Hash Trash 1657

IT ALL ENDED IN TEARS AT HASH TONIGHT

For the first time in many years the whole Hash was reduced to tears tonight, normally solid unemotional Hashmen reached for the dry corners on their sweaty hash-shirts to wipe their eyes; Hashmeres, even those with a normally ice-cold demeanor towards any Hashman, were blubbing uncontrollably and the wailing could no doubt be heard for miles.

But before the tears the anguish: should we, shouldn’t we; will we, won’t we; can we, can’t we?? The airwaves and blogosphere were full of texts, emails & blogs with Hash mis-management managing to work themselves into a state of hypertension when it was quite clear that we should, we could and finally SassyGirl, our one and only holder of certificates in conciliation (for domestic harmony), masturbation (for personal harmony) and concatenation (joining everyone in harmony), said Yes We Can. The hash bible tells us so; we must and so it was agreed that we would form-up at OTR HQ for a run as we should. What the hash hath joined together let no cyclone warning put asunder. And so there we were, despite the best efforts of mis-management to confuse, confound and generally cock-things-up; the pack was raring to go, no sign of any cyclone on a sultry evening in Apia. And then we knew we were in for more pain and anguish; instead of heeding the sound advice of a venerable old hashman that we should be innovative, we should think outside the hash circle, the GM turned to CB and said you are the hare…. Immediately CB says we’ll just run to Mulinu’u round the back and home gain…. A gently 6km run….. Well we knew at once that this was going to be like a fox with its tail on fire, a whippet after an imaginary rabbit… all we would see would be CB disappearing into the distance, nose in the air, feet pounding the pavement, not a hash cry of “on on” or a welcome hash-pause or hash-halt to be called for the weary stragglers. And so it was; off he went at the speed of light heading for Mulinu’u, within 100 yards the pack was already spread over half a kilometer as the BRB’s tried to work out which way he had gone. On and on he went, not a hash pause or halt, not a turning of the head to check on the pack following… only Tallyho and new boot Darren managing even just to keep him in sight. And then suddenly CB was going the other way again. He had been to Mulinu’u, been round the back, had a ten-second halt and he was off-home again, calling to Tallyho and Darren as he sped-by that he had waited at least ten seconds at his self-proclaimed hash-halt and since there was no sign of anyone he was heading home.

Darren thinking he needed to follow the hare, went round the round-about by the met office while Tallyho went round the back to check on the met-office’s weather forecasting system. But there was no sign of any pieces of seaweed hanging by the met-office door, no wonder they have no idea whether it is going to rain, shine or blow-a-hooley if they are not checking the seaweed; but what's more there are definitely a couple of extra-terrestial dalek-like sheds hidden in the long grass at the back of the met station, that must be where the powers-that-be get their messages from too... Anyway by the time Tallyho reached the main road again Godfather was hoving into sight along with Elli new-boot missus belong Darren. And that was it, what became of the rest of the pack, it had clearly given up and gone back to the keg. All except HotNuts who for some reason suddenly had more energy than sense as he proceeded to continue past OTR towards Aggies only to meet up with Slippery who was also approaching from completely the opposite direction of the run… The pair of them seemed to have some death-wish to be washed-away by the very large swells that were coming into the harbour and breaking with much frothing and foaming over the seawall.

And so to the circle; first up as usual were the new footprints, Elli and Darren who had been encouraged to come by Carnal Knowledge and Erin who came with DawnRaid and Witchdoctor, but they had failed to instruct on the calling of hash names so they too were in the circle.

A veritable pack of retreads followed: Ozzie, HotNuts, Godfather, Slippery, TTG, Jordan, Da Head and Lucca, all had been variously on holiday or general slacking.

Onto history; Ozzie was up for the first convict ship to Botany Bay  in 1788; then in 1861 Georgia joined the Confederacy so our General Custer look-alike Kalolo was in the circle; in 1942 the Poms thrashed the Eyties in Abyssinia (but haven’t beaten them at soccer since), guess who got this one; DumbAs was next up having been picked as the closest living relative to the 1972 occupant of the Russian spaceship and finally Swinger was the closest living relative to the Boston Strangler of 1967……

The only celebrity spotted this week was Gemma, star lawyer at USP, whose closest “friend” happens to be GayBoy, he probably needs more legal advice than most.

Without either Lewinsky or Snake, the usual resident shoe inspectors, it was everyone for everyone, all with keen eyes for those who had had new shoes in their Xmas stockings; so out to the front went Slippery, RingRing, Lucca, Ozzie and Elli all being dobbed for various sorts of new footwear.

The GM then regaled the circle with a tale of dereliction of duty by Tallyho for leaving the Shrine at Witchdoctor’s place two weeks ago, Tallyho’s right-of-reply was drowned out by the baying for blood by the circle. But Tallyho reached into his pocket and pulled out his little fellow and held it up for all to see: this little fellow, dressed in his pirate’s suit was rescued from the mud of Lelata last week and would be placed in the Shrine to remind us of the flood and the cyclone.

The mention of the run two-weeks ago reminded Witchdoctor that the empty keg had been sitting on her deck for the past two-weeks and DaHead was in the circle for leaving the keg uncollected.

Next Sassy complained that a little black piglet was snuffling around her legs, but it turned out to be some sort of cross between a dunny-brush and a flying fox, and Erin the owner of this odd looking creature was in the circle for allowing her animal to give Sassy a thrill.

Some hashmen never learn, so Ozzie and Kalolo were in the circle for leaning and Kalolo got a second for not remembering to remove his hat.

CB was clearly anticipating the wrath of the pack over the run so adopted attack as the best form of defence in accusing RingRing, Sassy and the GM of being SCBs and HotNuts of being overly athletic in not stopping at OTR on the way back and going all the way to Aggies. Jordan was spotted chariot riding on his skateboard so father-and-son were in the circle. DumbAs was also called for getting lost and then for choking on a half cooked-snag.

But he could not get away with it so easily, by general acclamation CB was dragged into the hash circle, no on-on calls, no hash-pause, no hash-halt that anyone actually noticed, confusion about the trail, the litany of woes continued and so CB was slowly worn down by the weight of calumny heaped on him.

At this point the circle’s attention was somehow drawn to the MardiGras, your Scribe rather lost the thread here but suffice to say that Ozzie was dobbed for being spotted watching the said event, GayBoy for not being in the event and CB for wearing a pair of shorts that could well have been worn at the event.

Next the gas for the BBQ ran out so the snags lay there on the slab, slowing defrosting, Crime and DaHead took the punishment for there being no gas

The GM then wanted to know why there was nothing new for the Shrine this week, but the ever resourceful Tallyho had spotted a broken flip-flop on the ground just over the railings, which GayBoy ever eager to throw a leg-over was quick to retrieve; this was duly placed in the Shrine and may be used should there ever need to be some spanking done.

GayBoy then dobbed DaHead for something but, as ever, the story became ever less clear as GayBoy waffled-on, and to think he is going to be some sort of computer programmer in Australia. Sony’s computer games will never be the same again.

Swinger was spotted looking sad and dejected now that BB has departed back to Fiji, the pack felt sorry for him brought him into the circle for a commiseratory DD.

And so the circle was slowly drawing to a close; the GM called Sassy into the circle for sending round confusing messages and trying to cancel the hash tonight, but thankfully duty had prevailed; CB was dobbed for something to do with Gale and Garry and the GM and CB took the hare and host.

At this point Godfather stepped into the circle… “Mr GM I have something to say to the Hash”. Oh dear, thought the old and bold of the Hash circle; when Godfather enters the circle and speaks in that particular grave voice it usually means we are about to be told-off; someone must have complained about the words in the carols on the Xmas run; maybe Lewinsky’s favourite customer, the Police Commissioner, had been listening to our singing this evening and been put off his stroke on the pool table; maybe the chanting of the hash circle had been blamed for the cyclone and floods….. Godfather proceeded in this grave way to retell the history of the hash, of his involvement in the first runs as a young man and promising FRB, of those hashmen and hashmeres who have come and gone, hashmen and hashmeres past and present, through the friendships made and lost, of how there have been good times and bad but the Hash has always carried-on…. Where was this leading, the Hash for once listening in unaccustomed silence, how the GM must have been in envy of this rapt attention .. what was Godfather’s message going to be this was getting serious …. now Godfather was reminding the circle of Sassy’s 50^th birthday run (something which Sassy would no doubt prefer to forget) and then suddenly the declaration was made…. Love had been found on the hash .. the hash-cupid had fired his arrow at Sassy’s birthday run and love had blossomed…. And now Godfather had proposed to TTG who after thinking about it for about as long as it takes the GM to do a down-down, she had accepted. At once the evening air was filled wailing and blubbing by all the hashmeres, even hardened hashmen were seen reaching for the dry corners of their sweaty hash shirts….. the tears flowed, the fluid of sustenance flowed, the uncooked snags lay forlornly on the BBQ…….. and so the hash ended in tears tonight…. Tears of happiness for Godfather and TTG….. watch this space for future announcements…. Oh dear where’s the tissues…. Does TTG have any sisters….?

Tallyho and Toodle Pip