Saturday, September 03, 2011

Hash Trash 1584

Greetings Hashers from Singapore where I am enjoying a few moments of credit card peace! Tallyho has drafted his usually erudite, rude and browbeating Trash. Enjoy.
On On

AWOL: Absent without leave; not present when required; skiving when duty calls; afraid of a bit or rain; so where was the usual jostling throng of hashmen and meres all eager to join the weekly AHHH run and imbibing; what a complete bunch of fair-weather wussers you all are. There were no apologies, no lame excuses, no reports of having better offers for the evening, but what could there be that would be better than the hash on a Monday night – yes I know what you are thinking but there’s plenty of time for that after. Your stand-in scribe is ashamed of the lot of you.
But enough about those who failed to show; what about the small but hardy bunch of real hashmen and meres who were there, who braved the lowering clouds and gusting winds, who stood shoulder-to-shoulder blocking the pavement outside HQ1, annoying the regular imbibers who sit on the pavement-tables perving the meres wandering past.
The GM seemed very disappointed at the low turn-out and then he must have realised there would be staka fluid-of-sustenance after so he perked up a bit; the pack of about a dozen or so was called to order and Godfather led the way past the AHC on a guided-hare (as oppose to live-hare) run. A left by JICA found the pack face-to-face with a locked gate, so back to Beach Road and down through the Methodist Bookshop and then past Sunshine Restaurant, hang a few rights and lefts and eventually past Lucky’s down to the Tokelau Office to check on AC/DC but no sign of him. Another hang-left, which in the old days would have taken the pack through some of the shiggier bits of Sogi blocked-off, so back to the road, down the flea market and on home.
Not having to keep a watchful eye for the trail this week gave your scribe some time to let his thoughts do the wandering up false trails. It occurred to your scribe that there had been a lot of “letters to the editor” in the Observer about sodomy and adultery, and effectively this week the pack had been turned back as we tried to enter two back-passages that were blocked off. An omen indeed. I would therefore like to suggest that those who wrote those letters to the paper, and who are so against sodomy and adultery, should be invited to join the hash. After all, in-so-far as there are any rules on hash, Rule 1 says: No Poofters on hash; and Rule 2 says to refer to Rule 1, but if one goes to the original Hash Commandments (handed down on the back of a table-napkin –the original hashmen were gentlemen and the tradition continues - all those years ago in Kuala Lumpur), it also states quite clearly that “A Hashman shalt not covet a fellow hashman’s mere”. Now, of course, the hash is also all for good (if usually chaotic) governance, gender equality (especially in DDs), very open to democratic principles, (we elect our mismanagement every year even if it’s not exactly a secret ballot); we have no prejudices about people with strange habits (we shall always welcome Steakman back); we take exercise in healthy ways, we consume a very healthful and performance enhancing beverage, at least I am sure that was what Vailima told us in their advertising in the past; we all like apple pie and love our mums. The hash must therefore be the perfect place for all those grumpy old farts who appeared to be writing themselves into an almost orgasmic frenzy against sodomy and adulterers. They should feel perfectly at home with us. Perhaps we should write to the Observer offering them sanctuary. But of course the hash is also a place of inclusiveness and forgiveness and therefore the hash is happy to welcome all cummers including faafaafines and adulterers (just as well) as long as they are not rooting another hashman or another hashman’s mere or both, well at least not while they’re on the run.
By the time the pack returned a few of the usual late-cummers and out-of-the-woodwork-crawlers had arrived trying to pretend that they had been working or been on-the-job late in the office, so the pack had increased to about two dozen or so with a few others sneaking in during the proceedings. With a full keg and a relatively small turnout this was always set to be a big night for DDs.
Up first were virgins Sean, Shane and Nicki from NZ doing the cooking at Aggies, so the guests were obviously having sandwiches tonight.
The bunch of failures and retreads included Home & Away and Sudso (returning for the first time in ten years and surprised to find Snake, Godfather and Tallyho still looking so sprightly); Laurie, an original “first-footer” for AHHH from 1980 and therefore held in great reverence but the assembled pack, Sassy-girl, Crash, and Seismic who tried to sneak-in late.
There were celebrity awards for Slim Shady and for POD & Lewinsky for coupling in the grandstand at Apia Park.
The day-in-history involved some references to atomic bombs and Russia, awarded to Sean who said he was from Poland which is geographically next to Russia although your Scribe doubts there’s much other affinity; Crash for looking like Michael Jackson – don’t ask me I only record this stuff; Godfather for paddling backwards (or something like that) and Tallyho for representing some grand achievement by a great and glorious Englishman from the past.
The dobs and awards then started to come so thick and fast that your Scribe could hardly keep up with recording names let alone reasons; so we started with Lewinsky for the venue and GM for persuading Lewinsky to provide the venue; then came Snake, Home&Away, Hookalua, SassyGirl, Shane, Yuki, Ben and SassyGirl (again).
The New Shoe inspector spotted the GM (specially bought for the perimeter run), Laurie (not surprising if he last ran in 1980), Sudso (first new shoes Home&Away had bought her since 2001) and Yuki.
Awards for service to the hash went to: Tallyho (Acting Scribe), Slippery (Hashflash), Crash (for bringing the mugs), and Crash and Delicious for conceiving a junior hashman in the making.
Hideo and Kyoto were awarded an award for not having yet received an award when just about everyone-else had had at least two awards during the evening. The Samurai would have been proud of them.
An unsuspecting Aussie couple on holiday who had been staring wide-eyed at the proceedings were dragged into the circle and told by the GM that the hash was an ancient Samoan secret society (or something like that) and that if they wanted to get out they had to do a DD. It seemed a small price for them to pay to be able to observe such a culturally (in)sensitive spectacle.
There then followed a quick Double DD for Tallyho and DD for Lewinsky, Shane, Snake, Hookalua, Laurie and the Hare n Host, Snake, Home & Away, Sudso, Godfather and Armstrong (a late-cumming, non-running virgin working for UNDP).
The GM then called a final award and hash naming for Laurie (Ground Zero) and mere-blong-him Diane (9/11).
By this time the keg was finally beginning to float and many of those who had been called to account appeared to be in a similar state!!
On on and toodle pip


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