Your Scribe is back from a well-deserved break, and many thanks to our Assistant Trainee Scribe Lesbian Vampire Killer for the outstanding job she did with the trash the last few weeks. Many overseas hashers were able to enjoy the events as if we were there. So this will unfortunately then be a return to the mundane and humdrum.
The Hash was hosted by Crash Bandicoot and Mr. Whippy next to the Maota Samoa in the Vaitele area. The run had been set on flour which was not entirely a great choice given the intensity of the rain before and during the run. There were quite a few false trails and our front-running bastards were soon in the middle of the pack. With the run entirely following the roads the only obstacle to getting back was the rapidly diminishing flour piles. At one point the deluge of rain was so intense your Scribe was worried it would short-circuit his Taser, which was inconveniently close to the family jewels.
All made it back safely to the carpark, and Godfather’s delicious sweet nuts were consumed. While awaiting Snake’s return with the majority of carkeys the keg was opened, which caused a bit of foam when it had to be moved down to the fale as the rain came back with a vengeance. Eveready had supplied his tasty but fiery guacamole for the hungry snacking hashers.
Eveready called the circle to order as GM for the night. There were a number of newcomers to Hash. There was Nileema from India (she is also the United Nations Resident Representative for Samoa, Niue, Cook Islands and Tokelau), Derek (a marine biologist from Oz), Ian from Auckland (fixing Lewinsky Sr.’s car). BB was well chuffed that for the first time a UN bigwig was present and was no doubt relieved that she had briefed her well on the rules of the circle, and the GM insisted that they all do a down-down. The rethreads were Poumuli, Wahoo, Chilindrina, Hot Nuts and a few more (had to put down the notebook so I missed a few).
The GM also noted that there needed to be a special rethread award to two hashers who had promised to show up for a festive evening at Tropicana and then failed to do so. Swinger’s lame excuse that BB was sick (of what?) did not give them any exemption.
The shoe inspector was missing but there were no new shoes anyway. Missing In Action Award for AC/DC next week. Anyway, the GM was foaming at the bit to make things more interesting, and gave a special Confusing Award to Mr. Whippy for setting a trail that was hard to find, made worse by the rain, and for being seen going in the opposite direction. LVK and Mele even had to go an extra mile as a result.
Even if it was a fairly short run for some, the GM had observed Schanell trying to chariot ride – he only guiltily got out of the truck when he was spotted by the GM. Large one.
Last week, the GM had awarded the Most Improved Runner Award to LVK, only to find that a few days in Pago had resulted in her being the slowest again – so an Arrested Development Award was handed out. The GM also pondered at why, when we relocated the circle to the fale, it had taken Screamer 15 minutes to turn up – Local Action/Living Up To Name Award.
The GM followed this theme by claiming that one of the rethreads was now unrecognizable, except on TV, so Wahoo got an award amongst rude snickering about being locked up in hotel rooms with Poumuli.
Pussysnatcher caught Mele trying to stop a fridge from levitating, and the GM scored a point with Snake for the Leaky House Syndrome Award given the poor state of the fale roof. It became a double as Snake forgot the Hash name of his own missus.
The GM had arrived early and had found Crash simply admiring the view, while Delicious was at home cooking, while pregnant! This news resulted in a double Responsible Husbandry Award.
Mele nominated Vaa for Leaving Hash Award, while the GM requested Mele to stay for an award not awarded since 1990, Bringing Hash into Disrepute by running with an umbrella. Pussysnatcher then caught Swinger leaning on the keg, with Mele unsuccessfully calling for a tattle-tale award for PS.
The GM had been huffing and puffing on the run and was in need of a coconut but there was no knife to be found as Snake had taken away the keys. Snake claimed higher purpose of setting up the electrical supply, to the point of trying to rig the vote.
Poumuli had swapped a Hash shirt for a set of bunny ears in Denmark, which were awarded to the Hare, Mr. Whippy. He had also procured a Joker cap from the Tower of London, which was awarded to Mele.
FBI nominated BB for talking to Nileema and for the historic event of bringing the UN resident representative to Hash. Stunned, Mr. Whippy on all our behalf exclaimed that this was the shortest nomination ever made by FBI, deserving a Brevity Award, while Screamer said Nileema should join the two. SOTB spotted FBI sporting his sunglasses so he remained front and centre for a further award. Snake and Lewinsky were admiring Lezzie’s inspirational t-shirt (Nobody knows I’m a Lesbian). Swinger nominated Zsa Zsa for the Yugo Award for running backwards on the trail, although he got the country wrong (its Hungary). Zsa Zsa has not improved his speed beyond that of a snail, and we were on the third chorus by the time he finished.
Before the GM was able to give Vai Vai the floor, he had to take a down down for getting the name wrong. What followed was some waffling about dancing and singing, summed up by the GM as “the mouth is moving, words are coming out, but nobody’s at home”, so Vai Vai got the Incomprehensible Gibberish Award. FBI and Lezzie poetically nominated Crash for getting the GM’s daughter pregnant, a sort of slam poetry seldom heard in Hash. Most impressive and should have been rewarded by the GM.
Pirate Princess described how Schanell had exposed her to his booty before the circle, which he sought to explain away in that his indecent exposure shouldn’t have been ogled at by PP in staring at his booty. Lewinsky complicated matters in explaining some finer points of piracy, while Schanell drew a bigger award for complaining too much, so all three drank in the end.
The Hash saluted our leaving members Snakebite and Venom, and Mr. Whippy Sr noted that Jr was leaving as well – although this became a double for some sexist remarks.
LVK wanted Hash to celebrate Australia Day by making any Oz people drink, but keg was low, so the GM picked Roz to be their High Commissioner for the award.
Since he had been so brief earlier, the GM let FBI have the last nomination. Big mistake. A lengthy accusation of a UN staff member throwing stuff at the GM came from the now less than eloquent FBI, although clearly unethical behaviour, but complicated by Swinger with his countering tirade against CSL. After BB defended herself by reviewing the GM’s sexist remarks, she ended up with the Defending Gender Award.
The hosts and the hare were then saluted – Crash Bandicoot, Mr Whippy (with bunny ears) and Snake, with Fang being added in for making it all happen.
Next week will be a BYO at the STA Fale in town. We were reminded to think of a theme for the 1500th run. We were also invited to feast on the 70 hot dogs provided by Crash Bandicoot and the Whippy’s.