Hash Trash - Run 1473

This was Snake’s 1000th run, an event which is not often seen, so our hosts made sure this would be a memorable one. Snake had commandeered a dump truck from Apia Concrete Products which was waiting for us across from the Snakepit next to Lotemau. As the truck must have been recently used there were plenty of dirty hashers after the short trip up towards the Aai o Fiti area. Not that we needed to be concerned about getting dirty. The trail led up and up into the hills and a few energetic hashers were soon slowing down, particularly when one of Snake’s false trails had been “tampered with by local pickaninnies” according to Tallyho. Nevermind, the trail was re-acquired but many needed help up the next steep slope. Some of the greyer hashers even needed help from a hash mere! As the pack came out onto the top of the hill we were greeted by a delightful twilight, which was ruined by the fact that the next stage was a near-vertical drop down the slipperiest slope in Apia. The number of falls were immeasurable, but Mr. Whippy, Poumuli, Heather and others touched their mulis on the mud. Slippery fell so many times we were thinking of using him as a surfboard. SOTB simply sledded down the hill on his muli. It was slow going, mainly due to congestion at the trickiest spots, but we made it. It was on home down to Vaitele Street and back to the Snakepit.

Princess of Darkness again stepped in as GM, even though we were happy to see the GM (Eveready) and Karaoke back with us. (editor - Eveready has completed his term as GM. A new GM and Mismanagement team are yet to be named.) POD started off with the Rethreads, of which there were many – Sid, Goer, Orgy Georgy, Wahoo, Venom, Snakebite, Skankanavian, Hobbes, Mighty Mouse, Doreen, Natasha – I think that was all.

Apparently our rules have changed from 10 years ago. When the GM called on those new to Apia Hash, a rethread called Worthless stepped in. He was joined by Mouldy Allnight from the Qatar Hash, and neither of them knew the rule as to when to start on their down-down. A new pair of shoes was spotted, and Olsen drank his award with a mixture of fear and loathing.

The Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli, Gabor and Brent for the climate change conference half-page photo, Sassygirl’s attack on government was taken by SOTB (he tried to disown her!) and Dawn Raid for a headline about overstayers needing to return voluntarily.

The GM described the run as a particularly vicious one – well it would be for anyone trying to push a stroller – and gave the Living Up To Your Hash Name award to Slippery. She went on to describe a frantic phone call from a hash mere who had been asked to help Snake with the catering, who upon agreeing had to turn to Crash Bandicoot for help. Lewinsky helpfully pointed out that Crash had held him up for 50 tala for the salad, so Crash joined Delicious in the award. Now fully on a roll, and given that Lewinsky was being lippy, she described how he had taken unfair advantage during a fishing contest at Taumesina and winning the event. He still couldn’t skull even a small glass.

Snake nominated Goer and Bits and Pieces for the Getting Lost Before the Run Started Award, later to be joined by Suzanne, who couldn’t find it even as she was standing on shredded paper outside the Snakepit. Needless to say, that down-down disappeared at lightening speed.

The hash was treated to a description of events during the Iko Memorial dinner, where due to a tight dress Skankanavian full frontal flashed the Head of State. We could not get the rest of the siva group to perform for us though. To liven things up, Tallyho described, loudly of course, how one hash mere had deprived an entire community of their water supply during the run, so Maddy got the Breaking Water Pipes Award. The GM helpfully reminded Tallyho that he was one who had required help up the hill from a hash mere, but the award only got him more worked up. Decrying the spectacle of FBI and Brent sprinting the last of the trail home, and bringing disrepute to the hash (“people will think we are some sort of sporting club!”), he got the two of them an Undue Athleticism Award. Since we were discussing the trail, Poumuli called for Snake to get a Pollution Award because of the inordinate amount of paper used on the false trail. Snake defended this by explaining that it was the requisite amount of paper needed for a cross, so Poumuli had to join him (why oh why do I open my mouth). SOTB pointed out that Poumuli had tossed his tobacco into the pen where Snake keeps his puppies, so he got a second pollution award (at least that will stop them from barking).

Gabor went into a much too long description of Snake’s past runs, and amid loud snoring from the hash circle was awarded the Windbag Award by the GM. The GM discovered that not only was MilkMe late, but he was smoking in the circle, so front and centre he went. SOTB recounted how during the Taumesina classic a hashman had brought his young daughter to this beer infested swearing event (wait a second, POD brings Happy Feet to hash?), so Sid the Tall Maori got the Child Endangerment Award.

Tallyho had now recovered his wits and described with shock and horror how he had seen two seasoned hashers chariot riding on the way back. Slippery got no mercy, but Godfather asked for leniency, as it was his first such offence in 28 years of hashing. He got a small one as a result, but showed his usual good style in delivery (editor - the GM was merciless and handed both Godfather and Slippery double-downs). Poumuli nominated Dawn Raid for the Ms Roger Stanley Friendship Award for sharing a house with four fa’fafines in Pago. Lewinsky wanted SOTB front and centre for violating Yacht Club rules and destroying property in his advanced wooing of girls.

Our actual GM – Eveready – recounted how a hash mere at a wedding had been told she looked better than the bride, but got so sloshed she couldn’t remember this the next day. Delectable was at least relieved she woke up next to her own husband.

POD noted that this was Snake’s 1000th run, so honour of this he had to drink from his favourite mug – the titty mug (although some hecklers suggested he really wanted the other one!). For some reason the hash circle sang happy birthday during the protracted down-down. Snake was asked to say a few words, but he stumbled on his first line and named Karaoke by her real name. End of speech, and the hosts and hare were serenaded. Skankanavian tried for a late nomination, having asked a hash mere to come out with her, but Delicious forgot to close the cake shop and got grounded. The hash thought this was a stretch so Skankanavian had to join, with Gene stepping in for Cellphonus Interruptus. SOTB also wanted a late nomination to Skankanavian for Not Living Up To Your Hash Name Award, as there are two navy ships in port and no scandals as yet, but the GM over-ruled this one.

Editor - POD also noted that there are some new Hashers yet to be named. These namings will take place at a later time. Perhaps after the new GM and Mismanagement team is in-place.

Snake and Fang had put on a great spread of food, so the hungry hashers all enjoyed themselves.

Next run will be from Wahoo’s house in Vaola.

On on,

Poumuli.