Fairhair succession wars: Battle of Stiklestad – King Olaf II fights and dies trying to regain his Norwegian throne from the Danes), Cullum (1487 – Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands strike against a ban on foreign beer), ProBoner (1908 – United States Attorney General Charles Joseph Bonaparte issues an order to immediately staff the Office of the Chief Examiner (later renamed the Federal Bureau of Investigation) and Sunny Side Up (National Hot Dog Day).

The GM had some awards of her own, namely that in honour of the US Presidential visit to Kenya, our visiting white Kenyan Dave should take a down down. This was quickly followed by the Ashes Award which went to Seamus and Mike.

The GM had also been made aware of a recent scandal involving the Deputy Leader of the House of Lords, sniffing and cavorting and getting a soft landing – Godfather and Titty G. Witch Doctor got the Truck Abuse Award for denting Poumuli’s Ranger.

Opening up for nominations, Slim Shady nominated the entire medical team for the Slackness Award, as none of them had offered to examine her as yet. Cullum retorted that she must be desperate for a physical, and a big one was handed over.

Andy noted that Seamus would like to be known as Captain Skits, but also recounted how Seamus had gone “full retard” on the weekend and accidentally pooped his pants. The technical term for this is a shart – mass with gas, more than you bargained for, to gamble and lose, when the fart bubble becomes the mud bubble, basically a portmanteau of shit particles and gas. The Hash re-nicknamed him Shameless Shitter. He was joined by the Irishman on the phone, quickly repeated as a Headbanger Award.

Seamus then nominated Andy for acquiring a disease that is only seen in cattle, the Hand-Foot-and-Mouth Disease, and being a misogynist communist. Andy also nominated Mike for completing the age-old Pom tradition of proposing while drunk.

Poumuli nominated the Hare for Confused Trail Setting, and forgetting that she was hosting, and POD nominated the chef – Crime. Not content, Slim Shady nominated Poumuli for wearing a bright gay pink floral shirt. The defense that it was for a family function bore no fruit, but as Godfather was wearing pink Slim Shady joined for a Defamation Award.

The final nomination from Cullum went to Dave for pulling a girl but not having a relationship with her. This prompted Poumuli to ask whether there was another Hasher who “had not had relations with that woman”, which brought forth Lewinsky.

The Hosts and the Hares and the Beer Wench were saluted – ProBoner, Slim Shady and Titty G. A feast of too many bangers and mash and some other stuff went down well.

Watch the blog for next week’s run.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

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