Hash Trash - 1480

The hash was hosted by Gabor and Abril up at Bank Street in Vaoala. It was a nice pleasantly cool evening, so the pack was rearing to go. For those of us who did the Samoa Perimeter Relay on Saturday, the prospect was not that welcoming, but most of us made it. The run was set on paper and Kamikaze led the pack out the gates down to Bank Street, closely followed by FBI, Swinger and Poumuli. Down the hill we went, and Kamikaze quickly detoured us into someone’s yard – no need for a cross there. We continued down the track, following the same path as we did for Wahoo’s run from Vaoala, but after the river crossing there was another false trail. Our rethread Larry was quite proudly leading the way sending assorted taunts back at Poumuli and Will, but he soon buggered his ankle and left the lead. The trail now led down to the road from SPREP, where we went up to the cow pastures that had been the site of Pussysnatcher’s run from Poumuli’s house last year. This was where most of the relay hashers struggled – that hill up to the farmhouse was never ending. We then proceeded through the tall grass, hidden branches and cowpats until we re-joined the Bank Street track, violating Hash rules about how to set trails! We tried our best to get up the long hill, with FBI exhibiting Unhashlike competitiveness in seeking to ensure Swinger or Poumuli did not beat him to the finish. Terribly bad form that, but we forgot him in the awards, as he seemed to be a constant fixture this week. But all in all a nice run, good views of the countryside and an abundance of cowshit.

POD our GM called the hash circle, and it took some not-so-gentle cattle prodding to get that organized. There was one newcomer to Hash – Tammy from Auckland, who is single, which was a bad thing to admit with Slippery sliding around with his camera. There were many rethreads – Dawn Raid had been playing tennis in Fiji, Woman in Black had returned from crazy Rome just to be with us for the relay, FBI had been meditating (or was it medicating?), Lesbian Vampire Killer had been relaxing in NZ, and Lester had been away – because he lives in the States. Sassygirl nearly avoided detection, but admitted to having had a bula f’ing marvellous time.

Celebrity Awards were given to Rebecca (relay photo in Observer), Godfather (Sinalei) and with Lester (relay run story), Gabor (climate change workshop), Sassygirl (SUNGO newsletter) and Mighty Mouse (Ms Samoa contestant). Since Mighty Mouse was absent and no close relative could be dobbed in, she gave the award to Crash Bandicoot as having the closest resemblance to a mouse (I guess she meant his foxy hash name?). But OMG was he slow in delivery!

The GM awarded Kamikaze the Living Up to Hash Name Award as he had been spotted running at Malifa, and would have arrived around now if the GM hadn’t given him a lift (should have been a geographically challenged award). The GM noted Eveready’s speechifying skills had slipped during the relay awards ceremony and he had cracked under pressure by letting FBI speak (ramble) so he got the Never Let FBI Speak Award.

The GM then dragged Poumuli forward and gave him an earful for helpfully pointing out the in the year 1480 the Spanish Inquisition commenced (no one expects the Spanish Inquisition!), and he had to join all the Spanish speaking hashers in this award – Dawn Raid, Tony Blair, Selena, Eveready, Gabor, Abril and FBI.

A further hilarious language mix up was the re-told, of how Woman in Black had requested a fofo from the masseuses, but got confused by Pussysnatcher’s annunciation making it sound like foufou – which although related are entirely different things. Ring Ring got included in the award, as did Pussysnatcher for loosing a false accusation.

The GM then recounted how Karaoke had been unhappy about not getting to see the Musclemania Show, but instead had to go to the relay awards and post-party, and then taking it out on Eveready, who said something about him being a high-end machine again. Sassygirl noted how privileged she had been to be part of the relay support team, but complained about the number, frequency and timing of BB’s calls of nature. During one of them she was actually on the loo when Pussysnatcher approached the exchange line. BB in her defence blamed Woman in Black for feeding her pawpaws and Ring Ring for leading her astray on Gatorade, but she took her Unfortunate Toilet Stories Award with aplomb.

SOTB wanted to nominate Eveready for claiming that SOTB was the craziest driver of the relay, which he felt was ill-deserved (it was Godfather’s truck), and that the craziest must be Seema. After a vote they both got the award. At this point the GM recalled how Gabor had extolled the beauty of today’s run and how we had not seen these parts of Samoa – not! Also the double back was included, so Gabor took the big mug for the Blatant Exaggeration Award. BB nominated Pussysnatcher for the Romantic Award, having been seen kissing his girlfriend while on the last leg of the relay.

FBI sought out a Disloyalty To Hash Award for Delicious, as she had refused to give up her chair to him during the relay. In her defence she said that walking it off was the best way to recover and that she had given her all to supporting the team ( we all second that!). Delicious demanded a big one for Lewinsky since he had failed to provide non-alcoholic drinks for our sundry pregnancies, nursing mothers and Mormons.

Further details emerged from the relay. BB nominated Sassygirl for the Loudmouth Cheerleader Award, as her voice had caused rocks to be launched at their support truck. And for those hashers who chose to run the relay for non-Hash teams – the Traitor Award went to Rebecca and Kamikaze. Rebecca had to be assisted by Lesbian Vampire Killer.

As a result of some post-relay jollity, Seema nominated Crash Bandicoot and Pussysnatcher for the Nipple Arousal Award since they had applied her milk frother to each other (there was also some attempt at using it elsewhere, but this is a family hash after all! Disgusting, boys.).

Poumuli nominated Kamikaze for the Brotherly Love Award for having given him a moment of sheer bliss as Dawn Raid was thrashed on the last relay leg by 8 metres. BB nominated the support teams for Service Beyond the Call of Duty Award (Delicious, SOTB, Crash, Seema and Sassy were present). Eveready then thanked the Hash for its great contribution, spirit and for having brought honor to the memories of Desirable and Shafter, and especially thanked Godfather. Godfather in turn saluted those who ran, even as we got tired we persevered and he was grateful to be able to complete, knowing well that it would have been impossible without the support team. He also acknowledged Lester for the inspiration that he had contributed. “Keep fit, keep going and enjoy the company”. He also gave a special thanks to the US Veterans Association, and congratulated Team Desirable even though Team Shafter beat them!

Lester then thanked the Hash for being able to take part, as he had a good time, enjoyed the company and to be able to run with old and new friends. A reward was then collected for the masseuses who had made our recovery so much swifter.

At this point the Hash Monk appeared (it was more like a Monkess, or can you say fa’fa nun? A voice similar to Cindy). After yelling at Slippery for taking a flash photo up her skirt, she called forward Will. Since he does some funny things with wind (renewable energy) he shall from now be called BlowMe. She then called forward Emma, who she had heard was tough in cracking the whip, so she shall now be called Sergeant Major.

She then called forward Morten, a gentleman misbehaving – not once, but twice – in the tropics. He shall now be called Captain Mortein.

Gabor was called forward, well he crawled, and being reminded that he drinks like a warm temperamental woman, he shall now be called Zsa Zsa.(after his countrywoman from Hungary also known as Sári Prinzessin von Anhalt – oh what obscure nonsense your Scribe knows!). Abril was then summoned, and as she too reminded the Monk of a temperamental actress, she shall now be called Chilindrina.

Being quite woozy at this point the GM excused the Hare and Hosts after thanking them. Next week’s run – in the middle of the road switch – will be hosted by Ring Ring in Alofua.


On On

Poumuli