The Hash was hosted by Slippery and Frances out by the National University of Samoa. It was a warm day, with just a minor threat of rains over the hillsides as we gathered. As it turned out though the weather stayed clear and the run was a hot one. POD ordered the pack out the gate and we were led quickly astray by Suva-visitor Tallyho. This was the first of many confusing moments as the Hare had been short on paper (“she used a single A4 page for the whole run” thundered Tallyho). So instead of following the road we went through someone’s front yard, across a small plantation and onto the back road. Here we followed a familiar trail along the water pipes, some brave souls running on top of these. Across the pipes, back through some jungle to the road again, which after a few hefty inclines and more losses of the trail, eventually took us back down to the Vailele Road and on home along and through NUS. Kiwi reckoned the whole run must have been 10km and Your Scribe is not arguing!
Tallyho was press-ganged into service as Guest GM, and after the crowd had been stilled by a bone jarring shriek from Slippery, rolled into the task with his usual aplomb. And cursing, and yelling and so forth. He said he had been on a run in the exact same spot (run 969 – I am sure he made that number up), when there was no smooth road and just track, shaggy, jungle and shit. So for his part he welcomed us to run number 1532 (969, smooth version). Calling forth those new to Apia Hash we were introduced to Ninja, Mrs Ninja and their son (from Japan). Then there was Murray and Robbo from two doors down (that’s a reggae band, methinks) who are guests of Slippery (they had been well-briefed).
The rethreads were FBI (working on his plantation, yeah right), Trina (in Savaii), and Pussysnatcher (working on his internal plantation of assorted flu bugs). They all took their down-down. Tallyho didn’t need the services of the shoe inspector (both missing), as he was being blinded by the shine from Screamers new boots. No resistance, griping or protesting, she drank the unholy mixture of beer, sweat and foot-mushrooms straight down. Well done.
The GM was informed by Poumuli that today was National Sponge Cake Day in the US, and do we have any bakers in the Hash – to which Slippery produced the latest creation from Karaoke. Pro Bona and Trina joined the award for present and impending birthdays. The Celebrity Award went to Godfather again, although Poumuli pointed out that he had obviously been trying to get out of the picture. But then a second picture was produced. Poumuli also noted the massive and impressive show of testosterone from a certain Spanish bull, and called for a Not-Doing-His-Job Award to Cockblocker (closest living relative was deemed to be PS).
Poumuli also managed to get an Environmentally Friendly Award given to Ring Ring, for being able to set a trail with the near absence of paper. The GM demanded that Slippery join in this one as he was supposed to have purveyed the paper. Through his twisted brainstem the GM also decreed that a trail as mucked up as this one could only have been set through help from a mountain biker, the only such owner present being Hot Nuts – who protested wildly.
The GM noted that Hash etiquette when there was such paucity of paper required one to keep an eye on the front-runners, who missed a cross, and he also deemed to be short-cutters. Swinger, Strangler and PS were brought forth on those charges.
Psychadelic had spotted three Hash Meres hiding in the bushes so that they wouldn’t have to tell Hot Nuts which way to go. Not knowing what else might have been going on, the GM gave a Bushwhacking Award to Screamer, Ring Ring and Mad Hatter, to be joined by Psychadelic for being a tattle-tale.
FBI spotted Captain Mortein leaning. Mia tried to get the GM for leaning also, which is by now a familiar scene – the Mia Award Backfire Award. Cellphonus Interruptus Award was given to Crime, while Screamer informed that BB was leaving us to go make a fine pair with Bananarama. BB struggled with her cup (“ooh, its so big” she said while looking to hand it off to Swinger).
At this stage Ninja jr was up to something with the baby girls, and ended up disrespecting the GM, who told Ninja “whatever it is you are feeding him – stop!”. The GM also pointed out that there was a scarcity of Hash Official Gear in the circle, so he awarded the Proper Hash Attire Award to himself, Poumuli, Lewinsky and Strangler, and gave a Default Award to Slippery for dabbling in haberdashery and not taking it seriously.
Brazilian Wax nominated Wahoo for the Changing Room Award, for having managed to lock herself in – big cup for that one. Wahoo sought to retaliate that there was no sign on the door to warn of its malfunction, to which the GM retorted “but you are not blond?”. Closest relative to that was decided upon in the form of Frances, although Slippery took most of it. Swinger brought Skunk up for the Greg Taylor Identity Theft Award.
BB tried to get the GM on a Dishonesty Award for not stepping forward for his celebrity status to be acknowledged, as he had been spotted in the televised church service. The GM found this most amusing , and commended the whole of Hash to go to church, but then he was interrupted as Lewinsky had spotted Captain Mortein leaning AGAIN.
The Hosts and the Hares, Slippery, Frances, Kiwi AKA Tiger Woody and Ring Ring were saluted, before we gorged ourselves on the assorted dishes that Slippery et al had produced for us.
Check the blog for next week’s run. Mia will be Assistant Trainee Scribe for the next two hashes, so keep an eye on her!
Many thanks to Slippery for all the photos - the censored ones have been posted!
Poumuli, IKA Slit