Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Hash Trash 1499A - Tony Blair & Selena

This week’s run was the end of an era – our last Hash run at Selena and Tony Blair’s house. Our dear Selena and Tony Blair are leaving the Apia Hash this week after four years in Samoa. Eveready and Karaoke hosted a great farewell party for the couple on Saturday, with amazing food (that taro!), delicious cake, and a cooler full of mojito made by Selena that was very, very drinkable.

In masks and Mardi Gras beads the Hashers set off for the final Tuaefu run. I was with the walkers and at one point we encountered some runners who appeared to have gone on a false trail through a river and were returning to the road. It was a typically hot afternoon and I was happy to finish the walk and start socialising.

Taking over GM duties for one night only was Eveready, who began with a faux pas, announcing this as “Carmen and Ludo’s last night”. Presented with his beer, SOTB suggested Eveready “pretend it’s a mojito”.

I counted 43 Hashers in the circle, a good size and a big increase from the last couple of weeks as we welcome back regulars like Zsa Zsa and Screamer who have returned from overseas.

The new boots were Va from New Zealand, brought along by Mele; Jules, brought along by Selena and Tony Blair; Blakey from America brought along by myself; Shane from Australia and Papua New Guinea, brought along by Slippery; Cindy and Gina from Hawaii brought along by Lewinsky; Jane from Australia; and Paul from New Zealand.

Shane announced he is here for 18 months... and not married. “Brace yourself!” cried Lewinsky. Paul from New Zealand won many hearts and got a round of applause by announcing he is in Samoa to build a house for his mum. He is looking forward to being a “Hashie”.

The retreads were Mele, Venom and Snakebite, Screamer, Zsa Zsa and FBI.

Our teenage Hash Marys Va and Little Lani both wore new shoes and were made to drink out of them. They did well. “You girls rock!” someone said.

An award was then dished out to those who failed to understand the concept of a mask. Swinger wore a tinsel wig, Hobbs had an Indian headdress, Adam had what someone described as a “big condom” on his head, Mele used a big leaf and cut eyes out of it, SOTB was wearing a plastic bag on his head, and FBI had a Santa Hat and those sunglasses again, which he described as a “Bro Ho Ho” mask. All drank.

Eveready had kindly named one of the avocado trees on his farm Carmen, after Selena. He brought Tony Blair some avocados from the Carmen tree. The GM recounted their conversation: “Did you eat Carmen?” Eveready had asked. “Yes,” said Tony Blair. “Was it good?” said Eveready. “Oh, you mean the avocado!” said Tony Blair. Karaoke then rightfully asked whether Eveready had named a tree after her!

The next down down went to the “three amigos” who went in the pool before the circle – FBI, Schanell and Zsa Zsa.

At the farewell party on Saturday, Eveready had asked if anyone could play the ukulele when Godfather is away. Swinger had said that he could play. Overhearing this, BB laughed and laughed. Someone suggested was that the instrument may need to be tuned? “It’s well tuned, baby!” retorted BB. Swinger and BB drank, finishing at the same time.

Pro Boner was given the Global Warming award for following in Tammy’s footsteps and wearing a sexy red dress out last Friday night. Eveready said, “While I don’t know if her car overheated, I know the guys did!”

Mele said she had a nomination, but had already had a number of down downs and couldn’t remember what it was. She was made to drink, and when pushed, nominated your scribe for failing to tell her about the farewell party. “You had food poisoning!” I said, but to no avail. We drank, and, thank god, it appears I have returned to form after the minor blip in my drinking career last week. I returned to my corner of the circle to high fives and a sigh of relief from all concerned.

SOTB nominated BB and Ring Ring for failing as hare raisers. BB said she’d been in Australia, and had to keep an eye on Swinger. Ring Ring had no excuse.

Snake gave the Wannabe award to Lewinsky, who was sporting a mask that made him look like a “hangman or an executioner”. And if not a hangman or executioner, a porn star. “Tough crowd!” Lewinsky said.

SOTB gave Mr Whippy a well deserved award for improvements to the blog.

Crash and Delicious were given the latecomer award.

Tony Blair and Selena drank because it was their 100th Hash run. Selena slowly finished her beer herself for once, encouraging the crowd to keep singing as she did.

In the best award of the night, FBI nominated Sassy for being overdressed. Sassy looked great in red pants and a black top. Upon receiving this award, Sassy strutted into the centre of the circle, did a yoga pose known as the downward dog to show off her assets, showed off her muscles and legs, and generally strutted her stuff. Eveready called that since the guys were all now standing at attention, Sassy was to be known as Blow Job for the rest of the night. Mr Whippy then interrupted with a Very Important Announcement – Wayne had been pouring beer everywhere. Wayne and Blow Job drank.

Pirate Princess nominated the GM for asking her last week if there was any diet coke left. When she said no, he asked if she had any milk left! Eveready claimed he had asked if there was any juice left, but to no avail. Karaoke piped up, “I always give him milk!”

Karaoke gave Little Lani an award for being too shy to go up to the keg to get beer because of a boy that was near there. A mortified Lani drank.

Karaoke then questioned why Adam and Wayne were still in country when they were due to leave Samoa last week. Lewinsky piped up that he knew why – they had been courting some local ladies. “They wanted to star in my movie!” said Lewinsky, the wannabe porn director.

Godfather judged best mask, giving the best Hash Mary mask to Selena and the best Hash Man mask to Schanell. Poor Zsa Zsa, who had spent a good deal of last Saturday making the gladiator helmet/mask Schanell was wearing for a toga party missed out as he forgot to bring his own.

Blow Job gave SOTB an award for “almost breaking my heart” by risking his life out surfing the big waves and coming away battered and bruised. The GM said SOTB is not allowed to die until he produces some grandkids. SOTB then nominated Vai Vai for slipping over at the swimming pool and injuring himself. SOTB’s beer was gone quick as a flash.

Selena and Tony Blair were given a final down down as hosts. Selena said that Hash is her family, and how in good times and in bad, the Hash people have been there for her. The Hash Anthem, ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot’ was sung in their honour.

Before the circle was closed, the 1500th run was discussed. The 1500th run will be delayed for a few weeks to get things organised. 1500 runs means Apia Hash has been going for close to 30 years. “It started long before I was born,” said our youthful GM. Check the blog for further details soon.

As usual for Selena and Tony Blair’s house, after the run, everyone ended up in the pool. Slippery and Zsa Zsa were both inappropriately attired in Speedos. “We’re not in Europe!” Schanell implored. Selena, Blow Job, Ring Ring and Karaoke showed the younger ladies how it’s done, dancing and showing off.

Farewell to our excellent hosts, all the best with your next adventure, hope you find your way back to Apia Hash one day.

On On!

Lesbian Vampire Killer


  1. Excellent trash Lesbian Vampire Killer!!! Fantastic hash all and thanks to Tony Blair and Selena for another memorable hash...safe travels and see you again soon somewhere in this wonderful world....ok, maybe in Bolivia!! xoxox

  2. Great writing, LVK! Time for a promotion, what say?!
    And thanks to Tony B and Selena for a wonderful, highly memorable hash night.