I was intending to write this in the biblical style again just to confuse Sexpot, but time is not on the side of those that dwelleth on climate change. Hence I shall limit myself to just the facts, ma’am. Well as we all know that doesn’t happen.
The Hash was hosted by Gayboy at one of his many camouflaged “residences” in Vaitele. We never got to the bottom of what sort of “residencing” was being encouraged at this one, as the usual conspicuous red doors were absent, or had been re-painted hurriedly. As it is now daylight savings time again, we were all awaiting gloomily the return to base of the Hare, Tallyho. We were greeted by a most wretched sight, as Tallyho was not only totally drenched in sweat, but said sweat had co-mingled and congealed with the flour he had used to set the trail. He was also out of breath for a change, so this most unusual apparition told us to turn right and follow the trail. He also gave precise directions on his methodological madness in that if you hit a cross, go back to the checkmark (a circle), if you see three marks in a row you are on the trail, unless you hit a cross, and if there are no marks you are off the trail. Sounded easy enough, but the still pungent heat of the fields, workshops and road made for an early stream of sweat to cloud FRB Poumuli’s sight, so he missed the first cross. Back down the first road and into the bush. We interchanged between a whole bunch of roads after that, up and down the armpit of Vaitele, the heat quite stellar. A few times the trail was lost, until a screaming Tallyho appeared out of somewhere and cajoled us in the right direction. Dehydration was imminent when we recognized the little shop near Gayboy’s, and many speeded up in the hopeful expectation of solaced tongues being quenched by Godfather’s ever-sweet nuts. We were not disappointed!
SOTB the GM called the circle to order as soon as he had recovered sufficiently from his ordeals on the trail. Newcomers to Hash were Shawn and Scott from Oz, who are hospital interns. The GM gave them a down-down to test their mettle, but then he recalled that they had been brought to Hash by Lewinsky, who was given the Charitable Award. And then another, as he had forgotten to remove his sunnies.
In a breach of order, the GM then requested Tallyho to explain the plastic bin that had been placed in the circle, or rather the Apia Hash Shrine, as this will now be called. Tallyho spake in tongues about placing Hash memorabilia in this Shrine, such as a spoon left behind, or the elastic from Lowrider’s panties that he had somehow come into possession of, as well as a rock from Snake’s. As Tallyho was pronounced Shrinemaster, he was given a celebratory award.
The Rethreads were Snakebite, Venom, Fang, Hot Nuts, Nutcracker, Godfather and Evelyn. Several implausible explanations were given and should perhaps have been noted. Snake was sent on his shoe inspection, and after several near misses pounced upon his own son and Baby Divine, which made for some interesting imagery. Crash Bandicoot took Baby’s down-down through her tiny jandal, while Snakebite did his with some sort of orangeade.
Celebrity Awards went to Transporter (his great-uncle Bruce Lee was the subject of a TV documentary), Bruce (standing in for FBI being in the paper, and being the recipient of many a FBI award), SOTB (for Sassygirl BJ in the paper twice, so a double) and Tomorrow (for being on TV for JICA and speaking rather fluent eloquent English).
This Day in History Awards went to Goldfinger (1928 discovery of penicillin), Poumuli (1903 his school re-opened at new grounds), Snake and Hot Nuts (Feast Day of St Gregory the Illuminator), Tallyho (1969 Concorde also breaks the sound barrier) and Lewinsky (2001 Clinton loses his law license for his perjury in the Lewinsky case).
The GM turned his attention to the run, and noted like Sexpot that worries did arise with Hashers possibly getting lost. Lo and behold a couple turn up looking like they were having some fun in the bushes. A Get A Room Award to Dave and Alicia. In the same vein, another Hash couple had been observed slipping into the actual back room, so Crash and Cougar were given a repeat award. Cockblocker joined as he had tried to stop them and failed, hence a Not Living Up to Hashname Award.
We were most gratified when a second (half) keg arrived, but as this is Hash no good deed goes unpunished so Fred got a joint Advertising Award (Vailima car) and an Honorary Dumass Award (for having his name on a cardboard hanging from his rear-view mirror to enable car re-location). Cockblocker then received his Fatherhood Award finally.
Those who had electricity on Sunday had been treated to a marvellous Argentina-All Blacks game, so the GM chose Karaoke to rep the Pumas and Cam for the Kiwis. Much in line with the keen eye he requires as a banker, Sexpot observed that most people tell the time by consulting a clock or a watch. But Gayboy, deviance from norms being his forte, had a poster of a clock instead.
Poumuli had been intrigued to overhear a Hash Mere describe how much she enjoyed running behind Tallyho, with his bouncing flowy locks like a cape flying behind him. Top Shelf took the Perving Award in a manner described by Tallyho as a good swallow. This being a bit of a dry season, Transporter had been disturbed to see a fellow burning grass and trash on the run, especially as none of our volunteer firemen had stepped in to warn him. SOTB received the Dereliction of Duty Award. Some people just want to see the world burn!
Upon arrival at the house some of us had observed a car parked in a fairly strategic spot by the gate, but Gayboy claimed that this had blocked several parking spaces for others. Decrying him as a miserable ungrateful little git Tallyho did the down-down. In a further dereliction of duty issue, Poumuli nominated Hot Nuts for throwing tea at him up at SPREP, but this was awarded only because HN missed.
At this point Strangler decided to challenge last week’s History when he was awarded for the founding of punk band Stranglers. Apparently the date was off by 2 weeks. Poumuli replied that Strangler had missed the Hash when it should have been awarded, and crowned the boomerang by stating that the truth should not get in the way of a good story, so a Typical Hash Justice Award to Strangler. Similarly Eveready gave Transporter this award for failing in his duties as Mugmaster by leaving them behind last Hash. Boom, there they got it...
Clearly needing glasses Tallyho wanted to give a leaning award to Lowrider, which was an instant false accusation. Not wanting to be left out, Karaoke wanted an award for the order of a giant penis cake by Lowrider, to which the GM added in the supermodel posing for the cake, Eveready, who claimed that all the icing had been licked off. Keeping to this theme, the meds had been told that a Hash Mere was organizing a hens night and had been desperately seeking a stripper. Goldfinger had indeed been desperate as she had approached SOTB!
Much like his advertisements posing as public awareness Sexpot warned the Hash about eating poisonous fish as per front page in the Observer, and this warranted any Hashers with a fishy name to be awarded. Poumuli took Wahoo’s award, and made mental note to rob Westpac immediately. We then had the delightful announcement that Top Shelf was getting married in Savaii and all are invited.
Cougar had been running again for the time, and gratitude overflowing nominated Crash for letting her shortcut. Tallyho enquired where was the Angry Chicken’s staff of office, which set of a furious debate about relative angriness. In the end the Angry Chicken was returned to Tallyho, sans staff of office, which Strangler joined in the award for.
Showing good form, POD nominated the GM for trying to imitate Godfather, by becoming a godfather, so a Farce Imitating Reality Award went to the GM. What were the poor parents thinking? Godfather then introduced a rather odd looking glass he had picked up in an Australian adult shop, and since the proprietor is Flash Gordon’s mum this went to his closest living relative Lewinsky, who was joined by the other Groomsmen SOTB and Crash. This glass will now be used for the Prick of the Week Award.
Sexpot wanted to dob in Skidmark for not joining the rethreads, but this was a false accusation according to Hash Cash POD, and Sexpot was joined by Snake for some advertising. Crash nominated Poumuli for having been aggressively drunk last week, and no wonder since those bastards were buying rounds of shot, including for Wahoo, and demanding that every one be consumed! Gayboy complained that his tomatoes had been over harvested by a certain girl, who later was seen playing with these, squished one and got it all over her face. We can all imagine Gayboy’s fascination with things being squished on faces, but it was the fact that the Grandparents burst out laughing that got his ire. So a Bad Grandparenting Award to Karaoke and Eveready.
Last dob was given by Tallyho to the meds for not joining in, yawning and demanded that they be awarded. And so they were.
The Host and the Hare were saluted before we ate some delicious but unidentifiable dishes. Watch the blog for next week’s run. Your Scribe will be in Barbados, no doubt hashing there, so Lucy will be Assistant Trainee Scribe.
Poumuli, IKA Slit