While most of the lazier Hashers were looking for the Easter
Bunny, a large group of us took off for Manono and the fales of Enforcer and
Naval Base. We spent the first night just hanging out, swimming, eating and
drinking from the multiple kegs that had been brought over and a good time was
had by all.
Saturday started off with a sumptuous breakfast, followed by
naps, swims, fishing expeditions and general preparations for the run. The GM
called us to order and informed that since the island was in mourning for the
loss of their Pastor we should desist from on-on’ing. Off-off’ing in other
words. We couldn’t get lost anyway. So off we trotted, Poumuli and Cockblocker
leading the way. The path was rocky and very uneven in places, a real ankle
twister, so Poumuli slowed to let others past, having learned that hard rocks
and shoulders don’t mix. At this point in time it was becoming quite apparent
that running in the Samoan heat with little breeze at 3 PM is an exceedingly
dumb idea. Two Hash Halts were called to let the stragglers catch up to the
front, but it quickly deteriorated into those who could not tackle it and those
who were born on the sun. While the views around the island, the nature,
flowers and lovely people would have been wonderful, the stinging sweat was
blinding most of us to any such delights. When finally we arrived back at the
fales it was wondrous to sup on Manono’s sweet nuts and lumber out into the
cooling ocean. Your Scribe will walk the whole way next time, not run.
As the beer was again flowing the GM decided to call the
circle in before dinner. There were a few newcomers to Apia Hash – Lave (brought
by Transporter), Kate, Russell, Jordan, Rory and Imelda, and all got a
down-down. Transporter joined in shortly for advertising. The rethreads were
Poumuli, Rachael and Jesse.
Lewinsky was called in as Shoe Inspector and he had had his
eyes open and not on the keg, as he had spotted Jordan’s new Nikes. In a show
of rare comradeship the Shoe Award was taken by Anthony. Celebrity Awards went
to Irini (being in the paper), Lewinsky (Samoa signs with Clinton Initiative)
and Dawn Raid (for being the only Hasher who laughed at the mention of the
European Investment Bank Director’s name).
This Day in History Awards went to Dawn Raid (845 – Paris is
sacked by Viking raiders, who demand and get a ransom in order to leave, then don’t,
which is what Dawn Raid does), Nicola (1982 – Argentina invades Falklands) and
Lewinsky (closest living relative for St Francis Day).
The GM then launched into his, this time around,
particularly vindictive awards. First off there was the special mention of the
mechanic whose own car broke down. Shitty Mechanic Award to Transporter. Then
there was a Parents of the Week Award, for the couple who left their children
in the care of the perhaps not most reliable sitter. Photographic evidence of
Lewinsky’s babysitting methods was then shown, basically Lewinsky draped asleep
over a chair with a beer. Ally and Darren were joined by Lewinsky while Darren
had to re-do the award for wearing his sunnies.
An Over-Athleticism Award went to Alcatraz for swimming all
the way across from Upolu (should have been a living-up-to-Hash-name – she was
escaping!). An Over-Abusive Wife Award went to Wahoo, while the Meres who
turned up with floor mats were also rewarded – Alex, Meagan and Riza.
At the end of the run Godfather had been greeted back into
the fale by Irini, and Godfather promptly arranged a “soft landing” for
himself, hence an Old Man Privileges Award. Prick of the Week Award went to
Poumuli, wrongly maligned and accused of not helping set up the keg.
Opening up for nominations, Wahoo was quick off the mark to
give Poumuli an Ungrateful Award for not eating the plate she made for him in
his drunken stupor the night before. As pointing out that eating anything
prepared by Wahoo is dangerous to the health (recall what she did to our poor
dog!) was pointless, Poumuli accepted.
Sassygirl BJ nominated Witch Doctor for Bitch of the Week,
for some complicated booking arrangements for the guests and kids, and had Dawn
Raid join her for being the sender of texts on the above. Lewinsky wanted
another Parent of the Week Award to Nicola for dropping her child in the sand
pit. A Living-Up-To-Hashname Award was offered by Poumuli to CB who had stood
in his way for several minutes blocking the loo door. Sassy came back in with a
Dedication to Hash Award for the day-tripping Transporter, Lave, Jesse and
Prince.
Having recovered from his early bout of awards, Lewinsky
suddenly remembered an exceptional act of terrible violence against children.
Darren had pushed his daughter down the steps of the fale! But what was really
surprising was her just brushing it off, so maybe he makes it a habit? Anyway
he took the Abused Child Award.
Apparently one nutty Hasher had covered the entire bed with
Pringles, thus an Unauthorized Use of Comestibles Award went to Anthony. Sassy
nominated the GM, CB, Alcatraz and Rachael for the Not Respecting Customs Award
for having been disrespectful in some way to the village.
A Delusion Award was offered up by Poumuli to Dawn Raid, as
he had claimed to have lost his sun glasses to a thieving spider crab. But he
was himself in the circle straight after for a Perving Award, as apparently in
said stupor the night before he had fastened his eyes on Irini while she was
shaking her booty (it’s a miracle Wahoo allowed me to survive the night).
Alcatraz felt she had been ill-served by an incompetent beer
pourer, thus Russell entered the circle for his Mere Abuse Award. On the same
note of incompetence, a Mother of the Weekend Award went to Ally – the child
drops the spoon on the floor FOUR times and is given it back to use each time.
Titty Galore received a Samoan Haggler Award for not
accepting the ferry fare rate, while POD nominated Irini for a Blonde Moment
Award – this related to an email about netball pools, to which she responded
that she and chlorine were not friends. One of our other blonds, CB, had been
having trouble explaining the Perimeter Relay to Ally, but it was such a dumb explanation
that a vote was taken for both, which was double for cap-wearing.
Sassy nominated Rory for starting on the keg early, a Luck
of the Irish Award, while the GM nominated POD for a further Babysitter Award.
Lewinsky was allowed to step in to award the Angry Chicken, for which an
explanation involving Taranaki and Hamilton was given in such a dense and
convoluted manner it is not possible to record, but Darren holds the Angry
Chicken til next week.
Jesse nominated Prince and Transporter for not explaining
the rules of Hash, while Sassy gave a Distinguished Service Award to Naval Base
and Enforcer, the latter done in bourbon! Transporter’s new partnership was
celebrated by all three – Transporter, Lewinsky and Jesse, but it was unclear
what they were partnering about.
Continuing the perving thread, Irini nominated Darren for
not teaching good habits to the child, who was observed chewing on the boobs
rather than cupping them fondly and sucking on them. When he responded “that’s
my boy” it was decided, but he was joined by Anthony for not doing HIS job
properly.
Sassy nominate Steve for coming from so far away before we
saluted the Hosts. Before we attacked the delicious feast, Godfather made a speech
about the importance of Easter and the significance of the greatest sacrifice
ever made.
Next week’s Hash will be hosted by Wahoo and Poumuli at their
house on Lamosa Road, Tiapapata.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit
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