Hash Trash 1800

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

1800th RUN - 16th November 2016 .... Finally!

Talofa lava merry hashers

Next week we will finally host the 1800th Run by the Apia Hash House Harriers!

It really is that long ago since Hash was introduced to Samoa in 1980, by a young and new hasher, Joe Annandale and two other Kiwi friends.

Uncle Tupua Fred Wetzell and his family have again offered up their beautiful seaside location for our big one!!

T-shirst are currently being sorted out so please refer to the email circulated and add your name and preferred shirt type/colour and size. All shirts are SAT30.00 @.

It is also rumored that the Monk will be in the house to do some namings so beware!

For catering purposes, you are kindly asked to confirm participation so we can make sure there is plenty of kaikai to share!

We know there are several old time hashers who usually join us during the big occasions so please let us know if you will be joining us! We hope you do!

More information will be shared via our emails and facebook page. If you are anti-social :) and do not have a facebook page nor a working email, then send us a smoke signal to nynette.sass@gmail.com  or ariane_vaai@hotmail.com 

ON ON

Mismanagement Extraordinaire !

Hash Trash 1799 C

The Hash was hosted by Hot Nuts and Nutcracker at the Nuthouse in Vailima, set back on a scenic plateau. It had been raining a lot that day so it seemed relatively cool, but impressions were soon to be changed. Hot Nuts came back from the swim, er run, looking like he had been taken through a carwash backwards. He left puddles! So with some trepidation we set out on his Mt Vaea Magic Carpet Ride. Well marked trail led us up the Cross Island Road, down towards the botanical gardens and into the trail leading to the top. But the trail appeared to head off towards SPREP, so off we trudged. This was a false trail, so we tried the Forestry Station trail where no markers were found. This meant only one thing, or rather two. One, the true trail led up to Mt Vaea, and two, the shortcutters went towards SPREP and out through the bush to the Cross Island Road. Let’s recall that inside the forest the humidity was at least 150%. If you opened your water bottle the level went up. The heat and wet was far too much for some, thus a leisurely jomp down the hill seemed prudent. Godfather’s sweet nuts were awaiting in the slight breeze, precious relief after the wet heat of the woods.

Hot Nuts stepped in as GM and called the circle to order. New to Hash were Amalia, a Greek-American brought by Bad Investment, and Toaimatagialetagaloalagi introduced by parents Snatched and Pussysnatcher. Shoe Inspector Cunning Linguist failed.

Retreads were Captain Mortein, Pirate Princess (held hostage by Captain), Slim Shady (early Alzheimer), Swinger (retired), Cockblocker (chasing gazelles), Snake (no work in Samoa), Kristiane (working late), Robert (in Switzerland) and Gianluca (long story, awesome, great). After their down-down Kristiane had another for wearing her cap on and Slim Shady for her shadys.

Celebrity Awards went to Imelda da Welda for Roadrunner (in paper and on tv), Poumuli (on tv), Swinger (for being a huge celeb while away) and Hot Nuts (forget).

This Day in History Awards went to all the Oz Volunteers (1960 – While campaigning for President of the United States, John F. Kennedy announces his idea of the Peace Corps, later copied by Oz), Snake (World Vegan Day – biggest meat eater in Hash), Pussysnatcher (National Cat Day) and Swinger (Feast Day of St James).

Opening up for nominations, Slim Shady nominated Snake for the Piece of Shit Award – he had been on a cow farm in NZ, threw his boots in bag covered in cow dung, and stood by while poor Samoan customs guy  smelled then licked a piece off the boot.

Murray offered up the Biodiversity Geeks Award to Hot Nuts for interrupting his enjoyment of the Jazz Festival with his talk of the joy of maggots. Snatched gave an Indecent Award to Poumuli for showing up at a kids Halloween party looking like a S&M mass murderer.

Gayboy got his Latecummer Award, while Poumuli nominated Captain Mortein for the Catlike Reflexes Award for only spilling ¾ of his beer.

At the Jazz Festival Alex had been having a great time, but the classy event was somewhat diminished by a Hasher who claimed to be no good at dancing round and round, but excellent at the up and down – Crime. In this regard Godfather thanked all those who had helped out but especially Sunny Side Up for her dancing Red Hot Jazz Virgin.

Gayboy was deemed to also have been a retread, and apparently had been seeing the aiga in Hong Kong. Snatched then expressed her confusion at the varying lengths of shorts that Hot Nuts had been sporting, and while this should have boomeranged as a Nut Fixation Award, he gamely took it.

The GM then gave his confusing RWC Award, for Ozzies loosing, all the Samoans playing and the Kiwis for winning – this involved Murray, Faumuina, Daz, Gayboy, Lewinsky and Strap On.

Snake nominated Swinger for the Poor Pommy Loser Award, added to by Slim Shady for Gratuitous Promotion of World Tour Award – he brought her a kitchen magnet! She joined for the Ungrateful Award as Nutcracker was well pleased with her kitchen magnet.

Before the Hosts and the Hare were saluted we had a round of thanks, love and gratitude from Slim Shady, Swinger and Godfather, while Gayboy noted that his first Hash had been at the other Nuthouse. We were all invited to come to the Kapiti Coast in NZ, and Hot Nuts emphasized the benefits for people to get involved in the fellowship and community of Hash. Nutcracker, not one for speaking up in the circle, thanked the Hash for making their stay in Samoa special and for introducing them to community members and places they would normally not encounter.

Godfather then brought up his being approached by SBC, and a vote was taken as to whether we should switch. Unanimous to await. We then did Goodbye My Feleni and Swing Low. Then we feasted.

Check the blog for next week.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1799 C

Talofa Hashers
This Monday Hash Run 1799 C (or 1799 ter for Murray) will be hosted by Hot Nuts and Nutcracker at the Nuthouse in Vailima, just past Chinese Embassy and Vaiala Beach School. Run will start at 6 PM, bring your 20 tala Hash Cash. Theme will be sackcloth and ashes for the loosing team in RWC with the winners wearing happy clown faces and glee. Just kidding - the host is requesting that we wear black or gold or both!
See map for directions below.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Samoa Jazz Festival this weekend!

The Festival has three parts.

On Friday night there is a 'teaser' show at the Edge. This will feature a number of the international bands.

The main day of the Festival is on Saturday and this will be held in the Marina Quarter. There will be local bands playing short sets at Annabelles, Ooh La La, Seafood Gourmet and Palusami from 5.00 pm. The main concert with international bands will be from 7.00 to about 11.00 on the outdoor stage area of Club X. 

Then some more local bands will do sets at SIPS, The Edge and Sheeshas to keep the night alive until after midnight.

The road will be closed from Ooh La La down to Palusami from about 4.30 through to the end. So there will be tables out on the road in front of Club X and other food/beverage vendors.

We are seeking a big turnout for this night of FANTASTIC LIVE MUSIC. 

This is all in the cause of trying to develop the jazz and live music scene in Samoa and support the Samoa Jazz Society to put on more events in the future. 

We truly appreciate the support of the Hash family to come on down for this Saturday event and to spread the word about it within your social circles.

The wind down event of the Festival will be over at Sinalei on Sunday afternoon. This will also be an opportunity to wind down after the World Cup Final (that starts at 6.00 a.m. that morning!)

Draft Apia Hash Rules

Again Mismanagement invites comments on the draft Apia Hash Rules, adopted from Hashes around the world. For your consideration...

1. There are no rules. 
2. No poofters. 
3. See rule 1. 
4. The Grand Master (GM) is always right.
5. When the GM is wrong, rule 4 applies. 
6. The Religious Adviser (RA) is always right except when rule 4 applies. 
7. No poofters. 
8. The Hash Cash and run numbers are always right. If there is a perceived discrepancy between the stats and reality then reality is warped. 
9. No stealing (see hereunder - definition of stealing):
   Stealing - the covert removal of another Hasher's property with the intention of depriving said hasher of such property for an indefinite period of time. 
10. No stealing, but borrowing is okay (see hereunder the definition of borrowing):
    Borrowing - the act of covert temporary removal of another Hasher's property (property in this instance is confined to items of a portable nature and directly related to hashing such as mugs, bugles and run books). Substantial items such as kegs whilst being directly related to hashing should never be borrowed. At all times the property borrowed is held for a relatively short period of time and always returned in good order. Often suitable engraving to record for posterity the guile of the borrower enhances such property. Borrowing is a complex issue and where any doubt exists the GM should be consulted. 
11. No poofters. 
12. Rain is not permitted during Hash runs. The RA is personally responsible for ensuring that fine conditions prevail for a period of not less than four hours each Hash day from 15:00. 
13. No discrimination. Poms, Frogs, unemployed, dogs, women, NGO types, criminals, teachers, disabled, nymphomaniacs and even lawyers are all encouraged to run Hash. Alcoholics are particularly welcome. Athletes are tolerated in some Hashes. Athletes and dogs whilst permitted to run can never aspire to become Grand Master. 
14. Definitely no poofters. 
15. No competitiveness. 
16. Under no circumstances are poofters permitted to run Hash. 
17. No training. Hashers caught training will be deemed to have breached rule 15 and will be liable to punishment. A range of activities may be interpreted as training, and for guidance the following non-exhaustive list is provided:
    a) running other than official Hash runs
    b) cycling (fornication on a push bike is exempt)
    c) visiting a gymnasium for any other purpose than perving on the aerobics class
    d) using the stairs while lifts or escalators are available
    e) servicing the wife/girlfriend when so pissed it is a marathon effort. f) stretching of any kind (though exceptions may me made for particularly beautiful women).

18. All Hashers must commit to memory rules 1, 2 and 3 and be able to recite them at any hour of the day or night regardless of their state of inebriation. 
19. Poofterism will not be f**king tolerated under any conditions. 
20. No fighting on the Hash. This rule is absolute and the entire culture of Hash relies on strict adherence to this rule. If a fellow Hasher causes you immense displeasure by stealing your car or impregnating your daughter (wives are exempt) then belt shit out of him at some other place than Hash and on some other day than Hashday which is a day of reverence and tranquility.
21. Poofters will be shot on sight. No poofters. 
22. Amendments to Rules 2, 7, 11, 14, 16, 19, 21 and 22 are illegal.
23. The Shoe Inspector (SI) shall be called upon to seek out any new shoes at the appropriate time in the circle and perpetrator shall drink one down down from the shoe. If refusing to drink from own shoe, then this can be substituted for the SI or GM shoe. If no new shoes are found the SI shall take a down down. In the absence of the SI, the GM may appoint an interim SI at random.
24. Live hares, if caught on the run, shall have their shorts pulled down. Unless the GM specifically states that rule 24 is not in effect.
25. The Hash Shrine shall be placed in the middle of the circle at each Hash. The Shrine Master shall be responsible for adding Hash mementos to the Shrine.
26. A Hashman shall not covet a fellow Hashman’s mere, nor his ass, nor anything that is his; see also rules 9, 10 & 20.
27. No fondling shall be permitted on hash; fondling shall be deemed to be any sort of touching between a Hashman and a Hashmere, other than when retrieving car-keys or cash from pockets, bras or jock-straps; there can never be any touching between Hashmen or Hashmeres of the same gender, see Rules 2, 7, 11, 14, 16, 19, & 21.
28. No chariot riding shall be permitted on a hashrun; ankle-biters under the age of 5years are exempt from this rule. A chariot shall be deemed to be any sort of vehicular perambulation that does not require a Hashman or Hashmere to propel him/herself forward by placing one foot in front of the other on the ground. This would however enable an otherwise incapacitated Hashman/Hashmere to join the hashrun by sitting astride a hobby-horse (or rigid inflatable doll) with wheels attached provided that it was propelled by foot-power.
29. The Hash Shit shall be awarded by the incumbent Hash Shit, or if absent by the GM, to a Hasher who has committed a crime so heinous it exceeds punishment. The crime and the recipient shall be placed before the circle for a vote.
30. No pissing on the Hare’s Trail.

* Poofter: 1) Somebody that should not be on the Hash 2) A Whiner or Winger 3) Somebody that lets other people find trail. 4) A Poofter.

Hash Trash 1799 B

Welcome to this edition of Loneliest Planet, reporting to you from Upper Vaoala in Apia, Samoa, where we were invited to attend a special socio-cultural event known as the Apia Hash. This is celebrated religiously every Monday by a disparate group of misfits, dyspeptics, over-the-hill sportsmen and the disabled, as they especially cater for sufferers of Tourette ’s syndrome. This is all overseen by their high council, known as Mismanagement. Our hosts were Katy and Speedhumper, who had also been out to set the run. There was very little warning for what was to come, save a shouted Hash Circle from a lady known as Sassygirl BJ. We were told that the run was set on flowers, which we thought was a nice touch, given the green and fragrant nature and flora of this island. We felt somewhat sheepish to discover that they meant the ground and milled variety used in baking. Nevertheless, we gamely followed the pack, as it had been foretold to us that there were some vicious dogs awaiting en route. Going up the soon-to-be paved Cross Island Road was a cultural delight, with scenic views marred only by the elevated garbage cans required to prevent canines making comestibles from the trash. Some lovely houses along the way, ranging from the humble Samoan fale to luxury villas that would not look out of place in Mogadishu. The trail took us down the Lamosa Road, which was so named as it is the Samoan  abbreviation for the London Missionaries who brought their no-tattoos, no-naked, no-dancing and culturally sensitive version of the gospel to these unsuspecting people. Apt that this is where the aforementioned canines resided. To call them rabid, slobbering, snapping bitches would be an insult to Lady Gagas everywhere. Thankfully the kind homeowner came out and beat several of them to a pulp with a stick, pour encourager les autres. We then emerged onto our starting road, but took a path less trodden, and we saw some lovely examples of Abelmoschus moschatus, so valued in India, which seemed to thrive here. We then crossed over a dried creek, to follow a trail through some thick healthy stands of Bambusa vulgaris, complemented by Casuarina equisetifolia which is an evergreen conifer-like angiosperm. We were then returned by way of what was called a false trail, which allowed the stragglers at the back to all of a sudden be at the front, and were first in line for some lovely local coconuts, procured by hand by the strapping lads of Poutasi. Next week we will be sampling the delights of a place called Tafaigata which we have been recommended to visit by some charming helpful expatriates here.

Sassygirl BJ stepped in as GM as POD has been stricken with the chicken. She called the circle to order, and asked the newbies to step forward. These were Simon (brought by some bird, more later) and Sandrine known as Kitty Kitty. They both got their first down-downs. Retreads were Snatched (making more Hashers), Pussysnatcher (breast feeding), Faumuina (holidays), Bad Investment (lazy), Titty Galore (with mum), Aaron (working) and Speedhumper (busy).

Shoe Inspector Sunny Side Up, tried but failed. Celebrity Awards went to Cunning Linguist for trying to disguise his journalist tag as The Tokelau Council and Pussysnatcher for Snatched for her story about men in skirts.

This Day in History Awards went to Murray for Gayboy (1851 – William Lassell discovers the moons Umbriel, and Ariel, orbiting Uranus), Witch Doctor (1905 – Sweden accepted the independence of Norway), Claudia (1917 – Battle of Caporetto; Italy suffers a catastrophic defeat by the forces of Austria-Hungary and Germany on the Austro-Italian front of World War I (lasts until 19 November - also called Twelfth Battle of the Isonzo) - The young unknown Oberleutnant Erwin Rommel captures Mount Matajur with only 100 Germans against a force of over 7000 Italians), Hot Nuts (1945 – Founding of the United Nations), Poumuli for Dawn Raid (1970 – Gary Gabelich sets a land speed record in a rocket-powered automobile called the Blue Flame, fueled with natural gas) and Godfather for Swinger (Feast Day of St James the Just).

Turning to the GM’s Awards, while this was a nice place for Hash, OSH would have had a field day with the low hanging garrottes used for clothes – Speedhumper, Aaron and Katy, helped by Daz, as this was the longest chorus to date!

The GM had met a new yoga instructor in town, who had been warned by IRA about hitchhiking and also sundry shady characters, but had disregarded the advice, had hitchhiked and been picked up by Bad Investment – A Chronicle of Disaster Foretold Award. Following on, after the run one of the Hashers had been a bit frisky, trying to get Titty G to come out into the bushes, to see, er, the tomatoes. Not only were these minuscule, but such hanky panky is against the Hash Rules, to be posted later. Eveready got the Wanna See My Bush Award.

Also this week, a Hasher had locked himself in his office, and had to phone someone to get the keys from his car to let him out – Hot Nuts for the Houdini Award. But Godfather stepped in and related how they had been watching the rugby, and Hot Nuts said, ok same time tomorrow? Which meant that Godfather sat up and waited for 3 hours before the game started. Thus the award was doubled.

A Hasher had approached some meres for help on the weekend, as he was afraid to go home. Apparently he had been helping himself too liberally (literally) with the local girls, and now one brother wanted to bash him up. As Cunning Linguist prepared, Alex noted that another Hasher had valiantly fought off a gorgeous local girl’s advances, and lucky for him as her boyfriend turned up a few minutes later. Daz got the Unhashmanlike Behaviour, while CL’s was really just Woozzing Out Award.

During the run some other unhashmanlike behaviour had been displayed by Poumuli according to Hot Nuts. Claiming he had steamed away from the pack, Poumuli replied that no, he had been last with Godfather, but the false trail found him at the front. And it was Hot Nuts who had shown undue athleticism by running fast to catch him up – people watching would think this was some sort of sporting club! In the end Simon, Hot Nuts and Poumuli took this one.

Hornithologist arrived and got the award for Simon missing her name. She also brought a friend, Glen, apparently also similarly erectile when around birds, and he was delegated to have a down-down for Hornithologist leaning.

Cunning Linguist wanted to award the GM for admitting on Facebook that she was inubriated, thereby implicating all that were with her. This failed on language alone, while Poumuli pointed out that CL had not been taught proper English enunciation in his adopted country, thus Murray got one more.

Poumuli also noted the large number of unsolved crimes recently, thus Crime. There then followed a discussion around the 1800^th run, and it was agreed that it would be pushed back to the 16^th of November. Vailima will be sponsoring and Sassy will be sending around order details for the shirts. Murray also made an announcement regarding the Jazz Festival on the weekend. And Claudia will have a birthday bash at the Edge on Thursday.

The Hares and Hosts were saluted, before we chowed on delicious home made burgers, WHO rulings be damned.

Check blog for next week’s run – likely to be at Hot Nuts’s.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Run 1799B - with Speedhumper and Katy Woolley

Mahalo Hashers

Monday, 26 Oct Run will be hosted by Speedhumper and Katy Woolley up Vailima way.

"We live on a small, newly paved road off of cross island road.

Go up past Bank st, past the Mormon church and past the 3 Hearts Church, and our street is on the right just after a big pink house on the right. If you get to Lamosa st you have gone 200m too far.

When you get onto the small, newly paved road, park around there. We are the second house on the right, it's army green coloured.

Run starts 6pm sharp, beer and burgers after. Bring bathers if you want a swim, welcome to bring the kids.

From Speedhumper and Katy.

763 4497 if you get lost!"

Will have some shirt samples for sizes so you can book your 1800 Tshirt for the order..

ON ON

SassygirlBJ

Hash Trash 1799 A

The Hash was hosted at the Nafanua Steakhouse. Live hares were provided by Daz and Hot Nuts. We set out through the CopShop parking lot, up to the 4 corners and then down towards Palisi. Several hash halts were called, but the walkers ended up doing their own thing. Up the hill towards the prayer house at Palisi, then back down the other side, into town again and on home to Nafanua.

Godfather was absent so there were no frosty nuts waiting for us. POD was also absent so Hot Nuts stepped in as GM. New to Hash were Jessica (friend of Katy’s) and Bedbitch (Samoan but from FSM Hash). Retreads were Poumuli, Hot Nuts, Mr Whippy, Wet Pussy, Offspring and Witch Doctor.

Celebrity Awards went to Katy who had been on TV, and Cunning Linguist for the story on Ac/DC in the paper. Swinger had bee spotted on TV as well so that one went to Strap On.

The GM buggered up on the history but no really good ones anyway. Shoe inspection was not carried out but Cunning Linguist tried to get this anyway for Poumuli – False Accusation Award.

Claudia nominated Daz for the Misleading Award for giving wrong instructions on the run, which Daz countered by nominating all those who had used the down-down glasses before the circle started – Claudia, Jill, Cunning Linguist and Lucy, and since this was a crime, Crime.

At this point Wet Pussy wanted to encourage someone to download some more hash songs, but it was pointed out that Godfather only knows 3 songs. Poumuli gave a rendition of one he had heard with the Nadi Hash – Here’s to Brother Hashers – and received an award for it.

Witch Doctor nominated the GM for the Internet Retard Award for not checking the blog, and we then saluted the Hares and the Hosts.

Next week’s run may be hosted by Katy and Speedhumper but check the blog.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Run 1799 A - Nafanua Steak House - Apia

Hi Hashers

due to the fact that we have not secured a location for today, we will be trotting from Nafanua Steak House, next door to Italiano's Pizzeria.

Run at 6pm - do bring your hash cash and we can work out what to have for a feed depending on numbers. We an always arrange for one of those specials from Sunrise Restaurant for $10/head.

ON ON

Sassygirl

Hash Trash - Run 1797

Thanks to Alex for the hash Trash

‘Twas, oddly enough, a night of Lion King and other Disney references.  And nuts.  Always nuts.  In answer to the question “can you feel the love tonight?” there was a resounding yes.  Except, perhaps, for Claudia and Jian Lucas.  Within the (Hash) circle of life were found coconuts, cat calls, jungle tales and nuts, cat calls, and even a Princess Jasmine cameo.

We were graced with the presence of two new would be hashers, one a former Manu Samoa player.   Perhaps it was the excesses of beer, or Speed Humper’s dance moves, but they didn’t last the night.

The down down’s round up:

Retreads:

·         Sassy was looking for a father, and Cock Blocker (CB) was looking for a mother, and they found each other.

·         Jian Lucas has been babysitting, and demonstrated a significant lack of beer guzzling technique.

New Shoes:

·         Coconut Hussy failed to find new treads*

*We’re all pretty sure Cunning Linguist’s (CL) shiny shoes got off scot-free, but CL didn’t due to his false accusations.

Celebrities: 

·         Wahoo and Sassy were this week’s newspaper celebrities.

GM Awards:

·         The karaoke krew were dragged in – Dazza for his suicidal song for suicide prevention; Speed Humper for dance demo-ing “feeling the love”; Kristiane aka Brad aka “Cock NOW” for being her mother’s daughter; and Katy for breaking hash name rules.

·         Sana and Bad Investment for wearing red – a tenuous link to the Japanese and rugby

·         Twin Peaks’ whipping boy Dazza for the questionable (and dated) bathroom decorations.  Twin Peaks, of course, knew nothing about the presence of Miss June or Princess Jasmine as he craps in the bush.  For Peaks’ chagrin, Dazza was gifted a full stein with the epithet “go hard or go home”.

·         Claudia and Jian Lucas for the cleaver pool attack and inappropriate references to “two heads”.  Hash name contender, JL?  Narrative voice: “Can you feel the love tonight?”

·         On the subject of Crime.   Not often are hashers mistaken for escaped prisoners**, but tonight was the night.  Separated from the Hash herd, Godfather and Crime scaled a mountain, climbed a sheer cliff in a downpour, fended of gun-toting residents and over 100 attack dogs to return bloody, but not beaten, to the fold.  Into the circle went GM for the false directions and false promise; CL the Hare for pissing off;  and CB and Dazza for being the beer-drinking search party that didn’t offer up a sip of their fare for the wounded warriors. 

Narrative voice: “Danger?  Hah!  I walk on the wild side.  I laugh in the face of danger.” – Simba.

*Fact check required.

·         At this point, Twin Peaks must have been getting thirsty, as he nominated himself for not setting the trail.  “Sick my arse” was the consensus.

·         Murray for being the Thurston look alike to acknowledge the Brisbane boys in the NRL bringing it home.

·         The birthday nominations – Coconut Hussy and Sassy in place of her son Son of the Bitch

.

·         A lively exchange between those that can’t keep a secret – Kristiane aka Brad aka Cock NOW and CB

·         And at this point, Sassy finds her stride (and her theme for the evening), nominating:

o   Lewinski whose dodgy patrons tended towards sexual harrasment of staff  

o   Wahoo for the White Sunday mother’s award.  While the cat’s away (Poumouli), the mice will play.

o   Dazza and Ever-Ready for problems with their nuts – Dazza’s for being too big*** and Ever-Ready’s for dragging up the stairs.

***According to Dazza.

·         And here the tables turn... Sassy for having nuts on her mind.

·         The remnant hashers are called in – Gill, Sunnyside up, and the humble scribe – for being thus far absent from the inner circle.

Next week – A BYO beach hash for White Sunday.  Watch this space.

Agreement was reached on acknowledgements for all those that donated through the Perimeter Run to Faatuaua Le Ola with the good grace of Godfather – a simple statement of thanks to friends, family and businesses for their support.

And with that, we broke into a serenade about wise men and ended with the cry “[Tagi mai  le pussy!”

On-On!

Hash Run 1797

Greetings Hashers
The Hash will be hosted on Monday by Twin Peaks at his place on Bank Street in Vaoala and co-hosted by Murray the Disgruntled South Korean Teenage Golfer. It will be Twin Peak's last time hosting for a while. Run starts at 18.00 or 6 PM due to daylight savings. Bring your 20 tala Hash Cash, and the host will cater.

Take the Cross Island Road from town, past Mynahs and take the road marked Bank Street. Then take the 2nd road to the left, marked Atoa Avenue. Its the last turn before the serious downhill starts. The house is at the top, the last house on the right.
Use the map below, but go up the hill two more driveways



We will need a Scribe as I will be in Bulaland, the Wantokland the following week.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1796

(狗屁新闻)

The Hash was hosted at Wet Pussy’s in Siusega. The Hashers arrived through various transportative means, they all expressed the wish for enhanced cooperation with the Host. In order to improve mutual understanding and cooperation, the GM explained that the major global issue for their consideration was to turn left at the gates, being guided by the “3 Rights”. Inspired by this mutual trust and understanding the Hashers ran, meandered and walked their way forwards on the path to the road to Siusega. Expanded coordination between the front runners was exemplary, as befits the enriched and active role that these play, and it was ascertained that the path was again to the left. Through further people-to-people engagement, namely the calling of the on-on, the continued fostering of bilateral cooperation was assured as the Hashers re-gathered, then yet again turned left before reaching the capitalist-imperialist religious shrine at the corner of Faleata. Greeting the gathered proletariat along the route with a brotherly malo, and continued assurance of friendly relations, the Hashers were turned left yet again into a disused agrarian area, no doubt victim to anarcho-separatists plots fomented by opponents of multilateral frameworks for rural development. This was borne out by the large number of unfed dogs that sought to maul the group. Upon exiting back on the road, the Hashers pledged to continue onwards, working in line with the principles of common but differentiated responsibilities and respective capacities to achieve a balanced and fruitful end to the run. With further calls for on-on, and on-home, enhanced integration based on the foundation of bilateral partnership ensured that the Hashers all returned to Wet Pussy in accordance with their national priorities, through continuously deepening the friendly cooperative relationships.

You can read more along those lines in certain pages of the Observer.

As mentioned last week we are in daylight savings mode again, so the runs started at 6 PM, but it was still bloody hot. Godfather’s cool cool nuts were a lifesaver. But soon Hot Nuts as acting GM called the circle to a semblance of order, which would continue. He reminded us that we have the big 1800 run coming up, noted there were none new to Hash and called for the retreads. These were Beyonce, Hot Nuts, Wahoo and Roadrunner (who took it in Coke). The GM forgot to ask them for excuses.

Daz was appointed Shoe Inspector, tried hard, but failed.

Celebrity Awards went to Kristiane for Slim Shady (first time a UNWomen story in paper did NOT include Slim Shady), Godfather for Swinger/BB/Black Box (at RWC in UK), Wet Pussy (On The Street column), Cunning Linguist (two stories in the paper) and Strap On for Sassy (photo etc in paper). Kristianes was doubled for wearing a hat, and she had to be helped by Twin Peaks to finish. Then he got another as he too was wearing a hat!

This Day In History Awards went to Poumuli (1903 – The new Gresham's School is officially opened by Field Marshal Sir Evelyn Wood – he attended that school), Witch Doctor (1972 – In a referendum, the people of Norway reject membership of the European Community), Hot Nuts (2009 – An 8.0 magnitude earthquake near the Samoan Islands causes a tsunami; and Feast Day of St Gregory the Illuminator), Cunning Linguist (Dominion Day in New Zealand), Godfather (World Tourism Day) and Lewinsky (World Rabies Day).

Turning to the GM’s Awards, during the Mt Vaea challenge one Hash Mere had such a fright that she had to be wrapped in a blanket, but without someone wrapped with her to keep her warm – Claudia. Lewinsky then nominated the GM, as he had seen him using the mozzie spray, lifting his shorts up so high that the Hot Nuts popped out. Poumuli pointed out that Lewinsky shouldn’t have been looking at the GM’s crotch, but instead of Lewinsky copping one Hot Nuts got a large one for inciting Lewinsky to gay thoughts.

POD wanted to nominate someone Welsh, and thought to settle for a man wearing red (but this was Lewinsky) so she went instead for the NRL Queensland Maroons supporter Twin Peaks. She also mentioned the humiliation by Springboks at the hands of Japan, so reluctantly Offspring joined the middle. This took forever to finish, thus Hot Nuts opined that we need more verses. Twin Peaks offered something mumblingly, and obviously failed, to avoid another down-down.

POD nominated the GM for trying to feel her up, and Poumuli suggested that Lewinsky should also have one for not defending his wife’s virtue. In a classic example of misdirected justice POD Lewinsky and Hot Nuts took the award.

POD then recounted a story told by Claudia about getting stung by a jellyfish on her hoo-hah, which was re-enacted by Claudia. After much confusion it was believed that a Lip Service Award was in order.

Witch Doctor nominated Roadrunner for first of all not coming to Hash for a while, and secondly for setting the run using a busdriver mate of his – Inventive Chariotriding Award.

Strap On nominated Daz and Kristiane for not showing up to the Mt Vaea run. Then the Hare and Hosts were saluted – Roadrunner, Wet Pussy, Offspring, Imelda da Welda, Witch Doctor and Beyonce.

POD asked for support for the Pinktober Triathlon at the airport Sheraton, with all proceeds to the Cancer Society.

Next week’s run will be at Twin Peaks in Vaoala.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit 

Hash Run 1796

Talofa all
Monday's run will be hosted by Wet Pussy and Offspring at the Clitorial Mansion in Siusega. This is basically over the hedge from where Screamer used to live.
So, go towards the Faleata sports grounds, take the road towards Tafaigata past the big cake like church on the corner. Take the second tar sealed road on the right, just after the dirt track that led to Screamer's. Go past the road side entrance to Screamer's, then you can either turn in through the fence at the next opening, or go  down the next dirt track on right and turn right. Apparently there is a big fale or something on that corner.
Apologies, cant be more specific but these directions were given in Afrikaans by a deaf diver with the attention span of a small rodent.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1795

The Hash was hosted by Claudia and Aaron at the Casa del Italianos on Bank Street in Vaoala. It was a great day for a run, not too hot, but the trail was one that the regulars knew regularly. We have run it a hundred times. This time we went down the cross island road first then cut in above Mynas. There was some confusion as to where we should cut through to the river, but it was found in a sort of hash like organised way by POD and Poumuli. The hard slog up that bloody hill to Bank street was sufficient for many to become walkers. Someone had forgotten to chill Godfather’s nuts, so they were less glistening than usual.

POD opened the circle, and invited the newbies forward. There was Kat who had come from Melbourne to be with Daz. A cellphonus interruptus started Twin Peaks on his early demise.

Retreads were Wet Pussy, Offspring, Aaron and Katy. Useless explanations not annotated. Speedhumper was appointed Shoe Inspector, and while she was on to a good thing with Offspring’s taped up boots hiding new shoes underneath, this was an overall fail. Starting early on her down down, she demonstrated an albatrossic spit back with alacrity.

Celebrity Awards went to Crime for the Tafaigata prison story, and Poumuli for finding about 8 celebrities who were not even present.

This Day in History Awards went to Witch Doctor (1872 – King Oscar II accedes to the throne of Sweden–Norway), Titty Galore (1893 – Women's suffrage: In New Zealand, the Electoral Act of 1893 is consented to by the governor giving all women in New Zealand the right to vote), Eveready (2011 – The United States military ends its "don't ask, don't tell" policy, allowing gay men and women to serve openly for the first time), Daz (International Talk Like A Pirate Day) and Twin Peaks (World Car Free Day).

The GM’s Awards are always inventive, and no less so this night. Cunning Linguist was given an Impersonator Award for trying to look like Strap On and for not declaring his new straps. Offspring was brought in to celebrate South Africa’s loss to Japan, along with proxy Japanese Strap On, in the absence of the disgruntled Korean housewife.

Daz was called forward for the explanation of how, when Heloise had given him a hug that resulted in a face plant in his crotch, he had exclaimed watch out you might take your eye out. This was described as a Twin Peaks Award. Cunning Linguist wanted to include POD in this award, as he had overheard her say that she was going so fast she didn’t know she was coming. While much chuckling at Lewinsky’s grin was making the rounds, POD decreed that CL should have an award for going to the podiatrist for the sheer pleasure.

Opening up for nominations, Alex had been at Home Café and seen POD and Lewinsky, when Lewinsky had introduced himself. After how many hashes? Strap On then nominated the Ozzies for listening to his prophetic words last week to get rid of Abbot – Jill, Daz and Twin Peaks.

Poumuli then related an incident that had befallen Twin Peaks at On the Rocks, involving his lost wallet and phone, the fruitless search and questioning of waitresses, the offer of a reward, and the miraculous finding of said treasures. Lewinsky for Hiring the Stupidest Women on Earth Award, Crime for the No Crime Committed Award, and Twin Peaks for Sheer Spite Award.

There was no Mad Monk of the Apia Hash present, but POD did the honours. Beckoning Aaron to assume the position, she related how he had complained of his tendency to start out too fast and self-injure. Henceforth he shall be known as Too Hard Too Soon.

Godfather was saluted for his birthday, and a Slow Learner Award went to Twin Peaks for yet another cellphonus. The Hare and Hosts, Claudia and Too Hard Too Soon were saluted before we feasted on Italian treats, er, pizza and couscous.

Next week’s run will be at Wet Pussy’s.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1795

Greetings Hashers
Monday's run will be hosted by Claudia in Vaoala, specifically newly-named Atoa Avenue off Bank Street. Co-host will be Aaron. Run starts at 17.30, so bring your 20 tala Hash Cash. The hosts will cater. No theme has been set, so come dressed as your favourite pasta or Bunga Bunga character! I have placed an old map from one of Zsa Zsa's runs from the same venue below.
Note - the host recommends that you park on the road so as not to get blocked in.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1794

And welcome to this edition of Runners and Running World, brought to you on WFKU, in this prestigious time slot of 4 AM just after the world famous Norwegian hit show Burning Log Fire, featuring a burning log in a fireplace. We were invited this week to join the Apia Hash House Harriers on their weekly run, and we had a chuckle at their slogan – drinkers with a running problem. Assuming that they were referring to Gatorade we merrily tagged along. Apparently the group had not been able to decide on a route aforehand, thus we were to experience what they called a live hare. I should explain that this group is most friendly, and in order to welcome visitors they all presented themselves by their running names, as Sahmowern names are just not pronounceable. However, even some of these nicknames I am sure I misunderstood. The live hare was a gentleman called Cockblocker, not so named for his possession of a large chicken, who set us off out through the parking lot to the back streets of the charming Mulivai Cathedral. Musing at its lofty spires, the charm of the streets was soon overtaken by the trash liberally strewn. As we neared our first halt near a Chinese eatery a strange earthy cooking smell could be sensed, and upon my enquiry was informed that it was likely sweet and sour cat from that gay place. Thoroughly confused by the odd Samhmowern humour, on we went through a back yard, a loading dock and some more trash. Upon reaching the airport road a choice was given for a longer run up Palisi to the hospital or simply back. Running simply back was not quite so easy, as one of the runners named Godfather, because he looks like he was in at least one of those movies, had to genuflect to the Sahmowern Prime Minister who nearly ran him over. Pleased to have completed the run, we went looking for the Gatorade, only to be told that there were only two items on offer: some hairy wet large brown objects that we were told were Godfather’s nuts, or beer. Having seen Godfather run, we opted for the beer. Next week we will be joining another running group in New Zealand made up we are told entirely by sheepshaggers – I am sure this is another example of that quaint antipodal humour. Stay tuned to this channel as the next program features the telephone numbers of local sex chat lines.

Ah so no one had bothered to host or set the run. All good, and POD as GM called the circle hastily to order during one of the band breaks. It was more of a huddle really. The retreads were Murray, Witch Doctor and Imelda da Welda. Murray explained that he had been visiting the missus in Vancouver to check whether he had lost her love to Bob the Robot Vacuum, only to discover that Bob insisted on running over his feet.

ProBoner was appointed Shoe Inspector and failed, but she had also not come forward as a retread. Poumuli joined for false accusation that Strap On was wearing new strap ons. Celebrity Awards went to Slim Shady (in the paper again!) and Sunny Side Up for the coverage of the Perimeter Relay donation to FLO of 15,000 tala!

This Day in History Awards went to Mr Whippy (1814 – In a turning point in the War of 1812, the British fail to capture Baltimore. During the battle, Francis Scott Key composes his poem "Defence of Fort McHenry", which is later set to music and becomes the United States' national anthem. What a godawful song that is!), Twin Peaks (1848 – Vermont railroad worker Phineas Gage survives a 3-foot 7-inch (1.1 m) iron rod being driven through his head; the reported effects on his behavior and personality stimulate thinking about the nature of the brain and its functions), Strap On (Programmers Day), Titty Galore (International Chocolate Day) and Daz (Feast Day of St Nicholas).

Latecummer award went to Daz for his friend Kate from the UK. The GM had been looking for dirt and had overheard Slim Shady in full conversational flow declaring that she would make sure she wore underwear on that night – a Colourful Exposure Award.

Then there was a complaint received from Titty G who had been ditched at home on Saturday night so Godfather could go and watch the Ms Samoa – Hashmanlike Behaviour Award was gratefully accepted. Crime was given a Leaning Award. A further complaint had been received from CB that Kristiane had arrived late at office one day and also wearing a man’s shirt. After some deliberation both of them got a down down – doubled for CB as he had his hat on.

There followed some debate about what was happening with the internets in Samoa, and whether Bluesky was deliberately cockblocking CB. Consensus ruled that Strap On should have a www Award. Poumuli tried to join this bandwagon with a Internet Dummy Award to Sassygirl BJ for replying to a POD email with the wrong moniker, but this was deemed to FBIish and a Just Unfunny Award was given.

Like Bush said, seldom is the question asked, is our children learning, and similarly – what the f was Lewinsky trying to prove standing on a bar chair. Opening up for nominations, Slim Shady had been invited to a birthday at 7 PM, only to find the guest of honour showing up at 9 PM, tired. While she intended for ProBoner to get the Stop Dragging Me To Your Shit Award, instead Slim Shady got the Dummy Award for thinking that Horny Ho would be on time for anything.

Strap On nominated all the Ozzies for the Abbot and Dutton Non-Comedy Show – Daz, Kristiane, Jill, POD, Julie and Slim Shady. Rather precipitous, noting what happened later in Canberra. This was thus a Curse of the Strap On Award.

Poumuli had been visiting SOTB and Alcatraz in Oz, and they had taken him to a pub where they served a label called My Wife’s Bitter. Trying to implicate Sassy in this one was fraught with difficulties as the evil bastard SOTB had sent Lewinsky a text purporting that Poumuli had been a complete bludger and not paid for any drinks.

Gayboy was a latecummer, arriving with his selection of tasty feline and assorted anthropodic delights, and received an Only Here for the Money Award.

Claudia wanted to give any Yanks the Tennis Award, as an Italian had won the US Open for the first time. No need to explain how that one ended. Not knowing when to stop, Murray wanted to give an award for the first Korean Kiwi to win a Golf title, thus adding Disgruntled Korean Woman to his list of nationalities.

CB then did a Hash Appreciation Award to Sassy and Godfather for the check handover to FLO.

Next week’s run will be hosted by Claudia and Aaron on Atoa Avenue off Bank Street, at Zsa Zsa’s old place.

The Hare and Hosts, CB, POD and Lewinsky were saluted in the usual manner, and a reminder was given to put on our collective thinking caps for Hash Run 1800, coming up at the end of October.

On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit

Fa'afetai tele lava to our Running Sponsors

We wish to extend a big fa'afetai tele to our 4 Running Sponsors who answered the call at the outset for some help to ready our running teams. It is through their generosity that the runners and support crews could just focus on getting around that grueling course.

The following thank yous have gone out to our sponsors with a public acknowledgement to go out shortly to all our wonderful and generous family, friends and supporters who donated so kindly to this worthy cause!!

Faafetai tele lava.

AHHH Mismanagment & Hashers

Hash Run 1794

Afternoon all
With no host volunteering tonight's run will be held at On The Rocks on Beach Road. Run starts at 17.30, bring 20 tala Hash Cash and 10 tala for some food if you want.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit