Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Hash Trash 1574

The Hash was hosted by Dave and Theresa at their home in Vailima. Dave was a newbie Hare and requested the assistance of your Scribe, who acted largely in a bag-carrying capacity. The difficulties in finding a trail made it necessary to have this as a run that would end, then backtrack back on home. Of course, the Hash was not told this. The pack set out, led jauntily by Tallyho, Hot Nuts and other fit people. A false trail down to Manumea was quickly discounted by Captain Mortein, and the false trail to Mt Vaea attracted a large following that needed to be called back (please all note – if the paper disappears you are going in the wrong direction). The nicely placed arrow by Ray’s Taxis had been disintegrated by a combination of wind and local pickaninnies, so the route was now blindingly obvious for a while. However, another sneaky false trail led into the plantations and this was taken by several, including Pussysnatcher and Hot Nuts. Further down towards the water reservoirs there was another false trail leading up into the water fall – again the paper ended, but PS did some serious mountaineering making us think he was already trying to escape! The trail then ended in a On Home sign, which was not greeted with universal joy by the Hashers.

Back at the house, Son of The Bitch took up his GM duties again, seemingly recovered from the weekend. He welcomed those new to Apia Hash, namely Nadine from NZ, brought by ProBoner, and Naoko from Japan, here until March, brought by Ninja. Since they knew the rules the GM decided to test their down-down skills. The only Rethread was Tallyho, who protested that his hashing in Tonga should be counted against his absence, resulting in the inevitable doubling of the award.

Lewinsky stepped in as Shoe Inspector, and while all had seen Captain Mortein’s glorious new shoes, the proof could not be located. Screamer’s shoes were given a once over, but she claimed that they had been tried and tested before, much like Screamer according to Tallyho. Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli (letter to the Editor), Godfather (large spread in paper, and closest relative to Alan so a double), Josh (for having same name as Josh – Rock the Boat ad with Bunga Bunga – missed relative for her), and Spanky for the headline PM meets Fugitive (Crime and ProBoner took that one).

This Day in History the US Congress approved the Great Seal (1782) and two hashers had pretended to be seals during Hash 1573 (not the Navy variety, just large, furry and in the water – I know this was in last week’s trash but still amusing) – SOTB and Lewinsky. It was also International Surfing Day so theirs was doubled. Zsa Zsa was absent for the Day of Independent Hungary, but since Denmark is fairly close (not really) to Hungary this went to Captain Mortein, with the inevitable grumblings.

The GM launched into his own awards, berating Hot Nuts, PS and Godfather for leaving their stuff behind at the beach. They missed Poumuli’s cooler, which has now been abdicated. On Sunday the GM had been challenged to a jousting contest by Poumuli, which he gracefully conceded to the surfing talents and obvious cheating of the GM who broke his jousting stick.

Normally some of our Hashers bring their kids, but during the wedding there was a serious lockdown in one family, quite unheard of as we noted little Ninja running around. Good Parenting Award to Ninja sr. who took it in Coke, so it was a long way going down.
One of the Hashers was having a beer with the GM on Sunday, and went away to relieve himself, but in a moment of confusion went to close to the waves and had his front drenched. Well that was Lewinsky’s story, but we all know he wet himself. Finally Poumuli’s t-shirt of Norwegian comedian Rolf Wesenlund portraying his character Marve Fleksnes was deemed to close to being a Gaddaffi-lookalike. Several culturally insensitive remarks came, like Norway doesn’t have any comedians, to the delighted chuckle of the Captain.

It was also the birthday of our host Dave, who apparently will be celebrating in Vienna? The GM then gave his final award to Orgy Georgie, who was no longer disappearing into bushes and was apparently behaving himself throughout – a Not Living Up to Name Award.

Opening for nominations from the floor, Sassygirl BJ recalled that we had all wanted the GM to speak on behalf of the Hash at the wedding, but he got himself so shitfaced Godfather had to do it. Well – true, but we all preferred Godfather’s sonorous tones to the usual slurring by the GM.

Poumuli nominated SOTB for a Spelling Bee Award, since the new webpage for the 1600th Hash has got heaps of spelling mistakes. For some reason Poumuli had to join this one. And the slacking bastard still hasn’t fixed it on the blog! Lewinsky nominated ProBoner for borrowing his truck and snapping of the key in the lock. Obviously practice for future jailbreaks.
Buzzer nominated PS for subjecting him to hard labour in carrying all these boxes. PS took it but corrected that it was indeed a Child Labour Award. Latecummers Snatch and PS sr were welcomed into the circle.

Buzzer also had a nomination for a Hasher who had been particularly annoying him on the run by constantly coming up behind him and shouting. This extremely dodgy, suspicious and likely illegal activity landed Hot Nuts the Running Behind Boys Award. Sassy gave SOTB a Geek Award for wasting his time developing a Hash Website app during work hours, to which SOTB gave the company motto Family First for his award.

Sassy, on a dangerous roll, gave Ring Ring the Good Parenting (NOT!) Award for boozing with her boys. While she claimed this was not true, she gave the last of her glass to Buzzer. We then had a Real Celebrity Award to visiting radio guru Clement.
By now Tallyho had his goat up and ranted about how the wedding hadn’t been postponed to take account of his travels. After much back and forth this one backfired, with mutterings of “justice will come to you” hanging in the air! We had cellphonus interruptus by Pirate Princess and Ida from Japan, whose wife thoughtfully hurled the last of the cup at Lewinsky. Well done, we need more of that.
Proboner wanted her friend Nadine for being a tease to the Samoan boys ever since arriving. Something about cockblocking and jealousy caused her to join the award.

And at that point the Hash Monk appeared (or rather the Transformer Hash Monk). She called forth OG’s lovely lady, who 18 months ago had disappeared in the bushes and was now carrying the results, and that she had also been stargazing at the time. Henceforth she shall be known as Stargasm.
Theresa was called forth, and her husband is a star fisher, who apparently can land large fish by tickling their belly or throat. Henceforth she shall be known as Tickled.
Dave was then called forth, our resident tectonic plate expert, who shall now be known as Seismic.

As we saluted the Hash Monk, she actually started the down down too early, so it was doubled, but most of us agreed she was doing it on purpose out of severe thirst.
Back to the wedding ProBoner accused POD and Lewinsky for not even getting jiggy on their one night away from the kids. Lewinsky called this a false accusation, as their fale had been leaning, although technically that was the side Lewinsky was sleeping on. Deciding factor went to Hot Nuts, who upon requesting a dance had been told by POD that she only has eyes for Lewinsky.

Snatch nominated two Hash Meres for the Barely Covered Hooters Award – Sassy and Screamer, and POD joined for various reasons.But photos show that she was also not covering other parts! We then had a revelation as Seismic spotted PS hosing down Stargasm as if in a wet t-shirt contest.
The Hosts and the Hares – Tickled, Seismic and Poumuli were saluted and then we chowed.

Next week’s hash will be hosted by AC/DC and sundry criminals. Watch the blog for details, but the theme will be Island Style.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

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