Monday, December 17, 2012

Xmas Hash Trash 2012

‘Twas two Hash Runs before Xmas, when all through the Snakepit, not a creature was stirring not even a Horny Ho....this is going to be too hard if I keep trying to tie this in with a Christmas Poem so....
The Xmas Hash run started off with sweltering heat and costumes a plenty.  Dirty Dancer James was not in fact the Reindeer Dancer, but took the role as Santa and left the other med students to be the team of Reindeer, not forgetting Rudolph too.  Many other Hashmen and Meres were dolled up with tinsel, baubles, Santa hats and the like.
Fireman Sam and his crew arrived with the Fire truck for Santa and his elves to board and the pickup.  We headed out of the hot Snakepit and embarked on our journey toward our first stop and for our first glass of what was to be many a Vailima for the night.  Firstly we sang carols accompanied by Godfather’s Ukulele, and then were offered delightful finger food, vailima and juice.  Sassygirl, being the Hash Nazi for the night, quickly told us Hashers to wrap it up and head on to our next stop.
For us fortunate enough to be riding on the fire truck or pick up, we couldn’t help but notice that this year’s fire truck was making our Hasher’s work hard for their beers.  With the speed a lot faster than previous years.  You could see some of our poor Hashfolk struggling.  Fortunately the sun had lost some of its sting so we didn’t have any Hasher’s passing out.
Next stop was Cappuccino Vineyard where again carolling began, and with the singing of some of those reindeers, maybe they have missed their calling....methinks a cameo at Carols in the Park is due for them.  Again we were graciously attended to by the wonderful staff at CV. 
On On was the call and again the Hashers proceeded to head to On the Rocks, all the while with Santa tossing lollies to the children and other onlookers on the way.  Thankfully Santa was responsible and did not throw the lollies on to the road this year thus avoiding the local kids playing real life Frogger just to get them some candy.
Soon we joined all the old fogies that commune at On the Rocks and entertained the old Geezers with carols of old.  Again drinking down some lukewarm Vailima, the staff whilst being thoughtful for having the beer ready didn’t think to keep it in the cold towers.  Sassy again called the signal to be off and we left what was left of the warm beer to the geriatrics down at OTR.
YNot was our next port of call.  And yes more carolling to be done.  A quick stop it was as time was getting away from us.  Luckily the next stop was right next door at Paddles where the Hashmen and Mere entertained the patrons, and also gave an impromptu Birthday song and dance to Josh, Skidmark’s son who was dining with Skidmark and his family for his 10th Birthday.
Finally it was back to the Snakepit for us to go and have a Vailima or 10 to soothe our raspy throats from all that singing.
As we sojourned whilst Mismanagement were collecting the Hash Cash, the GM arrived after flying from Auckland (after a flight delay) and driving at high speed to be with us to call the Hash Circle to Order.  There were many items on the Agenda for this Xmas Hash run, with Awards and Namings, so there wasn’t to be any mucking around or we wouldn’t have been eating til Midnight.
As there were too many newbies to mention, GM gave a warm welcome to them and went on to the Rethreads.  We had to do the Rethreads in shifts as there were not enough Hash Mugs to go around so here goes:
Rethread Group 1 – Emily, DMT, Slippery, Meat Lovers, Pirate Princess, Anita and Naval Base, Uncle Fred.  Uncle Fred found this opportunity to congratulate the Fire Brigade for their support for us during this run. 
Rethread Group 2 – Toothfairy, Soprano, FBI, Walking Eagle, CB, GM, Xavier and Seismic.
Shoe Inspector Snake went around and found CB and also Gayboy (who though he got out of it because he had changed out of them).  CB’s new fancy shoes must have been one of those ones that drain well when in water as half of his came out before he had to drink it.  Gayboy’s seemed to be the normal variety so he managed to finish it all from his shoe.
Tallyho was got busted for talking, as was Poumuli who didn’t have “This Day in History” done for us, so Witchdoctor as closest living relative was made to take it.  The Reindeers were also threatened to quieten down or be shot.

It was then time for the Awards Ceremony.  Number 1 was Lewinsky who got Father and Husband of the Year Award for getting drunk and forgetting to pick his lovely wife and baby daughter up from the airport.

The Domestic Violence Award went to our Angry Bird of last week, Dave who thought it was UFC at his home resulting in a broken little toe to his little lady.  Dave tried with a Right of Reply, not realising there is no Right of Reply when it is GM awards.
GM then referred to last week’s Hash Run hosted at Skidmark, Dave and Alisha’s place, where Da Head went up to the Hostess asking when she was due.  Turns out she wasn’t pregnant but then he tried to cover up his mistake by hitting on her.

It was at this time, GM spied a bevy of people leaning on the red & white pick up that belonged to the Fire Brigade, so a representative of the Fire Department had to stand forth and take a down down.  Fireman Sam came up to take it as well as taking the opportunity to thank the Hashers for their condolences and support after the recent loss of his father.

GM awarded the Best Costume Award to Santa and his Reindeer.  So they had to take a down down.  Then Tallyho wanted one of the reindeer to donate their costume to the Hash Shrine.  Rudolph volunteered and proceeded to take off his antlers and nose, but he was eventually coerced to disrobe as well much to Snatch’s delight, although she was hoping for the Full Monty but as there were children present, we had to keep it PG.  The Hashman then tried crying out for the female Reindeer to donate too but that didn’t happen.

The Dumbass Award when to, you guessed it, Dumbass for forgetting to book a flight home to Samoa for his kids for Christmas.  GM said he was too busy looking at himself in the paper.
Suddenly a special guest arrived, the Hashmonk, looking very sexy in silver shoes.  She mentioned she had just jetted in, after being in Rio de Janeiro with Sexpot at the Mardi Gras Parade.  She was here to name a few new Hashmen and Meres into the fold. 
First up was Lucy who at the last Hash wanted to skinny dip in Dave & Alisha’s pool.  As the Monk saw that she was more than happy to strip off and dance around poles, she was christened “The Stripper”. 
Siv was next called up, she really wanted to name herself which the Monk was quick to point out – that just doesn’t happen.  She was named “Bollywood”.
Emily was up next and due to her swimming prowess was named “Alcatraz” due to the fact that not many criminals have ever been able to swim from there – but if she was ever to go there, we were sure she would be able to – freak that she is.
Fireman Sam was then called up – which the Scribe thought was already his hash name but found it was just a nickname.  The Monk then went on about how when Sam usually turns up to a fire it is already malala (charcoal), we thought he was going to be named that, or else “994” which is the number of the Fire Department, but then The Monk had tricked us all and named him “Fireman Sam”.
Next was the young couple who hosted las
t week’s Hash, Dave and Alisha.  The Monk with her omnipotent power had seen into the past, where she saw a younger Dave but still much older than his lady.  He tried to win her heart (amongst other things) despite the fact she in fact was not yet legal.  The Monk named him “Carnal Knowledge” and Alisha, “Jailbait”. 
Each newly named Hashman and Mere were christened in the usual manner with flour and water.  The Hash Monk must have been in a good mood after Rio as today the recipients were very lucky not to get the egg or tomato sauce that sometimes accompanies the Baptism.
The Monk then left as stealthily as she came not before having a down down herself – all that baptising is thirsty work.
The Angry Bird Award went from Carnal Knowledge to Slim Shady for turning up to a bloke’s poker game, and winning everything and then not wanting to go into Paddles for Xmas carols as it was too hot. 

The reindeers got a down down for chariot riding on the back of the fire truck.
Celebrity Award next and a lot of celebs due to Christmas Parties in full swing and other important current affairs.  These celebrities included volunteers, Dumbass, Sexpot, Slim Shady, Stick and Hot Nuts.

Lewinsky got nominated for not writing a speech for a wedding that the GM had to do instead.  Lewinsky piped up saying “Being Best Man is like making love to the Queen – It’s a great honour but no one wants to do it”. Although Tallyho put his hand up to it being loyal to the throne as he is.
The final awards to be presented were the ones that have been on the AHHH website.  And they went as follows:
Prick of the Year with a staggering 52% of votes - CB, he took his down down in the cock glass but did so with his hat and sunglasses on, so had to have another.

Tit of the Year went to Screamer with 47% of votes.  As Screamer was absent, the closest living relative was the lovely Goldfinger who had to drink from the nipple of the titflask.  FBI piped up that he almost came in his pants as he watched her.

Hash Run of the Year went, not surprisingly, to Pussysnatcher for one of his epic runs around Vailima/Letava way hosted by Ladyfinger and Dried Nuts which included bush bashing, rope climbing and the like.

GM then announced it was time for nominations.  Sassy was first (as usual) and she nominated the reindeer:  Donner, Vixen, Dancer and Prancer for their wonderful singing during the carolling.  Stay tuned for the Christmas Album out next year!  
Carnal Knowledge awarded a Jessica Simpson Award to Probono for her establishment CV where he ordered a chicken sandwich but got a tuna sandwich instead.  Slim Shady pointed out to CK that tuna is the chicken of the sea.  In the end CK and Probono had a down down together.
GM with his beer hat on, spoke of a Hashman that was not happy with their name Dumbass, he kept saying it was supposed to be “Da Mass”.  Both Dumbass and GM had drink together.
Screamer nominated Godfather for losing Titty G’s pussy of the back of the pickup driving home from last week’s Hash run.

Three reindeer, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen were nominated for eating all the lollies on the back of the fire truck that were intended for the poor and needy whilst they were chariot riding at the same time.
Sassy nominated the Fire Service Guys for all their hard work and contributing to a great Hash Run once again.  Fireman Sam and his posse took their down downs.
Lewinsky nominated GM for acing his exams in Auckland and then racing back to GM the Hash Circle just in the nick of time.

Tallyho wanted to nominate Twin Peaks, AKA, FBI for god knows what (at this stage the Scribe had too many Vailima) but he was warned off but a hungry mob as the Hash crew were getting into Starvation mode.

Mismanagement were called up for contributing to Hash over the past year, they included POD, Lewinsky, Sassygirl, Eveready, Snake, GM and DH.  Poumuli was absent in the lead up to the birth of his first child with the lovely Wahoo, so missed out but many thanks to you for being Head Scribe.
We were informed that the Hash for next week, 17 December is open – any takers?  Uncle Fred then entered the circle and sang the Faafetai song, and the Hash Circle proceedings were called to an end. 
The crowd then helped themselves to a sumptuous Xmas Hash Feast, the efforts of Bev and her crew and there was food a plenty as well as many Vailima kegs to be drunk.  Music provided by Sassy’s car and Godfather’s ukulele made it a perfect end to a perfect Hash Run that was enjoyed by all.
Merry Christmas and On On.

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