Hash Trash 1684

The Hash was hosted by Nicola at the Lewinsky ghetto in Taumeasina, and the useless bugger bug had set in, preventing anyone from setting a trail. Thus Tallyho was hauled forth from the cobwebs to be a live hare. This time rule 24 (regarding de-bagging the Hare) was not in effect, not that anyone would have caught him if it were! Eschatological torments beyond the power of Tertullian's devising could not even the score of what that would entail. The Hare set off out the gate to the left of the rugby field, crossing over to the fence next to Apia Park. We followed this through the mud and grass until we emerged out in the village of Vini, and we followed some familiar back roads out towards the Vaivase Road. Instead of being sensible, the Hare asked POD if she wanted the long run or the short run. As we would find out she was harbouring ill will towards Lewinsky so the long run was opted for. This took us past Fagalii airport, the golf course and finally down to the East Coast road just past the Fagalii cemetery. It was then a hard slog back to the ghetto, where Godfather’s sweet yet seemingly shrinking nuts were glistening. At least 8 km by my reckoning.

SOTB was there as GM, remarkably unsweaty which meant he had found a shortcut. Calling the circle to order he asked those new to Apia Hash to introduce themselves. These were Szi-Chi and Craig, invited by Chewbacca. The rethreads were Anthony, Lowrider and Julia Gillard.

Celebrity Awards went to Lowrider (missed met training at SPREP, no upskilling), Sexpot (Westpac ads) Poumuli (closest living relative to Weathercock – in Observer) and Julia Gillard (appeared on TV3, just repeating buy Ford).

This Day in History Awards went to Sexpot (1419 – First Defenestration of Prague: a crowd of radical Hussites kill seven members of the Prague city council. – Poumuli explained that this radical form of interaction with local government entailed hurling them out of a 9^th floor window, but geographic proximity, or lack thereof, was chosen), Snake (1970 – Black Tot Day: The last day of the officially sanctioned rum ration in the Royal Navy. – Snake is member of SCRUM), Transporter (1976 – In New York, New York, David Berkowitz (aka the "Son of Sam") kills one person and seriously wounds another in the first of a series of attacks).

The GM started in with his awards, first one for Overathleticism, as upon arrival we had seen Anthony and Lewinsky busy with their pugilistic display at the punching bag, and lifting weights. Interrupting the flow, the GM allowed Julia Gillard to introduce a new Award, namely the Hash Shit. This is a tradition in numerous Hashes, and is handed to the perpetrator of a crime so heinous it exceeds punishment. Then the GM accepted the new trophy in the form of a dunny-seat. Racking his mind for something suitable, he quickly accessed his lizard brain files. Apparently a fine party had been held for Lowrider upon her return from Banzailand, and a cake had been produced. On his knee Transporter proceeded to withdraw the surprise from the cake, which was not a ring but a thing. Inaugural Hash Shit of the Week to Transporter.

Lowrider quickly joined in the circle with a Bribery and Corruption Award for managing to get out of Japan only on an expired government ID, and joined by Julia Gillard for using the GM’s real name. At the end of the run POD had been looking for a pen to write up Hash Cash (incidentally supplied by the Scribe), and asked Karaoke, whose response was “no, but I got boobs”! Not sure how this mammalian memory lapse occurred or what fried synapses were shooting, but it was pretty funny.

Lewinsky nominated Rufie for disrespecting the Hash, by throwing a 12 case party and not inviting a single Hasher. This was a Making Lewinsky Thirsty Award, followed closely by Julia Gillard who had spoken to the GM about a golf game, golfing on the weekend, possibly golfing together. SOTB did indeed play but without inviting JG, so he took the NFI Award, opposite of RSVP.

Sexpot launched into his tale of heroism, as he had finally taken his brothers fishing with Lewinsky. As one of them hauled in a wahoo, the heroic Lewinsky was gaffing wildly about in the air, much like he does when testiculating (waving your hands in the air and talking absolute bollocks). Thus when the said wahoo escaped the hook and fell towards the briny Lewinsky gaffed it free-falling in mid-air. In his tepid defence he stated that the wahoo had been so small he needed to strike about to catch it. Thus spake the GM, that verily the allowable catch size had been violated, and Poumuli added that this was also Cruelty to Wahoos, therefore a double was served on our “hero”.

Sassygirl BJ then nominated Dawn Raid for making out with Lewinsky’s dogs. Actually, the female one had tried to mount him! Eveready had come late for the run, but had been asked by Nicola for the sausage tweezers. This led to some amusing entendre, but in the end Nicola spared Lewinsky further agony. Not so POD, who had to deal with Lewinsky the night of said gaffing, as he had come home from the boat pissed as a judge and late for a dinner appointment. He had fallen asleep in the car, forcing POD to carry three little girls and their stuff inside, while Lewinsky upon awakening only carried in a pint sized beach bucket! Well that beach bucket was quickly filled with suds and handed to the misogynist.

Transporter now wanted to get rid of the Hash Shit Award, and launched into some story about how Lewinsky wanted to be call The Man. All agreed that this was by far the worst nomination made at Hash since the last worst nomination, and Transporter not only retained Hash Shit, but was joined by the GM in the down down for not clarifying the rules governing Hash Shit in a less shit fashion.

The birthday girl Nicola was saluted as the Hash Shrine was whee-hee’d in by Tallyho. He claimed to have found a golfball with the initials AS on it, and had sold it to a caddy for 50 sene – the caddy claimed he could sell it back to SOTB for $1. After the GM had drank, then Poumuli opined that as Tallyho had been alone for this séance with the caddy, perhaps there was some fiction afoot, or someone being economical with the facts. In the end Tallyho got the Looking for Balls In The Grass Award.

The Hare and Hosts, Tallyho, Nicola, Rufie and Craig were saluted. They were quickly joined by Mugmaster Transporter for being useless and not bringing the Hash Mugs.

Quick announcement of the Perimeter Relay After Party being hosted at the back of On the Rocks (but not as far back as the toilets).

Check the blog for next week’s run.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit