Hash Trash- Run 1499B

Another Monday, another great Hash.

A small but dedicated pack of 24 Hashers braved the traffic from town and the prospect of rain to make it out to Puipa’a for this week’s run, kindly hosted by Sina.

Pussy Snatcher, Schannelle and I arrived as fast as traffic allowed armed with the best BYO we could find in our kitchen – half a packet of Pringles, some sour cream, and a tin of fruit salad. Fail.

The trail was set by Ring Ring (more on that later), and led us through someone’s backyard into the bush. Other than almost stepping on a giant pig, I enjoyed the off-road trail and somehow managed to stay not-too-far behind the boys at the front, Zsa Zsa, Schannelle and Pussy Snatcher.

GM for the week was Eveready.

The only newbie was Laauli Paul, a very youthful looking 24 year old brought along by AC/DC. Karaoke seemed very interested to know if he was married. He was not.

The retreads were Pussy Snatcher and David. Pussy Snatcher had been overseas for six weeks, spending some time with his Snatched Pussy and travelling. David had been in Copenhagen with fellow Hashers Screamer and “Palusami”, i.e. Poumuli. David piked out on the Copenhagen Hash due to the -6 degrees weather.

SOTB pulled up Gordon Ramsay for not declaring himself a retread. Gordon Ramsay, living up to his Hash name, hit SOTB with a pair of tongs.

Schannelle drank for leaning on a car.

Our resident shoe inspector AC/DC pulled up David for having new shoes. Brand new out of the box! David had sneakily removed his shoes before the circle and was standing barefoot, but everyone had already noticed and been blinded by the dazzling white of his shoes. Screamer tried to save her boss from drinking out of his shoe, complaining that we’d run through pig shit, but was overruled by the pack, who made David follow Hash tradition. “Tastes like rubber, with slight aftertaste of pig”, observed the shoe-sculling connoisseur.

Our hare Ring Ring was nominated for trying to bribe some locals to set the run for her, and locking her keys in her car in the process.

The GM gave Tammy an award for actually doing the Hash run for once. She usually turns up late.

Pussy Snatcher drank for only just making it to Hash, complaining that it was too far to come, when he has spent the last six weeks gallivanting around the world.

Lewinsky nominated David for the “serious crime” of drinking out of an official Hash mug in the circle.

Your scribe received the most improved runner award. Usually I’m with the walkers but this week was at the front of the pack. Like that week I couldn’t finish my beer, I think this week’s run was an anomaly, and not likely to be repeated!

During the run, the boys at the front of the pack decided the set trail wasn’t enough for them and went for an extra run. What is this, some kind of fitness club? Zsa Zsa, Schannelle and Pussy Snatcher drank. Zsa Zsa actually drank his Vailima reasonably fast, and was coughing and spluttering away after.

Lewinsky was nominated for standing up his own sister. Poor form, Lewinsky!

In typical Selena-and-Tony-Blair fashion, last week’s Hash turned into a huge night. What will we do without them? After the beer ran out at 11pm, Schannelle realised some of his stuff had been stolen. Good Samaritan Screamer offered him a lift home, but instead of taking him to his house, she took him back to her house! “I don’t make the news, I just report it,” said Eveready. Screamer drank.

“But that’s not the end of the story!” said the GM. Schannelle was given another down down for having a king size bed, even though he is a single guy.

Godfather was given a down down for planning to leave early after the circle. The down down must have had some effect, because he was playing his ukulele and singing for some time after the circle. Ring Ring drank too, for trying and failing to play the ukulele as Godfather drank.

Little Lani was given a down down as it was her last Hash before she heads back to New Zealand. “She wants to go home, but doesn’t want to leave Hash,” said Karaoke. I have it on good authority that Lani will return to Hash and Samoa again, and, yes, Hashmen, she will be of legal age by then.

Schannelle nominated Karaoke for blocking the driveway at Lotopa when he was trying to move house last Saturday. He said she drove to the cake shop at the end of the driveway and back twice in a few minutes. “It’s my road!” defended Karaoke. Eveready pitched in that Schannelle seemed to have an excessive amount of stuff to move. Put to a vote, Schannelle was made to drink. “That’s the last time I give a nomination!” he said.

Sassy gave SOTB a down down for breaking into Ring Ring’s car to get her keys. “Everything I know I learnt from my mother,” said SOTB. “I taught you good manners!” retorted Sassy.

Please note: things started to get a little messy around here, as our smaller-than-normal circle endeavoured to make its way through the keg, so please excuse any discrepancies in my reporting from here on in.

Snake nominated Lewinsky for failing to provide Diet Cokes. Snake went and bought some. Snake then accused Lewinsky of pretending he had bought them when the GM asked for one. Lewinsky declared this a “serious conspiracy”, saying “I would never disrespect the GM”.

SOTB gave Sassy a media award for making the New Zealand news. Someone asked Sassy for a verbatim transcript. “Ah, just give me the drink,” said Sassy.

Schannelle then nominated Pussy Snatcher and Little Lani for talking in the circle. This was declared a “successful cockblock” as after drinking Lani was made to stand three places away from Pussy Snatcher, with Schannelle, SOTB, and Snake in between them.

Snake nominated the person who posted the great photo of Godfather on the blog that day, as a “lovely photo of Samoa in yesteryear”. Godfather stands with a group of paddlers, with a big “mandlebar moustache” and a great head of hair. The photo came from Flash Gordon, whose nearest relative SOTB drank.

Eveready nominated your scribe, Pro Boner and Tammy for being no shows at Selena and Tony Blair’s farewell at Tropicana last Friday. We had told Eveready we would show up in red dresses! A Hashman was to blame, for inviting us down to Lalomanu that night – AC/DC!

Sassy nominated Ring Ring for not clearing it with the matriarch of family across the road before running through their backyard. The matriarch was mad and only calmed down when she saw Godfather and his pe’a tattoo.

SOTB, Snake and Lewinsky were nominated for telling chauvinistic jokes. They’re not worth repeating here (or anywhere); ask SOTB, Snake or Lewinsky if you really need to know.

Sassy then gave SOTB and Gordon Ramsay an award for eating dog. SOTB and Gordon claimed it was lamb. “Was the dog’s name Lamb?” someone asked. Sassy drank for a false accusation.

SOTB nominated Lewinsky for asking his sister to cover his shift so he could go fishing. Pro Boner pitched in that this was only three hours after he stood her up. Lewinsky’s lame excuse was that “I’m only a Hashman, and I like to fish.” Somehow after a vote, though, Pro Boner ended up drinking, although I don’t see how this was her fault.

To finish things off, Snake gave a down down to everyone who hadn’t drunk yet – Fang, Mr Whippy, and Laauli

The 1500 run was then discussed – a theme is needed, please send SOTB your suggestions – and the circle was closed.

Your scribe had a late night, drinking with the boys until past midnight. See you all next week!

On On!

Lesbian Vampire Killer.