Friday, January 10, 2014

Hash Trash 1707

The Hash was hosted at Swinger’s place in Siusega. There had been relentless rain for the last week, so the smattering of sunshine provided a sense of false optimism for the Hashers, many of whom turned up without spare clothes. Because as soon as the pack was out the gate the heavens opened, the clouds burst, and cats, dogs, elephants, Englishmen all came pouring down. It rained so hard that the drops bounced and caught you on the rebound. My shower isn’t as efficient in drenching! Your Scribe is still incapacitated yet in corpus mentis, and was told the trail followed a basic square around the swinging compound in the sports area. After a few minutes we were greeted with a semi-clothed Slippery carrying Princess Tiger back bundled up in his shirt. Luck for her it was not yet sweaty, but somehow this hero award went unnoticed. The pack returned in drips and drabs, dripping and dragging, unfortunately not welcomed by the sweet nuts of Godfather.

As the GM was crook, Tallyho agreed to step in, and he congratulated the pack on not being fair-weather pussies and that he deeply appreciated the wet t-shirt finale. He first called on the failures, or retreads, to come forward. These were Screamer, FBI, David, Captain Mortein, Slippery, joined by Swinger who tried to dob Malvern (he was there last run). New to Apia Hash was Tara, working at Coral Reef Academy, brought by Screamer. Since she had taken instruction so well, the GM tested her downing skills, which were commendable.

Crash Bandicoot chose this time to cum late and was of course recognized, but this time he sipped like a gentleman. In fact it was probably the first time that a single down down took 5 refrains!
This Day in History Awards went to Tallyho for Ladyfinger (1932 – Martial law is declared in Honduras to stop a revolt by banana workers fired by the United Fruit Company. But Tallyho also knows how to revolt), Zsa Zsa (1978 – The Crown of St. Stephen (also known as the Holy Crown of Hungary) is returned to Hungary from the United States, where it was held after World War II), Lewinsky (1999 – The Senate trial in the impeachment of U.S. President Bill Clinton begins), Swinger (National Bird Day) and Hot Nuts (Feast Day of St Gregory).

Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky (nice story of turtle release from resort in Savaii, with quote that the turtles only feel safe at that resort – QED Stephenson’s is not safe for turtles) and Witch Doctor for Ditch (tragic accident involving a ditch).

Turning to the run Hot Nuts was very not inconsiderably incandescent with rage at the mindless laying of the trail by the Hares. Rule of thumb – when it rains, or drenches, do not lay paper in ditches or gutters, as these are there as conduits for the fluids to flow, and to carry forth what lies in their path. This accounted for the four lost hashers. Swinger attempted a defence, but the GM would have nothing of it, and delivered his judgement in the Old Bailey style, that is sober as a judge. Both brothers took the award.

We had also witnessed a most disreputable display of sporting fervour from FBI and Prince at the finish. Prince, who has on several occasions been recognized as such, now wanted a sportsmanship award for FBI. But rather than spend the next 15 minutes listening to the explanation, the GM cut FBI short and they were both handed this award. It was then noticed that FBI had been carrying his son on his shoulders, and after some debate (2 seconds worth) it was deemed that this was the equivalent of wearing an accoutrement, so FBI returned for another.

Captain Mortein was spotted sitting, and his protest was not abrogated due to the availability of massages from Pirate Princess. Lewinsky nominated Crash for the Ditch Work Award, as he had gone to Savaii ostensibly on business, yet had been pictured swimming on the beach, no doubt scaring turtles, and frolicking with sundry scantily clad females. The fact that this was his daughter carried no weight in Tallyho’s court.

Keeping to his legal theme, the GM recalled how a few weeks ago a hasher had his house broken into by a recidivist from the Tafaigata Hotel, and Crime and Prince took this award, joined by Hot Nuts for incessantly gossiping with the new girl. Then, in the Ashes Award, Slippery for the Oz and Tallyho for the Poms.

A Long Distance Award was conveyed by Poumuli from POD for the Man Award, as Lewinsky had been unable to go fishing and had thus bought his first set of tools to help fix things around the house. When quizzed as to what sorts of tools, Lewinsky responded that these were the twisty things, banging things and squeeze things – a true carpenter!

The Mad Monk of the Apia Hash then appeared, and had been doing some research on the interests and predilections of one of our sometimes members. Malvern is fond of planes, wings all things aeronautical, and is also fond of what the Monk referred to as black action – thus he shall henceforth be known as Black Box.

Witch Doctor had made a bet in the car that Lewinsky wouldn’t get a down down, but of course he did, thus she presented him with the lost bet, a Romeo y Julieta cigar. Lewinsky demurred from demonstrating the “humidor” action.

At new year Swinger and others had been in town, and had been invited by Zsa Zsa to an after party at his house, an invite that was quickly countermanded with new instructions to a place up the hill. Well Swinger and others decamped as the bars closed, only to find that there was no one at the newly designated party zone! In addition Screamer was assaulted by dogs (actually that was rather funny under the circumstances) – Zsa Zsa got the Ghost Host Award.

BB nominated Sassygirl BJ for the heroine award, as she had been at Sinalei and had raised the alarm to save some youngsters drowning, even with several cocktails under her belt. She was joined by BB at the behest of Lewinsky for the Aura Award, as he reckons that Swinger only smiles when she is on the island, and she was complaining about sore knees.

Sassy then nominated FBI for the Perfect Father Award, as his son was joining in the circle cheering and laughing. Screamer wanted a Commitment to Hash Award for Poumuli, for coming to Hash the day before knee surgery, which she joined for causing the knee injury in the first place. Wahoo received a Sympathy Award for her husband injuring himself while cavorting.

Astonishing us with her memory, BB nominated FBI for the Numpty Award for locking his keys in the car and getting his wife to come all the way to unlock them. This required a response, and FBI shared the fact that BB is the most famous hasher of us all, having a chain of coffee houses in NZ called BB’s CafĂ©.

Tallyho brought forth the Hash Shrine, but reported that no articles could be found on the trail as the Hares had set in such a deluged flood plain. While the Hares took the down down, Black Box added a nice leaf to the Shrine, or rather the Pocahontas feather worn by Princess Tiger, muttering something about shredded condoms. On that note BB nominated Black Box for negating to come to a family picnic and instead cavorting on the beach at Manusina with some meres. This ended up as a group award for BB, Black Box, Screamer and Tara. Lewinsky also woke up now, and nominated Prince for his commitment to Hash, as he was supposed to be at a family reunion right now. Actually this should have been a Didn’t Get Invited Award as he only found out when trying to locate Transporter for the Hash Mugs.

The Hares and the Hosts were saluted before their feast was consumed. Lovely chow and good company – what more does a Hasher need or want?

Watch the blog for next week’s run.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

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