Hash Run 1671 - On the Rocks (Hole in the wall)

Good Morning All,

As we could not find a host for tonight's run, we will have a BYO food for the BBQ run at HQ1, On the Rocks Bar at our usual spot in the back. If you plan to eat, bring a little something to throw on the BBQ. We will have our usual Keg, Softies and hopefully sweet nuts.

There is a rumor that the monk may make an appearance next week so make sure you are there!

We will have a live hare and start at 5:30pm so see you all there.

On On!

Hash Trash - 1670

HASH TRASH 1670

This week’s Hash Run was hosted by Transporter and his brother Jesse at Vaitele with the valiant help of Prince and Lowrider.  There was no set run so Prince was the live Hare and everybody was out to catch him.  So on-out of Saleki motors they went and on left up towards the playing fields.

According to those that went on the run, it went up and up, then round and round, then up again, pause to watch CB get mauled by a local dog at a Hash Halt, before going back down and then up again.  What the! Apologies for the lack of detail, but I didn’t run as I was guarding the keg with Sassy Girl and Lowrider.

Anyway, not long after many a golden ale and Godfather’s sweet cool nuts were being consumed, the Hash circle was called to order by GM.  First up the newbies were called up.  For such a big crowd, over 50! there was only one new Hashman, Paul, whose partner is Ladyfinger and Dried Nuts’ daughter Claire.  He followed the correct Hash protocol by naming his potential father-in-law by the name Ladyfinger, but unfortunately took his down down (with much gusto) too early, in fact way before Godfather had even strummed a string on his ukulele (maybe also because GF was still pottering about in his pick up looking for it).  So therefore Ladyfinger had to then take a down down to our lovely singing voices (as Godfather was still rummaging around in his pick up - where is TTG when you need her!).

Retreads were then called up – they were trying to call them up 5 at a time as there were quite a few until we realised that Dawn Raid was not actually a retread at all (having in part hosted Hash 1668) and was trying to weasel his way in for an extra down down.  The GENUINE retreads included Dried Nuts, Ladyfinger, Claire, Hornothologist and Phil.

Ozzy was the nominated shoe inspector and although he could not find any new shoes, he did notice that Lewinsky and POD’s daughter, Happy Feet had a lovely new pair of gumboots.  He also mentioned that as it was Hot Flush’s last Hash here before heading back to Australia and that Hot Flush always complained because he never got to drink out of his shoe (sicko!), so Ozzy said that Hot Flush should have a down down from his shoe and, because they were best buds, Ozzy will drink from the other.  As Happy Feet had those flash gumboots, Lewinsky was made to have his down down from one of them leaving POD to console their daughter after her beautiful boot was ruined by Vailima (and dad’s backwash!).

This day in history was next on the agenda with Sexpot announcing those moving times of our past.  In 1910 Samuel L Clemens (aka Mark Twain) died today – Transporter (who’s also known as Sam).  In 1984 Advance Australia Fair is proclaimed as Australia’s national anthem – Ozzy took the down down.  1960 – Brazil inaugurated its new capital Brasilia – this award was given to our newly crowned King of the Brazilian Wax – Eveready.  April 23, 1564 – was the birthday of none other than William Shakespeare – our usual whinging Pom repesentative Tally ho was called up.  1996 – Monica Lewinsky’s superiors transferred her from the White House to The Pentagon because they felt she was spending too much time around Clinton – Lewinsky.

The Celebrity Award was next and Wahoo’s name was mentioned due to her step mum being in the paper – as Wahoo was overseas, the next closest living relative, Witchdoctor was called up.  POD’s dad the good judge was also in the paper.  Transporter’s name was called out on the Radio on Friday for his birthday, and finally Julia Gillard’s photo was in yesterday’s paper for the launch of kayak4youth.  As Julia Gillard (aka Brian from Ford) was not available to accept the award of a down down, Xavier took it as closest living relative.

GM Awards were next and his first nomination went to myself, DH, as someone leaked it out to him (not mentioning any names Sexpot!) that I might have fallen out of the fale at Transporter’s birthday bash at Tafatafa. 

Next went to the Parents of the Year, Darren and Ally whose baby son Jack was spotted with beer in hand in a blow up tube also at Tafatafa.

CB got an award for getting a Hash Tattoo – the dog bite.

Swinger got one for not realising he is allergic to penicillin and his face blew up (not literally) but it did get swollen.  Swinger was still in Fiji so his brother Phil had it for him.  Hot Nuts then piped up to tell the circle that he in fact gave Swinger the medication and was the true culprit.  So Hot Nuts had a down down too.

Hot Flush was also called up as it was his last Hash run due to leaving Samoa to return to his family in Australia.  At this time Slippery presented Hot Flush with a gift of an Angry Birds T-shirt and then also nominated himself to have a down down with Hot Flush. Not sure about all these self-nominations going on!

After the GM awards nominations from the floor opened.  Tallyho was first calling Prince up for being a live hare, having everyone follow him including his dog, but then having to stop as he had to send the dog back home.  He also called a Hash pause at one stage but then didn’t pause long enough for some of the runners.

GM got a chariot riders award for hitching a ride with Dumbass.  Seema awarded the “Gentleman’s Award” to Snake who brought Sassy’s car to her so she didn’t have to get her shoes muddy from the pouring rain.

Hot Flush nominated Transporter for not being in the circle as he was seeing to the bbq.  The Antisocial award went to Jesse – again through no fault of his own as he was overseeing the bbq too.

Karyn nominated Ozzy due to Ozzy Osbourne saying he has not split up with Sharon, he had just been an arsehole for a few years.

Snatch tried to call any Kiwis up to congratulate NZ for instilling same sex marriage laws but then that broke the Hash’s No.1 rule, so she had to have a down down and to make it fitting with the theme of her nomination, she had to pick another girlfriend to have a down down with and so she picked Lowrider.  We’ll just call this the Letsbefriends Awards.

Sexpot nominated CB for expelling the contents of his stomach on the beach in front of Sexpot and DH’s son which lasted 5 or so minutes.  This again was at Tafatafa on the weekend.  Speaking of this same weekend, SOTB nominated Sexpot for betting his son to get his gear off and streak in front of 7 full busloads of tourists who had come to see the beautiful beaches of Samoa, and not a little Ukrainian with his kit off.  This in turn led Transporter to nominate Eveready who was trying to offer Lowrider $500 to do a strip around the same time.  Eveready said that the story was actually wrong and he wanted Sexpot to strip.

Transporter offered a thank you down down to 3 of his boys who helped prepare the food and were cooking the BBQ.  Sam wanted to give his dad a down down but he had to take it due to a bad case of liver illness his dad had in the past (Mmm...I wonder how he got that).

Tallyho then called up a certain hashmere who was complaining in the Hash circle that she never gets called up for a down down – so Nicola was given a token down down to stop her whinging.

Hot Flush nominated Irini for going for the run but not staying for the Hash circle – as Irini had already left, Alcatraz was given the Vailima.

Transporter was called up for a birthday beer, while Hot Flush was called up for his last down down and was also rewarded with a few Hashmen singing the Hash Anthem – Swing Low Sweet Chariot.

Tallyho then bestowed upon us the Hash Shrine which we all bowed to and then showed us the new token he found on his run – a piece of the quarry or what he like to call it a moon rock from a meteorite that landed many years ago.  CB also contributed one of his bandaids from the dog bite he acquired following the run.

The Hare and Host, Prince and Jesse then went up to accept their thank you down down and that brought the Hash Circle to a close.  We were then spoilt with a sumptuous feast courtesy of Jesse and his gang.  The keg ran out but another two crates miraculously appeared and the night kicked on.

There is no host as yet for next week’s run.  So keep your eye on the website to check out the details closer to the date.

On On.

Hash Run 1670 - Transporter & Jesse at Vaitele

Good morning All,

Tonight's run is being hosted by Transporter and his brother Jesse in Vaitele. We will be at the Sayleck motors workshop where we had the last run hosted by Transporter.. The workshop is located just up behind the Vaitele Markets.

Run will start at 1730Hrs and we will have our nectar of life and softies and hopefully some more sweet nuts from Godfather.

The hosts are providing the spread for tonight's run so just bring your hash cash and running gear and we will see you all there.

On On

Hash Trash 1669

Greetings all Hashers as you were most warmly welcomed to the Lewinsky Abode on that drizzly day. The rain had been with us for a while and we all thought that this would be a cool run, but no. The humidity was around 250% and we now understood why Lewinsky had set the run by chariot aided by the fleet-footed Megan. Setting the pack on the trail, we were informed that it was on paper and that a shorter trail had been set for the walkers. Off we went past the rugby pitch were the action was on full display for the many Hash Meres who called an impromptu appreciation halt. We hit the Apia Park road and continued eastwards with little complication until we got to the old Blue Marlin, where Lewinsky awaited to guide the walkers. Tallyho, Cockblocker and several others had run ahead on the longer trail which took them to the Fagalii area. Your Scribe set out to follow them but declared defeat after 1/2 mile and took to the short. This led inland from Blue Marlin, through the various backroads in Vaivase and into the Faatoia roads that lead to the mangroves and water pipe area, leading to the bridge. Instead we headed towards the back of Apia Park, to the 4 corners at UNDP and on home. So the run was basically all road, we were hot and sweaty and the coconuts tasted sweet.

SOTB called the circle to some sort of order, but the acoustics of Lewinsky’s deck were not conducive. New to Apia Hash were Cindy from NZ brought by Nicola, Greg and Shelly brought by Desperate Housewife and Sexpot, and Monty brought by someone called Spam. They were all given a down-down and the mistaken identity Transporter joined them. Rethreads were Crash Bandicoot, Snake, Strangled, Xavier and Tupou.

Ozzie Osbourne was instantaneous on the floor for the shoe inspection, having spotted the GM’s bright blue new ones, and the GM performed the act in a heinously disgusting manner. Celebrity Awards went to Lezzie (in the Observer, taken by closest living relative Transporter), and Hot Flush for apparently being a requirement on the Korean peninsula.

This Day in History Awards went to Witch Doctor (1775 – last execution for witchcraft in Germany), Weathercock (1955 opening of first McDonalds), Lewinsky (1999 Clinton cited for contempt of court for giving intentionally false statements), Ozzie Osbourne (2011 documentary God Bless Ozzie Osbourne released), Karen (2010 Black Eyed Peas hit – she had one) and Imelda (2013 Tropical Storm Imelda batters Mauritius).

The GM had been expecting your Scribe to give out another History Award to Lewinsky, but as was pointed out in the circle the picture below is a hoax, as she was born on 23 July 1973 (a day we will celebrate of course in the usual manner), so the perpetrators Strangler and Hot Flush took the Caught in Fabrication Award.

Turning to the run, the GM had been fondled by a passing Mere. While we all felt that he should be grateful  for small mercies, Nicola took the Asexual Harassment Award. Godfather got the Battlehorse Award for taking the long route. A hasher had pulled in to work, off his face to the point of referring to boats as little duckies, thus Employee of the Week Award to Darren.

Tallyho, as is his wont, decided to assist the GM by calling out Lewinsky for setting the run by chariot, and not only that, had made Megan do most of the legwork, so a Breaking Rule 4 Award to the two of them. With his deepest and most insincere gratitude the GM thanked Tallyho by giving him the Iron Lady Award in recognition of her passing. Tallyho’s eulogy was drowned out by rust in peace. As he was wearing a headlamp this was doubled.

Opening up for nominations, Karaoke was annoyed that Lewinsky had made her miss the run by asking her to cook the pig for the Hash, but as it transpired this was the hairiest and ugliest pig ever. The GM opined that it must have been cheap as well, so the Cheap Hairy Ugly Pig Award went to Karaoke while she fulminated on the injustices of the world. Thinking he could try and implicate Lewinsky, Eveready opined that they had needed to do a Brazilian wax on the pig, but was therefore rewarded with the Having Knowledge of How to Brazilian Wax a Pig Award.

During this extraordinary discussion Tallyho had been blowing on his whistle, and Sassygirl BJ had been told by her neighbouring Mere that he could blow that on her tits anytime. In her defence Slim Shady claimed that Sassy was deaf, but took the No Visuals Please Award. The GM spotted a leaner who was invited to join his inviter Transporter in taking the award.

Ozzie thought the run had been great, running the long route with the fitter guys only to be tapped on the butt by CB as he passed him. To his shock and horror he realized that CB’s hands were up in the air, thus a Look No Hands Sexual Assault Award went to CB, although it could be construed as living up to his hash name.

Sassy was most irate that she had not been invited to a Hash Birthday last week, but had been informed belatedly by the GM. Lewinsky claimed that it was an informal gathering and he had asked some ants to pass the word, which then settled the matter and he and the GM got the Ageist Award. On a roll Sassy had been on Facebook only to discover a Mere looking for her husband when he should have arrived already at the airport – Nudge Nudge Say No More Award to Prince.

Do Me Twice got the Latecummer Award, while Sassy nominated Shelly and Karaoke for the Overdressed for Hash Award. Towards the end of the run, Poumuli had been passed by another Hasher, but turning the corner at Taumeasina he then spotted said Hasher walking, but upon hearing Poumuli’s steps he quickly picked up his pace and nearly trotted in to the On Home. For Unseemly Sportsmanship Award to Prince – we are not a sporting club!

Transporter had been amongst the last to return from the run with Anthony, who complained that he hadn’t brought his wallet to pay for a taxi to get him through the last miles. Confirmed by legal scholar Tallyho, Conspiring to Consider Chariot Riding is an offence and must be duly awarded.

Moving on to completely different matters, Slim Shady had been enthralled to learn of the new lifestyle that Snake has adopted in NZ, especially his description of how to milk cows. Suffice to say this warranted a Tickler Award. Lewinsky gave Megan the Excessive Pollution Award for dropping huge chunks of paper in the middle of villages on the run.

Weathercock had by now got his defences sorted out, and misquoting Churchill in retaliation for the McDonalds jibe, called the GM ugly, but he could lose the weight, and demanded a down down for all the Hashers he had bested in the Rotary quiz – Hot Flush, Witch Doctor, Imelda, Slippery, Slim Shady and the GM.

Tallyho was absolutely gobsmacked at what he considered the most successful dob in Hash History, and gave a congratulatory History Award to Weathercock. Poumuli had intended to give him some crap because of the crap weather, but instead requested that Lowrider take the No Rain on Hash Award for not preventing the awful running conditions. This prompted the befuddled memory of Hot Flush to recall that while at On the Rocks he had been mistaken for the husband of a Mere, thus a Mistaken Identity Award to Wahoo.

To the usual fanfare Tallyho brought forth the Hash Shrine, and complained that the run had been so long and boring that he hadn’t been able to find anything to put in it. But a Mere had desecrated the shrine by dropping an empty Coke can into it. Ring Ring got the Desecration Award, but was joined by Tallyho for an Inconsequential Non Sequitur Award – if the run was that long surely something of interest could have been found.

Darren decided to award the Chicken Angry Bird Hat to Weathercock for his comment to the GM, and was joined by Darren and Ally for actually washing the hat finally. Unfortunately we will be missing Weathercock for some weeks, but the Bird will return.

Sassy had been running with one of the Hashers who had recounted being in Savaii by himself and being propositioned repeatedly by buxoms, yet had resisted – Celibate as a Pope Award to Snake. After a special down down for Chef Jesse and support crew Lowrider, Poumuli made a half-arsed attempt that ended in ignomy.

A Phonus Interruptus Award went to Ally, Darren and Crash, followed by the salute to the Hosts and Hares, before a most delicious meal was served up for the by now hungry and sozzled.

Next week’s run will be in Vaitele with Transporter and catering by Jesse. Details will be posted by the GM, but be on the lookout for derelict ambulances. Desperate Housewife will stand in as Scribe.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1668

Once upon a time, on an island far far away, there was a clan of madmen and madmeres known as the Apia Hash. They were renowned nowhere as great athletes and sportsmen, and for generally making a complete mess of anything they touched, except for their prized possession – the keg of golden nectar. They would gather every week to practice at being runners but also to give thanks and praises to the flowing Vaillima and its many accordant virtues including massive expurgitation. And so it was that on a fine Monday the Hash ascended the winding hills through Vailima, Vaoala and reached the little hamlet of Tiapapata, the home of Poumuli, a fine gentle noble of Viking descent, and his dear wife Wahoo, made of feistier Samoan stock. The hashers came from near and far, having great expectations for the feast to come, and caring nay for the punishment that was to be borne upon them. Little thought had been spared at the fact that the run had been set by that medical wiccan Witch Doctor. With her tangled hair and mud splattered boots she presented a fearsome visage on the best of days, but the combination of said with the rancid sweat of setting the trail, as well as the warnings about rope should have made most sane runners quibble and turn. Not so, said Tallyho and tallied ho, followed by an assortment of fit and not so. The trail had been cunningly set using shredded paper the texture of shredded paper, and down Lamosa Road we followed. A sharp turn under the leaves of an ancient young tree took the pack into a somewhat dry riverbed. At once the pace ground to a walking halt as the rocks and crannies rose up to twist at unsuspecting ankles. The pack soon ran into the first of many obstacles conjured up by some demon dwarf geologist, and this slowed the pack further. The mighty Godfather – spurning the assistance of the rope – scrabbled up the slope like a Sagittarius and hewed a path for all to follow. The next obstacle was equally daunting, and Karen nearly lost her footing and slide into the abyss. Cursing vehemently in the antipodeans manner, she called on the deities to shit a brick. When she heard a small voice pleading not now, she nearly lost her footing again. There were many more hills to climb until the fata morgana of the Baha’i temple loomed out of the gloom, at which thankfully it was on home.

Back at the compound sore muscles were stimulated into a semblance of normality by the flowing keg. SOTB the GM called the circle to order and those new to Apia Hash were summoned, and that was Deb sister of Desperate Housewife who got the right answer to who made you come. Since she is here for holidays she was given a down down to Tallyho’s approving comment that she was a good swallower. Aolagi, daughter of Pussysnatcher and Snatched was also introduced, but no one needed a DNA test to prove any ancestry there. The rethreads were DH, Screamer, Hot Flush, Weathercock, Snatched and Slippery.

Ozzy Osbourne was appointed Shoe Inspector and found Weathercock’s shiny new kayaks, which he gamely guzzled from. Celebrity Awards were given to Slim Shady and Hippy (photo of climate change gathering in Observer) and Anthony on behalf of Cockblocker. This Day in History went to Karen (1873 The Kennel Club was founded as registry of purebreds and she has one diminutive one), Witch Doctor (1940 Germany invades Norway), Weathercock (1991 rare tropical storm hits Angola, first to be tracked by satellites) and Poumuli and Lewinsky (Tartan Day and Scottish ancestry).

The GM then turned to events on the run, and the Hero Moment Award to Sexpot who had aided Weathercock across the pastures to avoid the last climb, but in the process exposing and averting a near bovine rape by some feisty cattle. Then there was the Hard Case Award to Sassygirl BJ for completing this struggling run. Tallyho butted in and demanded that Godfather get and Unnatural Hazards Award for nearly causing a flash flood on the run, to which he replied that he had to do it at that point so that Sassy wouldn’t have passed out and be in need of a BJ again. As Sassy had her hat on this award was repeated, with assistance from the GM. A Flashback Award was given to Alcatraz for nearly falling again to her peril, while a Balls in the Face Award was given to Kate for comments after the run. The below is totally unrelated, but funny!

The rock walls that we went up were indeed challenging, and much gentlemanly effort was put in to assist the Meres. In particular Hot Flush, assisting Snatched through the medium of a firm grip on her butt, launching her up the rocks to cause yet another soft landing on Godfather, expectantly awaiting.

Turning to other awards, Poumuli was punished for his contribution to road safety by sleeping off the beers that SOTB had fed him while watching rugby at on the rocks. Then the absence of the Hash Mugs had to be dealt with by Transporter’s closest living relative Lewinsky. Finally the state of the floor around the keg warranted a Slippery Award to – Slippery.

Opening up for nominations, Tallyho was appalled that a Hash Mere had turned up and seeing the path of the run had said bugger this and gone to the gym. POD disputed this as a false accusation, but while she had gone to the gym before the run had not participated, thus they were both voted in. Sassy welcomed the challenge of this run, but noted that Hot Flush had not assisted Alcatraz with the same enthusiasm so he got the No Ass Push Award.

Sassy also gave Ozzy an award for risk taking but your Scribe missed the details. Hot Flush had a double award from the rune – for Ozzy for jumping the gate that was actually open and Godfather for his trailblazing. Alcatraz gave Kate the Commitment to Hash Award for saying that hashing was now her number one priority. Tallyho nominated Dave for the Bondage Award for bring back all the ropes, but also for tying them all around himself. 

Weathercock, now getting his second wind, congratulated Slim Shady for her paddling on the weekend, going the whole distance without vomiting, and this No Hurling Award was repeated by way of her sunglasses. Sexpot informed the Hash that North Korea had declared war on South Korea, and demanded to know if there were any other places that were led by a mad despot who likes Gangnam Style – SOTB.

Weathercock was in fine form as he recounted the highlights of Tallyho’s sojourn in the Philippines, likening his now more relaxed demeanour to the effects of post-coital wines, Godfather stepped in to demand to know what side Tallyho bats for as he had been most observant in viewing the flash flooding equipment. This was in the end doubled as being in breach of rule number 3, no poofters on the Hash.

Sassy gave Witch Doctor the Lara Croft Tomb Raider Award for her get up on the run. Imelda da Welda was given a Latecummer Award, double for smoking, quickly followed by a New Shoes Award which Ozzy helped her complete. Sexpot demanded a Baby Teasing Award for Slim Shady for shoving her boobs in the Baby’s face. He also dobbed in Poumuli for a Beer Stealing Award at the beach on the weekend.

Final award went to Poumuli for nearly causing Karen to die laughing with his “not now” response to the “shit a brick” curse.

Tallyho then brought out the Hash Shrine, to which he added a plate and a fruit found on the trail. He also had found the pebble that Lewinsky had pushed Poumuli over, so the Hash Shriner Award went to Lewinsky.

The Hosts and the Hare, Poumuli, Wahoo and Witch Doctor were saluted and we then devoured the food lovingly prepared.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1669 - POD, Lewinsky, Baby Summer & Megan

Good morning all,

Sorry for the late posting. Tonight's run will be down at Taumeasina at POD and Lewinky's place out on the water. The hosts have offered to put on the spread, so all you will need to do is bring your hash cash, running gear and a change of clothes if you want to jump in for a swim after the run.

Run will start at 5:30pm as it is getting dark much earlier now.

We will have our softies and nectar of life as usual there tonight.

On On

Hash Run 1668

Afternoon Hashers
As announced at the Easter Hash, Wahoo and I will be hosting the Hash from our house on Upper Lamosa Road. As the upper road is a bit manky, we suggest that as you drive up Cross Island Road from town, you take the first turn where there is a sign for Lamosa Road. Take this lower part of Lamosa Road all the way to the end where it will turn up to the left. As you come around the bend our house is in the first compound on the left. Feel free to park on Dawn Raid.

Map is posted below for those who don't know where Lamosa Road is on the Cross Island Road.

We will cater the food for the event so just bring your $15 and we will have the nectar on tap. Run starts at 1730 Hrs as normal as we will be back to normal daylight hours and not this current non-sense.

ON ON

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1667

While most of the lazier Hashers were looking for the Easter Bunny, a large group of us took off for Manono and the fales of Enforcer and Naval Base. We spent the first night just hanging out, swimming, eating and drinking from the multiple kegs that had been brought over and a good time was had by all.

Saturday started off with a sumptuous breakfast, followed by naps, swims, fishing expeditions and general preparations for the run. The GM called us to order and informed that since the island was in mourning for the loss of their Pastor we should desist from on-on’ing. Off-off’ing in other words. We couldn’t get lost anyway. So off we trotted, Poumuli and Cockblocker leading the way. The path was rocky and very uneven in places, a real ankle twister, so Poumuli slowed to let others past, having learned that hard rocks and shoulders don’t mix. At this point in time it was becoming quite apparent that running in the Samoan heat with little breeze at 3 PM is an exceedingly dumb idea. Two Hash Halts were called to let the stragglers catch up to the front, but it quickly deteriorated into those who could not tackle it and those who were born on the sun. While the views around the island, the nature, flowers and lovely people would have been wonderful, the stinging sweat was blinding most of us to any such delights. When finally we arrived back at the fales it was wondrous to sup on Manono’s sweet nuts and lumber out into the cooling ocean. Your Scribe will walk the whole way next time, not run.

As the beer was again flowing the GM decided to call the circle in before dinner. There were a few newcomers to Apia Hash – Lave (brought by Transporter), Kate, Russell, Jordan, Rory and Imelda, and all got a down-down. Transporter joined in shortly for advertising. The rethreads were Poumuli, Rachael and Jesse.

Lewinsky was called in as Shoe Inspector and he had had his eyes open and not on the keg, as he had spotted Jordan’s new Nikes. In a show of rare comradeship the Shoe Award was taken by Anthony. Celebrity Awards went to Irini (being in the paper), Lewinsky (Samoa signs with Clinton Initiative) and Dawn Raid (for being the only Hasher who laughed at the mention of the European Investment Bank Director’s name).

This Day in History Awards went to Dawn Raid (845 – Paris is sacked by Viking raiders, who demand and get a ransom in order to leave, then don’t, which is what Dawn Raid does), Nicola (1982 – Argentina invades Falklands) and Lewinsky (closest living relative for St Francis Day).

The GM then launched into his, this time around, particularly vindictive awards. First off there was the special mention of the mechanic whose own car broke down. Shitty Mechanic Award to Transporter. Then there was a Parents of the Week Award, for the couple who left their children in the care of the perhaps not most reliable sitter. Photographic evidence of Lewinsky’s babysitting methods was then shown, basically Lewinsky draped asleep over a chair with a beer. Ally and Darren were joined by Lewinsky while Darren had to re-do the award for wearing his sunnies.

An Over-Athleticism Award went to Alcatraz for swimming all the way across from Upolu (should have been a living-up-to-Hash-name – she was escaping!). An Over-Abusive Wife Award went to Wahoo, while the Meres who turned up with floor mats were also rewarded – Alex, Meagan and Riza.

At the end of the run Godfather had been greeted back into the fale by Irini, and Godfather promptly arranged a “soft landing” for himself, hence an Old Man Privileges Award. Prick of the Week Award went to Poumuli, wrongly maligned and accused of not helping set up the keg.

Opening up for nominations, Wahoo was quick off the mark to give Poumuli an Ungrateful Award for not eating the plate she made for him in his drunken stupor the night before. As pointing out that eating anything prepared by Wahoo is dangerous to the health (recall what she did to our poor dog!) was pointless, Poumuli accepted.

Sassygirl BJ nominated Witch Doctor for Bitch of the Week, for some complicated booking arrangements for the guests and kids, and had Dawn Raid join her for being the sender of texts on the above. Lewinsky wanted another Parent of the Week Award to Nicola for dropping her child in the sand pit. A Living-Up-To-Hashname Award was offered by Poumuli to CB who had stood in his way for several minutes blocking the loo door. Sassy came back in with a Dedication to Hash Award for the day-tripping Transporter, Lave, Jesse and Prince.

Having recovered from his early bout of awards, Lewinsky suddenly remembered an exceptional act of terrible violence against children. Darren had pushed his daughter down the steps of the fale! But what was really surprising was her just brushing it off, so maybe he makes it a habit? Anyway he took the Abused Child Award.

Apparently one nutty Hasher had covered the entire bed with Pringles, thus an Unauthorized Use of Comestibles Award went to Anthony. Sassy nominated the GM, CB, Alcatraz and Rachael for the Not Respecting Customs Award for having been disrespectful in some way to the village.

A Delusion Award was offered up by Poumuli to Dawn Raid, as he had claimed to have lost his sun glasses to a thieving spider crab. But he was himself in the circle straight after for a Perving Award, as apparently in said stupor the night before he had fastened his eyes on Irini while she was shaking her booty (it’s a miracle Wahoo allowed me to survive the night).

Alcatraz felt she had been ill-served by an incompetent beer pourer, thus Russell entered the circle for his Mere Abuse Award. On the same note of incompetence, a Mother of the Weekend Award went to Ally – the child drops the spoon on the floor FOUR times and is given it back to use each time.

Titty Galore received a Samoan Haggler Award for not accepting the ferry fare rate, while POD nominated Irini for a Blonde Moment Award – this related to an email about netball pools, to which she responded that she and chlorine were not friends. One of our other blonds, CB, had been having trouble explaining the Perimeter Relay to Ally, but it was such a dumb explanation that a vote was taken for both, which was double for cap-wearing.

Sassy nominated Rory for starting on the keg early, a Luck of the Irish Award, while the GM nominated POD for a further Babysitter Award. Lewinsky was allowed to step in to award the Angry Chicken, for which an explanation involving Taranaki and Hamilton was given in such a dense and convoluted manner it is not possible to record, but Darren holds the Angry Chicken til next week.

Jesse nominated Prince and Transporter for not explaining the rules of Hash, while Sassy gave a Distinguished Service Award to Naval Base and Enforcer, the latter done in bourbon! Transporter’s new partnership was celebrated by all three – Transporter, Lewinsky and Jesse, but it was unclear what they were partnering about.

Continuing the perving thread, Irini nominated Darren for not teaching good habits to the child, who was observed chewing on the boobs rather than cupping them fondly and sucking on them. When he responded “that’s my boy” it was decided, but he was joined by Anthony for not doing HIS job properly.

Sassy nominate Steve for coming from so far away before we saluted the Hosts. Before we attacked the delicious feast, Godfather made a speech about the importance of Easter and the significance of the greatest sacrifice ever made.

Next week’s Hash will be hosted by Wahoo and Poumuli at their house on Lamosa Road, Tiapapata.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit