In the beginning there was light, and it was good. And thus, lo, woe unto us then with daylight savings time. For as the Grand Tribal Elders of the Hash, those of mismanagement, have not as yet had the gumption to sit down and ponder, the Hash was yet again commenced at the appointed time of 5.30, as decreed by the stone tablets posted on the internet. In the days of HRPPites, Hashers from near and far travelled to the house of Sicak Somun, or Hot Nuts, and many weary Hashers were allowed to make their ablutions in his outhouse. Hailing us with a voice like unto a band of trumpets, he bade the Hashers to enter out, not to the left, but to the right from his gates. Led forth by committed Albionite Ta’lly-ho, the Hashers stormed out of the gates like the Hounds of Ninneveh, that dwelleth in the land of very hot soil, hence their speed of grace. As the bounding and bouncing locks of the lead Hashers ran out, they ground mightily to a halting canter, as the steep ground rapidly descended into deep bushy marshes. With much wailing and gnashing of teeth, clinging to fence at their side, leaping over the wire that is barbed, and verily decrying their misery, the Hashers eventually landed in the Valley of the Shadow of Vaea. This valley is a particularly desolate place and the sinful were quickly reduced to a slow slathering walk, while the sprightly Catamite Gayboy avoided the Valley altogether. Like Moses leading the flock, his bouncing locks like the burning bush, T’ally-ho led the Hash up the valley. Soon appeared before them the Rock of Perdition, so named for it is easier for a rich man to get through the eye of a needle than it is for a camel to. The Rock, hewn from the valley wall by ancient megalopods was an obstacle that caused further wailing and gnashing of teeth, even unto the brave Albionite, who cried in a loud voice for the Hash to halt at the top of the rock for a moment of rejoicing. Being deaf as well as dumb, Cockblocker and Gayboy heedeth not the call of the ancient, and set forth on their own. T’allyho swore that they would be smote, even unto the down down. The flock was finally shown the true path, when the miraculously fine shredded papyrum was found, and the road to Rome – or via ad Roma was acquired. There were songs of thanksgiving at the sight of Patrinus Scriptor suavis nuces.
Enough. Tallyho assembled the circle stepping in again as GM, lord help us. There were a few new to Hash. They were Kalolo (brought by someone called Jams), Leon and Mellie (brought by someone called Aqua Samoa), Dave (works at SPREP), Anna (Med Student) and Annie (brought by Slim Shady). Clearly having lost his marbles, the GM needed unctuous persuasion to allow punishment to those who had not explained the rules to their guests – Swinger and Offspring.
The Rethreads were Do Me Twice (being a mummy), Witch Doctor (in Norway), Hippy, Screamer, Slim Shady, Popeye, Poumuli, Snake and John. Offspring was brought in for a farewell award, as we had been mistakenly informed that she was leaving (not until after next Hash).
Lewinsky as Shoe Inspector tried to get Witch Dr the award, but roundly failed and was condemned by the GM. Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky (closest living relative to Sassy who was in the paper), Prince (some Princely scam reported in the paper), Godfather (fishing programme on TV), Poumuli (for Wahoo being in a TV ad for Manumea).
This Day in History went to Slim Shady (1674 Dutch hand over New Netherlands to the Brits – this became NY where she once lived), Ring Ring (1951 first cross country direct dial in the US), Eveready and Hippy (for marching on Armistice Day), Witch Dr (1905 Norway votes for monarchy not republic), and Lewinsky (1995 2nd incident of “no sexual relations with that woman”).
The GM took back the reins and as promised he wanted to punish those who hadn’t heeded his bellow of Hash Halt. This turned out to be CB, Gayboy, Stick, Ozzie Osbourne and Hornithologist, but the latter had buggered off already. Then there were those who had not been on the run – Prince, those who had gotten sweaty thinking about the run – Weathercock, and those who had been late – Zsa Zsa. This Incapability Award took the usual extraordinary time to be finished due to Zsa Zsa.
Snake had been handing out some goofy calendar of scantily-clad sweaty Kiwi firemen that had the Hash Meres agog with lust and slathering, but it was Titty Galore’s eyes-on-stalks that landed her the Cougar Award, much to Godfather’s righteous acclaim.
Opening up for nominations, DMT nominated CB for sending her babysitter home to get the Angry Bird Hat, threatening her and said sitter with violence if they told anyone, and then neglecting the Baby while the sitter was away. An Extraordinarily Bad Parenting Award to CB.
Poumuli had been reading disturbing stories about food poisonings and poor service in the papers, and as enquiring minds wish to know where to eat, asked several of the proprietors in the Hash whether they ate at their own establishments or their own goods. POD – absolutely. Eveready and Karaoke – for sure. Godfather – absolutely. Gayboy – er, well never is the real answer so now we know where not to eat.
Having overheard Karaoke muttering about the unfortunate defeat of Mittens Romney, CB decided to award her the Angry Bird hat. Snake nominated Hot Nuts for an FBI Award for his lengthy eructation of a speech at the start of the run, while Crash Bandicoot got a Latecummer Award.
Weathercock had been asked to step in to the Shave-it-or-Save-it event, as a colleague had volunteered but had had to travel. Poumuli thus got the Close Shave Award. Witch Dr accused CB of advertising as far away as Norway, and upon producing the proof, CB had to take his down down wearing the shirt (hope to get pictures of this soon).
At a local poker game Poumuli had been horrified to hear Slim Shady berating a fellow hasher as Lord Scrotum, but she countered that Weathercock was surely the largest lordliest of them all. Weathercock demurred by repeating the tale of what Slim Shady had been doing on an outback ranch, which was basically to polish bulls’ scrota – at which point your Scribe was laughing to hard and the tears were coating the page making the full story lost to Hash History.
Lewinsky nominated Gayboy for Prick of the Week Award for selling shoes in the circle, while Swinger’s friend Robbie was nominated for being a moocher.
The hosts and the hare – Hot Nuts, Nutcracker, Slim Shady were saluted and Crime was added for being so helpful to getting people over that godawful rock. Godfather thanked the Hashers that had joined the walk for life, which had raised 50k or more. POD also announced that Hash had made a contribution to the funeral of Fireman Sam’s father.
Next week will be at Screamer’s place in Siusega, and the Assistant Trainee Scribe will be Slim Shady.
Poumuli, IKA Slit