Once upon a time, on an island far far away, there was a clan of madmen and madmeres known as the Apia Hash. They were renowned nowhere as great athletes and sportsmen, and for generally making a complete mess of anything they touched, except for their prized possession – the keg of golden nectar. They would gather every week to practice at being runners but also to give thanks and praises to the flowing Vaillima and its many accordant virtues including massive expurgitation. And so it was that on a fine Monday the Hash ascended the winding hills through Vailima, Vaoala and reached the little hamlet of Tiapapata, the home of Poumuli, a fine gentle noble of Viking descent, and his dear wife Wahoo, made of feistier Samoan stock. The hashers came from near and far, having great expectations for the feast to come, and caring nay for the punishment that was to be borne upon them. Little thought had been spared at the fact that the run had been set by that medical wiccan Witch Doctor. With her tangled hair and mud splattered boots she presented a fearsome visage on the best of days, but the combination of said with the rancid sweat of setting the trail, as well as the warnings about rope should have made most sane runners quibble and turn. Not so, said Tallyho and tallied ho, followed by an assortment of fit and not so. The trail had been cunningly set using shredded paper the texture of shredded paper, and down Lamosa Road we followed. A sharp turn under the leaves of an ancient young tree took the pack into a somewhat dry riverbed. At once the pace ground to a walking halt as the rocks and crannies rose up to twist at unsuspecting ankles. The pack soon ran into the first of many obstacles conjured up by some demon dwarf geologist, and this slowed the pack further. The mighty Godfather – spurning the assistance of the rope – scrabbled up the slope like a Sagittarius and hewed a path for all to follow. The next obstacle was equally daunting, and Karen nearly lost her footing and slide into the abyss. Cursing vehemently in the antipodeans manner, she called on the deities to shit a brick. When she heard a small voice pleading not now, she nearly lost her footing again. There were many more hills to climb until the fata morgana of the Baha’i temple loomed out of the gloom, at which thankfully it was on home.
Back at the compound sore muscles were stimulated into a semblance of normality by the flowing keg. SOTB the GM called the circle to order and those new to Apia Hash were summoned, and that was Deb sister of Desperate Housewife who got the right answer to who made you come. Since she is here for holidays she was given a down down to Tallyho’s approving comment that she was a good swallower. Aolagi, daughter of Pussysnatcher and Snatched was also introduced, but no one needed a DNA test to prove any ancestry there. The rethreads were DH, Screamer, Hot Flush, Weathercock, Snatched and Slippery.
Ozzy Osbourne was appointed Shoe Inspector and found Weathercock’s shiny new kayaks, which he gamely guzzled from. Celebrity Awards were given to Slim Shady and Hippy (photo of climate change gathering in Observer) and Anthony on behalf of Cockblocker. This Day in History went to Karen (1873 The Kennel Club was founded as registry of purebreds and she has one diminutive one), Witch Doctor (1940 Germany invades Norway), Weathercock (1991 rare tropical storm hits Angola, first to be tracked by satellites) and Poumuli and Lewinsky (Tartan Day and Scottish ancestry).
The GM then turned to events on the run, and the Hero Moment Award to Sexpot who had aided Weathercock across the pastures to avoid the last climb, but in the process exposing and averting a near bovine rape by some feisty cattle. Then there was the Hard Case Award to Sassygirl BJ for completing this struggling run. Tallyho butted in and demanded that Godfather get and Unnatural Hazards Award for nearly causing a flash flood on the run, to which he replied that he had to do it at that point so that Sassy wouldn’t have passed out and be in need of a BJ again. As Sassy had her hat on this award was repeated, with assistance from the GM. A Flashback Award was given to Alcatraz for nearly falling again to her peril, while a Balls in the Face Award was given to Kate for comments after the run. The below is totally unrelated, but funny!
The rock walls that we went up were indeed challenging, and much gentlemanly effort was put in to assist the Meres. In particular Hot Flush, assisting Snatched through the medium of a firm grip on her butt, launching her up the rocks to cause yet another soft landing on Godfather, expectantly awaiting.
Turning to other awards, Poumuli was punished for his contribution to road safety by sleeping off the beers that SOTB had fed him while watching rugby at on the rocks. Then the absence of the Hash Mugs had to be dealt with by Transporter’s closest living relative Lewinsky. Finally the state of the floor around the keg warranted a Slippery Award to – Slippery.
Opening up for nominations, Tallyho was appalled that a Hash Mere had turned up and seeing the path of the run had said bugger this and gone to the gym. POD disputed this as a false accusation, but while she had gone to the gym before the run had not participated, thus they were both voted in. Sassy welcomed the challenge of this run, but noted that Hot Flush had not assisted Alcatraz with the same enthusiasm so he got the No Ass Push Award.
Sassy also gave Ozzy an award for risk taking but your Scribe missed the details. Hot Flush had a double award from the rune – for Ozzy for jumping the gate that was actually open and Godfather for his trailblazing. Alcatraz gave Kate the Commitment to Hash Award for saying that hashing was now her number one priority. Tallyho nominated Dave for the Bondage Award for bring back all the ropes, but also for tying them all around himself.
Weathercock, now getting his second wind, congratulated Slim Shady for her paddling on the weekend, going the whole distance without vomiting, and this No Hurling Award was repeated by way of her sunglasses. Sexpot informed the Hash that North Korea had declared war on South Korea, and demanded to know if there were any other places that were led by a mad despot who likes Gangnam Style – SOTB.
Weathercock was in fine form as he recounted the highlights of Tallyho’s sojourn in the Philippines, likening his now more relaxed demeanour to the effects of post-coital wines, Godfather stepped in to demand to know what side Tallyho bats for as he had been most observant in viewing the flash flooding equipment. This was in the end doubled as being in breach of rule number 3, no poofters on the Hash.
Sassy gave Witch Doctor the Lara Croft Tomb Raider Award for her get up on the run. Imelda da Welda was given a Latecummer Award, double for smoking, quickly followed by a New Shoes Award which Ozzy helped her complete. Sexpot demanded a Baby Teasing Award for Slim Shady for shoving her boobs in the Baby’s face. He also dobbed in Poumuli for a Beer Stealing Award at the beach on the weekend.
Final award went to Poumuli for nearly causing Karen to die laughing with his “not now” response to the “shit a brick” curse.
Tallyho then brought out the Hash Shrine, to which he added a plate and a fruit found on the trail. He also had found the pebble that Lewinsky had pushed Poumuli over, so the Hash Shriner Award went to Lewinsky.
The Hosts and the Hare, Poumuli, Wahoo and Witch Doctor were saluted and we then devoured the food lovingly prepared.
Poumuli, IKA Slit