HASH TRASH 1680
This week’s Hash was hosted by Darren and Ally at Taumesina. The run was set on flour and featured many falsies. In fact some falsies were so long, a hasher would be running up to a kilometre and then realise they would have to turn back. Some disgruntled hashers managed to catch up to the Hare, Darren, who was also riding a bike and tipped the flour he was using to set the run over him, much to the amusement of those keg minders who were around to see him arrive – looking like a ghost covered in flour. A stint in water was also involved and not lovely flowing water but stagnant swampy water that could’ve easily had dead bodies sunk down in its murky depths. This water also had a putrid stench which soaked into all the Hashmen and meres clothes. Many hashfolk returned saying it was one of the most gruelling hash runs ever and were a bit worried what effect that water was going to have on them had they ingested any of it.
After recovering from the run with Godfather’s sweet nuts and a few Vailimas, the Hash Circle began. Newbies were first to be called up and included the usual group of Med students, they included Katy, Kat, James, Nina, Bex and Adam all from the UK. Two other newcummers were Corey, a Dive Master and Ester, a Diving Instructor both from Dive Savaii. The final new Hashman was Anthony from St Joseph’s who was invited by Dawn Raid.
Retreads were then called up including Irini, Russell, Kate, Wet Pussy, Crash and Delicious. Irini had been on holidays, Russell was doing his uni exams and Kate was being the supportive wife to him. Wet Pussy was working far, far away. Crash said that he hadn’t been for a while as Delicious had locked him up and thrown away the key, and Delicious’s excuse was that she has too much work on.
There was one unfaithful retread who didn’t front up on the first call and that was Sexpot, whose excuse was there weren’t enough Hash Mugs to go round. His reason for not showing up to Hash in a while was that he was overseas.
Snake the Shoe Inspector was called up to inspect all the Hashfolks shoes. Dawn Raid had some new shoes on and so had to take a down down in them, although he took the cheat’s way and had the glass inside the shoe instead of the Vailima directly in his shoe.
This Day In History was then read out and included:
1902 – US Congress passes the Spooner Act – this was award to both Darren and Da Head for spooning together the other night – how romantic!
In 1937 the world’s first emergency number of 999 was introduced in London – Ring Ring.
In 1950 – the US beat England during the 1950 FIFA World Cup – Tallyho
In 1969 – the Stonewall Riots begin in the US marking the start of the Gay Movement – Gayboy who was absent so his closest living relative Transporter, was made to take the down down.
In 1991 – 32 Miners were killed in Ukraine when a coal mine caught fire near Donbass region – Sexpot.
It was also World UFO day so who else could we ask to come up and take a down down but none other than Chewbacca.
Wet Pussy also announced that on the 1st July 2005, Aqua Samoa opened with GM as the first Dive Master – GM
Celebrity award was next on the agenda and it seemed to be a scarce week on the celebrity front with only our Sassygirl called up for a newspaper article which featured herself and the mediation courses she has been conducting.
It was then that when went onto the much anticipated GM Awards. The first was awarded to one elderly Hashman, Godfather, who was very excited to see Soft Landing aka Irini at Hash – when Titty G is away, Godfather will play!!
Another was an award to a Hashman who was at another Hashman’s house to watch the Manu Samoa vs South Africa game. As he was plastered, he passed out on the couch fully clothed only to wake up naked – so Da Head (the naked one) and Darren (the undresser) both took a down down together.
The Thieving Chinaman award was given to Transporter, who at On the Rocks, whilst watching the State of Origin, went to the bathroom and noticed some change on someone else’s table and swiped it – no wonder he goes to church on Sunday!
As the Kiwi’s won the 7’s on the weekend – our Kiwi couple Darren & Ally had to take the down down.
In honour of Canada Day and also the fact that Canada beat Samoa in the 7’s, the GM called out to anyone Canadian to step up and take a celebratory drink – Steve stepped up being half Canadian and took the drink.
The GM then went on to talk about the speed bump upgrades the LTA is currently undertaking finding out that the only reason they are being revamped is so the Head of State’s Limo can get over them. So the closest living relative to the Head of State, Godfather was awarded this honour.
That was the last of the GM’s award and he swiftly went into the next item which was nominations from the floor. Chewbacca was the first to nominate Overstayer who whilst Chewbacca was walking home in the boiling hot sun, Overstayer slowed down and stopped. Chewbacca in the meantime thinking that he saviour had approached and was going to pick him up was dismayed to see her then, upon realising it was Chewbacca, drive off. Nice one overstayer!
Sexpot then mentioned that he had been away for a while and listening about what was happening in the parliament with the parliamentarians all talking about wet pussy, so Wet Pussy was called up.
Sassy nominated Godfather for showering in front of all the Hashmeres in his speedos. Godfather retorted that when you have a Malu you can go naked anywhere – no thanks GF!
Following this same subject of the Samoan Tatau and the Malu, Chewbacca chose to nominate a new Hasher, Andy who was very interested and wanted to know if they also tattoo the genitals. Godfather did offer Andy a look, which he quickly refused.
Desperate Housewife nominated husband Sexpot for getting lipstick on his collar when he was back in Australia and not only that but Sexpot saying he thought it was on a different shirt. Does that mean there was more than one?
Lewinsky nominated Josh and Overstayer for attempting a threesome with him at Coffee Bean Headquarters – not sure what that’s about? Tallyho then started having a go at Lewinsky for spying on people and said he was worse than the Americans. The Jealousy Award then went to Tallyho for wishing it was he who was in the threesome.
Dawn Raid nominated Lewinsky due to his kids barging in on him when he was using the toilet. Tallyho asked Dawn Raid why he didn’t use the Hash toilet (a coconut tree or similar), when Sassy piped up saying that Dawn Raid was being civilised for once.
It was at this moment that the Hash Monk came in. She had just got back from England, visiting the Queen, watching Wimbledon and having a few cucumber sandwiches when she was summoned back to Samoa to name a few Hashers.
The first Hashman to be named was Josh. He is a big technohead who particularly likes Apple products, so the Hashmonk named him Granny Smith.
The next to be named was Shelley. The Hashmonk heard on the grapevine that Shelley gets herself accidentally locked in at some establishments including her own home, so she was therefore named Houdini.
The next was Dave the lifesaver, who even though he rescues damsels in distress, when it comes to exercise, he’s soft. So instead of being named the Hoff, the Monk decided to call him Pamela Anderson.
The Hashmonk then mentioned while riding on her broom, it collapsed over Canberra – they told her to check out this guy Robin who tweets like a bird, a blonde guy who is as exciting as a toothpick – she hereby named him K-Rudd.
Then Crash and Delicious’s baby Francis Jnr was to be called up. Crash accepted the Christening on behalf of baby Francis, who probably wouldn’t have appreciated the tomato sauce, flour, vailima and salad dressing on his head, eyes, ears etc. The Monk christened Francis Jnr as Pinto because of Crash’s love of cars.
The next young Hashmere to be named was baby Summer. She was a result of a Hash union between POD and Lewinsky. This time POD took the Christening on behalf of Summer. As their previous children are named Happy Feet & Happy Face, the monk called Summer Happy Daze (as poor POD was always in a daze from lack of sleep!).
The hostess with the mostest, Ally was called up to get her name (very trusting of the Monk considering she was still hosting her first hash that night, and we weren’t sure if there was going to be arsenic in our food). The Hashmonk named her Blowfish after her husband Darren (the fishmonger) was trying to convince her to give him a blowjob at the bar at On the Rocks (it seems as though a lot of drunken debauchery occurs at this establishment!).
Darren was then called up to be given his name. The monk named him Roofie, after the date rape drug that he used on Da Head to get him naked that night at his place.
This concluded the naming and the Hashmonk had her exit down down and disappeared into the night.
It was then that the nominations from the floor resumed. Firstly two Hash birthdays were announced. The first was on the radio that morning and was for Pamela Anderson, so the newly named Pamela Anderson took his down down to celebrate Pammy’s birthday. It was also Crime’s birthday that same day so he had it with Pamela.
Transporter gave the Chariot rider award to Dog Food, Kibble and Crime for hitching a ride on a maroon station wagon.
Another chariot rider award went to Snake who was offering to give rides to people.
A big moment in Aussie politics this week was recognised and this was the change of leader from Julia Gillard to Kevin Rudd, so the newly named K-Rudd took his down down.
Everyready nominated his kids, Crash and Delicious for the Parents of the Week award for when he was looking after Devine, she wanted a fishing rod, and one was too big, the other too small so when he asked her to show him what size, she stuck her middle finger up and said “This size!”.
Another Good Parenting – Not! Award went to Jacob for saying “Dickhead” to somebody. He had to scull a Coke for bad language as both parents said that did not teach him such words – he must have picked it up somewhere – mmmm any ideas Sassy?
Tallyho nominated Roofie for setting the hash run and making the Hashmen and meres go into that stagnant water and some accidentally swallowing it. He suggested a shot of gin to clear the guts or else some of the sexy med students to look after him.
Godfather then announced that he was touched that one of the Hashmen, Worthless presented him with a t-shirt from the 600 run set by Kiwi and Godfather at Lufi Lufi – the Godfather had lost his in the 2009 tsunami – so Worthless and Godfather drank together.
GM asked Godfather for his running shorts back from last week’s Hash – however they were wet – and we don’t want to know why Godfather!!
Worthless was then called up as it was his last run in Samoa so he had a triple down down.
Then the Hare and the Host were called up – Roofie and the Blowfish (sounds like a band name!) They had their drink and the Hash Circle was called to an end.
Next week’s hash is still open, check the website for any updates.