The hash was hosted by Hooker Lure and Lenora at the heights of Vaoala, opposite the Shrine. The run had been set by Ring Ring and Buzzer, so we were apprehensively eying her sweatiness when she returned. Didn’t seem too out of breath, so we calmly set off out the gate and around the familiar path by the fence. Except this time we didn’t go straight to the road, so Dave and Poumuli had to make an urgent retreat as the rest of the pack caught up, and Ring Ring berated the idiots who weren’t following her trail. Through the plantation we finally hit the road, followed by some road running, until we again cut through the jungle, across a volley ball game, replete with treacherous holes and toe-stubbing rocks. Upon hitting the next road (Lamosa?) there was a devious false trail, which several Hashers got taken in by. Instead we headed to the Cross-Island Road for a leisurely slog down the hill. There was a moment of surprise as Lewinsky exhibited some competitive spirit by sprinting – well, the Lewinsky version of sprinting, and passing your Scribe at the gate. This was kept in abeyance, as you will see that he got plenty of awards this Hash. A good run, lots of jungle and a nice finish, with innovative use of people’s plantations and properties to keep us on our toes.
SOTB didn’t run, but he was able to stand upright against the mild breeze that was buffeting him. Calling the circle to order, the GM didn’t see any new to Apia Hash, and went straight for the rethreads – Slim Shady (chasing cattle in Oz), Slippery (in Oz for treatments, diving in Vanuatu), and Josh (got sick). All got a down down.
The Shoe Inspector Lewinsky had caught Slim Shady wearing shiny new apparel, which she tried to hide. Complaining that she might have stepped in cow shit with them, she reluctantly took a small cup, yet finished it rather slowly. Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli and Hooker Lure for being in the paper. Others were identified but the GM was too slow in calling forth closest living relatives.
On this day in history, slavery was abolished in the British Empire in 1834, but it took them exactly 6 years to actually fully implement it. For this Blatant Inefficiency Award we needed a token Pom, which fell on Swinger. It is also International Friendship Day, and the GM reckoned that Steakman had the fewest friends, so doubled his award. Roman General Mark Antony died this day in 30 BC, so SOTB took one for his namesake. Lastly, in 1998 Monica was granted immunity in return for Grand Jury testimony, so Lewinsky got the Gift That Keeps On Giving Award.
The GM had a special double award for Captain Mortein, first for child abandonment, secondly for being ridiculously attractive to a male cat that drooled on him. Male Pussy Award. As it was the last run for a while for Lenora and Josh, these were called back for a celebratory award – will miss you and please come back.
Opening up for nominations, Lewinsky was quick off the mark with an award for Snake, whom he had spotted by the side of the road in his van with the kids. When asked what he was waiting for, his response was that they were going swimming but he had forgot Fang! Wife Abandonment Award.
Swinger tried to get Hornithologist for fracturing her foot on the beach, but after some debate this was boomeranged on Swinger as an Un-chivalrous Award. POD nominated Spanky for her stellar performance in a dance troupe, and we were treated to a demo of the slap dance prior to the award.
Steakman nominated Stargasm for hushing him on the trail when he was shouting On On, but the GM decreed that Steakman join for the manner in which he shouts On On. Lewinsky then picked up again on his Snake tale, adding the Insult to Injury Award, since Fang had to join her family via taxi.
Poumuli nominated Slim Shady for the Genius Award for winning the quiz night at the Yacht Club. Lewinsky tried to get Poumuli for abandoning Wahoo to watch the rugby at HQ1, but upon clarification that this was not true, she then demanded that the award be given to both Lewinsky and her husband. This was noted for my Christmas List.
The GM noticed that Captain Mortein was shuffling a bit and asked him if he had something on his mind, to which he enquired whether he could nominate the GM for being a prick. The GM accepted graciously, as we don’t call him SOTB for nothing.
Steakman fulminated that the run had been set at short notice, and that this was unfair to Ring Ring. She defended herself by saying the GM had called her late, and she was busy doing something, to which Snake opined that this something was probably Charlie, so in the circle both of them took their award.
Screamer nominated Captain Marc for a Birthday Award (on the 4th). Poumuli nominated Wahoo for being jealous of their dog Murdoch’s success at being a chick magnet. Swinger nominated all the Yanks for not paying their debts – Orgy Georgie, Eveready, Dave, Josh and Spanky took the Debt Ceiling Award.
Eveready then nominated Poumuli for the flags hanging outside Manumea. In his right of reply, Poumuli noted that Eveready had not got the nationalities of the flags right and that they were not a new addition, having been there since the wedding and the scene of the infamous flaming nipple incident. Poumuli got the Norwegian Invasives Award while Eveready joined for the Flaming Nipples Award, amid threats that this might become his new Hash Name.
Curly had been to HQ1 after Hash 1579, had gotten plastered and had to be driven away by Tooth Fairy. He was in such bad shape that he was left in the car, only the next day Tooth Fairy found his car with the doors open, stereo and AC on and no Curly. While this is clearly Hashman like behaviour, it was also eligible for a Cruelty to Tooth Fairies Award for Curly.
Lewinsky has been abused for some time by Eveready for having a girly truck, but when Eveready got a flat tire on his monster vehicle it took him 3 hours to fix and required the help of Crash Bandicoot. Poumuli had brought some Hashshit that had been left behind by Spanky, who quickly retrieved the bag before anyone could see what was in it. Hornithologist informed that part of the bag was from Digicel as Spanky had admitted to washing her cellphone. While not disputing that he should also partake, Poumuli argued that anyone working for a phone company should join for not offering washing machine proof phones. After much ado, Spanky, Poumuli, SOTB and Lewinsky took the award.
Eveready, appreciating that Slim Shady had offered Karaoke her jacket to keep off the chills, but concerned at her statement that the jacket made her boobs bigger, demanded a demonstration, to which Steakman hungrily agreed to be the adjudicator. While the truth of the statement could not be ascertained in the dark by your Scribe, Steakman’s triumphant dancing was enough to seal the award for Slim Shady.
Curly was given a Leavers Award, joined by Captain Mortein trying to induce cellphonus interruptus for the GM, and several who had avoided awards that evening. The Hosts and the Hare were then saluted – Hooker Lure, Lawrie, Tiffany, Lenora and Ring Ring.
A couple of late awards went to Dave, for leaving on a court date, and Eveready for loudly maintaining that Lewinsky drove a woman’s truck.
Your Scribe will be absent for two runs, and we entrusted Slim Shady with Assistant Trainee Scribe duties once more.
Poumuli, IKA Slit