Thursday, May 19, 2011

Some Light Reading

Bored at work, then circulate this one to your friends :)

Effective June 2011

Category 1 – Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we’ll assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may have nicer clothes, and therefore… you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore…. you do not need a pay raise.

Category 2 – Sick Days
1. We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor….you are able to come to work.

Category 3 – Holiday Days
1. Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Category 4 – Compassionate Leave
1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have employees attend to the arrangements.

2. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Category 5 – Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Category 6 – Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat and more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember that we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be used wisely in the three-minute given in ‘Category 5’.

Thank You.

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