Hash Trash 1551

The hash was hosted by Lewinsky at On The Rocks, with gratitude from the whole of Apia Hash for getting us out of a bind of a sick Hare-raiser. It was decided to do a live hare run, which Swinger dutifully took on. He requested that rule 69b be held in abeyance (if a live hare is caught by the pack during the run he may be de-bagged, stripped, abused and violated) which was sort of agreed to. Off he went down Beach Road and the pack gave him the yardage advantage to the corner of the Police HQ on Ififi Street. Poumuli and Dan the Bonebreaker followed closely to try and keep him in sight. Down some side streets, behind some delightfully dirty sheds and back onto Vaea, then past Cappuccino Vineyard and onto the sea wall. Swinger was caught just outside Cappuccino by Dan, and almost got caught by Poumuli. But in an undignified show of athletic prowess Swinger turned on the after burner to avoid being unceremoniously stripped in front of On The Rocks. The pack slowly made their convergence on home, where the keg and Godfather’s sweet nuts awaited.

Poumuli volunteered to be GM, knowing that there were several awards pending that needed avoidance. Also scribing the event provided unprecedented power that was undeniable. There were a few new to Apia Hash – there was Tudorsniffer here in Apia for the first time, and Stacey from Arizona who had been brought by Pirate Princess. The rethreads were Lewinsky, Wahoo, Poumuli and Captain Mortein. Celebrity Awards went to Greenie, SOTB and Titty Galore (closest relative to YNot). The Shoe Inspector Snake did an interesting snarfle to check if Stacey’s shoes were new – they were not, but Godfather reminded that Ninja had avoided his award last Hash due to the cholera risk, so he took it this time – with Coke! In celebration of this year in history, the GM pointed out that today was the feast day of St Anthony the Great and tomorrow is for St Margaret, and called forth any who go by similar names in other circles of life. Not caring for SOTB’s protests at the spelling, SOTB and Fang took their awards.

The GM then enquired of Cockblocker what his idea for a down-down had been viz Swinger, and since this related to chatting attentively with females, the GM decreed that CB needed a Dereliction of Duty/Not Living Up To Hash Name Award, as there had been no signs of blocking. Turning to the run, the GM informed that he had been passed by a Hasher who looked like he would catch the Hare. Said Hasher asked what to do if he did, but didn’t comply with the order to “sod rule 69b”, so Swinger continued the run in dressed comfort. Another Dereliction of Duty Award to Don.

The GM also called out Swinger for speeding up when nearly caught the 2nd time – this time it was for Bringing Hash Into Disrepute – we are not an athletic sporting club, as Tallyho has reminded in the past. The GM then recounted how he had been brought to a wedding celebration only to be made to work to the point of collapse – which resulted in a Wrongful Husband Exhaustion Award to Wahoo. The chattering in the circle was becoming too much at this stage, so the GM awarded CB the Dome of Silence for the duration – didn’t stop the nattering nabob from continuing though, so perhaps we need to get some sort of wheel clamp attached to it. Snake asked where the GM had been able to secure so many interesting and colourful hats, surely it was some Adult Emporium, to which the GM riposted that they had been found during a break-in to Snake’s house while he was in New Zealand. Snake doubled his award by making reference to one of the saints listed above and his surprise that the burglars had found her special drawer.

Opening up for nominations, Pirate Princess nominated Stacey for the Leaving Hash Award as she departs these shores soon. SOTB nominated Lewinsky for his new record breaking landing of a marlin in just 5 minutes, but the GM ordered him to join in for an Open Adulation Award, as he was clearly jealously in awe. Swinger complained that this year the SamoaTel phone directory is half the size, and that it has left out many numbers including his place of work. As SOTB claimed he had quit his job, Swinger had to take the down down. But the GM pointed out that a smaller phone book was a good conservation measure, which is Swinger’s field, so he should have been happy. SOTB joined him through a slip of the tongue when he explained that “we use” rather than SamoaTel uses, hinting that his employment was not entirely at an end. Claire nominated Bruce for an award for whining about his wife’s shopping spree. This backfired as the GM, having gone through the same with his wife could only but sympathize. Wahoo joined the award after slapping the GM! Dogfood was spotted leaning. Lewinsky called for an award for our two newest lifesavers, CB and SOTB.

Godfather then noted that he had requested some Hashers to join him in a commemoration of our dear departed Shafter, but said Hashers SOTB and Lewinsky didn’t show up. Godfather joined them for some reason. Brazilian nominated Wane for putting work before the Hash, and he was joined by Dogfood for leaning yet again. Swinger nominated supposed chief navigator Captain Mortein for getting lost, which resulted in a Pirate Princess GPS Award – clearly some glitch in the software. Claire wanted to nominate a Hash Mere for a Scaredy Cat Award, but this was turned into a non-observance of Martin Luther King Day by the targeted Yank, and when one Yank drinks, all Yanks drink – Lewinsky, Wane, Fang, Lili and Stacey. Trying hard to get a last few out before the closing Claire nominated the French girls for looking so pretty. But Carin is Italian, so Claire joined Ophelie in the award. The host and the hare, Lewinsky and Swinger were saluted in the obligatory manner, with SOTB giving the GM an Achievement Award to close off the circle.

Pizzas had been ordered and served and Lili had brought some nice pastries. Next week the Hash will be at Malololelei, hosted by Poumuli and Wahoo, who will ensure that there is lots of jungle to cross.

At the request of Vai Vai we have included a video clip again, entitled Never Ever Drink So Much That This Happens. Parental guidance is advised.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit