Hash Trash 1565

The Hash was hosted by Godfather, assisted by Titty Galore, at the beach between Maninoa and Lupe’s on the south side. The run was set on the Sun, Gobi desert, inside a nuclear reactor – your Scribe has no words to describe this for he lost so much fluid on the run. This was serious torture, with all those false trails set and the sun burning down. OK, the run was set on paper, on out through the bushes past surprised revellers at Lupe’s bar. Up to the main road, we were tricked into a long false trail with an apparent double false trail where Godfather had place a cross. Apparently a large pony must have rolled in it as it resembled more a comfortable spread. Anyway, back to where we started the trail was reacquired leading straight up into the plantations on the semi paved track. Again a false trail off to the side confused many. It was at this point that the curious and unique geographic and meteorological conditions came into play, as it was sunny, hot and muggy and dusty all at the same time, with a nice whiff of smoke from the burning trash thrown in. The combination did also keep the local dogs to a nicely docile state. Catching up with the main pack, who had continued far up the hill on a false trail, we set off across until we reached the Cross-island Road. All the way we could hear Monica being blown to Kiwi’s content across the forest, but it was too dense to risk a shortcut. The heat may also have been creating sound mirages. Down the Cross-island Road your Scribe bought two nius on credit but the newly paved connecting road evaporated all the fluids with a new torture thrown in, namely running on newly deposited hot black tar and its associated reflective capabilities viz the sun. Gasping and puffing we arrived back to gulp down Godfather’s sweet nuts, plus gallons of cold water, before dropping into the ocean for a more complete cool-down.

Ok, this was a bit whingeing, but I am still in pain. It was an imaginative run set by Godfather, and we should have cottoned on that some of the false trails couldn’t have been set from the truck. And as he rightly pointed out, the beer tasted heavenly after the run, what was left of it after the surf dudes had been at it! We should also avoid having blind people as front runners, no matter how fast they are!

SOTB our GM was again too hung-over, tired and emotional from surfing that he couldn’t string a sentence together, so Princess of Darkness came to the rescue as acting GM. She called forth those new to Apia Hash and they were Ernie and Becky from Texas (here on holiday), Rikomi from Japan (with APS), Mini-Ninja, Joyce from here, Mihoko from Japan (UNDP) and Michael from Oz.

The rethreads were Pussysnatcher (been busy getting Snatch to accept getting snatched), Crash Bandicoot (busy being a father, or holding up the bar at On the Rocks, take your pick), Sassygirl BJ (busy playing with Daddy), Anna (she’s from Denmark, been away 2 years, back to see AC/DC in Tokelau), Malvern (Swinger’s brother, here from the US), AC/DC (swimming in Tokelau), and Godfather (fare-welling the va’ a crew in Auckland).

The announcement by PS caused a congratulatory award to be offered, which Snatch refused on the grounds that she is pregnant and that’s why she agreed to the above. Celebrity Awards went to Dumas and Joyce for their photos in the Observer. This Day in History Awards, for ANZAC Day went to Poumuli and Eveready as the only veterans who marched and Kiwi, Hot Nuts and Michael as token NZ and OZ representatives – Michael nearly went twice for wearing his sunnies, but Titty G took that one for poor instructiveness. For the founding of Rio de Janeiro in 1565 by someone named Francisco something we got Crash and Wax.

The GM had been told of a weekend party where guests had been warned about the glass doors and to be careful, yet Do Me Twice managed to go smack into one, resulting in a Pure Blonde Award (the Scribe objects to this type of stereotyping – should have been a plain Bimbo Award). Schumacher had observed a hasher trying to undo a lavalava on a Hash Mere. While PS claimed he was only helping Karaoke he got the Doing Eveready’s Job For Him Award.

Lewinsky, worse for wear for not having done the run, nominated Cockblocker for trying to beat up the host of a party. The GM took a vote, and Lewinsky joined CB for the Deck The Host Award, later doubled for Lewinsky for his inability to perceive that his hat was still stuck on his head. AC/DC and Anna were called forth for sitting and leaning respectively – must have been a long swim from Tokelau or something...

Vai Vai, inspired to see how much of a backfire he could create this time, nominated Ernie for being late to the Hash, which unsurprisingly went straight back to Vai Vai for not giving good enough directions and instructions.

At this point the Mad Hash Monk appeared, growling about naughty people in the Hash and sundry scandalous behaviour. Tasha was made to kneel before her, and in a cascade of flour, ketchup, beer and a torrent of abuse from the Mad Monk about her sexying it up, she will hence forth be known as Horny Ho.

Now Rebecca was made to kneel, and in the same manner we were told how this birdwatcher loves the two legged kind. She will hence forth be known as Hornithologist. Dev who was taking photographs of all this, had his hair used as a hand towel by the monk and looked like he had been named too! Susan was next in line, but instead was observed sprinting for cover on the beach and disappeared. The Mad Monk then amusingly tried to make her own exit through the dumpster, stepping into all sorts of unholy crap. Dev moved away at that point, knowing what the Mad Monk likes to do to him.

SOTB then nominated Lewinsky for his precision parking of the truck, just-so that the lid gave a little gap for the beer droppings to fall and fertilize the soil. Lewinsky countered that he had just hit the building and then moved gently forward, or pulling out as he described it. We were interrupted in getting to the bottom of what he meant by that by latecummers Ray Charles and Mermaid.

The GM tried to wrap things up, but Swinger interrupted with an award for Macho Man AC/DC for running barefoot. Swinger joined him for being so macho he thought he could interrupt the GM. Sassy nominated the chefs SOTB, Crash and Lewinsky.

We then had some announcements for events next weekend. DMT brought up the paddling regatta and Sassy that there will be a 70’s party on Saturday (tickets from Sassy or Ring Ring). Eveready informed us that there was a beer drinking contest at the Gekko’s Bar (Sassy said the prize was a 2 week date with Horny Ho). There is also a special fundraiser for Christchurch that weekend, and due to the clashes Godfather requested that the Hash still make a donation. This was duly done, results of which will be communicated by Sassy when she wakes up.

After wishing Malvern a Happy Birthday we saluted the Host and Hare, with a promise that Godfather would do his Elvis impersonation at the next Hash. The spread that Godfather, Titty G and the extended family had put on was quite simply amazing, delicious, super-tasty, stupendous.

Next week’s Hash is scheduled for Greenie’s new house in Siusega. SOTB will get us a map and directions.

A completely gratuitous joke attached below relating to some poor sod who won the lotto.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit