HASH TRASH 1681
This week’s Hash was hosted by both Irini and Swinger at Swinger’s place in Siusega. The trail was set on paper and supposed to be a 6km circular one around the Faleata sports compound and then out to Vaitele uta and back home, but only two runners actually did the whole distance… most hashers either decided to run it in reverse because they were distracted by a shapely hash meres behind (eg Tallyho) or cut it short due to fatigue, stupidity and/or blindness (eg CB and Sexpot). Unfortunately, the traffic and wind had disturbed some of the false trail crosses expertly (not) set by Irini making it difficult at times to follow the trail.…However, a simple hash rule was ignored once again by the testosterone fuelled FRBs…. no paper, means your ain’t on the trail and you should go back to the last check point….
The Hashers then refreshed themselves with Godfather’s sweet nuts and the nectar of life whilst mulling over who followed the correct trail and what actually was the correct trail. Then the GM called the Hash circle to order.
First call up was the Newcummers. For the first time in a long time, there were no new people to Hash so the GM moved right along to Retreads. These included CB – who was too busy “blocking”, Topshelf – who couldn’t get to the boat in Savaii (Tallyho piped up because of the bad bus drivers – bad joke from the accident on the weekend), Pirate Princess – was busy babysitting, Captain Mortein – had journeyed back to Europe and finally Prince – who had an injured hoof (he was wearing the Boar or Rooter hat).
After sharing a retread down down, Snake was called up to inspect the circle to find new shoes. Pirate Princess was called up, just after having her first one for retreading and now this one for wearing new shoes and having to drink from the shoe.
It was at this moment that TTG arrived and so had to have a latecummer down down.
This Day in History was next: In 1776 the Liberty Bell rings summoning the US citizens to the first reading of the US Declaration of Independence – Ring Ring. Then in 1884 the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children was founded in London. This went to the token recurring bad parents (Roofie for putting Jack in blow up ring in full sun, Lewinsky – heaps of times). 1958 – was Kevin Bacon’s birthday – Prince took that down down, and finally in 1997 – Torrential rains cause flooding in Czech Republic, Poland or Germany – so our Ukrainian Transporter took the down down and it was quite fitting as he was wearing his Ukraine Tshirt.
GM then announced it was time for the Celebrity Awards which was read out by Sexpot (who had been busy researching for it). The first was an article to do with On the Rocks and the threatening of the Samoa Observer Chief Reporter so Lewinsky was called up. Also Stevenson’s of Manase was mentioned for their involvement with hosting the triathlon there in October, so POD took that one. An article regarding the plane accident in San Francisco saying the plane was “too low for landing” went to Low Rider, so Transporter took it. The final article was about a “Twitterholic” called Ali and as Ali was not present, Sexpot called for another twit to accept the down down – CB. There was also an article in the paper for Chicken in a can so Sexpot thought it fitting to give a down down to the “Angry Bird” of Hash. The Angry Bird was Dumbass and was unfortunately off island so TTG, being the closest living relative accepted the Vailima.
The GM awards were next with the first award going to a brave Hashman who accepted a request from an email going around from a Hashmere promising sexual favours if they agreed to host a hash with her. So Swinger was called up. Irini in his defence was trying to explain that Swinger had already accepted before she started promising sexual favours but accidentally forgot to call him by his Hash name and so she had to have a down down of sugar free soft drink with him. Following this same subject, GM was given a down down because he had written back to Irini after she had also promised sexual favours to couples too, but saying he had to check with Alcatraz before getting back to her.
GM then gave the Hugh Hefner Award to Granny Smith for getting an down down the week before for having a threesome to then being caught out in town with six women. He won hero status for going from a threesome to an orgy in one week.
The GM then mentioned the escaped criminals that are still at large in Apia. So he called up Crime, the mastermind, Alcatraz and Houdini who trained them.
The Loser Award was given to the Australian Rugby team who got smashed against the British Lions on Saturday, so two token Aussies – Ozzy and Pamela Anderson had to have a down down along with the winners (those of British descent), Tallyho and Nicola.
The GM then opened the nominations to the floor. Sexpot was first to call up the GM to have a commiseration down down for not getting the top Bluesky job as he thought he was going to.
It was then Tallyho’s turn who mentioned that he was at On the Rocks on Friday night watching a game of pool, a partnership of two hashmen brothers and their opponents. He witnessed them lose the game after being 3 balls clear of winning. So Transporter and Elle McJunior had to take a down down. Transporter told Tallyho off for watching balls too closely.
POD then picking up where Tallyho left off on balls, nominated Tallyho for the Wimbledon win of Andy Murray – the first time in 77 years that a Pom has won it. Then there were arguments as to whether he was a Pom or Scottish – but the circle didn’t care and he took it.
Sexpot was up again, he firstly congratulated Swinger on the good run which again had lots of falsies, and then nominated Tallyho for running the complete trail backwards (Sexpot had confirmed the trail with Swinger). Tallyho’s right of reply was that the hare failed to set the run properly. Sexpot came back saying he was too busying following Irini and not the trail, and a demonstration ensued with Sexpot demonstrating Tallyho’s style of running when Irini is in front – is he following the trail or tail?? A question of Irini’s true hair colour was then discussed with Tallyho questioning if she is a “true” blonde. Sexpot said Tallyho was following her closely enough that he should know.
Sassy then started talking about the perimeter run and the massaging of the Hash team during the run. Godfather organising the masseuses to massage in between the legs, meaning the Perimeter running legs, but those dirty Hashmen took it entirely the other way and were chuckling as to whether the massages included a “happy ending”. So Godfather had to take a down down for instigating the conversation.
Sexpot nominated a congratulatory down down to Captain Mortein for winning the Veteran’s 10km and Princess Tiger for winning the kids 3km. It was then that Topshelf piped up that she should get a congratulatory down down for WINNING the Women’s Marathon. When asked how many people were in the Marathon, she said just herself – but she still got a down down for her fantastic effort.
Sassy nominated Snake for bringing the bbq and failing to set it up properly resulting in a gas leak that could have blown us all to Kingdom Come if someone decided to light up a smoke. Snake said he only delivered the bbq and didn’t set it up, but he still got the down down because no one owned up to it.
Tallyho got a down down for spilling a drink on waitress at OTR and then looked at her boobs and said “Nice ones!” Irini said it was the same thing he whispered into her ears. Tallyho said he would whisper it into any ear he could get (a female one that is!).
Transporter then gave the Parents of the Year award to our regulars POD and Lewinsky for, on the weekend, at his niece’s birthday party, POD and Lewinsky showed up with Happy Daze covered with scratches all over her face. When asked about it they said “She fell down the stairs!!” Then we all realised why they sent Happy Feet and Happy Face to NZ so they had time to recover from their injuries. Lewinsky said he is looking forward to when Transporter has children (legitimate ones that is) so he can get his own back.
Sassy gave Kibble (Dog Food’s son) a down down for doing the run – he downed a Coke.
Tallyho gave the Lame Person Award to Witchdoctor for not running due to a soccer injury. Then someone also mentioned that Desperate Housewife was also lame from a soccer injury. They took the down down and when DH went looking for Sexpot to give the rest of her down down to as usual, but he was hiding so Pamela Anderson got it.
Topshelf nominated herself for leaving Samoa soon, so she ended up with two for self-abusing. GM then also had to have a down down for mentioning Lewinsky by his real name.
As Topshelf was leaving, Tallyho lead the Hash circle in the Hash Anthem, “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” in which afterwards Sassy nominated Prince for having the best wanking action in the song as agreed by all the other Hashmeres. Prince blamed the Rooter hat for making him do it.
Speaking of the Rooter hat, it was time for Prince to pass it on to another Hashman. Prince said he was originally going to give it to Irini for the email promising sexual favours in return for hosting hash with her, but he changed his mind and went for Sexpot for “pulling the muscle”. Sexpot put the hat on and immediately started to nuzzle the snout into Sassy. GM said he can see that’s how Sexpot can get lipstick on his collar (refer to the previous week’s nomination). Sexpot said that’s not the only place you can get lipstick on – that hat was already turning him into a boar!
Tallyho started complaining again about how there were not X’s on the trail and then nominated Imelda for donating a hat to the Hash Shrine but not even running, as the things that belong to the Hash Shrine as those treasures found when on the run.
The Hare & Host, Irini and Swinger were then called up to have their down down for hosting and setting that wacky run.
POD then made an important announcement with the help of her supermodel husband Lewinsky who was modelling the Hash T-shirts for $30 - cash only. It was whilst Lewinsky was modelling to the Hash Circle that Sexpot, the Rooter, snuck up on him and dacked him. Lucky Lewinsky’s shirt was long enough or his member short enough to contain his dignity.
One last announcement was again from POD asking which Hashfolk were interested in doing the 2013 Perimeter Run and to start forming teams before the deadline, 19th July.
After all that excitement the Hash Circle was brought to a close.
Next week’s Hash will be hosted by Snake, Fang and Dogfood at the Snakepit2 at Vaitele.