Thursday, January 23, 2014

Hash Trash 1709

 “I say Jeeves, what time is this that you drag the honoured Master from the sweetest of dreams?”
“I should venture to say Sir, that the sun has just about reached its zenith and is likely to imminently slide down the other side.”
“About Mid-day then?”
“About that Sir.”
“So Jeeves, what’s on the jolly old agenda for the afternoon then?”
“Well Sir, as the Memsahib is away, the day is in fact yours to command Sir.”
“Hmm…a bit of a Facer then, What?”
“Yes Sir, quite so Sir.”
“What about an afternoon at the Hash? A good old frolic in a convenient bush followed by lewd songs and lots of quaffing?”
“Oh no Sir. I think that is not one of your better ideas, it has taken 2 years for the Hash to forget the last unfortunate incident!”
“True Jeeves, very true. However I am a new man now and that dolphin did in fact recover in the end. The Hash it is, I’ve made up my mind!”
“Yes Sir, shall I run your bath Sir, after all we would want to be fresh for the run wouldn’t we Sir.”

 “Are you sure we have the right place Jeeves? Next to the church thingy?”
“Oh yes Sir, the instructions said quite clearly to meet at the house close to the church at 6 pm precisely.”
“Well….there don’t seem to be anyone about except for that queer looking fellow standing under the tree.”
“Allow me, My Lord to question said fellow.” “No Jeeves, I will take care of this”.

“I say Old Chap, tallyho and all that.” “Yes, I am Tallyho.” “No, I meant tallyho and where’s the Hash?”
“Well I am Tallyho, and I am hosting the Hash.”
“I say!! Jolly good show, but it must be awfully confusing for the chaps when you ride to the hounds, old boy.”

“Right Jeeves, did you listen to the run instructions?”
“Yes my Lord.”
“Well off we go then. Keep an eye on that little Australian fellow. That’s a might big camera he’s got. That chap Manwhore looks a bit dodgy as well.”
“Yes Sir, I shall endeavor to keep a mental note of the proceedings. After you Sir…oh….do watch out for the broken pathway!! Don’t worry Sir, I am sure I will be able to get the stains out.”  “I say Jeeves, this bush is a bit overgrown. It definitely needs a bit of a trim. Did you starch my shorts again Jeeves?”

“It’s one of those cross thingy’s again Jeeves.”
“Yes Sir. Might I suggest we take our ease for a moment while we let Messrs. Manwhore, the Danish chap, Swinger, Crime and the Wallah from Australia search out the trail. I think Eveready is some way behind and I fear for any dogs that might be inclined to attack him, as Eveready is ninja trained.
I do have an excellent Chablis in the hamper Sir. I am sure it will very adequately compliment the cucumber sandwiches. And quite frankly Sir, I would rather lighten the load a little.”
“Oh Tush Jeeves! Don’t be such an old woman. Show some spunk for heavens sake! Onward Jeeves.”

“Here we are Jeeves back safe and sound.”
“Chin up Jeeves, there’s a good fellow. You see, there’s that Norwegian fellow, Poumuli. He looks much worse than you. Mind you, I hear that visiting Mere woman likes a bit of man flesh from time to time, so be on your guard Jeeves.”

 Apologies to any PG Woodhouse fans. The GM Julia Gillard welcomed us to Tallyho’s Castle, and started off proceedings by ordering a down down for Weathercock for not obliging us with better weather. He then dispatched Swinger on a shoe inspection, and he thought he had identified some new ones on one of the visitors, Kalara. However this was deemed a failure, and he was joined by Tallyho for bringing her to the Hash with almost new shoes.

The visitors to the Hash were then brought forward, and these were Murray from Oz, brought by Full Moon and someone called Rissole, Alexia ditto, Kalara also ditto. Manwhore thus took the Bad Instruction/Vindictive Guests Award.

The Retreads were numerous this Hash, Gayboy, Tickled, Weathercock, Lowrider, Mona, Ellen, Cockblocker and Transporter. Lame excuses offered all around.

Gayboy was ordered back into the centre, the GM professing no knowledge of how he could be so cruelly named until today. Wearing a skin tight lycra vest and giving a bad impression of Elle McJr’s low hanging shorts, he had moon-cracked the GM throughout the run. Citing rule number 2 of the Hash, Tallyho demanded to know why the GM was visually perusing Gayboy’s crack. No Poofters on the Hash to both of them.

The GM had spent a weekend at Stephenson’s, and had spotted a sign saying fishing prohibited, yet noticed that it had been amended by “Lewinsky needs all the help he can get”. Lewinsky and Rufie shared the award.

At this point the GM finally realized that we were using old pasta sauce jars, and demanded that Transporter produce the Hash Mugs, which of course he couldn’t – thus a Dolmio Award.
Then the GM launched into a soliloquy on the need for Hashers to lend a helping hand, and in this instance that hand was his, having donated paddles to the canoe club, and instead of acknowledging the assist, the photos only noted Transporter who was joined by Tupou for this award.
We then turned to the Celebrity Awards, which went to Poumuli for Offspring (cyclone Ian headline), Sassygirl BJ (photo from the courthouse), Lewinsky for Da Head (head injuries to be looked into headline).

This Day in History Awards went to Full Moon and Crime (1788 – The first elements of the First Fleet carrying 736 convicts from England to Australia arrive at Botany Bay), Captain Mortein (1917 – The United States pays Denmark $25 million for the Virgin Islands), Transporter (1960 – Little Joe 1B, a Mercury spacecraft, lifts off from Wallops Island, Virginia with Miss Sam, a female rhesus monkey on board), Wahoo and Poumuli (1979 – birthday of Aaliyah, American singer, name of their niece), Lewinsky (1998 – Lewinsky scandal: Matt Drudge breaks the story of the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair on his website The Drudge Report), Pirate Princess and Witch Doctor (2012 – A series of coordinated actions take place in protest against SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) and PIPA (Protect IP Act))

Full Moon wanted to give a Feisty Marketing Award to Overstayer for emailing the Queen and Hugh Grant inviting them to Australia Day at Stephenson’s, but she mucked up on the names so she joined Overstayer for this one. Sassy had become irate for Kiwi AKA Tiger Woody not stepping forward for the retreads, while Godfather was overjoyed for the return of Monica (the bugle). When Kiwi first tried to blow Monica no sound came, but after some inspiration from Lewinsky, who was filling the large mug now, Kiwi let out a ripping reveille.

As often happens, Hashers had been out on the weekend, and Transporter had been particularly impressed by the 70’s dance moves of someone called Kev, except that the dance costume had been without his wedding ring. Both Prince and Transporter took Barry White Award.

Poumuli and some other hashers had been at the horse races on Saturday, and not only had Swinger’s mum set up an illegal gambling table, she also financed her own losses by appropriating Godfather’s winnings. This inspired Sassy to get an Inspirational Award to BB who had gotten her malu tattoo done. Cockblocker was made to join for staring at her BBs when handing her the mug. We have also seen that Sassy has been active in the Enough is Enough campaign, and would have been successful in getting Pirate Princess the Husband Beater Award except for forgetting her name.

Upon arrival at Tallyho’s place many had commented on the large amount of cats roaming his deck, thus Poumuli nominated him for the Wall to Wall Pussy Award. Gayboy produced photographic evidence that he doubles as a pornographer by showing a photo of some boys including Granny Smith. Invoking rule 2, the No Poofters at Hash Award went to Transporter for his disturbingly leering tongue.

Witch Doctor nominated Wahoo and the GM for the Loser Award, for wearing a 49ers cap and betting on them respectively. Weathercock noted that this would be Tallyho’s last time to host Hash for a while. He reminisced of meeting him in Port Vila in 1989, wearing the same shorts and haircut. Godfather also commended him for his service to Hash, and asked to verify that Soft Landing’s bra was still in the Hash Shrine. After this was concluded it was agreed that the handover of the Shrine would happen at next week’s run.

Next week will be hosted by the GM at Ford in Vaitele.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

“That Circle was a bit of a corker wouldn’t you say Jeeves?”
“Indubitably Sir. I particularly liked the GM’s joke about the Hamster. Though I fail to see just how it could have been driving at the time.”
“Never mind Jeeves. Shall we repair to one’s own domicile?”
“As you wish Sir.”
“Damned good fun, What?”
“Enormously Sir!!”

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