Greetings all Hashers as you were most warmly welcomed to the Lewinsky Abode on that drizzly day. The rain had been with us for a while and we all thought that this would be a cool run, but no. The humidity was around 250% and we now understood why Lewinsky had set the run by chariot aided by the fleet-footed Megan. Setting the pack on the trail, we were informed that it was on paper and that a shorter trail had been set for the walkers. Off we went past the rugby pitch were the action was on full display for the many Hash Meres who called an impromptu appreciation halt. We hit the Apia Park road and continued eastwards with little complication until we got to the old Blue Marlin, where Lewinsky awaited to guide the walkers. Tallyho, Cockblocker and several others had run ahead on the longer trail which took them to the Fagalii area. Your Scribe set out to follow them but declared defeat after 1/2 mile and took to the short. This led inland from Blue Marlin, through the various backroads in Vaivase and into the Faatoia roads that lead to the mangroves and water pipe area, leading to the bridge. Instead we headed towards the back of Apia Park, to the 4 corners at UNDP and on home. So the run was basically all road, we were hot and sweaty and the coconuts tasted sweet.
SOTB called the circle to some sort of order, but the acoustics of Lewinsky’s deck were not conducive. New to Apia Hash were Cindy from NZ brought by Nicola, Greg and Shelly brought by Desperate Housewife and Sexpot, and Monty brought by someone called Spam. They were all given a down-down and the mistaken identity Transporter joined them. Rethreads were Crash Bandicoot, Snake, Strangled, Xavier and Tupou.
Ozzie Osbourne was instantaneous on the floor for the shoe inspection, having spotted the GM’s bright blue new ones, and the GM performed the act in a heinously disgusting manner. Celebrity Awards went to Lezzie (in the Observer, taken by closest living relative Transporter), and Hot Flush for apparently being a requirement on the Korean peninsula.
This Day in History Awards went to Witch Doctor (1775 – last execution for witchcraft in Germany), Weathercock (1955 opening of first McDonalds), Lewinsky (1999 Clinton cited for contempt of court for giving intentionally false statements), Ozzie Osbourne (2011 documentary God Bless Ozzie Osbourne released), Karen (2010 Black Eyed Peas hit – she had one) and Imelda (2013 Tropical Storm Imelda batters Mauritius).
The GM had been expecting your Scribe to give out another History Award to Lewinsky, but as was pointed out in the circle the picture below is a hoax, as she was born on 23 July 1973 (a day we will celebrate of course in the usual manner), so the perpetrators Strangler and Hot Flush took the Caught in Fabrication Award.
Turning to the run, the GM had been fondled by a passing Mere. While we all felt that he should be grateful for small mercies, Nicola took the Asexual Harassment Award. Godfather got the Battlehorse Award for taking the long route. A hasher had pulled in to work, off his face to the point of referring to boats as little duckies, thus Employee of the Week Award to Darren.
Tallyho, as is his wont, decided to assist the GM by calling out Lewinsky for setting the run by chariot, and not only that, had made Megan do most of the legwork, so a Breaking Rule 4 Award to the two of them. With his deepest and most insincere gratitude the GM thanked Tallyho by giving him the Iron Lady Award in recognition of her passing. Tallyho’s eulogy was drowned out by rust in peace. As he was wearing a headlamp this was doubled.
Opening up for nominations, Karaoke was annoyed that Lewinsky had made her miss the run by asking her to cook the pig for the Hash, but as it transpired this was the hairiest and ugliest pig ever. The GM opined that it must have been cheap as well, so the Cheap Hairy Ugly Pig Award went to Karaoke while she fulminated on the injustices of the world. Thinking he could try and implicate Lewinsky, Eveready opined that they had needed to do a Brazilian wax on the pig, but was therefore rewarded with the Having Knowledge of How to Brazilian Wax a Pig Award.
During this extraordinary discussion Tallyho had been blowing on his whistle, and Sassygirl BJ had been told by her neighbouring Mere that he could blow that on her tits anytime. In her defence Slim Shady claimed that Sassy was deaf, but took the No Visuals Please Award. The GM spotted a leaner who was invited to join his inviter Transporter in taking the award.
Ozzie thought the run had been great, running the long route with the fitter guys only to be tapped on the butt by CB as he passed him. To his shock and horror he realized that CB’s hands were up in the air, thus a Look No Hands Sexual Assault Award went to CB, although it could be construed as living up to his hash name.
Sassy was most irate that she had not been invited to a Hash Birthday last week, but had been informed belatedly by the GM. Lewinsky claimed that it was an informal gathering and he had asked some ants to pass the word, which then settled the matter and he and the GM got the Ageist Award. On a roll Sassy had been on Facebook only to discover a Mere looking for her husband when he should have arrived already at the airport – Nudge Nudge Say No More Award to Prince.
Do Me Twice got the Latecummer Award, while Sassy nominated Shelly and Karaoke for the Overdressed for Hash Award. Towards the end of the run, Poumuli had been passed by another Hasher, but turning the corner at Taumeasina he then spotted said Hasher walking, but upon hearing Poumuli’s steps he quickly picked up his pace and nearly trotted in to the On Home. For Unseemly Sportsmanship Award to Prince – we are not a sporting club!
Transporter had been amongst the last to return from the run with Anthony, who complained that he hadn’t brought his wallet to pay for a taxi to get him through the last miles. Confirmed by legal scholar Tallyho, Conspiring to Consider Chariot Riding is an offence and must be duly awarded.
Moving on to completely different matters, Slim Shady had been enthralled to learn of the new lifestyle that Snake has adopted in NZ, especially his description of how to milk cows. Suffice to say this warranted a Tickler Award. Lewinsky gave Megan the Excessive Pollution Award for dropping huge chunks of paper in the middle of villages on the run.
Weathercock had by now got his defences sorted out, and misquoting Churchill in retaliation for the McDonalds jibe, called the GM ugly, but he could lose the weight, and demanded a down down for all the Hashers he had bested in the Rotary quiz – Hot Flush, Witch Doctor, Imelda, Slippery, Slim Shady and the GM.
Tallyho was absolutely gobsmacked at what he considered the most successful dob in Hash History, and gave a congratulatory History Award to Weathercock. Poumuli had intended to give him some crap because of the crap weather, but instead requested that Lowrider take the No Rain on Hash Award for not preventing the awful running conditions. This prompted the befuddled memory of Hot Flush to recall that while at On the Rocks he had been mistaken for the husband of a Mere, thus a Mistaken Identity Award to Wahoo.
To the usual fanfare Tallyho brought forth the Hash Shrine, and complained that the run had been so long and boring that he hadn’t been able to find anything to put in it. But a Mere had desecrated the shrine by dropping an empty Coke can into it. Ring Ring got the Desecration Award, but was joined by Tallyho for an Inconsequential Non Sequitur Award – if the run was that long surely something of interest could have been found.
Darren decided to award the Chicken Angry Bird Hat to Weathercock for his comment to the GM, and was joined by Darren and Ally for actually washing the hat finally. Unfortunately we will be missing Weathercock for some weeks, but the Bird will return.
Sassy had been running with one of the Hashers who had recounted being in Savaii by himself and being propositioned repeatedly by buxoms, yet had resisted – Celibate as a Pope Award to Snake. After a special down down for Chef Jesse and support crew Lowrider, Poumuli made a half-arsed attempt that ended in ignomy.
A Phonus Interruptus Award went to Ally, Darren and Crash, followed by the salute to the Hosts and Hares, before a most delicious meal was served up for the by now hungry and sozzled.
Next week’s run will be in Vaitele with Transporter and catering by Jesse. Details will be posted by the GM, but be on the lookout for derelict ambulances. Desperate Housewife will stand in as Scribe.
Poumuli, IKA Slit