Monday, January 11, 2010

Hash Trash - 1499

Our first 2010 Hash was once again kindly hosted by Lewinsky, POD , Happy Feet and Pro Boner out at Taumeasina.

It had been a really rainy day but by 5:30 it had cleared up and was a beautiful temperature for a nice long Hash run set on flour by SOTB and Lewinsky.

At twilight POD called the circle, her last as GM before she takes a few months off to have a mini-POD.

I counted 27 people in the circle, a decent size following the Christmas and New Year break.

The new boots were Cheena and Neeve from Wellington, brought along by Lewinsky. Wayne and Lisa from the Gold Coast claimed they’d also been brought along by Lewinsky. Our Hash recruitment officer was given a down down.

The retreads were Orgy Georgie, Adam, Chris and Karaoke. Orgy Georgie shot himself in the proverbial foot by claiming his reason for missing Hash was because he’d lost his shoes and had to get new ones. Adam had some lame excuse about living overseas. Chris said he’d missed approximately 1200 Hashes and hadn’t done a Hash Run for about 33 years.* Chris’s excuse was that he’d been busy manufacturing children. “Does your wife know?” POD quipped. A confused Karaoke thought she had been to Hash, and didn’t know why she was a retread.

Orgy Georgie was made to drink out of his shoe. He complained that his shoes weren’t new. Our tough GM retorted, “They’re new to Hash!”

New Year’s Eve was naturally a hotbed of Hash indiscretions. Tammy, Pro Boner and Schanell were all caught out.

Our girl Tammy was nominated for advertising at the Why Not bar for wearing a very sexy red dress.

Pro Boner was given the Hulk Hogan award. She has a predilection for picking people up and hugging them when she’s drunk. On New Year’s Eve Pro Boner picked up her brother Lewinsky at On the Rocks, only to end up On the Floor.**

Schanell was given the Mr Discrete or My Hypocrisy award for complaining about how small a place Samoa is and how you can’t do anything without anyone noticing. Later on he was witnessed very publicly pashing on with someone on the Why Not dance floor! Way to be discrete Schanell!

With Hot Nuts away, Karaoke nominated Tony Blair for the Squashed Nuts award. God, it’s embarrassing even recapping this award. Karaoke claimed Tony Blair had sat on her lap, “Hey, wait a minute!” Eveready interjected, and that she could feel his squashed nuts. POD claimed Karaoke then said “Come back and give me more!” Karaoke replied “I prefer my Samoan nuts!” Karaoke drank, and Eveready manfully finished the drink. “I need gas for tonight,” he said.

The Celebrity award went to Godfather for being nominated for Person of the Year in the Observer. Well done Godfather! In Godfather’s absence the down down was given to his closest relative... Kamikaze! Kamikaze and Godfather obviously have a strong physical resemblance due to their similar hairstyles. “Where’s Snake?” asked an incredulous Kamikaze.

Happy Feet had also been seen in the background on TV so dad Lewinsky was made to drink.

The nominations were opened to the floor. Sassy nominated Mr Whippy for being the only person to actually run in last week’s modest Hash.

Your scribe nominated Slippery for being inappropriately attired on Christmas Day at Samoana. After a night dive he stripped down to his Speedos and stood talking to one of my girlfriends for ages right in front of the main fale.

SOTB nominated Sassy and Little Lani for leaning on coconut trees. Both were served beer, which Lani looked concerned about but managed to down well despite presumably having quite a few years before reaching legal drinking age here.

Kiwi and Adam were given down downs for being attached to their cell phones.

Tammy nominated SOTB for a piker award for leaving Why Not at 9:30am after New Year’s Eve, claiming he was going to get food and come back, but never coming back. POD took it to a vote to determine if Tammy was being unreasonable for considering 9:30am New Year’s Day morning ‘piking’. Tammy was made to drink.**

Tammy nominated SOTB for a piker award for leaving the bar at 9:30am on New Year’s Day claiming he was just going to get something to eat and then come back, but he didn’t. POD took it to the floor to see if Tammy was being unreasonable for calling 9:30am after New Year’s Eve piking. Tammy was made to drink.***

In another award I’m a bit embarrassed to recap, Tony Blair claimed that one of the rules of Hash is that you don’t eat until after the circle is finished, but Pirate Princess had been feeding her daughter. Tony Blair wanted dad, Captain Mortein, to drink. Tony Blair was made to join him for “being a perve”. Pirate Princess cleverly retorted, “Do you want some susu as well?”

In yet another award I’m embarrassed to recap, Eveready said he’d been swimming with a Hash Mary who’d forgotten her bikini and had to swim in a lava lava. A big wave went over, and Eveready wondered why Selena was staring at him, only to realise it was her nipples staring at him! He wished to nominate Selena for the Full Monty award. POD pulled him up on the fact that this event occurred around the time of the Christmas Hash, which was at least three weeks ago. Eveready retorted, “You think I can forget it? It’s burned into my memory!” Eveready was made to drink for not letting go of the past.

Eveready than nominated Tammy for making her car overheat, perhaps due to that sexy red dress she was wearing? Taking right of reply, Tammy said it was a car that she’d had sent over from New Zealand that had overheated, not the one she was driving while wearing that dress.

Sassy nominated SOTB and Adam for guilting her into coming to Hash, when her New Year’s Resolution is to be healthy and not drink too much. Taking the right of reply, SOTB made a long rant about how he said he was going to Hash to have a chat to and say goodbye to Adam, who leaves soon, but he didn’t ask Sassy to come. Adam said he didn’t want to drink because he had to leave and go to dinner with his grandma who has trouble understanding him at the best of times, let alone while he is slurring. Lewinsky said, “Is that all you’ve got?” Sassy drank.

Adam then nominated Wayne for having had a three hour massage earlier that day then complaining that his legs felt a bit tight after the run. Wayne drank.

Tony Blair nominated Slippery, our resident Hash Flash, for bringing his underwater camera with him. Slippery replied, “I thought it was going to rain!” Rather hilariously, as Slippery drank, Mr Whippy was given the camera to take photos, but ended up having it around the wrong way and took photos of himself!

Tony Blair than nominated Kamikaze for claiming to have ten children, but no wife. Kamikaze admitted that he doesn’t have any kids. POD gave Kamikaze a down down for advertising but lying.

SOTB nominated Chris for claiming to have missed Hash for 33 years, when it’s only been going for 25 for so. Chris pointed out that Hash has actually been going for far longer than 33 years, having started in Kuala Lumpur, Malaya (now Malaysia) in 1938: SOTB drank.

Being PODs farewell as GM, she passed her farewell down down to your scribe-cum-whipping Mary, yours truly. Having not had any down downs all evening, I was given a double. The glasses were big, the beer ice cold. And I Crashed. And. Burned. I don’t know what happened, but I struggled from the start and had to pass my second glass to SOTB to finish. I have never required a whipping boy before. I appear to have lost my sculling mojo and am more than a little freaked out about it. Tune in next week to see if this is a temporary blip in my drinking career or something more serious.

Captain Mortein then nominated the GM herself for dangerous driving. Heckled by the circle for the poor form of nominating our heavily pregnant GM, Mortein is made to drink himself.

The circle is closed, On On is called, the Hashers dig in to Eveready’s stellar spicy eggplant curry, and start gearing up for the 1500th run, which will now occur in a few weeks’ time when everyone is back and things are organised.

On On!

Lesbian Vampire Killer.

* That doesn’t add up. If there’s 52 Hashes a year, and he’d missed 33 years of Hash, that should be about 1700 runs.
**Your scribe also saw Pro Boner at Why Not on New Year’s Eve at about 3am and received a Hulk Hogan hug. When I asked what she’d been up to that night, she said she was too drunk to answer!
***Tammy confided to your scribe that her New Year’s Eve continued right through to 1pm New Year’s Day, ending up at Myna’s in that sexy red dress.

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