Thursday, January 31, 2013

Hash Trash 1658

This Monday’s Hash was hosted by ACDC at Millenia Hotel, with an Island theme.  It was a welcoming party for his family, including ACDC’s partner Jane and son David whom had recently arrived from England.  As it was more of a party than Hash (hang on, isn’t that every week), ACDC instructed the Hare Cockblocker to make it a quick run so the party could begin.  And so out of the gate and On Right up towards town, zig-zagging past St Mary’s College, Lucky Foodtown, back up the main road before a familiar left hook into the drenched and smelly backyards near the Chan Mow wholesalers.
Whilst the run to now had surprisingly been orchestrated with a number of beautifully relayed Hash instructions (no-one more surprised than Tallyho to hear the piercing call of “Hash Halt” belting out from CBs diaphragm - yes CB!), perhaps the most surprising Hash Halt was that called at Gayboy’s eatery, in particular for Fireman Sam, who was NOT running but rather sitting inside gorging as much MSG as he possibly could.  Mmm, I sense a DD to help wash down the scrumptious MSG back-taste.
Anyway, through to Beach Rd and onto the seawall to head all the way back On-Home where the frothing amber fluid presented itself to this committed group of supreme athletes.
After a few bevvies were consumed and the runners had a chance to cool down, GM called the Hash Circle to order and the newcummers were introduced.  First there was Nicola who is living here for 2 years with her husband who works at Digicel.  She was invited by Jailbait although Nicola used Jailbait’s real name (under Jailbait’s instruction as she’s not a fan of the name).  Orima and Melania were two med students from the UK who were new to Hash and were told of it from a previous med student Craig (who’d already left the country).  Finally there was Josh from Rarotonga and had been invited by David Street (we don’t know a David Street, only Carnal Knowledge).  Therefore both Jailbait and Carnal Knowledge had to have a down down for not explaining the Hash Rules properly to their invitees.
Retreads were next to be called up and included Desperate Housewife, Do Me Twice, Hot Flush, Dried Nuts & Ladyfinger, ACDC, Weathercock, Lezzie, Jane, Crash Bandicoot and Delicious.
Shoe Inspector – Tallyho went around and inspected the shoes and two Hashmeres had stand out pairs and we literally mean standout, with Eveready in fluro orange and Low Rider in bright blue.  We think that Low Rider didn’t actually run in the shoes as the soles were still a pristine white.  Methinks she put them on after the run so she didn’t have to consume her sweat along with the Vailima.
There was no “This Day in History” so GM put the blame on our Hash Scribe, Poumuli for not providing it and, as he was not present, his closest living relative Dawn Raid took a drink for this misdemeanour. [Ed note – not true, these were sent to GM, but he obviously didn’t like being dobbed in by one of them. Revenge next week.]

Celebrity Award went to Tomorrow for an article in the paper about JICA volunteers nominated by Tallyho.  Tallyho also nominated Dumbass for looking very “metrosexual” in his black framed specs at an Art Exhibition/Wine Tasting night.  Finally Tallyho went for a hat trick nominating CB and DMT for advertising on the ACC website.

Tallyho then received a down down himself for not bringing the beloved Hash Shrine.
GM Awards were next.   The Bestiality Award went to Prince for chariot riding on a dog during the run.  The Mr Sheen Award went to Ally for having a shower whilst on the run after falling into some mud.  GM also nominated one Hashmere who, after drinking a little too much at the abovementioned Art Exhibition/Wine Tasting on Friday night, did an illegal U Turn in front of 5 policemen.  She managed to bribe and flirt her way out of jail.  She paid the cops off but had to borrow the $50 tala from POD.  It was a double down down to Low Rider for this illicit behaviour.  She shared this with her beloved Transporter.
GM then went to nominate a Hashman for a previous week’s incident when Crash and his family were at Gayboy’s restaurant where Luana was wandering around without any knickers and dropped a couple of nuggets around the restaurant (and they weren’t chicken!!).  So Crash had a down down for not properly toilet training his daughter.

The Saturday before Hash was Australia Day and so Ozzy was called up and had to choose a bunch of yobbos to have a down down with in honour of Australia Day – so Weathercock, Carnal Knowledge, Hot Flush, Sexpot, Twin Peaks, Alcatraz and Charlotte all joined him in knocking back some tinnies.
The Invisible Woman Award went to Gayboy for having an imaginary girlfriend.  He always talks about her but we never see her!
Carnal Knowledge was again called up for first inviting last week’s newcummers to Hash, then not attending himself and also AGAIN not explaining the rules when they used his birth name in the Hash Circle.  

GM awards were over and nominations from the floor began.  DMT nominated CB for being a whiny bitch – not liking how she nominates him all the time when other Hasher’s don’t nominate their partners.
Tallyho also nominated CB for his role as the Hare on the run.  Still surprised that CB had made sure to use all the Hash Phrases such as “On On”, “Hash Pause” and “Hash Halt” on the run.  CB had a right of reply saying that Tallyho, sensei and mentor, has taught him all he knows and so they both drank together.

Hot Flush called up Sassygirl BJ, Ring Ring and Lewinsky for making such a great effort with their costumes for the island themed Hash Run.
CK nominated Lewinsky for the Tightarse Award, for letting his wife carry boxes out in the rain without any umbrellas (as OTR doesn’t do umbrellas), also for not helping her with the boxes.  As Lewinsky was on antibiotics, he picked CK to be his whipping boy so the nomination backfired somewhat.
Tallyho nominated Gayboy for the Hash Halt near the Gayboy’s restaurant, seeing Fireman Sam there (as he was needed to put out some flames – supposedly).  Gayboy took a down down with the GM being thrown into the mix and having one with him.

Cougar called up Crash for having a wannabe racing car, tinting the windows of his work van and doing the van up.  Cougar had to have one with him as GM deemed it a shit nomination.
Gayboy called out to nominate Dumbass for texting behind his back in the Hash Circle, however Dumbass explained that he was about to bring up a nomination and was using a previous text as visual evidence.  He showed to text to the circle which read larger than “War & Peace”, and explained that he was drinking with two Hashmen who were talking about all the things they are going to do this year, and when he got home he received the text as certification of the promises these Hashmen were making for the New Year.  So Dumbass wanted to call up GM & CB and thought they should be renamed to Imagonna and Imagonna2 respectively.  Still that was no excuse for Dumbass to be using his phone in the Hash Circle so all three, Dumbass, Imagonna and Imagonna2 drank.
DMT nominated GM & Alcatraz for the True Romance Award for refusing CB and DMT’s invitation to go to Salani Resort, saying they were already going and wanted to go on a romantic trip on their own.  Thus shunned, DMT and CB didn’t go.  However, GM and Alcatraz arrived already to find another Hashman and his wife having a romantic weekend away – Slippery and Frances.
Weathercock awarded the Cultural Sensitivity Award to Sassy for when the Australians were having their down down for Australia Day, she started up with a moving rendition of Star Spangled Banner instead of Advance Australia Fair.  Sassy retorted saying that he was a whinging Aussie (isn’t that usually a Whinging Pom – she is getting mixed up!!!).  So Weathercock, Sassy and POD drank together.  POD because she was trying to get Sassy to pipe down.

With the announcement of their engagement at last week’s Hash, Karaoke and Eveready presented a beautiful cake with LOVE iced on it to Titty G and Godfather.  There were whispers that there was a special ingredient in the cake.  Murmurings of what it could be then went around......Viagra, engagement ring?  Before we could find out, Godfather then went into a monologue that would have rivalled Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet.  About the love within Hash and the love that has grown over 30 years amongst fellow Hashers and the affairs that have developed due to Hash such as his own with Titty G.  During this time, probably as he was caught up with the moment, he mentioned Titty G by her real name, and had to have a drink only to do it again not even 2 mins after.  Finally after the moving speech, Titty G and Godfather opened one of the beautiful flowers sitting on the cake, and there was a lacy red thong (or g-string if you’re an Aussie).  I’m not sure which of the two are going to wear it on the wedding night – maybe neither of them as it was stolen away by a randy Tallyho.  
After the cake, GF then called the single but attached Hashmen into the Hash Circle, saying that he has done the right thing by making an honest woman out of Titty G, and that these Hashmen should do the same thing too.  A few of these Hashmen looked like they were put on the spot and wanted to be renamed Imagoner!!

The next part of the evening arrived when Karaoke presented another cake.  This time for ACDC’s son David or “Little Monkey” who had recently turned 10 in December.  ACDC had missed the Birthday and so wanted to give David a Hash style Birthday wish.  The circle then all sang Happy Birthday in English, Samoan and Tokelauan (not sure if that is what you call the native tongue of Tokelau).
A retread, latecummer, leaner and token Ranga was called up, Callum and had to drink for these sins.
CB nominated the Alzheimer’s award to Crime for being so excited at the news of Titty G and Godfather’s engagement, he got drunk and lost his keys to his house and car.  Carnal Knowledge was also nominated by CB for trying to catch up with him for a surf but neglecting to tell CB which beach to meet at.  When they eventually found each other, he left his sock and his surfboard behind.  In the end CK, Crime and CB all drank.

It was then that time to cheer on the Hare & Host.  The Hare multiplied, as rodents do, into not just 1 but 3 Hares including CB, Sexpot and Darren with ACDC as the “Host with the Most” making it an even four.

Next week’s run will be held at YNot by Dumbass and Jordan with a Superbowl theme.  It will also be Gayboy and Jordan’s last week at Hash with Gayboy moving to Australia (onya Aussie!) and Jordan heading back to New Zealand.
The Hash Circle was then called to a close and a wonderous feast was bestowed upon us with mouth-watering treats and those lovely cakes for dessert.  The Hash Crew then danced into the night with the help of GM’s Boom Box Car and Godfather’s Ukelele.  A great night was had by all.  Faafetai tele lava ACDC, and welcome again to Jane and David.  

One more thing, look out for Transporter at Hash in two weeks time he will be reciting the Ukrainian Alphabet (as taught by Sexpot) to all in the Hash Circle and will be receiving a double down down if he gets it wrong.
On On.
Desperate Housewife

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