HASH TRASH 1623

This week’s Hash Run was held at Vaoala on Hollywood Boulevard opposite SPREP and hosted by Strangler, Dave & Bruce. The run was on paper and paint and primarily in bushland. A few dead ends were marked out with a nice little surprise for whichever “Front Running Bastard” was in the lead. Tallyho was that FRB who was gifted with the surprise, a nice warm Vailima. He flatly refused to drink it, passing it off to Steakman to consume. We all thought it was very surprising for a pom to refuse warm beer. Isn’t it always beer like that in the UK?

We then ventured into the rough terrain, which Dave had attacked with a machete earlier. A few accidents occurred crossing the creek on the very slippery rocks. Frances and Sexpot both had a stack. Slippery was living up to his name, slip sliding down the hill, whilst trying to get the perfect action shot from his fellow Hashers. Just prior to the creek, there was a choice between a walking and a running track. A few of the softer Hashers opted for the walking track, GF included. Whilst the other Hashmen and meres went on to follow the running track, which didn’t involve too much running due to the vines and tree roots that accosted us. After going up and down the hill, grabbing whatever trees and roots we could to prevent falling, we finally got out of the bushland and ended up one street parallel to Hollywood Boulevard. Not too long a run, however, the Hashers were grateful as the sky was dark and foreboding, and as the run started a little late and the sun was setting, the bushland was very dark indeed. After everyone downed their coconuts and cleaned themselves up as best as they could, the Hash Circle began. Some Hashers showed poor form and left straight after the run – so we never found out who the mystery people were, but maybe next time. Back to the Circle, the people new to Hash were introduced. Toai, was brought to Hash by Sam. Two ladies from Christchurch, Catherine and Lynne were guests of Godfather. There was a plethora of rethreads, so many in fact that there were two rounds as there were not enough Hash mugs to go round. The retreads included DMT – her reason was being in Australia bearing a child, Steakman – in the Phillipines for 2 months [Ed note – sounds very dodgy!], Sam – in the fishing tournament, Buddah & Brownout – returning after 12 years for a visit; Gayboy – looking for the Monk in Sydney; Wet Pussy – working and living far away; Witchdoctor – working; Skidmark – working (but GM thinks it’s more working out at the gym) and finally Kevin, who said he had a gammy leg. Shoe inspection then followed, and Snake could find no new shoes and so had to drink. However later on in the night, Sassy’s work boots were under scrutiny and Snake had to reinspect and found from the odour issuing from them that they in fact were not new – so in the end they both ended up having a down down. This Day in History 1882 – Krakatoa erupts so Tallyho was made to drink due to the verbal eruptions that were flowing from his gob. 1897 – Oscar Wilde was release from prison for buggery, so Gayboy was called into the circle. 1936 – Sada Abe wanders the streets of Tokyo for several days with the severed genitals of her lover in her hands – up went Ninja. 1985 – Michael Jackson’s hair got caught alight whilst filming the Pepsi commercial, so all those who’s real names were Michael were called up (Sexpot and Strangler). [It was later found out that this particular day in history was a made up one, as the Assistant Scribe originally thought we didn’t have any material until Poumuli came to the rescue and emailed GM. The actual date Michael Jackson’s hair caught fire was 27 January 1984, but it was good just to get Sexpot and Strangler to have a down down.] It was also European Maritime Day so Captain Mortein was called to the circle [Ed note – I thought we agreed that all future maritime awards should go to SOTB?]. He was almost in the running for a double until the good missus saved him by taking his sunnies off his head. GM Awards were next on the agenda. Firstly GM nominated Steakman from being blacklisted by immigration to keep the likes of him out of the country. Then Captain Mortein got done for supposedly playing with the dog – if playing implies fondling the dog’s testicles. Tallyho had a down down for leaving not one beer behind on his run but two of them at those dead ends that were mentioned earlier, allowing Steakman to drink them himself. Poor form. The Delinquency Award went to Gayboy for having a run in with the law when in Sydney for a Buck’s Party, fracturing his hand and getting chased out by a horse.

The MIA Award went to a life member Apia Hashman, Snake who got lost last week at the Mother’s Day Hash run. Snake countered that he wasn’t lost, he knew he was in Samoa not far from Apia. Although that was not good enough and down down the Vailima went. GM then opened the floor to nominations. Strangler was the first to proceed, nominating Godfather who originally complained that the run was short, but then ended up taking the Walker’s Shortcut that was mapped out. The Self Abuser Award went to Snake who nominated himself for having to tell the GM that he was very beautiful at an APTC function. The Hashers were considering renaming him, but Gayboy was already taken, Sexpot thought maybe Gaysnake. Tallyho piped up that it was probably the first time that the GM had received such a compliment. Sassy then had a gripe with her beloved son, GM for turning up late to a VERTS (Volunteer Emergency Response Team) session because he was out late getting pissed with his boyfriend, Snake. Strangler then complained that again the Vailima team did not bring the Dark Vailima to Hash so Lewinsky was the nominee, however still in NZ, the closest living relative stepped up and it turned out to be Sassygirl BJ. Steakman then nominated Crime for going on a pub crawl with him to try that Vailima Dark and in the process visited every possible establishment in town, resulting in Steakman forgetting the way home. Someone piped up that Crime doesn’t pay – literally. Gayboy tried unsuccessfully to nominate the GM for saying Samoatel is tricking people into buying tickets early for UB40 so they don’t get charged more later so they can sell more tickets. GM’s right of reply was that it isn’t Samoatel, it’s Bluesky and also he didn’t work that day. So poor Gayboy had to drink. Sassy called up one Hashmere who had rung her twice to find out the Hash location. This Hashmere was Fang who didn’t look up the website to see the map of the run. Pirate Princess got done for leaning. Sassy called up Buddah and Brownout to see how well they can scull a Vailima after 12 years away. They still did a respectable job of it. Wet Pussy nominated Bruce, one for holding the Hash run and also having a toilet that flushes hot water. Everyone wanted to know how she knew it was hot water (ie washing her hands with it etc).

Wahoo and DMT were called up to have a drink by Sassy as they are both preggas and Sassy said that “Beer is good for the baby”, so both girls downed their Vailima. The Hare & Hosts were then called up: Strangler, Mad Hatter, Dave and Bruce (it was then that it was realised that Mad Hatter was also a Retread but had not owned up to it). Dave and Bruce have now earned a Hash Name so Mismanagement will have to delve in deeper into the private lives of these two Hashman to get a name fit for them. There are no hosts as yet for next week so put up your hand if you can. On On Desperate Housewife