Hash Trash 1516
This lovely (not) run was hosted by Pirate Princess and Captain Mortein at their house in Vaoala. As he was too busy cooking the Cpt had asked Ring Ring and Buzzer to set the run with the usual sweat inducing effects. We set out from Seascape onto the cross-island road led by Tramp, Poumuli, Hot Nuts and Cockblocker, and for once CB actually found the false trail cross! So off we went down Bernard Street and took a similar route through BlowMe’s house and down into the ravine as we did during Hot Nuts sojourn into the bushes. I am not sure if it is harder to go up or down that trail – as your Scribe has now arse-over-titted in both directions. As we got down to the river it was easy going, but the trail had been cunningly cut back to take us over the top and into the developments by the cow pastures. A lot of checking, but we found it and off most of us went- walkers short-cutted up through to the road by Mynahs. Oh but what a sickly feeling to see the hard rise of Bank Street, and your Scribe was using profanities the whole way. But over the rise and down the cross island road and on home. Late starters Godfather and Pro Bona made it in safely and the sweet nuts could be sucked down as the full moon rose over the hills of Upolu. This was one of the harder runs this year, and while flat on average, was a challenge that needs to be revenged a thousand fold upon Ring Ring and Buzzer.
Our beloved GM, Princess of Darkness had deigned us with her presence away from her breast feeding duties, and Lewinsky had no doubt found a sitter. With her usual no-bull attitude she got the circle assembled and called in the newcomers of which there were plenty. For some reason she started with the blonde AC/DC brought chicks, Lena (Germany), Linn, Lina and Jannicke (from Norway) who all ensured a Name Recognition Award for AC/DC. Helger (Germany) and Irie (methinks USA) were also welcomed by the Hash. For some reason CB joined AC/DC in his award but this was yet another surprise departure from usual behaviour, more later.
Many rethreads were with us, Tramp (no good excuse), Underrated (finding the meaning of life and returning to hash instead), Adrick (too friggin lazy), Delicious (too pregnant), Skunk (overseas), Handjob (travelling the world). All were saluted and serenaded. At this point our hosts had decided that the awards should also be accompanied by a shot of Vanuatu Kava, which after two cups in Vila made your Scribe absolutely legless. This was not going to be your average Apia Hash night, for some. The Shoe Inspector had such an easy time this evening, with the moonlight positively shining off Lewinsky’s new boots, and Snake added that he had even observed their purchase.
Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli (Observer story and letter), Sassygirl BJ and SOTB (photo), Godfather (NZ TV news).Lesbian Vampire Killer had a full page photo in the paper so closest living relative Slim Shady did the honours. As your Scribe emptied his bag at home he realized that BB had been missed out for her photo in the community pages, so hopefully she can be honoured next week. The GM was in full form as she called for a Sleeping on the Job Award to CB, for his inattention to the several beached whales that had appeared and been consumed in Samoa. Unexpectedly, there were no protests, the hat came off with no prompting and there were no whiny bitch comments as to why for example Swinger should not get this award. Well done CB.
But then the GM recounted how Captain Mortein had inadvertently sent a text intended for his wife to Swinger, describing what he had in mind for the evening. Both got the Tainted Love Award, but the rest of us were all left somewhat disturbed. Sleep tight my love indeed. After consultations with the local history oracle, the GM announced that in the year 1516 the Germans introduced the Reinheitsgebot and it was enacted first in Bavaria. This is why Vailima tastes so good, because it only consists of four ingredients – and doesn’t add rice like those absolute gobshite things they call beer in America like Buttwiper, and called for the hashers of German descent to take the Beer Taste Appreciation Award – SOTB, Hobbes, Tramp, Lewinsky and the German visitors.
A disgraceful breach of hash rules had been observed and Snake was Chariot Riding awarded. Returning to the Celebrity Awards, the GM noted that Poumuli’s letter to the Editor had not been signed by his usual nom-de-guerre, but rather as Poumuli, so obviously a Hash spy for the Observer needed some attention. As the only hasher present engaged in that nefarious occupation our resident legal eagle Pro Bona had to be the guilty person in need of the Squealer Award. (Your Scribe breathed a sigh of relief at this relief)
Sadly, our replacement GM for much of POD’s pregnancy, recovery and return, Eveready had had a small accident with a small chainsaw (logically this makes no sense) and according to Karaoke he had done it only to get more attention on himself. So why would the Eveready do such a thing? Obviously the pregnancy of Delicious was getting to be too much on Prime Time, so the culprit for the accident was really Crash Bandicoot for – how does that Samoan banana story go again? Sassy in her usual form, started a story about the Hashers going out to the resort in the hope of getting lucky, but Godfather added the crucial cement to their Italian Watershoes that they had asked him to come along. Yet he had waited for hours for them with no sign of them, nor a call or a text. While Godfather Abandonment is not yet on the statutes in this country as a serious crime, deserving of at least a Fatal Beating or Jandal-whooping, it was agreed by all that CB and SOTB should have a double. Again, no whimpering from CB.
Lewinsky wanted to bring our attention to the excessive aggressiveness shown by Crash towards Delicious, as exhibited by his breaking their bed during an evening of passion. Delicious pointed out that this had taken place months ago (or so we would hope), so Poumuli wanted Lewinsky to have a Chronologically Challenged Award as a result. Our beloved GM was one step ahead though, as she had already decided that Lewinsky should get the award for not breaking their bed, ever!
At this point the keg was running low, so Sassy’s award for over-fit youngsters was combined with the salute to the hosts and the hare – Captain Mortein, Pirate Princess, Ring Ring and Buzzer. A special happy birthday to the lovely Annelise, and then we set upon the table of unhealthy Danish food concoctions that was guaranteed to clog up any arteries cleared through by our vigorous run. (actually food was good and healthy, but the Cpt made a comment about Norwegian heritage that needed retribution)
On On, from Suva
Poumuli, IKA Slit