Once upon a time, on a little island far away, there was a
small village called Lotopa, meaning “on the way to the fields of endurance”.
Here resided Eveready, known for his exuberant preparedness, and his wife
Karaoke, known for her precocious musical talent and for her special cakes she
purveyed in the village. Eveready and Karaoke, as well as their family, were
ardent members of a local group of idiots known as Apia Hash House Harriers, a
drinking club with a running problem. Each year on special anniversaries for
their dearly departed daughter Desirable, she was, they organized a special
event and invited the Hash to their home. As an additional insult to injury,
they also insist that all must wear pink in her memory, thus making the lads of
the Hash a spectacular laughing stock for the many peasants that lined the
roads to watch the Hash. A special trail of finely shredded cellulose would be
set into the village and beyond by the faithful beverage strainer Crash
Bandicoot, himself a fictional character, who would use a magic conveyance to
take him hither and yon in setting the trail. The Hash gathered in twos and
threes and descended upon the village of Lotopa, and at the appointed hour the
Grand Master, an experienced torturer and wave hunter, gave the instructions.
These were magically brief and concise, and elicited wonder and mirth from the
Hash. Off they went into the streets of Lotopa, chanting appropriate verses of
a poem dedicated to the finding of your bloody way back home. On On cried
Poumuli. Ong Ong regurgitated Strangler. Look at me everyone, cooed
Cockblocker. And the trail was found and it was no yellow brick road, but more
like Kansas. The Hash would form and reform like the fishes in the sea,
schooling and tooling around. At one point the Hash became confused, as we
could not understand how the magical conveyance of Crash could have made it
into a forested area. We soon discovered that those of little faith were wrong,
and with a mighty push the jolly sweating swearers danced among the fallen
leaves and brightly darkened trees to find the trail. Finally it veered off into
the lower part of the fields of endurance, and it was Kansas all the way home.
The house had been gifted by the fairies from Vailima, with not just 1 but 1
and ½ barrel of the most wondrous libation, and expectantly drew near. Only to
be rudely interrupted as the shattering sounds of an angry troll appeared in
our midst. It must have been unaware that trolls turn to stone in direct
sunlight, but its charmed angry chicken hat and its trusty stick kept him going
and going and going. Once warned of this venal noxious presence, the Hash
quickly subdued the troll with a steady infusion of Vailima, until it was
transformed before our eyes into the simply grumpy Tallyho. As the hosts began
the preparations of the feast, the sun began to set, and all bar one was happy
ever after.
As the fairy tail run ended, the GM took control once again
and called the Hash Circle to order. A whole bunch of newbies were invited to
introduce themselves – these included P (Pulashti), Tom (UK), Jeff, Butts, Cam and Ellie
(NZ). Transporter then rudely disrupted the circle with a cellphonus
interruptus and took his award.
The Rethreads were Desperate Housewife, Sexpot, Snake, Hot
Flush, Weathercock, Strangler and Cockblocker. The Shoe Inspector, Snake, did a
desperate sniffing tour until he descended on P, and decided that these were
new enough to warrant drinking from, which P did with much determination.
Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky (for writing memoirs about
tryst with Clinton, thus making this a double for the use of difficult words)
and CB for being on front page of Observer. There was also an award for our
resident Fireman Sam for allowing a church to burn down, so this went to
someone with a similar name, Transporter. Tallyho then stepped in and pointed
out there were also some volunteer firemen in the Hash present, so Transporter
was joined by SOTB, Sassygirl BJ and CB for the Desecration Award.
This Day in History Awards went to Gayboy (1999 1st
celebration of Bisexuality Day in US, although Swinger could have joined),
Snake (1893 NZ women given the right to vote), Brent and Annie (1952 US bars Charlie
Chaplin to return to US after overseas trip), Ozzy (1991 Otzi the Iceman
discovered by German tourists in the Alps), Strangler (1974 punk band Stranglers
is formed) and Poumuli (1905 union of Norway and Sweden is FINALLY dissolved).
Tallyho was then dobbed in for leaning on his stick, while
the angry chicken hat made him swear that this was all part of his costume. The
GM, finally allowed to continue, mulled over the recent headlines suggesting
that Jesus had a wife, so gave a Jesus Look Alike Award to Ozzy.
Then there was the famous wife that had been caught topless,
so in a bow to the royal lineage Prince was given the QILF Award. This was doubled
by cellphonus interruptus. Then there was the story of a reptile found
somewhere on the island, so Snake got the Invasives Award.
Opening up for nominations, Poumuli presented a press
release from a significant birdwatching society, referencing WHO work on diesel
and lung cancer and that this was worse for birds. Resident Hornithologist and
ardent spewer of diesel fumes got the Irony Award.
The GM then relayed a text message that he had received from
Deep Throat all the way in Kentucky, requesting a down down for Lewinsky for
old times sake. Amidst cries that this should be cellphonus, Lewinsky struggled
to do the award. To add insult to injury, Top Shelf nominated Lewinsky and
Slippery for having a private circle in the Hash Circle.
Brent wanted to nominate the new med students, who had been
raiding the hospital supplies to find something pink. Snake corroborated this,
as they had told him “you don’t want to know where this came from”. But as
usual the GM decided that this was dedication to Hash, so Brent got the
Boomerang Award.
Sassy had observed some panicked text and blog traffic after
the last Hash, as someone purloined a set of rental car keys that had been
stupidly left on a table. So Lewinsky stepped in for being Mine Host in a Den
of Iniquity Award, and Brent and Annie for the Abject Failure Award.
After many libations, Bruce now wanted an award for Poumuli
for having a national cricket team made up entirely of imports (they were
actually either 1st or 2nd generation Pakistanis) that
also thrashed Samoa in their last game. But as always, Hash is brutal with long
explanations, having regularly suffered the meandering “mind” of FBI, so the
such-named award went to Bruce. Better luck next time!
Eveready made a special presentation to Slim Shady for her
ardent interest in looking at his avocados, and gave her an elongated pod which
she claimed would give her sweet dreams. Sexpot rather surprisingly noticed the
eyes-on-a-stalk interest in this from DH and Goldfinger, which DH tried to
obviate by pointing out Tallyho’s continued staff leaning.
Wahoo came late, which was dumbly pointed out by a thirsty
Poumuli. A special bet had been made by Sassy and Sexpot during the Ragamuffin
to run together, but Sexpot came late and messed it up for her, hence a Ruined
Expectations Award. Delicious then
nominated Karaoke for the Sexy Grandma Award for her hot pink shorts, which she
flaunted by demonstration using the medium of pole dancing.
As we continue to have crap weather for the runs, Poumuli
nominated Weathercock for the Dereliction of Duty Award, joined by weather mere
Lowrider. On the run Gayboy had been uncharacteristically chivalrous to Lucy,
but she got his name wrong – Boomerang Backfire. The GM then gave the med
students a down down for surreptitiously coming to Hash to study the psychology
of group madness as part of their coursework.
In a rather confusing moment in Hash History, Tallyho
awarded the Angry Chicken to Strangler. This will no doubt cause a precedence.
The Hare and the Hosts were saluted, doubled for Crash for
setting it on wheels, while Eveready recalled to us the start of this tradition
of the pink runs in memory of Desirable.
Next week’s run will be hosted by Gayboy so watch the blog.
On On
Poumuli
