Once upon a time, on an island far far away, there was a
clan of madmen and madmeres known as the Apia Hash. They were renowned nowhere
as great athletes and sportsmen, and for generally making a complete mess of
anything they touched, except for their prized possession – the keg of golden
nectar. They would gather every week to practice at being runners but also to
give thanks and praises to the flowing Vaillima and its many accordant virtues
including massive expurgitation. And so it was that on a fine Monday the Hash
ascended the winding hills through Vailima, Vaoala and reached the little
hamlet of Tiapapata, the home of Poumuli, a fine gentle noble of Viking descent,
and his dear wife Wahoo, made of feistier Samoan stock. The hashers came from
near and far, having great expectations for the feast to come, and caring nay
for the punishment that was to be borne upon them. Little thought had been
spared at the fact that the run had been set by that medical wiccan Witch
Doctor. With her tangled hair and mud splattered boots she presented a fearsome
visage on the best of days, but the combination of said with the rancid sweat
of setting the trail, as well as the warnings about rope should have made most
sane runners quibble and turn. Not so, said Tallyho and tallied ho, followed by
an assortment of fit and not so. The trail had been cunningly set using
shredded paper the texture of shredded paper, and down Lamosa Road we followed.
A sharp turn under the leaves of an ancient young tree took the pack into a
somewhat dry riverbed. At once the pace ground to a walking halt as the rocks
and crannies rose up to twist at unsuspecting ankles. The pack soon ran into
the first of many obstacles conjured up by some demon dwarf geologist, and this
slowed the pack further. The mighty Godfather – spurning the assistance of the
rope – scrabbled up the slope like a Sagittarius and hewed a path for all to
follow. The next obstacle was equally daunting, and Karen nearly lost her
footing and slide into the abyss. Cursing vehemently in the antipodeans manner,
she called on the deities to shit a brick. When she heard a small voice
pleading not now, she nearly lost her footing again. There were many more hills
to climb until the fata morgana of the Baha’i temple loomed out of the gloom,
at which thankfully it was on home.
Back at the compound sore muscles were stimulated into a
semblance of normality by the flowing keg. SOTB the GM called the circle to
order and those new to Apia Hash were summoned, and that was Deb sister of
Desperate Housewife who got the right answer to who made you come. Since she is
here for holidays she was given a down down to Tallyho’s approving comment that
she was a good swallower. Aolagi, daughter of Pussysnatcher and Snatched was
also introduced, but no one needed a DNA test to prove any ancestry there. The
rethreads were DH, Screamer, Hot Flush, Weathercock, Snatched and Slippery.
Ozzy Osbourne was appointed Shoe Inspector and found
Weathercock’s shiny new kayaks, which he gamely guzzled from. Celebrity Awards
were given to Slim Shady and Hippy (photo of climate change gathering in
Observer) and Anthony on behalf of Cockblocker. This Day in History went to
Karen (1873 The Kennel Club was founded as registry of purebreds and she has
one diminutive one), Witch Doctor (1940 Germany invades Norway), Weathercock
(1991 rare tropical storm hits Angola, first to be tracked by satellites) and
Poumuli and Lewinsky (Tartan Day and Scottish ancestry).
The GM then turned to events on the run, and the Hero Moment
Award to Sexpot who had aided Weathercock across the pastures to avoid the last
climb, but in the process exposing and averting a near bovine rape by some feisty
cattle. Then there was the Hard Case Award to Sassygirl BJ for completing this
struggling run. Tallyho butted in and demanded that Godfather get and Unnatural
Hazards Award for nearly causing a flash flood on the run, to which he replied
that he had to do it at that point so that Sassy wouldn’t have passed out and
be in need of a BJ again. As Sassy had her hat on this award was repeated, with
assistance from the GM. A Flashback Award was given to Alcatraz for nearly
falling again to her peril, while a Balls in the Face Award was given to Kate
for comments after the run. The below is totally unrelated, but funny!
The rock walls that we went up were indeed challenging, and
much gentlemanly effort was put in to assist the Meres. In particular Hot
Flush, assisting Snatched through the medium of a firm grip on her butt,
launching her up the rocks to cause yet another soft landing on Godfather,
expectantly awaiting.
Turning to other awards, Poumuli was punished for his
contribution to road safety by sleeping off the beers that SOTB had fed him
while watching rugby at on the rocks. Then the absence of the Hash Mugs had to
be dealt with by Transporter’s closest living relative Lewinsky. Finally the
state of the floor around the keg warranted a Slippery Award to – Slippery.
Opening up for nominations, Tallyho was appalled that a Hash
Mere had turned up and seeing the path of the run had said bugger this and gone
to the gym. POD disputed this as a false accusation, but while she had gone to
the gym before the run had not participated, thus they were both voted in.
Sassy welcomed the challenge of this run, but noted that Hot Flush had not
assisted Alcatraz with the same enthusiasm so he got the No Ass Push Award.
Sassy also gave Ozzy an award for risk taking but your Scribe
missed the details. Hot Flush had a double award from the rune – for Ozzy for
jumping the gate that was actually open and Godfather for his trailblazing.
Alcatraz gave Kate the Commitment to Hash Award for saying that hashing was now
her number one priority. Tallyho nominated Dave for the Bondage Award for bring
back all the ropes, but also for tying them all around himself.
Weathercock, now getting his second wind, congratulated Slim
Shady for her paddling on the weekend, going the whole distance without
vomiting, and this No Hurling Award was repeated by way of her sunglasses.
Sexpot informed the Hash that North Korea had declared war on South Korea, and
demanded to know if there were any other places that were led by a mad despot
who likes Gangnam Style – SOTB.
Weathercock was in fine form as he recounted the highlights
of Tallyho’s sojourn in the Philippines, likening his now more relaxed
demeanour to the effects of post-coital wines, Godfather stepped in to demand
to know what side Tallyho bats for as he had been most observant in viewing the
flash flooding equipment. This was in the end doubled as being in breach of
rule number 3, no poofters on the Hash.
Sassy gave Witch Doctor the Lara Croft Tomb Raider Award for
her get up on the run. Imelda da Welda was given a Latecummer Award, double for
smoking, quickly followed by a New Shoes Award which Ozzy helped her complete.
Sexpot demanded a Baby Teasing Award for Slim Shady for shoving her boobs in
the Baby’s face. He also dobbed in Poumuli for a Beer Stealing Award at the
beach on the weekend.
Final award went to Poumuli for nearly causing Karen to die
laughing with his “not now” response to the “shit a brick” curse.
Tallyho then brought out the Hash Shrine, to which he added
a plate and a fruit found on the trail. He also had found the pebble that
Lewinsky had pushed Poumuli over, so the Hash Shriner Award went to Lewinsky.
The Hosts and the Hare, Poumuli, Wahoo and Witch Doctor were
saluted and we then devoured the food lovingly prepared.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit
No comments:
Post a Comment