Hash Trash 1647

Only the brave dared to face the weather for Hash 1647. Hosted by Sexpot and Desperate Housewife at the Apia Yacht Club. Palolo season had certainly arrived, meaning rain, rain and more rain. The run started with the usual..circle to order, explanation by Crime the Hare, and On On following paper. The run led us around the seawall towards sails and around Mulinu'u point. Lucky for all the heavy rain from earlier had subsided as we entered the muddy parts of the mangrove patch. After a brief foray around the back of the Court and government building the trail led on to the main road where the paper trail went dead. Apparently this was the run and it was On Home. Very short even in hash terms. CB lead those that were enthusiastic enough further down the road towards the fish market cutting through the empty handy craft stalls and back along the sea wall to the yacht club, where we were greeted with a torrential down pour and a 100m swim to finish. The run was enjoyed by all with the built up thirst washed away with God Fathers sweet nuts.

The GM of the evening, POD called the Hash Circle to order. There were 7 Newbies (again a bunch of med students) – they’re breeding like rabbits! Their names were James, Gibbo, Liana, James the II, Neil, Nira all from London (apologies for any misspelling or misinformation), also Swinger brought a friend along (unfortunately the scribe didn’t catch his name so we’ll call him Mr X). Mr X did manage to award Swinger a down down due to calling him by his real name.

Rethreads were next to be called up and they included Dumbass (who had been overseas), Crash and Delicious. We never got to hear their excuse for not coming as Godfather started playing the Down Down Song already. Little Luana joined in the down down too (good to see them starting early). Fireman Sam then was called up for avoiding the rethread call up. At the same time The Head arrived so was given the Latecummer award, so they drank together.

Many celebrities this week due to the Vailima Halloween Party and the two page spread in the Sunday Samoa showing numerous Hashers in Halloween Costume. Godfather, Titty G, POD, Lewinsky, Crash, Delicious, CB & DMT.

This Day In History went to: James as the UK rep - The game Monopoly was introduced by Parker Bros company in 1935. Mr X (Swinger’s Mate) – 1963 Archeologists found the remains of Viking Settlement in Newfoundland US. Ozzy – 1977 Ozzy Osbourne quits Black Sabbath only to rejoin a few weeks later. Lewinsky – 1998 President Clinton had to answer 81 questions for the House Impeachment Inquiry regarding Ms Lewinsky (“I did not have sexual relations with Ms Lewinsky.”) Zsa Zsa – 1999 a 12 day conference on global warming attended by delegates from 170 nations ended in Germany (SPREP).

GM didn’t muck around as she then went straight into GM’s awards. Hornithologist was nominated as when going to pay her Hash Cash she put her real profession Ornithologist instead of Hornithologist.

Twin Peaks did a check for new shoes. Nira had lovely bright pink shoes which everyone thought were new but she said she had them for ages and for Twin Peaks to smell them to authenticate her story. Even though they were new to Hash, she didn’t have to drink out of them or else all newcummers to Hash would be required to do the same, and that might not make us very popular.

Gayboy was quick to point out that Godfather, who wore his reef shoes to run in, would be require to drink out of them. Godfather rose to the occasion and took the down down.

Today was given a drink due to joining in a touch rugby game with the locals during the run.

Another Latecummer dropped in Jordan, and whilst he was coming to the circle, Delicious, Brent and Annie were all caught leaning so at least Jordan had some company whilst having his down down.

Andrea was called up to have a drink for her last Hash before returning to Wellington.

The Antisocial Award went to both newcummers James and James the II, nominated by Brent for running with an ipod.

Gayboy nominated Godfather for the frightening the bejesus out of him at the Halloween Party.

The Volunteer Award when to Crime nominated by Transporter who spotted him being a security guard for Italiano Pizza on Saturday night. He had actually had one Vailima too many and passed out outside the shop.

Angry Bird Handover was awarded from Last week’s Angry Bird Sexpot to CB. When he had to reverse CB’s car to get the BBQ out, he saw an axe in there. CB revealed that he has actually used the axe in a road rage confrontation. Sexpot had to have a down down as well though as he had not been wearing the Angry Birds attire the whole night (which is a Hash rule).

Prick of the Week time, and Gayboy was quick to nominate a certain Bank Manager because he wanted a loan and did not get one. The Bank Manager was quick to point out that Gayboy couldn’t be trusted to pay back the loan so GM put a vote to the Hashers to see who they would trust more and to Gayboy’s chagrin, he was the one to be drinking out of the Prick Glass. He had to shut his eyes when drinking out of the cock mug.

A down down went to Dumbass for being the BBQ Boss of the night.

Finally the Hare and Hosts, Crime, Sexpot and DH were called up and had their drink.

Then Godfather mentioned the Walk for Life 3km walk on Saturday. Then said he should have a down down for not thanking everyone for coming on Wednesday night to the Halloween Party at Ynot.

Next week’s run is open. We are looking for a Host if there are any takers.

On On.

Hash Run 1647

Appinoon from Port Vila
Hash will be hosted by Desperate Housewife and Sexpot at the Apia Yacht Club in Mulinuu. If you cant find that then you have no place in Hash. Just follow Beach Road as far as it goes and its on the right with a big bloody sign. Not sure of the catering arrangements but surely DH will put something in the chat if needed.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1646

Greetings from Vanuatu - excellent trash provided by Desperate Housewife.

Lukim me yu

Poumuli, IKA Slt

This week’s Hash Run was held at Twin Peaks place off Bank Street.  As there was no set course, Tallyho in the role of GM nominated CB to be the Hare.  So off we went following the Hare down slippery roads towards the jungle below.  Many of us realising going down meant having to come back up.

Later in the run, CB gave the Hasher’s two options:  the shorter route which was led by Ring Ring, or the longer way led by CB.  All the softies went with Ring Ring, whilst the tougher ones went on, knowing that they had a long hill on the way back.  The shorter route ended up near Myna’s, the longer out near SPREP.

No major events during the run except maybe Sexpot stomping in puddles to drench Desperate Housewife (now you know why she’s desperate!).  Everyone returned safely and a lot hotter and tired than the outset. 

After a few pre-Hash Circle beverages, the Circle was called to order with GM Tallyho calling it the Full Moon Hash, luckily the moon in the sky was the only “moon” we saw that night, the exhibitionists were subdued.

The newbies were called up first and they included 3 med students.  Bruce and Sarah from Scotland,  and Lauren from Australia.  They are all here for 4 weeks.  As it was a full moon hash Tallyho thought it fitting they had a down down as a welcome to Hash.  They were introduced to Hash by another Med student Pete, who then gallantly took another down down because Lauren wasn’t told the rules and was wearing her hat whilst doing her down down.  You med students need to brush up on the Hash rules before coming to Hash next week!

Rethreads including Zsa Zsa (was travelling to many countries), Brent & Annie (who followed the rumour that the White Sunday Hash was in Savaii and were waiting for everyone to turn up), Paul & John (who both returned home), and Yours Truly (DH) who was living it tough in Noosa and Fiji.

Tallyho then presented to the circle the “Hash Shrine” (a banged up washing basket with lots of trinkets collected from previous Hash Runs).  The latest addition a pair of runners from the White Sunday Run at Tafatafa.  Although there was a lot of interest in them, no claims were made.  Due to the fear of maybe having to drink out of them as a form of punishment for lack of responsibility over one’s property.

This Day in History did not happen due to the uncertainty of who was to be Scribe (and due to lack of internet at DH’s house) – Bluesky!!  Down Down for SOTB when he returns, or maybe closest living relative?

At this time a Latecummer was spotted in the form of the almighty Sassygirl.  She was delayed due to solving the world’s problems (global warming, world peace, etc).  She was given a down down along with Ladyfinger who was desecrating the Hash Shrine!

Shoe Inspector Lewinsky was called to inspect the Hasher’s shoes.  After the run none really looked like new, but Brent owned up and downed his beer even after running through pig excrement.

The Celebrity Award went to three people this week.  Sexpot for an article in the paper (offering loans to Fallen Women), Emily and Lucy for two newspaper articles (for their role in surf lifesaving) and GF for the Media Trifecta – newspaper, radio and television.  Gayboy tried to call in Tallyho for a celebrity award after taking a photo of a box in Ah Liki’s full of Tallyhos but Tallyho claimed Double Jeopardy saying that it was mentioned in last week’s Hash.

Tallyho then pointed out that three short-term Hash Members – the med students -  were good enough to wear Hash t-shirts and then went on to scold all the regular Hashmen and Meres for not wearing their Hash shirts.  He rewarded the med students with a drink.

The floor was then open for nominations regarding the run in which Desperate Housewife nominated Sexpot for the Wife Bashing Award for the puddle stomping in which she ingested pothole mud – mmmm mmmm!  Sexpot also got the child abuse award for punching his daughter’s two front teeth out (that’s what she told a plane passenger when he asked what happened to her teeth).  In turn Lewinsky was given a congratulatory down down for NOT getting the bad parent award as per usual.

One of the medical students, Shaun, nominated a Hashmere Andrea for being seasick on DMT’s boat, not in the toilet but the SINK and leaving a towel to cover it and forgetting to take it off the boat once they returned to dry land.  Shaun did not call DMT by her Hash name, so he got a down down for that mistake.

A Newlywed Nomination went to Top Shelf and her beau Mr Topshelf (David) who made an honest woman of her.

Sassygirl nominated Hashmere Tomorrow as she saw a photo of Sassy on facebook and said that she liked her hips, when it was actually Sassy’s derriere. Prince was quick to pipe up, telling us ignoramus that the Japanese word for hips and butt are the same.  Then Twin Peaks started banging on about upskirting in Tokyo and he was called up.  So in the end all three, Tomorrow, Prince and Twin Peaks all had a down down.

Sassy then proceeded to nominate Ladyfinger for calling her a genius (which she thought was baloney).  Ladyfinger explained by saying that Sassy manages to deflect down downs from herself to others, in particularly Ladyfinger.

Gayboy tried to nail Lewinsky with a nomination from last week involving Lewinsky’s sore hips from being bashed by POD, but it was old news.  However they both got a down down for taking a short cut on this run.

The Inspiration Award went to Emily nominated by Sassy for her epic swim from Le Lagoto to Stevensons.  Well done Emily!

Twin Peaks nominated Pomuli’s dog Murdoch for a down down for being a pain but this backfired as he was looking after him and so was the closest living relative.

Zsa Zsa won Entertainer Award for keeping Lucy’s boss entertained all night.  He said he was playing his “instrument” for 200 people that same night.  Busy man our Zsa Zsa.

CB was done for hoovering the food whilst the Hash Circle was still going on.  (No wonder there wasn’t much left come chow time).  Lewinsky got the “Eagle Eye Award”, for catching CB in the act.

Prick of the Week nominations were called and Sexpot, still sore from his double down down, was quick to call out Desperate Housewife, who came back by nominating him and calling on a vote from the fellow Hashers as to who would get it.  Voting was about to take place when Prince came out with the best nomination of Lewinsky:  for making Prince and Transporter have drinks with him and making them shout even though they were both drinking beers and Lewinsky vodka and soda.  So Lewinsky said he would make it up to them by shouting the next round – shots of Bicardi 151 (ethanol).  Prince and Transporter struggled with the shots but Lewinsky downed his effortlessly.  He later revealed that his shot was water.  Lewinsky refuted this and said that everyone drank the same and he can just handle it better.

Tallyho said that we are all making Lewinsky fat because we are all drinking at his establishment.

We then cheered the Hare and Host, CB and Twin Peaks.

Sassygirl then made an announcement about the upcoming Halloween night at Y-Not supporting Lifeline Samoa and also mentioned shirts for the walkathon supporting the same organisation.  The Walkathon is being held on the 10^th November.  Contact Titty G, Gayboy and CB for more details.

Next week’s Hash is being hosted by Sexpot and Desperate Housewife at the Apia Yacht Club.

 On On.

Desperate Housewife

Hash Trash 1645

Greetings all from Auckland Airport


Well it was a perfectly shitty day with heat and rain and I had intended to write this trash in the manner of an American schoolgirl but will do that some other time. Too bitter about having to leave early to go to Wantok land. Anyway the run was set out in Lotopa, we were a bit confused as to the god-awful directions given by the GM, but we all arrived on time for a late start. We should have waited another hour. Off we set out, Tallyho and Poumuli leading the field, but as SOTB had set the trail, we soon found out it was a son of a bitch trail. Several false turns and the humidity was killing. Since this is hurried I wont go into more details but one day we will hoist him by his own petard.

After receiving sustenance from Godfathers sweetest nuts, SOTB called the circle to order. New to Apia Hash was Marion who is doing a research project on media capability. Since she was able to cover herself on the question of who had made her come, GM gave her a down down. The rethreads were Poumuli (Barbados), Siv (shin splints), Karaoke (breastfeeding), Ring Ring (busy line) and Goldfinger (doctoring).

The shoe inspector, Lewinsky tried to pick on Marion, but the GM took pity in his all-too-cruel heart and made the inspector do the award. He was joined by Cockbloker for not paying attention and talking too much. Celebrity awards went to Proboner (closest living relative The Head) and SOTB (had been acknowledged at a UN meeting, via text from Lowrider). Tallyho added in that Eveready had been featured in the ads for some shady photoshop, as well as Sassygirl BJ being in a SHA photo telling all and sundry that Savaii is hell and back.

This Day in History Awards went to CB (1720 Pirate Calico Jack captured), Tallyho (1805 Battle of Trafalgar), Cam (Labour Day NZ), Ozzie Osbourne (1996 first Ozzfest), Lewinsky (Mr Personality show with Monica cancelled) and Poumuli (International Stuttering Awareness Day).

The GM, having set the run was hanging back while we were sweating, so he had observed some hashers being slack bastards waiting for the Hash Meres to find the trail, so Cam. Gayboy and Shawn were given the Waiting on The Corner Award. Also a Hash Mere had been enthusiastic about the run but had ended up following the wallowing GM was given the Buttwatching Award – Goldfinger.

Some may have seen the BBQ that was happening in town, promoting some silly bank, and the GM had taken special note that the Hash BBQ was being used. Dave got a double for leaving it a mess. On a related note a hasher had got himself shitfaced on Friday, then the next day complained about hurting ribs. Obviously POD had kicked the shit out of Lewinsky, so she took the Justified Revenge Award, assisted by Marcus, who got doubled for pissing on the Hare’s Trail. This must have been the fastest skull seen in hash since Lesbian Vampire Killer!

Finally, the GM turned his attention to the Keeper of The Hash Mugs, who still hasn’t provided the fancy box that he has been promising, so Transporter got a Dereliction of Duty Award. Opening up for nominations, never a good idea when Sassy is around, Poumuli was immediately targeted for his shirt from the Durban Hash which had something about sex on it, being a bachelor while Wahoo is in NZ. Quickly regaining his wits, Poumuli tried to get both the GM and Cam for pissing on the trail, but Cam came out worse for wear.

Tallyho waxed eloquently about how the hash was a great respecter of age, but Bruce had been leaning the whole time and this was enough for Tallyho. CB had observed a smashed up car accident that had apparently been caused by Gayboy.

In a rather typical manner, Transporter had been chatting to Prince about a night out with the boys, and this was apparently when Lewinsky’s ribs had been brutalized. Apparently Lewinsky had forgotten that he had been on the town with Prince! Alzheimer’s Award to the dumbass.

Keeping up the pressure, Tallyho had met Prince in the supermarket, and seeing that all he was buying was beer wine and cat food, had been told that while his lady was away to keep away from the pussy. Transporter had a long evening ahead.

Poumuli had been observing some of the BBQ chicken ending up on the floor, and had been shocked to hear restaurateur Gayboy declaim that it was OK just wash it a bit! This became the Prick of the Week Award, which Gayboy spewed when his nuts were tickled.

POD nominated those who were leaving us – Cam, SOTB and Shawn, while Cam presented a photo to Lewinsky in an obvious romantic manner calling him the best looking taxi driver in Samoa. While a blindness award was called for the GM was too drunk by now to notice.

Godfather presented some shoes that had been left behind at the last hash. As no one claimed them they were placed in the Hash Shrine. He also had to postpone his big confession as he had not yet got the gumption up for it.

Siv tried to do a promotional for the Valia song award, which of course backfired. Godfather’s pitch for the Walk For Life however was fine.

The Hare and the Hosts, SOTB, Siv, Lucy and Emily were saluted and then we ate. Lots. After the dinner Tallyho led us in the Hash Anthem to salute our departees, much to the amusement of the neighbourhood.

Next week will be hosted by Bruce on Bank Street, and your Scribe will be in Port Vila

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1646

Talofa Hashers
Mondays run is being hosted by Bruce up on Bank Street in Vaoala. It is just up the road from where Zsa Zsa's place was in Vaoala on Bank Street.

If you follow the map below, and just go up to the top of that road, the house is on the right at the end

The hosts are providing a spread tonight so no need to bring anything for the BBQ. Run will start at 1730Hrs so be on time and dont forget your hash cash..there will also be a keg there tonight...

We are still looking for a Hare, but hopefully it  will be resolved. We will also need a volunteer Scribe for the next two weeks.

I am off to Wantok Land
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1645 - With Emily and Lucy at Lotopa

Good Morning All,

Next weeks hash run is being hosted by Emily and Lucy at Lotopa. The hosts have kindly offered to have us over for the run and will be providing a spread for us. If you feel you wish to contribute to the spread, dont be shy and bring something with you.

As we have Day Light Savings, we will start the run at 5:45pm. We will have a keg, softies and sweet nuts on Monday also. Please make sure you bring your hash cash on Monday and have a great weekend!

Map is below for Directions

On On

Hash Trash 1643

Malo lava Hashers,

Yet another Monday has come and gone. Although with no news of a host all week, hashers thought they may have had to resort to a quiet night in until Tally Ho kindly offered to host in Siusega. This weeks run, #1643 set by Tally Ho proved to be a challenge. As the 6pm chime sounded, it was out the gate towards the right. A turn off up a dirt road and hashers were met by a steady uphill run in the warm afternoon sun. In the lead were CB and Sexpot, kindly letting the new medical students take responsibility for the first of the falsies only to learn that they weren’t actually looking out for a flour trail. It was back to a run through the long grass. Soon however, hashers started dropping off one by one, taking short cuts between interchanging streets and making their way back to Tally Ho’s using only the scent of Godfathers nuts to guide them home.  Finally after a grueling run (thanks to a number of falsies), moving past plantations, dogs and curious neighbours, we made it back up the hill, following the flour trail to find Tally Ho’s house and Godfathers sweet refreshments. 

Upon catching their breath, all were called to order by GM (SOTB) and a circle (or the rounded rectangle, some would say) was formed. Newcomers were asked to introduce themselves; both Paul and Masi came with Top Shelf. While the medical interns had invited more of their own and Krystal, Rachel and Ben (all from Aus) were introduced to the circle.  The Rethreads included Probono (with no excuse), Titty G (away on a romantic holiday), David (playing rugby), Benj (family responsibilities), DMT (returned from Australia with a new addition to the family), and finally Peter and Peter (Clapper) (returning to Samoa for a reunion).  All graciously took a down-down as a welcome back to the circle. Ozzy was then awarded for his new shoes to hash.

Celebrities this week were Snake for the pacific boa found in Fa’atoia, Top Shelf and Emily as teaching representatives for Teachers Day, Sassygirl BJ for a full frontal incident and DoMeTwice for being caught in Rock the Boat’s advertising.  While the Day in history awards went out to Paul (from the USA) as this day in 1971, the Great Chicago Fire burned, Crash for Fiji day on Wednesday and an ozzie representative Shaun for Paul Hogan’s birthday. Lastly, to the disappointment of many Lewinsky passed a down-down for the fact that the US House of Representative initiated Clinton’s impeachment enquiry on this day in 1998, luckily however Benj stepped in.  

It was then birthday time and in great harmony the circle sang while both Snake and SOTB (GM) stepped up for their birthday awards.

Fred from Vailima was up next, and rightly so. The evenings keg was giving everyone trouble and caused many to waste much of its content. So the Prick of the Week was awarded . Lewinsky then commented how he had prepared himself a large glass earlier in the evening and briefly left it on the keg only to have it stolen by a cheeky hasher. Camm came forward to take a down-down for the injustice.

It seems that signs of affection cannot be shown on a hash run and as Top Shelf and David were found to be holding hands throughout the run, both were nominated. Sexpot joined them as he was seen pinching Lewinsky’s butt along the trail (although disappointed as he was aiming for POD).

Ozzy followed shortly after for the fact that he was the closest hasher to strangler who had gotten himself lost on the roads earlier that week. And speaking of lost, two of the newcomers went astray during the run so both Krystal and Rachael were awarded the lost Aussie award.

The previous week proved to be one full of challenges for parents. Lewinsky and POD were nominated for swapping their oldest child for a Hilux (although they believe she was kidnapped), Sexpot was nominated for locking his son in the car while he enjoyed a beer and when asked if he knew the boy pressed up against the window, he replied ‘that’s my son’. Sexpot replied that it was in fact true but only at the request of TallyHo. All voted that both drink. While POD was awarded again for partying three days in a row and leaving the kids at home each time.

It was time for GM to bring the circle to an order once again and discuss responsibilities. This included a friendly reminder regarding traveling safe on the roads. Australian reps were asked to enter the circle as the only connection to the AFP. Since they have arrived the police have been out in force, well lately anyway. The medical students then nominated Fred from Vailima the Charity award for graciously shouting them drinks throughout their visit. Fred must not have been listening to GM’s talk on responsibility.

Conversation switched back to the run and TallyHo took a down-down for finally dressing in something decent. However surely this wouldn’t be a problem if the HashMary’s would stop having a cheeky look after each run. POD nominated Gay Boy for his excessive shortcutting, which he drank apprehensively (not wanting to cause any trouble on the roads), to which the circle responded ‘don’t worry Gayboy, we’ll visit you in jail’. Weathercock received the telefonis interuptus and Sassygirl BJ nominated herself for the Blonde award, not being able to operate her thermostat for her entire time in NZ. Peter than shared an insight into GM’s birthday weekend where GM was caught in the same clothes for two consecutive days.

In true Hash tradition a portion of medical interns, Chris, Jeff and Tom received a farewell in the form of the Hash Anthem – with Fang, Sassygirl BJ, Emily, POD and DMT joining them for the song. Shrine Master (Tally Ho) reminded each hasher about the importance of the Shrine and introduced a bugle for the GM to use to bring the circle to order (will it be loud enough?? We’ll just have to wait and see).

Some late entries for the night were nominations for young Jacks with his parentals taking a down-down for his first time at hash. Scott for wanting a break and having a seat, Ben from Aus for being a newcomer and last but definitely not least Titty G for looking after Godfather, whisking him away for a hard earned holiday to Aus (there were murmurs of souvenirs from the romantic holiday appearing at the next run).

It was time for Angry bird to find a new roosting spot and after great debate Tally Ho, who would’ve held onto it for another week passed it to Swinger. Why? Well no one really understands, but the argument was that Swinger proved too quiet a hash man for the evening. Finally Tally Ho joined him for being both hare and host and all were invited to tuck into the BBQ goodies.

Thank you for another great run. Next weeks run will be at the beach for the White Sunday long weekend. It will be an early afternoon run – check the blog again for more details.

 On On

Lucy

Hash Run 1644- White Sunday Run - Tafatafa Beach

Good Afternoon All,

White Sunday's Hash Run will be at Tafatafa Beach, but not at the normal Tafatafa Beach that we usually go to. This is where we had our last run at Godafther's cousin's Beach Fales. The turn off is before the main Tafatafa Road.

As it is a public holiday on Monday, we will start our run at 2pm which will then give us ample time for other activities, down downs, swimming, etc.

For the Food, we would ask that everyone bring something, either meats to throw on the bbq or salads to contribute to the spread on the day and Miss management will also be supplying some other goodies on the day. We will have softies, sweet nuts and of course, the sweet nectar of life...Vailima!

If you are looking to party harder, then please bring your extra beers or poison of your choice in the event we run out of beer for hash so you can carry on at the beach.

Looking forward to seeing you all there. If you get lost on the day, you can contact the GM on 7600800 or 7500767

On On

Hash Run 1643 - BYO Food Run @ Tally Ho's in Siusega

Good Morning All,

Tonight's hash run will be a BYO at Tally Ho's Castle up in the fine hills of Siusega. He has kindly offered his castle as our venue for tonight's run. Please remember this will be a BYO Food for the BBQ, so please make an effort to bring something to contribute to the spread.

The run will start at 1745hrs (or even as late as 1800hrs), seeing as we have a bit more day light now in the evenings. We will have softies and a Keg (yes, only 1 this week) and sweet nuts for after the run.

Please dont forget your hash cash $15 and a change of clothes.

See you all there!

On On

Hash Trash 1642

Talofa Hashers

I was intending to write this in the biblical style again just to confuse Sexpot, but time is not on the side of those that dwelleth on climate change. Hence I shall limit myself to just the facts, ma’am. Well as we all know that doesn’t happen.

The Hash was hosted by Gayboy at one of his many camouflaged “residences” in Vaitele. We never got to the bottom of what sort of “residencing” was being encouraged at this one, as the usual conspicuous red doors were absent, or had been re-painted hurriedly. As it is now daylight savings time again, we were all awaiting gloomily the return to base of the Hare, Tallyho. We were greeted by a most wretched sight, as Tallyho was not only totally drenched in sweat, but said sweat had co-mingled and congealed with the flour he had used to set the trail. He was also out of breath for a change, so this most unusual apparition told us to turn right and follow the trail. He also gave precise directions on his methodological madness in that if you hit a cross, go back to the checkmark (a circle), if you see three marks in a row you are on the trail, unless you hit a cross, and if there are no marks you are off the trail. Sounded easy enough, but the still pungent heat of the fields, workshops and road made for an early stream of sweat to cloud FRB Poumuli’s sight, so he missed the first cross. Back down the first road and into the bush. We interchanged between a whole bunch of roads after that, up and down the armpit of Vaitele, the heat quite stellar. A few times the trail was lost, until a screaming Tallyho appeared out of somewhere and cajoled us in the right direction. Dehydration was imminent when we recognized the little shop near Gayboy’s, and many speeded up in the hopeful expectation of solaced tongues being quenched by Godfather’s ever-sweet nuts. We were not disappointed!

SOTB the GM called the circle to order as soon as he had recovered sufficiently from his ordeals on the trail. Newcomers to Hash were Shawn and Scott from Oz, who are hospital interns. The GM gave them a down-down to test their mettle, but then he recalled that they had been brought to Hash by Lewinsky, who was given the Charitable Award. And then another, as he had forgotten to remove his sunnies.

In a breach of order, the GM then requested Tallyho to explain the plastic bin that had been placed in the circle, or rather the Apia Hash Shrine, as this will now be called. Tallyho spake in tongues about placing Hash memorabilia in this Shrine, such as a spoon left behind, or the elastic from Lowrider’s panties that he had somehow come into possession of, as well as a rock from Snake’s. As Tallyho was pronounced Shrinemaster, he was given a celebratory award.

The Rethreads were Snakebite, Venom, Fang, Hot Nuts, Nutcracker, Godfather and Evelyn. Several implausible explanations were given and should perhaps have been noted. Snake was sent on his shoe inspection, and after several near misses pounced upon his own son and Baby Divine, which made for some interesting imagery. Crash Bandicoot took Baby’s down-down through her tiny jandal, while Snakebite did his with some sort of orangeade.

Celebrity Awards went to Transporter (his great-uncle Bruce Lee was the subject of a TV documentary), Bruce (standing in for FBI being in the paper, and being the recipient of many a FBI award), SOTB (for Sassygirl BJ in the paper twice, so a double) and Tomorrow (for being on TV for JICA and speaking rather fluent eloquent English).

This Day in History Awards went to Goldfinger (1928 discovery of penicillin), Poumuli (1903 his school re-opened at new grounds), Snake and Hot Nuts (Feast Day of St Gregory the Illuminator), Tallyho (1969 Concorde also breaks the sound barrier) and Lewinsky (2001 Clinton loses his law license for his perjury in the Lewinsky case).

The GM turned his attention to the run, and noted like Sexpot that worries did arise with Hashers possibly getting lost. Lo and behold a couple turn up looking like they were having some fun in the bushes. A Get A Room Award to Dave and Alicia. In the same vein, another Hash couple had been observed slipping into the actual back room, so Crash and Cougar were given a repeat award. Cockblocker joined as he had tried to stop them and failed, hence a Not Living Up to Hashname Award.

We were most gratified when a second (half) keg arrived, but as this is Hash no good deed goes unpunished so Fred got a joint Advertising Award (Vailima car) and an Honorary Dumass Award (for having his name on a cardboard hanging from his rear-view mirror to enable car re-location). Cockblocker then received his Fatherhood Award finally.

Those who had electricity on Sunday had been treated to a marvellous Argentina-All Blacks game, so the GM chose Karaoke to rep the Pumas and Cam for the Kiwis. Much in line with the keen eye he requires as a banker, Sexpot observed that most people tell the time by consulting a clock or a watch. But Gayboy, deviance from norms being his forte, had a poster of a clock instead. 

Poumuli had been intrigued to overhear a Hash Mere describe how much she enjoyed running behind Tallyho, with his bouncing flowy locks like a cape flying behind him. Top Shelf took the Perving Award in a manner described by Tallyho as a good swallow. This being a bit of a dry season, Transporter had been disturbed to see a fellow burning grass and trash on the run, especially as none of our volunteer firemen had stepped in to warn him. SOTB received the Dereliction of Duty Award. Some people just want to see the world burn!

Upon arrival at the house some of us had observed a car parked in a fairly strategic spot by the gate, but Gayboy claimed that this had blocked several parking spaces for others. Decrying him as a miserable ungrateful little git Tallyho did the down-down. In a further dereliction of duty issue, Poumuli nominated Hot Nuts for throwing tea at him up at SPREP, but this was awarded only because HN missed.

At this point Strangler decided to challenge last week’s History when he was awarded for the founding of punk band Stranglers. Apparently the date was off by 2 weeks. Poumuli replied that Strangler had missed the Hash when it should have been awarded, and crowned the boomerang by stating that the truth should not get in the way of a good story, so a Typical Hash Justice Award to Strangler. Similarly Eveready gave Transporter this award for failing in his duties as Mugmaster by leaving them behind last Hash. Boom, there they got it...

Clearly needing glasses Tallyho wanted to give a leaning award to Lowrider, which was an instant false accusation. Not wanting to be left out, Karaoke wanted an award for the order of a giant penis cake by Lowrider, to which the GM added in the supermodel posing for the cake, Eveready, who claimed that all the icing had been licked off. Keeping to this theme, the meds had been told that a Hash Mere was organizing a hens night and had been desperately seeking a stripper. Goldfinger had indeed been desperate as she had approached SOTB!

Much like his advertisements posing as public awareness Sexpot warned the Hash about eating poisonous fish as per front page in the Observer, and this warranted any Hashers with a fishy name to be awarded. Poumuli took Wahoo’s award, and made mental note to rob Westpac immediately. We then had the delightful announcement that Top Shelf was getting married in Savaii and all are invited.

Cougar had been running again for the time, and gratitude overflowing nominated Crash for letting her shortcut. Tallyho enquired where was the Angry Chicken’s staff of office, which set of a furious debate about relative angriness. In the end the Angry Chicken was returned to Tallyho, sans staff of office, which Strangler joined in the award for.

Showing good form, POD nominated the GM for trying to imitate Godfather, by becoming a godfather, so a Farce Imitating Reality Award went to the GM. What were the poor parents thinking? Godfather then introduced a rather odd looking glass he had picked up in an Australian adult shop, and since the proprietor is Flash Gordon’s mum this went to his closest living relative Lewinsky, who was joined by the other Groomsmen SOTB and Crash. This glass will now be used for the Prick of the Week Award.

Sexpot wanted to dob in Skidmark for not joining the rethreads, but this was a false accusation according to Hash Cash POD, and Sexpot was joined by Snake for some advertising. Crash nominated Poumuli for having been aggressively drunk last week, and no wonder since those bastards were buying rounds of shot, including for Wahoo, and demanding that every one be consumed! Gayboy complained that his tomatoes had been over harvested by a certain girl, who later was seen playing with these, squished one and got it all over her face. We can all imagine Gayboy’s fascination with things being squished on faces, but it was the fact that the Grandparents burst out laughing that got his ire. So a Bad Grandparenting Award to Karaoke and Eveready.

Last dob was given by Tallyho to the meds for not joining in, yawning and demanded that they be awarded. And so they were.

The Host and the Hare were saluted before we ate some delicious but unidentifiable dishes. Watch the blog for next week’s run. Your Scribe will be in Barbados, no doubt hashing there, so Lucy will be Assistant Trainee Scribe.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit