Thursday, April 04, 2013

Hash Trash 1667

While most of the lazier Hashers were looking for the Easter Bunny, a large group of us took off for Manono and the fales of Enforcer and Naval Base. We spent the first night just hanging out, swimming, eating and drinking from the multiple kegs that had been brought over and a good time was had by all.

Saturday started off with a sumptuous breakfast, followed by naps, swims, fishing expeditions and general preparations for the run. The GM called us to order and informed that since the island was in mourning for the loss of their Pastor we should desist from on-on’ing. Off-off’ing in other words. We couldn’t get lost anyway. So off we trotted, Poumuli and Cockblocker leading the way. The path was rocky and very uneven in places, a real ankle twister, so Poumuli slowed to let others past, having learned that hard rocks and shoulders don’t mix. At this point in time it was becoming quite apparent that running in the Samoan heat with little breeze at 3 PM is an exceedingly dumb idea. Two Hash Halts were called to let the stragglers catch up to the front, but it quickly deteriorated into those who could not tackle it and those who were born on the sun. While the views around the island, the nature, flowers and lovely people would have been wonderful, the stinging sweat was blinding most of us to any such delights. When finally we arrived back at the fales it was wondrous to sup on Manono’s sweet nuts and lumber out into the cooling ocean. Your Scribe will walk the whole way next time, not run.

As the beer was again flowing the GM decided to call the circle in before dinner. There were a few newcomers to Apia Hash – Lave (brought by Transporter), Kate, Russell, Jordan, Rory and Imelda, and all got a down-down. Transporter joined in shortly for advertising. The rethreads were Poumuli, Rachael and Jesse.

Lewinsky was called in as Shoe Inspector and he had had his eyes open and not on the keg, as he had spotted Jordan’s new Nikes. In a show of rare comradeship the Shoe Award was taken by Anthony. Celebrity Awards went to Irini (being in the paper), Lewinsky (Samoa signs with Clinton Initiative) and Dawn Raid (for being the only Hasher who laughed at the mention of the European Investment Bank Director’s name).

This Day in History Awards went to Dawn Raid (845 – Paris is sacked by Viking raiders, who demand and get a ransom in order to leave, then don’t, which is what Dawn Raid does), Nicola (1982 – Argentina invades Falklands) and Lewinsky (closest living relative for St Francis Day).

The GM then launched into his, this time around, particularly vindictive awards. First off there was the special mention of the mechanic whose own car broke down. Shitty Mechanic Award to Transporter. Then there was a Parents of the Week Award, for the couple who left their children in the care of the perhaps not most reliable sitter. Photographic evidence of Lewinsky’s babysitting methods was then shown, basically Lewinsky draped asleep over a chair with a beer. Ally and Darren were joined by Lewinsky while Darren had to re-do the award for wearing his sunnies.

An Over-Athleticism Award went to Alcatraz for swimming all the way across from Upolu (should have been a living-up-to-Hash-name – she was escaping!). An Over-Abusive Wife Award went to Wahoo, while the Meres who turned up with floor mats were also rewarded – Alex, Meagan and Riza.
At the end of the run Godfather had been greeted back into the fale by Irini, and Godfather promptly arranged a “soft landing” for himself, hence an Old Man Privileges Award. Prick of the Week Award went to Poumuli, wrongly maligned and accused of not helping set up the keg.

Opening up for nominations, Wahoo was quick off the mark to give Poumuli an Ungrateful Award for not eating the plate she made for him in his drunken stupor the night before. As pointing out that eating anything prepared by Wahoo is dangerous to the health (recall what she did to our poor dog!) was pointless, Poumuli accepted.

Sassygirl BJ nominated Witch Doctor for Bitch of the Week, for some complicated booking arrangements for the guests and kids, and had Dawn Raid join her for being the sender of texts on the above. Lewinsky wanted another Parent of the Week Award to Nicola for dropping her child in the sand pit. A Living-Up-To-Hashname Award was offered by Poumuli to CB who had stood in his way for several minutes blocking the loo door. Sassy came back in with a Dedication to Hash Award for the day-tripping Transporter, Lave, Jesse and Prince.

Having recovered from his early bout of awards, Lewinsky suddenly remembered an exceptional act of terrible violence against children. Darren had pushed his daughter down the steps of the fale! But what was really surprising was her just brushing it off, so maybe he makes it a habit? Anyway he took the Abused Child Award.

Apparently one nutty Hasher had covered the entire bed with Pringles, thus an Unauthorized Use of Comestibles Award went to Anthony. Sassy nominated the GM, CB, Alcatraz and Rachael for the Not Respecting Customs Award for having been disrespectful in some way to the village.
A Delusion Award was offered up by Poumuli to Dawn Raid, as he had claimed to have lost his sun glasses to a thieving spider crab. But he was himself in the circle straight after for a Perving Award, as apparently in said stupor the night before he had fastened his eyes on Irini while she was shaking her booty (it’s a miracle Wahoo allowed me to survive the night).

Alcatraz felt she had been ill-served by an incompetent beer pourer, thus Russell entered the circle for his Mere Abuse Award. On the same note of incompetence, a Mother of the Weekend Award went to Ally – the child drops the spoon on the floor FOUR times and is given it back to use each time.
Titty Galore received a Samoan Haggler Award for not accepting the ferry fare rate, while POD nominated Irini for a Blonde Moment Award – this related to an email about netball pools, to which she responded that she and chlorine were not friends. One of our other blonds, CB, had been having trouble explaining the Perimeter Relay to Ally, but it was such a dumb explanation that a vote was taken for both, which was double for cap-wearing.

Sassy nominated Rory for starting on the keg early, a Luck of the Irish Award, while the GM nominated POD for a further Babysitter Award. Lewinsky was allowed to step in to award the Angry Chicken, for which an explanation involving Taranaki and Hamilton was given in such a dense and convoluted manner it is not possible to record, but Darren holds the Angry Chicken til next week.
Jesse nominated Prince and Transporter for not explaining the rules of Hash, while Sassy gave a Distinguished Service Award to Naval Base and Enforcer, the latter done in bourbon! Transporter’s new partnership was celebrated by all three – Transporter, Lewinsky and Jesse, but it was unclear what they were partnering about.

Continuing the perving thread, Irini nominated Darren for not teaching good habits to the child, who was observed chewing on the boobs rather than cupping them fondly and sucking on them. When he responded “that’s my boy” it was decided, but he was joined by Anthony for not doing HIS job properly.

Sassy nominate Steve for coming from so far away before we saluted the Hosts. Before we attacked the delicious feast, Godfather made a speech about the importance of Easter and the significance of the greatest sacrifice ever made.

Next week’s Hash will be hosted by Wahoo and Poumuli at their house on Lamosa Road, Tiapapata.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

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