Hash Trash 1658

This Monday’s Hash was hosted by ACDC at Millenia Hotel, with an Island theme.  It was a welcoming party for his family, including ACDC’s partner Jane and son David whom had recently arrived from England.  As it was more of a party than Hash (hang on, isn’t that every week), ACDC instructed the Hare Cockblocker to make it a quick run so the party could begin.  And so out of the gate and On Right up towards town, zig-zagging past St Mary’s College, Lucky Foodtown, back up the main road before a familiar left hook into the drenched and smelly backyards near the Chan Mow wholesalers.

Whilst the run to now had surprisingly been orchestrated with a number of beautifully relayed Hash instructions (no-one more surprised than Tallyho to hear the piercing call of “Hash Halt” belting out from CBs diaphragm - yes CB!), perhaps the most surprising Hash Halt was that called at Gayboy’s eatery, in particular for Fireman Sam, who was NOT running but rather sitting inside gorging as much MSG as he possibly could.  Mmm, I sense a DD to help wash down the scrumptious MSG back-taste.

Anyway, through to Beach Rd and onto the seawall to head all the way back On-Home where the frothing amber fluid presented itself to this committed group of supreme athletes.

After a few bevvies were consumed and the runners had a chance to cool down, GM called the Hash Circle to order and the newcummers were introduced.  First there was Nicola who is living here for 2 years with her husband who works at Digicel.  She was invited by Jailbait although Nicola used Jailbait’s real name (under Jailbait’s instruction as she’s not a fan of the name).  Orima and Melania were two med students from the UK who were new to Hash and were told of it from a previous med student Craig (who’d already left the country).  Finally there was Josh from Rarotonga and had been invited by David Street (we don’t know a David Street, only Carnal Knowledge).  Therefore both Jailbait and Carnal Knowledge had to have a down down for not explaining the Hash Rules properly to their invitees.

Retreads were next to be called up and included Desperate Housewife, Do Me Twice, Hot Flush, Dried Nuts & Ladyfinger, ACDC, Weathercock, Lezzie, Jane, Crash Bandicoot and Delicious.

Shoe Inspector – Tallyho went around and inspected the shoes and two Hashmeres had stand out pairs and we literally mean standout, with Eveready in fluro orange and Low Rider in bright blue.  We think that Low Rider didn’t actually run in the shoes as the soles were still a pristine white.  Methinks she put them on after the run so she didn’t have to consume her sweat along with the Vailima.

There was no “This Day in History” so GM put the blame on our Hash Scribe, Poumuli for not providing it and, as he was not present, his closest living relative Dawn Raid took a drink for this misdemeanour. [Ed note – not true, these were sent to GM, but he obviously didn’t like being dobbed in by one of them. Revenge next week.]

Celebrity Award went to Tomorrow for an article in the paper about JICA volunteers nominated by Tallyho.  Tallyho also nominated Dumbass for looking very “metrosexual” in his black framed specs at an Art Exhibition/Wine Tasting night.  Finally Tallyho went for a hat trick nominating CB and DMT for advertising on the ACC website.

Tallyho then received a down down himself for not bringing the beloved Hash Shrine.

GM Awards were next.   The Bestiality Award went to Prince for chariot riding on a dog during the run.  The Mr Sheen Award went to Ally for having a shower whilst on the run after falling into some mud.  GM also nominated one Hashmere who, after drinking a little too much at the abovementioned Art Exhibition/Wine Tasting on Friday night, did an illegal U Turn in front of 5 policemen.  She managed to bribe and flirt her way out of jail.  She paid the cops off but had to borrow the $50 tala from POD.  It was a double down down to Low Rider for this illicit behaviour.  She shared this with her beloved Transporter.

GM then went to nominate a Hashman for a previous week’s incident when Crash and his family were at Gayboy’s restaurant where Luana was wandering around without any knickers and dropped a couple of nuggets around the restaurant (and they weren’t chicken!!).  So Crash had a down down for not properly toilet training his daughter.

The Saturday before Hash was Australia Day and so Ozzy was called up and had to choose a bunch of yobbos to have a down down with in honour of Australia Day – so Weathercock, Carnal Knowledge, Hot Flush, Sexpot, Twin Peaks, Alcatraz and Charlotte all joined him in knocking back some tinnies.

The Invisible Woman Award went to Gayboy for having an imaginary girlfriend.  He always talks about her but we never see her!

Carnal Knowledge was again called up for first inviting last week’s newcummers to Hash, then not attending himself and also AGAIN not explaining the rules when they used his birth name in the Hash Circle.  

GM awards were over and nominations from the floor began.  DMT nominated CB for being a whiny bitch – not liking how she nominates him all the time when other Hasher’s don’t nominate their partners.

Tallyho also nominated CB for his role as the Hare on the run.  Still surprised that CB had made sure to use all the Hash Phrases such as “On On”, “Hash Pause” and “Hash Halt” on the run.  CB had a right of reply saying that Tallyho, sensei and mentor, has taught him all he knows and so they both drank together.

Hot Flush called up Sassygirl BJ, Ring Ring and Lewinsky for making such a great effort with their costumes for the island themed Hash Run.

CK nominated Lewinsky for the Tightarse Award, for letting his wife carry boxes out in the rain without any umbrellas (as OTR doesn’t do umbrellas), also for not helping her with the boxes.  As Lewinsky was on antibiotics, he picked CK to be his whipping boy so the nomination backfired somewhat.

Tallyho nominated Gayboy for the Hash Halt near the Gayboy’s restaurant, seeing Fireman Sam there (as he was needed to put out some flames – supposedly).  Gayboy took a down down with the GM being thrown into the mix and having one with him.

Cougar called up Crash for having a wannabe racing car, tinting the windows of his work van and doing the van up.  Cougar had to have one with him as GM deemed it a shit nomination.

Gayboy called out to nominate Dumbass for texting behind his back in the Hash Circle, however Dumbass explained that he was about to bring up a nomination and was using a previous text as visual evidence.  He showed to text to the circle which read larger than “War & Peace”, and explained that he was drinking with two Hashmen who were talking about all the things they are going to do this year, and when he got home he received the text as certification of the promises these Hashmen were making for the New Year.  So Dumbass wanted to call up GM & CB and thought they should be renamed to Imagonna and Imagonna2 respectively.  Still that was no excuse for Dumbass to be using his phone in the Hash Circle so all three, Dumbass, Imagonna and Imagonna2 drank.

DMT nominated GM & Alcatraz for the True Romance Award for refusing CB and DMT’s invitation to go to Salani Resort, saying they were already going and wanted to go on a romantic trip on their own.  Thus shunned, DMT and CB didn’t go.  However, GM and Alcatraz arrived already to find another Hashman and his wife having a romantic weekend away – Slippery and Frances.

Weathercock awarded the Cultural Sensitivity Award to Sassy for when the Australians were having their down down for Australia Day, she started up with a moving rendition of Star Spangled Banner instead of Advance Australia Fair.  Sassy retorted saying that he was a whinging Aussie (isn’t that usually a Whinging Pom – she is getting mixed up!!!).  So Weathercock, Sassy and POD drank together.  POD because she was trying to get Sassy to pipe down.

With the announcement of their engagement at last week’s Hash, Karaoke and Eveready presented a beautiful cake with LOVE iced on it to Titty G and Godfather.  There were whispers that there was a special ingredient in the cake.  Murmurings of what it could be then went around......Viagra, engagement ring?  Before we could find out, Godfather then went into a monologue that would have rivalled Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet.  About the love within Hash and the love that has grown over 30 years amongst fellow Hashers and the affairs that have developed due to Hash such as his own with Titty G.  During this time, probably as he was caught up with the moment, he mentioned Titty G by her real name, and had to have a drink only to do it again not even 2 mins after.  Finally after the moving speech, Titty G and Godfather opened one of the beautiful flowers sitting on the cake, and there was a lacy red thong (or g-string if you’re an Aussie).  I’m not sure which of the two are going to wear it on the wedding night – maybe neither of them as it was stolen away by a randy Tallyho.  

After the cake, GF then called the single but attached Hashmen into the Hash Circle, saying that he has done the right thing by making an honest woman out of Titty G, and that these Hashmen should do the same thing too.  A few of these Hashmen looked like they were put on the spot and wanted to be renamed Imagoner!!

The next part of the evening arrived when Karaoke presented another cake.  This time for ACDC’s son David or “Little Monkey” who had recently turned 10 in December.  ACDC had missed the Birthday and so wanted to give David a Hash style Birthday wish.  The circle then all sang Happy Birthday in English, Samoan and Tokelauan (not sure if that is what you call the native tongue of Tokelau).

A retread, latecummer, leaner and token Ranga was called up, Callum and had to drink for these sins.

CB nominated the Alzheimer’s award to Crime for being so excited at the news of Titty G and Godfather’s engagement, he got drunk and lost his keys to his house and car.  Carnal Knowledge was also nominated by CB for trying to catch up with him for a surf but neglecting to tell CB which beach to meet at.  When they eventually found each other, he left his sock and his surfboard behind.  In the end CK, Crime and CB all drank.

It was then that time to cheer on the Hare & Host.  The Hare multiplied, as rodents do, into not just 1 but 3 Hares including CB, Sexpot and Darren with ACDC as the “Host with the Most” making it an even four.

Next week’s run will be held at YNot by Dumbass and Jordan with a Superbowl theme.  It will also be Gayboy and Jordan’s last week at Hash with Gayboy moving to Australia (onya Aussie!) and Jordan heading back to New Zealand.

The Hash Circle was then called to a close and a wonderous feast was bestowed upon us with mouth-watering treats and those lovely cakes for dessert.  The Hash Crew then danced into the night with the help of GM’s Boom Box Car and Godfather’s Ukelele.  A great night was had by all.  Faafetai tele lava ACDC, and welcome again to Jane and David.  

One more thing, look out for Transporter at Hash in two weeks time he will be reciting the Ukrainian Alphabet (as taught by Sexpot) to all in the Hash Circle and will be receiving a double down down if he gets it wrong.

On On.

Desperate Housewife

Hash Run 1658 - Island Theme with AC/DC at Tiafau Fale, Hotel Millenia

Good morning all,

Sorry for the late posting as we had to reconfirm the details of tonights run. Hash will be hosted by AC/DC at the Tiafau Fale at Millenia Hotel in Sogi. He would like to see as many hasher's tonight so if you are free, please come down for a run, a drink, a feed, a catch up with ACDC and a great night.

The theme for the night is Island Wear...to welcome AC/DC's young son. He has promised to put on a fantastic spread as well as a great party for hash tonight so make you you dress the part and wear your best Island Styled attire.

We will have out nectar of life there at hash as well as softies, and hopefully some sweet nuts from Godfather.

Run starts at 1745hrs.

See you all there!

On On

Hash Trash 1657

IT ALL ENDED IN TEARS AT HASH TONIGHT

For the first time in many years the whole Hash was reduced to tears tonight, normally solid unemotional Hashmen reached for the dry corners on their sweaty hash-shirts to wipe their eyes; Hashmeres, even those with a normally ice-cold demeanor towards any Hashman, were blubbing uncontrollably and the wailing could no doubt be heard for miles.

But before the tears the anguish: should we, shouldn’t we; will we, won’t we; can we, can’t we?? The airwaves and blogosphere were full of texts, emails & blogs with Hash mis-management managing to work themselves into a state of hypertension when it was quite clear that we should, we could and finally SassyGirl, our one and only holder of certificates in conciliation (for domestic harmony), masturbation (for personal harmony) and concatenation (joining everyone in harmony), said Yes We Can. The hash bible tells us so; we must and so it was agreed that we would form-up at OTR HQ for a run as we should. What the hash hath joined together let no cyclone warning put asunder. And so there we were, despite the best efforts of mis-management to confuse, confound and generally cock-things-up; the pack was raring to go, no sign of any cyclone on a sultry evening in Apia. And then we knew we were in for more pain and anguish; instead of heeding the sound advice of a venerable old hashman that we should be innovative, we should think outside the hash circle, the GM turned to CB and said you are the hare…. Immediately CB says we’ll just run to Mulinu’u round the back and home gain…. A gently 6km run….. Well we knew at once that this was going to be like a fox with its tail on fire, a whippet after an imaginary rabbit… all we would see would be CB disappearing into the distance, nose in the air, feet pounding the pavement, not a hash cry of “on on” or a welcome hash-pause or hash-halt to be called for the weary stragglers. And so it was; off he went at the speed of light heading for Mulinu’u, within 100 yards the pack was already spread over half a kilometer as the BRB’s tried to work out which way he had gone. On and on he went, not a hash pause or halt, not a turning of the head to check on the pack following… only Tallyho and new boot Darren managing even just to keep him in sight. And then suddenly CB was going the other way again. He had been to Mulinu’u, been round the back, had a ten-second halt and he was off-home again, calling to Tallyho and Darren as he sped-by that he had waited at least ten seconds at his self-proclaimed hash-halt and since there was no sign of anyone he was heading home.

Darren thinking he needed to follow the hare, went round the round-about by the met office while Tallyho went round the back to check on the met-office’s weather forecasting system. But there was no sign of any pieces of seaweed hanging by the met-office door, no wonder they have no idea whether it is going to rain, shine or blow-a-hooley if they are not checking the seaweed; but what's more there are definitely a couple of extra-terrestial dalek-like sheds hidden in the long grass at the back of the met station, that must be where the powers-that-be get their messages from too... Anyway by the time Tallyho reached the main road again Godfather was hoving into sight along with Elli new-boot missus belong Darren. And that was it, what became of the rest of the pack, it had clearly given up and gone back to the keg. All except HotNuts who for some reason suddenly had more energy than sense as he proceeded to continue past OTR towards Aggies only to meet up with Slippery who was also approaching from completely the opposite direction of the run… The pair of them seemed to have some death-wish to be washed-away by the very large swells that were coming into the harbour and breaking with much frothing and foaming over the seawall.

And so to the circle; first up as usual were the new footprints, Elli and Darren who had been encouraged to come by Carnal Knowledge and Erin who came with DawnRaid and Witchdoctor, but they had failed to instruct on the calling of hash names so they too were in the circle.

A veritable pack of retreads followed: Ozzie, HotNuts, Godfather, Slippery, TTG, Jordan, Da Head and Lucca, all had been variously on holiday or general slacking.

Onto history; Ozzie was up for the first convict ship to Botany Bay  in 1788; then in 1861 Georgia joined the Confederacy so our General Custer look-alike Kalolo was in the circle; in 1942 the Poms thrashed the Eyties in Abyssinia (but haven’t beaten them at soccer since), guess who got this one; DumbAs was next up having been picked as the closest living relative to the 1972 occupant of the Russian spaceship and finally Swinger was the closest living relative to the Boston Strangler of 1967……

The only celebrity spotted this week was Gemma, star lawyer at USP, whose closest “friend” happens to be GayBoy, he probably needs more legal advice than most.

Without either Lewinsky or Snake, the usual resident shoe inspectors, it was everyone for everyone, all with keen eyes for those who had had new shoes in their Xmas stockings; so out to the front went Slippery, RingRing, Lucca, Ozzie and Elli all being dobbed for various sorts of new footwear.

The GM then regaled the circle with a tale of dereliction of duty by Tallyho for leaving the Shrine at Witchdoctor’s place two weeks ago, Tallyho’s right-of-reply was drowned out by the baying for blood by the circle. But Tallyho reached into his pocket and pulled out his little fellow and held it up for all to see: this little fellow, dressed in his pirate’s suit was rescued from the mud of Lelata last week and would be placed in the Shrine to remind us of the flood and the cyclone.

The mention of the run two-weeks ago reminded Witchdoctor that the empty keg had been sitting on her deck for the past two-weeks and DaHead was in the circle for leaving the keg uncollected.

Next Sassy complained that a little black piglet was snuffling around her legs, but it turned out to be some sort of cross between a dunny-brush and a flying fox, and Erin the owner of this odd looking creature was in the circle for allowing her animal to give Sassy a thrill.

Some hashmen never learn, so Ozzie and Kalolo were in the circle for leaning and Kalolo got a second for not remembering to remove his hat.

CB was clearly anticipating the wrath of the pack over the run so adopted attack as the best form of defence in accusing RingRing, Sassy and the GM of being SCBs and HotNuts of being overly athletic in not stopping at OTR on the way back and going all the way to Aggies. Jordan was spotted chariot riding on his skateboard so father-and-son were in the circle. DumbAs was also called for getting lost and then for choking on a half cooked-snag.

But he could not get away with it so easily, by general acclamation CB was dragged into the hash circle, no on-on calls, no hash-pause, no hash-halt that anyone actually noticed, confusion about the trail, the litany of woes continued and so CB was slowly worn down by the weight of calumny heaped on him.

At this point the circle’s attention was somehow drawn to the MardiGras, your Scribe rather lost the thread here but suffice to say that Ozzie was dobbed for being spotted watching the said event, GayBoy for not being in the event and CB for wearing a pair of shorts that could well have been worn at the event.

Next the gas for the BBQ ran out so the snags lay there on the slab, slowing defrosting, Crime and DaHead took the punishment for there being no gas

The GM then wanted to know why there was nothing new for the Shrine this week, but the ever resourceful Tallyho had spotted a broken flip-flop on the ground just over the railings, which GayBoy ever eager to throw a leg-over was quick to retrieve; this was duly placed in the Shrine and may be used should there ever need to be some spanking done.

GayBoy then dobbed DaHead for something but, as ever, the story became ever less clear as GayBoy waffled-on, and to think he is going to be some sort of computer programmer in Australia. Sony’s computer games will never be the same again.

Swinger was spotted looking sad and dejected now that BB has departed back to Fiji, the pack felt sorry for him brought him into the circle for a commiseratory DD.

And so the circle was slowly drawing to a close; the GM called Sassy into the circle for sending round confusing messages and trying to cancel the hash tonight, but thankfully duty had prevailed; CB was dobbed for something to do with Gale and Garry and the GM and CB took the hare and host.

At this point Godfather stepped into the circle… “Mr GM I have something to say to the Hash”. Oh dear, thought the old and bold of the Hash circle; when Godfather enters the circle and speaks in that particular grave voice it usually means we are about to be told-off; someone must have complained about the words in the carols on the Xmas run; maybe Lewinsky’s favourite customer, the Police Commissioner, had been listening to our singing this evening and been put off his stroke on the pool table; maybe the chanting of the hash circle had been blamed for the cyclone and floods….. Godfather proceeded in this grave way to retell the history of the hash, of his involvement in the first runs as a young man and promising FRB, of those hashmen and hashmeres who have come and gone, hashmen and hashmeres past and present, through the friendships made and lost, of how there have been good times and bad but the Hash has always carried-on…. Where was this leading, the Hash for once listening in unaccustomed silence, how the GM must have been in envy of this rapt attention .. what was Godfather’s message going to be this was getting serious …. now Godfather was reminding the circle of Sassy’s 50^th birthday run (something which Sassy would no doubt prefer to forget) and then suddenly the declaration was made…. Love had been found on the hash .. the hash-cupid had fired his arrow at Sassy’s birthday run and love had blossomed…. And now Godfather had proposed to TTG who after thinking about it for about as long as it takes the GM to do a down-down, she had accepted. At once the evening air was filled wailing and blubbing by all the hashmeres, even hardened hashmen were seen reaching for the dry corners of their sweaty hash shirts….. the tears flowed, the fluid of sustenance flowed, the uncooked snags lay forlornly on the BBQ…….. and so the hash ended in tears tonight…. Tears of happiness for Godfather and TTG….. watch this space for future announcements…. Oh dear where’s the tissues…. Does TTG have any sisters….?

Tallyho and Toodle Pip

Hash Run 1657 - @ OTR - BYO BBQ

Afternoon All,

Confirming tonights hash run will be from OTR (HQ1) at 5:45 pm...seems we have enough interest and some thirsty souls left out there for a hash run.

See you all then, we will get the Hash BBQ and we can have a BYO BBQ tonight.

We have managed to get a Keg out of the brewery before they closed up shop today at lunch time so we will have the Nectar of the Gods.

On On

Hash Trash 1656

The Hash was hosted by Crime, Swinger and BB at Crime’s place by Apia Park. It was a rainy day, and we were sent out into the continuous steady drizzle that only an Englishman could enjoy, but actually Tallyho was equally griping about the conditions. We followed some well-trod trails on this mainly road run. There were a few false trails as we got into the Faatoia area, as well as on Faipule Street. The FRBs thought we were heading over to the cemetery opposite NUS, but Gayboy and Tallyho had other thoughts and took a shortcut to reach the trail on Vailele Street. It was then a gentle run back to Apia Park through to Crime’s house. It was a relatively short and brisk run, but the conditions were rather awful. Particularly the corners and the inclines and downhills were particularly soapy, and it was a wonder that no legs were shattered or bums impacted.

SOTB was present as the GM and called the circle to as much order as was possible given the sheeting rain and the accumulated pools on the tarp that kept dropping onto unsuspecting Hashers. New to Apia Hash were Tina and Gareth from NZ (teachers over for a while), and Portia and Karen who had been brought by someone imitating Poumuli and Dawn Raid. This vile trick by Witch Doctor was soon revenged.

Rethreads were Poumuli, Fang, Prince, Twin Peaks, Tomorrow and Craig, while Hippy was caught leaning. The Shoe Inspector Lewinsky found none, much to his dismay.

This Day in History went to Gayboy (1787 Herschel discovers the moons of Uranus, and the award was for someone who has done some similar explorations around Uranus), Dawn Raid (1814 Treaty of Kiel hands over Norway to Sweden), Witch Doctor (1938 Norway claims Queen Maud’s Land in Antarctica), Hot Nuts (1946 first UN General Assembly), Tomorrow (1952 debut of NBC’s Today programme) and Swinger (International Fetish Day).

Celebrity Awards went to Sexpot for being in the paper handing out “scholarships” to little girls, Tallyho and Hippy for being on TV (TH claimed they were honing their voices for the Hash singing) and POD and Lewinsky for being on the radio.

The GM was well pleased that the Hash Mugs were back after 6 long weeks, apparently having been found under Transporter’s Dad’s bed. The rest of us were pleased that they had been washed! Since it was a double award, Prince had to help out.

Then there was the Hasher who had been dropped off at the run by a dodgy looking Samoan, and upon enquiry the GM had been told that his car had been lost in the cyclone. As Today is off in Japan, the GM asked why not get her to send a new car to Tomorrow, to which he replied that he has already asked for new wife and new car!

Gemma had told the GM she was leaving Hash early, yet she had stayed and to the delight of many had been furnished with a white t-shirt by Gayboy, already translucent in the rain. Wet T-Shirt Award.

The GM also wanted to punish Tallyho for forgetting the Hash Shrine, although he had found a suitable addition on the run in the form of a little fellow, but all agreed that Tallyho’s little fellow needed to be put away, if not down. He was quickly joined by Twin Peaks for leaning, and for making Public Awareness Announcements at random points.

Finally, the GM congratulated Poumuli on joining the Fathers Club as well as DADD (Dads Against Daughters Dating – shoot the first one who comes courting, the word will get around).

First off in the dobbs was Tallyho who invoked the no fondling on the Hash rule, subsection incestuous, for Dawn Raid and Witch Doctor for the public massaging that had been observed or ignored by most. It was opined that the dirty old man was jealous, so he joined them in the award.

Sassygirl BJ nominated Gayboy and Lewinsky for rescuing the beer (there is still a keg etc at my house!). Hot Nuts nominated BB for leaving, and Swinger for already showing withdrawal symptoms. Poumuli nominated Tallyho and Gayboy for being Short Cutting Bastards and Stick for being blind on the run, but it was clarified that Tallyho had followed Gayboy so he was reprieved.

Sassy nominated Alcatraz for some Hash Cash problems, while Tallyho gave her the Insensitive Award for running in a full raincoat through these rain-drenched and devastated areas. Poumuli had some Hashshit to add to the Shrine, but Gemma wanted her bottle back so she got a down-down instead. Gayboy was leaning.

Transporter had been at OTR when the police came to close it down, yet the pool game continued. Lewinsky’s explanation of having the Commissioner on his payroll earned him a Corleone Award. Gayboy launched into a rather incomprehensible story about getting a whole piece of povi from Lewinsky. It was too much FBI, and was amicably resolved by giving the down-down to Transporter, Gayboy and Lewinsky as well as Brent for some associated bribery.

Alcatraz had been on hols in Oz, and had been asked by a Hash Mere to get an I-Phone, but as there are no Apple Stores in Tasmania (only sheep-shagging accoutrements suppliers) she had been forced to buy it online. Emily took a double as a result but needed assistance from Gayboy.

The Hare and the hosts were saluted. Some announcements were then made – AC/DC will have a party for the Hash around the 26^th of January, and he had made a special request for a down-down for Dawn Raid for securing his Tokelau visa (Fakaofo only I hope). There was also an announcement for a cross-dressing fundraiser at Y-Not on the 16^th.

Watch the blog for next week’s run.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1655

Here we are, or at least were last Monday evening a small but dedicated bunch of hashmen and meres ready for the first AHHH hash run for 2013. This should have been run number 1656 but by your Scribes calculation this was in fact run number 1655: what had happened last week??? The unthinkable had happened, not the Mayan prophesies of the end-of-the-world had not been put back a couple of weeks, it was even worse than this… the GM had canceled the new-year’s eve run. As it says in the Hash Bible “verily we say unto all the hash chapters that come to their devotions on the appointed day, that when even just one hashman or hashmere girds up their loins, calls on on and proceeds to imbibe of the fluid of sustenance then a hashrun may be declared to have occurred and this shall recorded in anals of the said hash and shall be recorded so for all time”. But it seems that even this did not happen last week; a hash commandment was not observed. What does this mean for AHHH. Never mind the Long Run Mayan calendar, the countdown to the AHHH 2000^th run which had been written down from the very first AHHH in the eternal and never-ending hash calendar for the 12 August 2019, will now have to be put back a week. How can a hashman or hashmere plan for their future if hash commandments are so blatantly cast aside by the GM, no less. Flights and hotel bookings for August 2019 will now have to be changed, re-booking penalties will have to be paid; your Scribe will have to live at least another week.

But anyway here we were at run 1655 at Poumuli’s castle-in-the sky where the redoubtable Dawnraid and WitchDoctor with their mum as well, were keeping the family abode safe from intruders.

When your Scribe arrived at about ten-to-six there was a look of relief in the GM’s eyes as at that point there were only the hares, Sassy and the GM present. Gradually a few more hashmen and meres straggled in so that by about ten-past-six about a dozen runners, walkers and assorted shirkers set off following the largest piles of shredded paper ever seen on an AHHH trail. Clearly Dawnraid did not want to be dobbed for lack of paper. This part of town must be full of dog-lovers or be such a high-risk area that everyone keeps at least three assorted pit-bulls and Dobermans to ward-off the local villains. Those who witnessed Desperate Housewife being attacked by one such mutt a few weeks ago armed themselves with a few rocks and a stick just to be on the safe side this time. The mutts in the Castle Drake were the noisiest and were easily roused into a frenzy even by the sight of the motley crowd of hashers as they passed. So down the upper part of Lamosa road and down the X-island taking a left on a track below the lower Lamosa Road. 

Along here we passed a small paddock of cattle with a rather substantial looking bull minding the cows. How we needed Slim Shady and her scrotum polishing experience to tell us whether this was indeed a substantial animal or just a regular handful for an experienced scrotum polisher. Never mind, but it did a have few hashmen, (notably CB and Swinger your Scribe noted) contemplating their own inadequacies in comparison.

The trail then proceeded into the bush around a very large and seemingly unoccupied house with magnificent views, over, under and around a number of fallen trees and eventually out into lower Lamosa Road almost at the point of DH’s mutt-encounter. A long falsie took the FRBs through a gauntlet of frenzied dogs and into a compound which was once the location of a run by Dad & Root Rat (Run 825 on 3 March 1997). Back to Lamosa Road and another falsie to the right which took the pack (of about only about three or four hashmen at this point) into the bush again almost to the point of an infamous missed on-back in run 825. Once again back onto Lamosa Road and a short run back to the keg. A good run in the circumstances from a little frequented, but much developed, area since that long-ago run in 1997.

By the time the runners had straggled back the total pack with assorted non-runners and keg-flies had swelled to about two-dozen so the circle when called by the GM was an almost respectable size.

First as always were the new footprints & visitors; Mum, here to keep an eye on Dawnraid, WitchDoctor and hopefully Poumuli, Wahoo and new hashsprog when it eventually arrives. Gemma brought by Chi (oops GayBoy) and Mandy brought by Anthony (oops GM). So guess who also did DDs with the newbies.

Next the swag of failures included Dawnraid & WitchDoctor, Swinger & BB, GayBoy and DumbAss. And who should be a very latecummer at this point but Sexpot who had been working from his slumbers by the cries of On ON as the pack staggered down X-Island past his house. DH did not follow as she was apparently still nursing a hangover from a Sunday at the beach. Unfortunately Sexpot had forgotten that any new footwear is dobbable and his fancy new flip-flops got the treatment from the exultant shoe-inspector Lewinsky. Who in celebration of his having actually found some new shoes was given a celebratory DD to go with Sexpot. And to these two was added Dawnraid whose mobile phone suddenly chirped into life, apparently it was Poumuli calling to check if History had been received. And so it had, first up was Swinger for something to do with an earthquake in 1780 and BB being here at the moment; then Brent gallantly stepped forward to represent the US national debt which had last been zero in 1885. Some sort of lunar event in 1959 got WitchDoctor into the centre along with Lewinsky for Clinton’s impeachment in 1999 and finally Tallyho for being as good looking as Kim Jong Un who had just has his birthday.

Celebrities this week were Lewinsky whose father-in-law had featured in the Observer, and Sexpot who had, this week given $100k to the Red Cross instead of giving away scholarships of some sort to young girls as usual. CB was called to join these two as he had failed to get his picture in the paper despite being at numerous parties which had featured in the social pages.

Lewinsky’s phone then rang and not wishing to be alone he called forth GayBoy for some escapade to do with a faafafine in his restaurant. That should put paid to GayBoy’s dalliance with Gemma.

Ane was farewelled as she will be leaving for Vietnam this week, but she knows that Brent will be in good hands with all his hashmates to look after him. Karaoke joined here for leaning on Dawnraid’s Mum and Sassy dobbed Sexpot for trying to get her to have a ciggy after she had been trying to give up.

 Brent dobbed Dawnraid for setting a false trail and then discouraging Brent from checking it; however Brent got a rebound when he admitted to having been hashing for ten years and never getting named… 

Sassy then tried her luck by dobbing GayBoy for trying to lead a young lady astray, but this seemed to backfire as she was called forth for a false accusation, or was it jealousy that no-one tries to lead her astray anymore. Sexpot dobbed CB for overstaying his dinner invitation by about 48 hours as he refused to go home and GayBoy got the FBI award for a complete failure of his dob on Sexpot for something that no-one in the circle could understand. No doubt Sexpot has refused his overdraft request again.

Sexpot gave a congratulatory to Sassy for giving up smoking; Tallyho was spotted standing in a pool of water and got dobbed for apparent incontinence and Lewinsky was called forward by CB for passing-out at a new year party. Swinger got lost on the way to the venue and had to call Sassy for directions. Tallyho called for a contribution to the Shrine in memory of the cyclone, the GM  presented a piece of broken washing machine and Tallyho took the DD. Sassy was now in full swing dobbing DumbAss for his daughter’s skill at poker; for hearing new footprint Mandy saying she needed a good screwdriver. Mandy proved her potential as a good hashmere with a very fast swallow and for Eveready for not complaining about the lack of softies. 

Swinger was next to try his luck in dobbing Tallyho for having the power reconnected to his house but nearly causing a fire when EPC failed to make safe other power lines, this was clearly a false dob cos Tallyho was doing Swinger’s rellies a favour. Crime was next caught leaning and CB was dobbed by the GM for not returning his sunglasses.

Since this was Gemma’s first and last run and Ane is leaving by general acclamation Tallyho led the circle in a stirring rendition of the hash anthem; the first of 2013.

Dawnraid and WitchDoctor, the hare and host, were finally brought into the circle for a good run and venue, a great way to start the hashing year. Thanks too for some great food and an all-round good hash. And as your Scribe’s chariot slowly edged its way out of the gate the remaining circle could be seen still standing round the Shrine in reverence so the Shrine was left in the care of the GM till next week.

Tallyho and Toodle Pip