Monday, July 25, 2011

Hash Trash 1578

Greetings all - another fine literary piece from Tallyho.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Know Your Fellow Hashmen and Meres
FRB - Front Running Bastards (eg,CB, Hotnuts, Seismic, Zsa Zsa, Pussysnatcher, and other such nose-in-air hashmen )
FWB - Front Walking Bastards, usually only found at the start of the run as the pack shambles off in search of paper, often gossiping hashmeres and tamaititis who only run 50 yards before getting puffed
MRB - Middle Running Bastards, solid hashmen all including Godfather, Swinger, Poumouli, Tallyho, Lewinsky, and hashmere Ring Ring as well as SOTB, Steakman, Kiwi and Crime (when they’re not SCBs)
BRB - Back Running Bastards, the Whippers-in of the BWBs, (Snake is usually the hashman here), and other mature hashman such as Orgy, EverReady, hashmeres SassyGirl and Karaoke on a good day)
BWB - Back Walking Bastards most of the hashmeres and the really old and decrepit hashmen
SCB - Short Cutting Bastards, e.g. Kiwi, Crime, Snake, when he isn’t a BRB, and Steakman when he can find another SCB who knows the trail
NRB - Non Running Bastards, aka Late Cumming Bastards usually found already lurking by the keg when the FRBs get back from the run, e.g. Crash & AC/DC.'

How long is a piece of string? How short is a short-bread biscuit? These are a just couple of the questions that have exercised the minds of the great philosophers for centuries. So here we were on Monday posed with a similar philosophical challenge by the hare SOTB; “when the FRBs get half way round the trail they should stop and call a hash-halt to let the BWBs catch-up”. So there we had a conundrum to exercise the collective minds of the assembled pack, well collectively the pack would be hard-pressed to make one single mind between them, as it shuffled, as ever, down the garden path into the unknown. So there was the question: the pack knew the start point for the run, and it knew the end point for the run, but the bit in the middle was hidden as if by Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility. So how would the FRBs know when the half-way point of the had been reached; the philosophers of old might have argued that since we knew the start point and we knew the end point and they were at the same place then the half-way point must also be at this point of singularity.

Therefore the hash-halt should happen at the moment we started the run, and if this was half-way then we simply needed to turn round and we were back at the keg of the fluid of sustenance without actually going anywhere. But since the keg was still warm this was not really an option for the true hashman and the pack headed-off in search of paper. Several smart-arse FRBs led by Tallyho headed to the main road and checked up and down before the cry of on-back was called and the pack staggered-off through the bush at the back of the petrol station. Clearly this area is not often visited by such a motley assortment of specimens; some dressed as pirates and some dressed as vagrants – well Steakman was just dressed as himself. The dogs were in a frenzy, the tamaititi were wide-eyed in fear, running away with cries of “palagi palagi” no doubt remembering the age-old threat that if they misbehaved the palagi would come and take them away and sell them into slavery in Peru, and the local-lads actually stopped playing touch and volleyball in amazement at seeing the hash pack appearing from the bush. So it was finally out into Vaiusu Road and left up towards the sports complex. Up Vaiusu Road, up the road some more and up the road even more until about half-way up the FRBs led by ZsaZsa with relatively new hashmen Mike and Ben took a right, followed by Hotnuts, Tallyho, Seismic, Kamikaze and hashmere Lenora. As ever the FFRBs were nose-in-the-air arse-in-gear running headlong into oblivion and would have been half-way to Vaitele if Hotnuts had not been keeping his beady little eyes open and spotted a cunningly hidden on-back “X” of paper behind a container.

So back down to Vaiusu Road and up ever more until the Talimatau Road was reached by the Sepp-Blatter-Vote soccer pitches. It was here that the philosophical question of whether this might be “half-way” was debated. Some said yes, others notably Hotnuts said no, and that in his opinion “SOTB was a responsible hare and would have marked the hash-halt properly”. This statement was met with general derision, and about as true as saying that Steakman could be a Tom Cruise lookalike; Swinger just kept checking looking for paper, but the majority really couldn’t care a stuff, they were just thankful for a breather after a very long climb up the road. And so on-down towards the Vailoa Road where even Hotnuts agreed a hash-halt should be called and the remnants of the pack gradually came together. By this time the pack was spread out from Vailoa Road to somewhere in Vaiusu and only about a dozen or so hashmen and meres reached this HH. Having been a road-run almost all the way so far, would the hare at least show some initiative and take the pack through the reserve to see the old hydropower station that was sadly missed last week too. No clearly not, it was straight down Vailoa Road. And was that paper from EverReady and Karaoke’s run from last week, who knows?? Somewhere down the road there was a deviation to the left but by this time the pack was heading for the by-now cold keg and the scent of the fluid of sustenance drove them on home.

Know Your Hash Trail
Regular clumps or strands of hash-paper; you’re on the trail, stick with it, you can’t go wrong if you are on-paper unless you cum across:-
Circle of paper; this is a hash check, check for the true trail in all directions, this will be signified by the reappearance of regular paper, or if you find a
X (Crossed paper); you are on a False trail, check back to last sighting of paper or last hash check and search for the true trail
HH; indicates a Hash Halt, stop and wait till the BRB’s and BWB’s have caught up, unless they make no effort to run, in which case leave the bastards behind. However breaking Hash Halt before the on-on command is a dobbable offence
HP; this is a Hash Pause, don’t wait for the BWBs to catch-up, just spot them in the distance get going again, leave the bastards to find their own way
Paper stops, same as X you’re on a falsie, check back and search for the true trail
Paper scattered all over the trail; some little tamaititi has destroyed a check or X, use initiative, or give up and return to keg
No paper; you’re lost; head for the setting sun or the keg of the fluid of sustenance, whichever is closer
On On

SOTB as the hare, clearly reckoned that he couldn’t handle the responsibility for the trail and the circle so Hotnuts was summarily called to be Guest GM for the evening. To start there were no new footprints/virgin runners but a gaggle of failures were called or pushed forward to explain themselves: Snake had been in NZ feeding the chooks, Snake Bite & Venom had been at school, Kamikaze had been in the land of the rising sun, and Ben and Mike had been in Oz… watching rugby?? Kamikaze had been away so long that he forgot to remove his hat and so got another DD to remind him next time he holidays in Samoa. Venom had new shoes, Sassy and SOTB got a media award for the family being on TV and Swinger nobly stepped forward to take the media award for Godfather, who had appeared on the radio, but had pulled a fetlock and gone lame on the run. Good job he’s no longer in the FRB racing-stable but more of a stud-stallion otherwise he would have been dispatched to the knackers yard.
For this day in history Captain Mortein, as usual, found himself being called forward as the nearest living relative to a Bolshevik for the execution of the Czar in 1918, and Ben as a Swiss Cheese was the nearest thing the hash had to a Frog for Bastille Day. Sassy celebrated Ted Kennedy’s crash at Chappaquiddick in 1969 by having a crash herself during the week, and Steakman got the Nelson Mandela birthday award for probably being the oldest hashman, well at least he looks like the oldest hashman. This week in history Monica started work at the Clinton White House and Lewinsky was proud to do a swallow for her, although he was standing and she, by all accounts, was probably kneeling when doing hers.

It was the International Day of Justice but since ProBoner was still AWOL at this point her closer living rellie stepped forward, who else but Lewinsky, and like his namesake always happy to do a swallow in the cause. In the same vein, so to speak, Orgy celebrated the mapping of the syphilis genome in 1998, thereby making the cure easier and making orgies less risky for all hashmen. Poumouli had advised your scribe not to forget that it was St Arsenesis’ Day, where he finds these saints days I have no idea, they must have very strange religions in darkest Norway, and how TG came to get the DD for this has been smudged on the scribes notes. For this day in AHHH history, 15 years ago Akira set the run (791) in Vaoala where the hash saw a wonderful sunset over Savaii from the top of the hill above Moamoa; Kamikaze as Akira’s nearest living rellie stood in for the DD; ten years ago the hash had a run (1062) at Afiamalu and made its one-and-so-far-only run to radio/tv masts the top of Mt Fiamoe; the veterans of that run were Karaoke, EverReady, Tallyho, Fang and Snake.

With the smell of fresh DD in the nostrils the pack was now baying for more dobs: Mike and Ben were first-up for being the FRBs failing to spot the paper, they claimed they were under instruction from ZsaZsa who had already buggered-off so Tallyho gave an exhibition of how FRBs should be looking-looking as well as running-running. Mike and POD were next-up, or rather sat-down on the ice, for the ignominy of being Australians to be gloated over for the loss to the Manu. Some perverted hashman was quick to study the relative rates of ice-melt from Mike and POD rear ends on the bags of ice; Mike’s arse was clearly hotter than POD’s, but I suppose only Lewinsky could comment on the latter so we’ll move on. Lenora was awarded a special for the being the FRBitch, as she began to flag in the swallow Hotnuts was quick to grab the mug to finish the DD. Crime got a good Samaritan award for leading the lame Godfather back to the stable and Snake and Steakman got the SCB-of-the-week award. SqueakyClean and Stargasm appeared in something called the Attway publication; your Scribe is not sure what this is but must have something to do with hasmeres. Hotnuts took a DD for being GM but not wearing a hash shirt, and Toothfairy, Tina and SOTB took their’s for the hosting and hares, and also for being “best-dressed” as pirates. At this point a fresh-looking ProBoner appeared and took a DD for being selected for the SPG Judo team, so she must be a good defence counsel in more ways than one. The keg was now beginning to float so the delicious food was most welcome, and most enjoyable so many thanks to the hosts for a great spread.

Toodle Pip and On On

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