Hash Run 1620 - Godfather, TittyG and team @ Ynot

Good Morning All,

Next week's run will be hosted by Godfather, TittyG and team at Ynot.

The hosts will be providing the spread on Monday so you don't need to bring anything unless you want to cook something special. The run will start at the normal time 1730Hrs and we will have our Keg, Softies and sweet nuts.

Please make sure to bring your hash cash on Monday ($15)

No Map as you should all know where it is. Head to Matautu, next door to Paddles Restaurant.

On On

Hash Trash 1619

The Hash was hosted by Snake at Snakepit the 2nd in Vaitele. A lovely day for a trot in the countryside as daylight savings is over! We were exhorted to go out and left from the gate, and Tallyho and your Scribe gamely went up that bastard hill at some speed only to find that our attempt to get it over with was a false trail. Muttering curses upon all things elongated, legless and reptilian, we set off back down the hill after the rest of the pack. This was now led by SOTB who had simply waited by the gate! Down the cross road (don’t remember all the names), then a further false trail up the next parallel hill. This time SOTB actually found the true trail which led into the bush. This was serious snake country, as we were first slowed to a crawl by the dense bushes – even the considerable form of SOTB hadn’t flattened the vegetation sufficiently, and Godfather slipped off some rocks. There was even a stretch where we actually had to crawl to get through. Out onto the road there was some further confusion as to whence the trail led. Eventually a group comprising of Sexpot, Pussysnatcher, Tallyho and a few others decided it must be up the hill and around to the top of the Senese road. We did find a false trail mark but decided we had had enough of this malicious malarkey and went on-home. We ended up doing a much longer run than intended by Snake, at least that was his excuse. Godfathers sweet nuts were never sweeter. SOTB as GM called the circle to order, inviting those new to Apia Hash to introduce themselves. There was Yutaka (from Japan) visiting Ninja, and Scott who is here for work and was brought by PS. The rethreads were Wahoo, Poumuli and Mrs Ninja. Poumuli had some fluorescently incandescent new shoes that were christened. Luckily they absorbed most of the beer. Celebrity Awards went to Snatched (in Observer) taken by PS, Ali (for being on TV) and Sam the Fireman (also on TV). Sam couldn’t be with us but had made a special request for his best mate Lewinsky to take the award for him. The mate business came as a surprise to Lewinsky. This Day in History Awards went to SOTB (43 BC, Mark Antony defeated at battle of Mutina), Sam (1836, Sam Houston defeats Mexican general Sta. Anna), Godfather (Earth Day, and he is the Salt of the Earth), Tallyho (St George’s Day) and Poumuli (International Pixel Stained Technopeasant Day). The GM had learned that Poumuli had been hashing in San Francisco and decided that this warranted a No Poofters At Hash Award. In other news there had been a recent plane crash in which only the pilot and the terrorist survived, so this award went to Captain Mortein and Ali, obviously. A double down down went to Sam for having a birthday party and inviting nil hashers. Some Hashers had been golfing, when one of them decided to snatch someones golf ball. The result was that the GM was attacked by an irate mad golfer, so Sexpot was rewarded for his perfidy. Ali was given the Graduation Award, and was joined by Swinger who had stood him up for the celebrations. Opening up for nominations, Tallyho had been confused a bit on the trail, and had seen PS dart into a taxi yard, obviously intending to chariot ride. PS made some excuse about missing some parts, and a vote got them both the award. Sam joined for cellphonus interruptus and Snake for setting the run from a chariot. In his defence, snakes are squamate, ectothermic, amniote vertebrates. Sam had been running with Lewinsky, and felt a bit lost, but Lewinsky told him they should just take a short-cut. Lewinsky denied this, saying he was going along with anything Sam said to avoid being Bruce Lee’d, but this did not stick up at the vote. Tallyho wanted to nominate Sexpot for his impressive running and that since he obviously has too much energy should be renamed Nosexpot. This boomeranged to Tallyho as Desperate Housewife is off-island with an illness. More on that issue, Sexpot had been alone for a few days and some Hashers had offered to take him out. He ended up on a three day bender, concluding with a bursting hangover caused by Lewinsky. SOTB and Lewinsky received the Reckless Sexpot Endangerment Award.

Sassy was irate over the lack of gas for the BBQ and nothing being done about it, so Titty Galore and Sexpot got the Hash Chef (Not) Award as they had been in charge last time. Swinger nominated Tallyho for getting a full body servicing in the Philippines, so a Warrant of Fitness Award went to Tallyho. Joining him was Slim Shady for making the weird suggestion that he should dissolve Viagra on his knees. Horny Ho wanted to get the GM for some crime involving window vipers, but it became so convoluted that an FBI Award was given instead. Poumuli had been cooking for Wahoo’s family in the US, but instead of helping out she was Facebooking the whole time. She told him that she was going to write “no bloodshed as yet”, when he told her no that would jinx him. Lo and behold, it did, but did Wahoo get a band-aid? No! She Facebooked the rest of the story instead.

Back to the golfing excursion, Sexpot was playing against Sassy, who complained of constant tiredness and was just sitting in the buggy the whole time. A Tired and Emotional Award to Sassy. Finally, Poumuli complained that there was no Scribe the last two weeks, but this somehow backfired. He was joined by Lewinsky who had started the Hash Song too early. The host and the hare were saluted – Snake, Uli, Tina and Reade. Check the blog for next week’s run. On On Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run - 23rd April 2012 - Snake pit 2 - Vaitele

Good evening all,

Tomorrow's run will be hosted by Snake and the team at the Snake pit 2 at Vaitele (Senese School)

The hosts have kindly offered to provide the food for tomorrow's run so no need to bring anything unless you want to. We will also have a keg there as well as softies and sweet nuts from Godfather!

Directions: Head out to Vaitele, when you reach BOC Gases, turn left and head up the hill. Just before you get to the Faatuatua Christian School (on your right hand side), you will see the Senese School on the left. Turn into the compound and head to the back.

The run will start at the usual 1730 Hrs so try and be there on time as we want to get back before it gets dark.

Map is posted below just in case you cant find your way

Please make sure you bring your $15 hash cash and also for those who had ordered UB40 Tickets, please bring your money for your tickets if you have not yet paid so we can hand out the tickets tomorrow.

On On

Hash Run 1618 - 16th Apr - BYO Run @ Ynot Bar

Good morning all,

sorry for the late posting but we couldn't find any hosts for today's run. Ynot Bar however has kindly offered a venue for our run tonight. It will be a BYO food for the BBQ run tonight so please bring something to put on to the BBQ if you want to eat after the run. If not, then don't eat what you did not bring :)

Run will start at 1730 Hrs and we will have a keg, softies and sweet nuts. Also, dont forget your hash cash of $15 tonight.

Location/Directions: Head down to Matautu, next door to Paddles restaurant, you will find Ynot bar.

See you all there
On On

Hash Trash 1616

This April Fool’s Day Hash was hosted by Hooker Lua and SOTB at Vaoala. The Hare was Ring Ring, and although we were promised a short run this was not to be as we had a whole load of false trails. The weather was quite fine and we were finally off Daylight Savings Time – hurra! We were not disappointed in that this was indeed an incredibly inventive run. The trail led up the Cross Island Road with Tallyho and others running off in the wrong direction. Captain Mortein was on a roll and kept hitting the right tracks, as Poumuli floundered further up the Cross Island Road. A trail was acquired leading through someone’s taro patch, which slowed us down considerably, but hey rather go slow than break a leg. We finally arrived down on the cow pastures off Bank Street, with several tricky false trails, until finally we went through the bushes to get back to the main road. And there was even a river for us to get our boots wet yet again! Back on home through the fence and we were done. Godfather was not around so his sweet nuts could not be savoured.

SOTB had been cooking not running so he was not as sweaty as normal, and more or less cogent. He called the circle to order, but was rudely interrupted and Tallyho and Tramp were called in for not wearing anything flowery in line with the theme and for giving the GM lip. Those new to Hash was only Carlos, a Spanish dive instructor brought by Witch Doctor, so being so well instructed the GM gave him a down-down. The rethreads were Kiwi, Buzzer, Einstein, Sexpot and Tramp, respectively golfing, schooling, old ageing, ozzing and landing in Nadi.

Shoe inspector Tallyho was nearly stumped in his search for culprits, but the threat of having to drink from the GM’s shoes was enough for Queen Biyatch to fetch her shoes. Celebrity Awards went to Godfather for being the object of a World Bank feature in the Observer, so closest living relative Poolboy joined his missus. Further celebrities were found in Horny Ho kids who had been singing on TV – they both pretended not being able to or enjoying beer!



The GM had noticed that the National Bank had launched some new products that have yet to be matched by commercial banks, so Sexpot and Skidmark got the Not Keeping Up With Competition Award. Karaoke was so inspired by the moment that she commented that there had been a picture of a huge cake in the paper, and it wasn’t from Adria’s – obvious!
Captain Mortein and Tramp were both spotted leaning, before a Bad Grandparenting Award was given to Eveready for letting Divine fall flat on her face. This Day in History Awards went to Captain Mortein (1801 – Brits sink Danish fleet at Battle of Copenhagen), Carlos (1939 – end of Spanish Civil War), Tallyho (Argentina invades Falklands – Malvinas Day!), and SOTB (1973 – first ever mobile phone call made on a Motorola).

Sassy nominated Poumuli for not knowing difference between pork and chicken – hey it was frozen! Horny Ho had spotted Hideo crouching in a rather suggestive manner on the road, it was demonstrated for us, and while it could have been construed as passing a turtle he claimed it was a Stretching Award. Karaoke wanted all to check out Ring Ring’s new car, black tint, which was sure tp pull a lot of chicks??? Horny Ho added that this ride was getting Tallyho home the riotous laughter became too much.
The GM nominated Fireman Sam for dedication to the hash – turning up late and pretending to get sweaty. Tallyho had been reading the news and had found an item on quantum physics, and apparently Einstein had been right all along – step forward Einstein.

Sassy nominated all the nature lovers in the circle – Hooker Lua, Ring Ring, Horny Ho, Karaoke and SOTB. Poumuli nominated Witch Doctor for the Conman Award for dislodging his luggage from Air Pacific without the tags, same name on ID or any ID for that matter.

Sam desperately wanted to get the GM back for a perceived slight, as they had been out having drinks and the GM had scored phone numbers off some girls leaving nought for Sam. This was added to by Sexpot who pointed out that the whole 4G thing was bogus advertising. Somehow this got turned around to anyone being a Digicel lover, which was Kiwi with his bright red hat, and a few minutes later, cellphonus interruptus via Digicel.

Hooker Lua mentioned that one special historical event had been missed, namely the birth of Hans Christian Andersen, the Danish writer – this one went to Sassy (hubby Chris), SOTB (middle name) and Captain (obvious!). Tallyho added in Poumuli for not getting that one – bastard! SOTB then got Fireman Sam for not also owning up to the middle name issue.

Sexpot was very concerned that Samoa had been robbed in the 7’s, which obviously meant an award for Crime, plus a token Aussie – Skidmark, and Kiwi to represent the errant ref.

Hooker Lua then announced her special April Fool’s Day gig for the Hash Men. When I say that this was humiliating, I am off. It was much worse than that. We had to bellydance to some bloody hashish swirling Egyptian music. Anyway, the winners were Einstein, prize a voluptuous pink bra, Poumuli for graceful choreography, Poolboy as the fairest of them all – a mirror, and Sam for best poledancing impression.
Then the hosts and the hare were saluted as we descended upon the feast.

Next week its at Aqua Samoa – we need a Scribe for the event.




On On from San Francisco
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Easter Hash Run

Good Morning All,

This Monday's Easter run will be out at Aqua Samoa at Aggie Grey's Beach Resort in Mulifanua (just past the airport) The run will start at 12 noon followed by our usual untidiness. You can swim in the ocean before, during or after the run so bring a change of clothes.

The hosts will be providing some food but have also asked if we can all bring a little something to throw on the BBQ. Don't be shy and turn up with 2 or 3 sausages or something like that :) Bring something we can all partake in.

We will have a keg there and hopefully some sweet nuts from Godfather along with the softies.

No map posted as you should all know how to get there...

Best is if we can all try and car pool to make it easier and safer for everyone..

On On

Hash Run 1616 - Hookerlure & GM SOTB are co-hosting at Vaoala!!!

Talofa lava you wonderful vibrant hashmen and hash meres!!!

Just stopping by with some more info for next Monday's run up at Vaoala. Map to come from GM!

• This is a BYO - BRING YOUR OWN (for those who are not familiar with the acronym) and refers to food stuff like meats, a salad, a loaf of bread...just don't all turn up with a loaf of bread each, unless you prefer bbq bread! So if you enjoy a bit of kaikai, then bring it along to share!
• The Theme is "NATURE LOVERS RUN" - wear some leaves, a leaf, or if you are allergic to leaves then wear some clothing that has images of leaves and animals!
• Hash Run is SAT15/person, free for children up to 10 years, above 10-15yrs: SAT10@ and above that, well i guess you are on SAT15!
• Bring change in case it rains!
• If it rains, please keep off the lawn!!!

ONON

Hash Run 1615 - Godfather & Pool Boy @ Faleata Horse Racing Grounds

Good morning to you all on this wet but exciting hash Monday!

Tonight's run will be up at the Faleata Turf Club (Horse Racing Course) and its being kindly hosted by Godfather, Pool Boy & Queen-B. Tonight promises to be another fun run and with weather like this, it is best that you bring a change of clothes, or two.

The hosts will be providing a spread tonight so just come with your change of clothes, your hash cash and your drinking boots! ( I hear it's a certain hash man's birthday today too)

Run will start at 1730Hrs, there will be a keg and all the goodies so see you all there!

On On

Hash Trash 1614

The Hash was hosted by Chi at the house behind Sunrise restaurant. It had been a rainy day, so the weather was quite cool. The run had been set on paper and on chalk, the pink kind as Chi said he was too cheap to get the proper stuff! Dollar store advertisement! Off we went out the gate and down the road to Togafuafua, hitting the Vaitele road, with a few false trails leading down Ifififi Street, and a tempting one up to Apaula heights. The real trail was found by Tallyho, who not only shouted On On, but also his name, presumably to stave off imminent dementia and loss of self-recognition. Anyway, this went UP Ififi, until we found the trail again off the cross road to Falealili. We headed further along the road when we got to the bridge and the old hydro plant pipe, and followed the Vaisigano river. This was a bit of a challenge for some – it was possible to do this dry-shod, if you could spot the flat rocks under the clumpy grass. Others just jumped into the water and waded. The trail went back and forth across the river, but the back runners could see where the FRBs were, so stayed on one side of the river, jumping into the bushes rather than the river. While this precipitated a wasp attack on some of the Hashers, at least their feet were dry! Until we really HAD to cross the river – this included jumping into a nice pool for some, while others took a lengthier detour to save their reek for later sharing. Then it was up to Faatoia and back home. The last bit of the run was quite heavy, with water sodden footwear and running gear, lots of traffic and dogs. But Godfather’s sweet nuts were waiting!

SOTB was not too exhausted and called the circle to order. A moment of silence was observed for the recently departed GM of the Suva Hash. Taskala had passed away in the night after last week’s hash in Suva, and was a great hasher and a friend of many in the Apia Hash. There were mutterings both pro and con on whether this should be used as a precedent to smother our own GM in his sleep.

There were two who were new to Apia Hash – Keiko (JICA volunteer at the hospital) and Veta (helping Chi as co-hare). The rethreads were Poolboy (fixing pools), Queen Biatch (busy bossing the poolboy), Top Shelf (dogbite), Fang (on parole). They were the first to suffer the unusually large Hash Mugs (more like pints) that Lewinsky had procured.

Celebrity Awards went to Captain Mortein (spotted by the GM on TV), Sassygirl BJ (spotted by Chi in the Observer), and Tiger Woody (something about a golf club presented to the Head of State – Crime nearest living relative). This Day in History Award was thwarted by many intended victims being absent, but we got Lewinsky (St Patricks Day and he looks Irish), and Tallyho (1649 – England House of Commons abolish temporarily the House of Lords, declaring it useless and dangerous to the people of England – Tallyho objected, saying he was neither as he was in Samoa and not England). After some grumbling he noted that the Poms and the Welsh were united against the Vikings – mistaking the Paddies due to Lewinsky’s red shirt.

The GM began his awards with a Survival Port Moresby Award to Poumuli, who needed to throw a third of it over his shoulder. Then there was a DIY Fail Award to Captain Mortein, who’s self constructed towbar arrangement had disintegrated.



He also noted that the runs had seen the “real men” of the Hash jump without hesitation into the pool, except one – Tallyho, who now looked like he had peed himself. After a quick fondling by Fang, he declared that he was a Pom, and didn’t even jump into a bath!

Driving along Beach Road, the GM had spotted some modifications to HQ1, then discovered that these had been done without permit from the landlord nor with any environmental impact assessments – Lewinsky stepped forward for the Toilet Venting Award. On the theme of modification, the GM had received complaints that the venue was in fact an undercover brothel, and that this had not been transmitted to the single Hashers, so Chi go the Red Light Award.

Opening up for nominations, Sassy of course was eager to try her hand, but messed up a bit between the not living up to name or bad parenting, as Horny Ho had entrusted her kids to run with Sassy. This was more a What The Hell Were You Thinking Award.
Chi nominated all those wearing green for St Patricks to take one – GM, Crime, Queen B, Hideo, Sam, Poolboy – with Tallyho escaping as his knee braces were not green naturally, but had taken on the teal hue from the various effluents that had coursed down upon them.

Bruce then launched an all-out FBI ramble about unsafe parking and disobeying regulations aimed at Lewinsky through POD. Apparently he had spotted their vehicle by the Government buildings next to a do not park sign with an angry security guard in attendance. Before Lewinsky could utter “blasphemy” POD calmly explained that she had parked there at the instruction of the kind security guard, who had taken gentlemanly concern at her state of inflation into account. Boomerang Award for Bruce.

On a roll from guarding the keg, Chi rambled on about a church burning down and the fire department not getting there quick enough. Sam tried his best to get out of it, but a vote doomed them both. POD then nominated the GM for flaunting his dongle in front of the government buildings, an event that had been captured on the news!
Sassy sought to nominate the Hares for reckless endangerment, viz the wasp attack on the trail. When Chi pointed out that this had occurred on an unauthorized short-cut Sassy got the False Accusation Award in return. She was joined by Godfather and Crime for their blatant shortcutting, with GF gamely stepping in to drink from his until now hidden new shoe! What a Hasher – phenomenal!

While all this was going on, Poumuli had been shocked rigid by the spectacle of the little girls doing poledancing in the living room, which he pointed out to the GM. A Bad Parenting Award to Lewinsky. Chi and Crime had gone to a paddling contest, after or during which Crime had disappeared, which led to a Chi Abandonment Award. Also, the Captain’s daughter was next spotted poledancing.



Tallyho nominated all those who were quietly maintaining a low profile in the circle – Skidmark and Dave. Bruce, well known for his dedication to women’s rights, decried the fact that poledancing had been invented in Norway. While Poumuli justly denied any responsibility for what the hell Norwegian girls get up to, he had to join Witch Doctor in this award. [Quick check – poledancing probably started in the US in the 1920s, but the first poledancing contests were held in 2005 – in Australia! Pleas note this GM.]



Karaoke was supposed to take Ring Ring home from last hash, but she was late coming home – she had been driven home by Tallyho. As the GM had spotted Karaoke turning up to the hash with Tallyho, he quickly deduced that this was a Jealousy Award for the entire threesome.



Poumuli reminded the GM, and Tallyho confirmed, that rule number 1 of the Hash was “no poofters on the Hash”, which sort of contradicted the sign erected over Chi’s venue, offering “gatering – you name it”. Spelling and punctuation are very important! This was obviously confusing but Chi took it anyway.



The Host and Hares were saluted, with Sassy joining in for her persistent pushiness in getting Chi to host, and Lewinsky for something unintelligible.

Next week’s hash will be hosted by Godfather and Poolboy at the racetrack, and will be catered. Bring a change of clothes – oh no not again! The week after will be hosted by Hooker Lua and SOTB in Vaoala, with the Easter Hash being hosted at Aqua Samoa.

Your Scribe will be in Tokyo, so a volunteer Scribe is needed. Please Desperate Housewife!!!

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1614 - Chi (Behind Sunrise Restaurant)

Afternoon All,

Next week's Run (19th March 2012) will be hosted by Chi, just behind Sunrise Restaurant in town (Togafu'a fu'a). The host is putting on some food but has asked if you could also bring something extra to throw on the bbq.

You will need a change of clothes as the host has told me you will most likely be getting wet during the run (not that kind of wet...get your mind out of the gutter)...so bring a change of clothes and a towel.

There will be a keg, softies and Godfather's sweet nuts...run starts 1730Hrs, dont forget your hash cash of $15 tala

On On

Hash Trash 1613

Greetings Hashers from Port Moresby - or appinoon. An excellent trash from Assistant Trainee Scribe, Desperate Housewife. Enjoy and see you next week
Poumuli, IKA Slit

After no offers of hosting the Hash, Lewinsky kindly stepped up to the plate and allowed his establishment to be the location of Hash Run 1613. As this was a last minute location, no run was set. So the Hashers arrived, waiting for the ever so jolly Tallyho to be the Hare. Unfortunately Tallyho was running late and the Hashers could wait no longer. Ring Ring came to the rescue, becoming the Hare. She set off at a lightning pace through the back of the Cop Shop and onto Cross Island Rd. After a few twists and turns, we were then heading quite precariously over the 4 lanes to the other side of the road. It was a bit like the video game “Frogger” [Ed note – hm that ages the Scribe!] as we dodged the Peak Hour traffic of Apia. Luckily no fatalities occurred and on we went.

One street got some of the Hashers feeling a bit “high” due to the smoke of a “home grown plant” some taxi drivers were toking. After we came “down”, and as it was quite a warm day, Ring Ring took a breather (much to the relief of her followers) and so for a while it was a nice walk through the town. The walk got one of the Hashers edgy and he decided to run past the Hare at one stage. No one must have told him the rules when he was in Honiara Hash. We ended up passing JP’s Fitness Centre and then back across the 4 lanes (this time with the aid of the traffic lights). Then resumed running back down Vaea Street and finished back at On The Rocks. Not a very long run, but with the temperature as it was, the Hashers were not too fussed and were happy to sit in the shady rubble of what used to be Crabbers and enjoy a nice cold Vailima. It was then that we saw Tallyho heading back from his run (from the opposite direction).

Not long after, the Hash Circle was called to order. Only one rethread - being Hot Rod, who was just turning up to say hi to the fellow Hashers and got himself caught up in the circle taking his down down. His excuse for not coming to Hash, pretty lame, “I’ve been working”.
No new shoes, but Tallyho commented on how clean Slim Shady’s jandalled feet were and so she had to drink.
Celebrity award went to Witch Doctor (on behalf of Poumuli) for being in the Observer on Monday (SPREP climate change workshop). Arsewipe or Skidmark (on behalf of Sexpot) for some Westpac related media; and Sassygirl for being in the Observer that day (Leadership Samoa Graduation).

This Day in History went to the following: 1876 – Alexander Graeme Bell made his first phone call – GM and Ring Ring;
1928 - St Francis Dam in California collapses – Lewinsky took on behalf of Crash who was absent;
1933 - Pres. Roosevelt orders banks re-opened after his enforced bank holiday during Great Depression – Skidmark the banker;
1994 - Church of England ordains female priests – well we’ve had a female hash monk for years – Sassy took on her behalf being the closest living relative of the Hash Monk plus Tallyho who was at a Church of England service with GF and there was a female priest conducting the service;
2011 – 1 year anniversary of the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant explosion – Toko and Ninja drank in remembrance.

GM Award went to Tallyho – who picked up a piece of metal whilst the Hash Circle was happening from the demolition site we were congregating at. It was a dirty old spoon. Tallyho countered stating that he wants to start up a “Hash Shrine” in which Hashers can pick up mementos from runs and then look upon them and reminisce. GM just thought Tallyho was short on cutlery and so he had to drink up.

Assistant Scribe, DH, got done for leaning as she was so focused on her scribing, she was in the zone and didn’t realise it was happening. She thinks Lewinsky set her up by telling her to stand by the wall in the first place.

Latecummers included Tooth Fairy, Snatched and Pro Bono.

Lewinsky got called up for coming to the rescue and providing the venue.

Nominations then began. Desperate Housewife got in first (before Sassygirl!) and nominated Slim Shady for lung poisoning after blowing a mouthful of cigarette smoke staight into DH’s face who was still in need of oxygen after just coming back from the run. Sassygirl nominated Wahoo for protecting the keg whilst we were all running, although the keg was somewhat emptier than how we left it – interesting!

Slim Shady nominated Sassygirl for making SS talk to a drunken old man all night at Ynot after Sassy had done all the flirting in the first place. Sassygirl then called up Tallyho into the Hash Circle for suggesting all the Grumpy Old Bastards patronizing OTR’s should be drowned out to sea (even though one of them was the GMs father). Tallyho appealed for right of reply saying that Sassy at the time had agreed with him. In the end, it was voted that Lewinsky take the down down as the owner of the establishment where the GOBs drink.

Tallyho then chose Godfather for, as the bible states, “bearing false witness” against him. When GF asked what false witness he was suggesting, Tallyho had no reply. However, GF took it on the chin and drank up. A nomination went to soon to be father, Tooth Fairy, who’ll be off island in lead up to his baby’s birth – an early wetting of the baby’s head.

Sassygirl nominated Hooker Lua for going to the gym too much that she is too tired to participate in the Hash Run/Walk. Right of reply was that she wants to keep fit and likes to come for the drinking part. She took a double spin class down down.

GM nominated Titty G for asking him to get her name tattooed on his body – making GF jealous and to make matters worse she passed on her glass to Crime instead of her man. Crime then had to do another scull for accepting Titty G’s offloads.

Sassygirl then called Slim Shady up for calling GM’s tatt an Avaava instead of a shark (which it is meant to be).

Witchdoctor called Wahoo up as she was turning 14 the next day – underage drinking!! [Ed note – this is incorrect, it was on 6th of March!)

The Mata Aitu Award went to two recipients. First, a non-Hasher, a patron of On the Rocks, Fritz, who said that Hooker Lua’s malu wasn’t traditional but was really only saying it so he could perv on her sexy legs. Second, to Slippery for taking his camera on the run.

Ring Ring nominated Skidmark who overtook the Hare during the run. The poor guy is trying to lay off the beers – Monday isn’t a day to begin that!

The Pedophilia Award went to ponytailed Dave who was chatting up underage locals whilst on the run.

Sassygirl then called Lewinsky to the circle for holding Titty G’s keys away from her so he could get close to her tits. His right of reply was that she asked him to drop the keys on her tits and said “I got ya!” so Titty G was given the Entrapment Award for enticing a married man who is expecting his third child. [Ed note – is that Lewinsky expecting or POD?]

In lieu of the demolition of the Fale Fono, Tallyho said it was a crime against history pulling the fale down so Crime was called up to take the scull. There was also eye witness accounts of Crime stealing stuff from the demolition site after the Fale Fono was pulled down – but unfortunately that is all “hearsay”.

The Slutty Leadership Award went to Sassy on behalf of Snatched who said Sassy made a conservative uniform look slutty (at the Leadership Samoa Graduation).

Hooker Lua called up GM for joining the land of ink with his new tatt.

Slim Shady nominated Ninja for telling her that she must come topless to work in her new job. She is now even thinking of a career change – porn star? During this conversation, Tallyho’s spoon (which was stuck down his pants) started moving erratically. Ninja couldn’t finish his down down so gave it to Tallyho for the second time of the night – we think Ninja is becoming Tallyho’s new drinks bitch.

Tallyho then proceeded to call up Snatched for rubbing a stick up and down his leg during most of the proceedings. Snatched then confided that she actually was meant to be rubbing Hot Rod’s leg instead. Tallyho wished it was Harry Potter’s wand – not sure why – you’ll have to ask him.

Snatched then called up DH for being studious and taking notes on such a big pad, DH replied that little ones weren’t as good. Double entendre?

Pro Bono was then called up by Lewinsky and had a down down for winning her first court case. 100% success rate. Although it took a long time to down her drink, we were up to the third chorus by the time she finished.

Finally the Hare and Host, Ring Ring and Lewinsky were called into the circle and that concluded the Hash ceremony for the night.

Next week is still open and those who have not yet hosted or haven’t hosted in a while are encouraged to put their hand up, as it’s unfair for the same people to keep hosting.

On On
Desperate Housewife

Hash Run 12th March 2012

Hello all you wonderful hashers

Today's run will be from second headquarters, On the Rocks (OTR) so bring your good selves, your SAT15 and a bit extra to chip in for the pizzas afterwards. We have decided to avoid the BYO BBQ today as there is no where to do it!!!

Also advise the GM if you can set the run please..call 7500767

ONON

Sassy

Hash Trash 1612

Greetings Hashers. That was such an epic run that one needs to go biblical again.

Yea verily it came to pass, in the days of the rule of the GM SOTB, son of mad monk of Hash, that the Hash was called forth to gather at the dwelling of Ladyfinger, grand merchant of bendy yellow fruit. And the Hash arrived in twos and threes, and the rain poured down, verily like canines and felines. Fearing that he would have to pack the Hashers into an ark in twos, leporidean Pussysnatcher ventured into the wilderness to find the markings that are known as trail, to vouchsafe their integrity. Being familiar with the PS style of venturing forth, many Hashers were silently wailing and gnashing their teeth, fearful of the trail of tears that would surely befall us. And so it came to pass, that the rains halted, and the sun shone forth in glory, that the brave and petulant Hashers set out from the gates of Vaoala. They clawed their way over the wire that is barbed, and set their apostles’ horses into an ungainly trot. This trail of tears brought them first past the citadel of the tribe called the huggers of trees, and of whales, many of whom have secreted themselves into the Hash. The pack was led by the rail known as the Captain Mortein, whose fearless forays into the isles of Samoa had brought forth not one but two issues. Closely pursued by Tallyho the Albionite and Scribe the Witless, it was soon time for the Hashers to throw themselves at the mercy of mighty rivers, withering waterfalls and scratchy grasses. And so the Hashers found themselves not at one or two mighty crossings, but four, and this not being Greek mythology there was no Charon to be found. The leporidean had girded his loins mightily for this foray, and the weary Hashers were confounded to find themselves up against a barrier like the walls of Jericho. Having not Kiwi the Hornblower in their midst, the Hashers despaired, and wailing, threw shekels and dung at PS. “O ye of little faith” he cried, as he pointed to a mighty sheaf of hempen rope that he and his trusted handservant Trevor had constructed. “Take thoust this rope that riseth into the heights of heaven (or Vaoala as it is known to the tribespeople of that region) into thine hands and ascend with a mighty cry in the wilderness.” And many a Hasher did cry, as the nails on their fingers, yea verily unto the cuticles were ripped from their grasp, and in their mud and toil they struggled mightily to climb the unscalable wall. And many did speak in tongues unintelligibly cursing the very ground upon which PS walked. As if that was not enough, further horrors awaited the Hashers, as upon the trail had been constructed an unholy altar of the undergarments of the little people, whose soilings were still evident upon the ground. After what seemed like many days and nights spent in the wilderness, the embattled Hashers gratefully ascended on the dwelling of Ladyfinger, to draw succour from the milk and honey that is found in Godfather’s cool nuts. The sweet smells of the feast that Dried Nuts, good lady of Ladyfinger was preparing also sated the homicidal curses that were set to reign free upon PS. The golden nectar that flows from Vailima was tapped, and it was agreed all around that it is good. Let that be a lesson for ye.



After such an epic run it took several hours before the GM was ready to call the circle together. Stragglers were even coming in afterwards. But SOTB called for those new to Apia Hash, and that was Skidmark of the Honiara Hash, brought by Sexpot. The rethreads were Desperate Housewife, Slippery, Sam, Sexpot, Karaoke and Ring Ring. No new shoes were spotted.

Celebrity Awards went to Sassy (Samoa Tourism Circular) and fireman Sam (Observer headline regarding top fireman). None took Lezzie’s (pictured twice in Observer) as closest living relative. This Day in History Awards went to Hiro (Hinamatsuri Day in Japan – girls day), Poumuli (1912 Amundsen announces that his expedition reached South Pole December the year before), Strangler and David (1989 EU bans CFCs by end of decade – both are in refrigeration, but rule 17 was invoked – when one ponytail drinks, all ponytails drink), Captain Mortein (Beer Day in Iceland, after a long prohibition period started under Danish rule) and Tallyho (St David’s Day).
The GM had some nominations of his own, as emergency forces had been called to an establishment in town where a couple had been fighting and causing a disturbance, and one had nearly drowned, but it would appear that it was all a ploy to avoid a costly bar tab from the owner of the Establishment – Lewinsky.

Also in the news had been stories of drug busts and notorious criminals escaping from prison – Crime got the Lookalike Award. Poumuli was given the Impressing the Ladies Award for his splits on the run and avoiding harm to the family jewels. The GM briefly interrupted the proceedings to bring in Speedhumper on charges of disrupting the circle, and she had an assist from Ladyfinger.

A Fail Award went to Rambo lookalike (not) Tallyho for his bandana and tight vest. Godfather and Sassygirl BJ both got a cellphonus interruptus award.

Opening up for nominations, Sassy informed the circle that in the panic to try and get the BBQ started before Horny Ho returned they had attempted to break into her car only to find that Chee’s key fit. Fast and Furious Keys of the Dragon Award.
Sassy also tried to get SOTB for indecent exposure to the kids, and while he tried to get off this as a false accusation, Slim Shady corroborated that she too had witnessed this, while looking into his eyes. BTW, this would appear to be Google translate’s idea of Happy Nipple Mondays with Ninja:

忍者と乳首月曜日

Tallyho had been the FRB at the start, but had been overtaken at a false trail that wasn’t there by Captain Mortein, and fretting that we would loose the pack had called a hash halt that the Captain had ignored. Moreover, he hadn’t called any on-ons until we caught up to him by the rope. The usual curmudgeonly down-down was taken.

Poumuli nominated Sexpot for the Surrogate Good Parent Award for looking out for the kids when a dangerous truck exit was made, and this was made a Suckass Parent Award to Lewinsky whose child it was. Slim Shady nominated the GM for the False Expectations/Fluttering Heart Award for promising and failing to bring the 7s players to Hash. Chee nominated PS for the Dangerous Tree Award that had nearly claimed Tallyho’s family jewels (left that one out above as it became way too blasphemous).

Desperate Housewife nominated Sue for daintily taking her shoes off at the first crossing, but giving up at the next one. Lewinsky was added in on this one by Poumuli for the Gentleman Fail Award for letting Sue fall in on her behind instead of helping. Sassy gave the Girl Pride Award to Horny Ho for completing the whole run.
Latecummer and rethread AC/DC was welcomed back and then farewelled.

Lewinsky nominated Poumuli for breach of rule 22 d, no peeing on the Hare’s trail, and after an initial protest, he accepted the Intimidation That Can Be Seen From Space Award.



On this theme Sassy wanted to get Strangler for imitating a Hash Mere for screaming at the kids, with Sexpot being added for some reason. Tallyho was dobbed in by Chee for scaring the kids when he stripped off his togs and making all and sundry cry.

Regaining his wits, Tallyho spoke of the log that had nearly ended his proclivity, and as he was trying to get a legover, some young chap leapt over the log and carried on without offering to assist. Trevor received the first Keep Away from Moving Old Farts Award.

Sassy tried to nominate Horny Ho for not explaining the Hash Rules to the kids, but had to join for her taxi ride on home. The Hosts and the Hares were saluted – Ladyfinger, Dried Nuts, Claire, PS, Trevor and Hornithologist, as various run ratings were called in such as excellent, good to lame - that is many of us were by now.

Watch the blog for next week’s host.

Desperate Housewife will be Assistant Trainee Scribe while I wing off to PNG.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1612

Morning Hashers
Tonight's run will be hosted by Ladyfinger and Dried Nuts at their house in Vaoala, off the Cross-Island Road just before Mynah's. Please see map below. There will be a sign posted on the entrance. Please drive in and park on the lawn. Should be plenty space.
No theme has been announced, but Pussysnatcher as Hare advises to bring a change of clothes, towels, etc. Sounds ominous? Don't worry, just bring your Hash Cash ($15) and enjoy. There will be a keg and the hosts are catering.






On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1611

The Hash was hosted by Eveready, Crash Bandicoot and Delicious in honor of Luana’s birthday. We had all been warned to wear pink, and most complied, albeit by scavenging flowers from the garden. Crash had set the run, and we were misled by his apparent unruffled and non-sweaty demeanour. Turns out it had taken him 90 minutes to set the run, and we felt that in due course. It was out the gate and up and around the back roads of Lotopa. Many false trails were found, and the sweating got intense. Tallyho and Strangler were FRBs for the most part, sometimes joined by Poumuli, and once overtaken by Captain Mortein pushing a pram! The last section down to the back of the school was particularly disheartening for those familiar with the area. Special note that Mustang must have been training, or something, in NZ, as she was giving the FRBs a good chase throughout. Back at the homestead we were greeted by the cool sweet nuts of Godfather, and the sweating Hashers could relax.

The GM, SOTB had returned, having been bailed out of jail in Las Vegas. He called the circle to order and called forth those new to Apia Hash. They were Ross (invited by Sassygirl BJ), Ruth and Jean Bertrand (from the EU, also by Sassy), Jim (at MoH, but a returned resident, brought by Screamed) and Claire (daughter of Ladyfinger and Dried Nuts). Since all got their lines right, the GM ordered a round for them all, though Screamer had to assist her guest. Rethreads were Mustang, SOTB, Hooker Lua, Top Shelf, Hot Rod, Bruce and Crash. Excuses were made, ignored, then the down-down was served.

Tallyho was appointed temporary Shoe Inspector, much to his surprise, and he utterly failed in his mission, as well as in his attempt to get newly painted toe-nails to count as new shoes! Comments also rained on him for his rather, well poofy shirt. His explanation that he had spent 30 minutes getting it off a mere on the road, and the great lengths to which he had extended himself, only raised the danger level for a doubling of the award.

Celebrity Awards went to Witch Doctor (Aqua Samoa in the news), Captain Mortein (deemed to be Ali’s closest living relative – wow that was pushing the envelope), and ProBoner (closest living relative to Do Me Twice). This Day in History Awards went to Poumuli (1658 Treaty of Roskilde, after 6 year war, Denmark-Norway loses half its territory to Sweden to save the rest), Ninja (1870 current Japan flag first introduced for use on merchant ships) and Tallyho , Slim Shady and Lewinsky (Rare Diseases Day – these include respectively copralalia (uncontrollable urge to talk crap), Tourette’s syndrome (uncontrollable swearing) and clintonophobia (the fear of becoming an intern in the White House)).

The GM then turned to his, non-negotiable, non-deniable GM Awards. He started with an Alzheimer Award to Godfather, who had left a bunch of his stuff at a meeting. When another hasher had helpfully called him and asked if he had left anything behind at the meeting, he merely responded with a muddled huh?

One of the newcomers had run the Hash in jeans! Were you born on the sun? Ruth, joined by Sassy for not explaining the rules, or lending her a pair of shorts. We could have killed an EU consultant! Then there was the call for a bad parenting award to Crash for leaving a large gun on the swing set when the sundry kids arrived to play. While claiming that it was Lewinsky’s gun, Eveready, Crash and Hot Rod all got the NRA Award – start them young.

During the run some of us had observed even been overtaken by a mad macho man – or was it a bad parent? The Captain, pushing the pram was an example of great physical endurance, but the pram was only rated to below 25 kmh, so a Child Endangerment Award was given. Just before the run, a Hash Mere had been heard to exclaim that when she looked at the calendar she always got excited because it was Nipple Monday with Ninja. Slim Shady tried to explain that this was said in mock levity, but it didn’t work.



A special Comes and Goes Award went to Mustang for departing us yet again. Opening up for nominations, Strangler accused Tallyho for going up too many false trails. Tallyho loudly declaimed that this was not true, that Strangler had been following him around like a little sheep and that this was a false accusation. The tone of voice made the large canine present lie down, so Strangler was joined by the owners of the dog, Crash and Hot Rod.

Bruce invited Crash to return to the circle for advertising with his company logo, which Tallyho countered by noting that the accuser didn’t have a Hash Shirt. Slim Shady pointed to the text on Ninja’s shirt as being Nipple Monday in Japanese, but that one failed. But she did manage to get one for Top Shelf for bringing, lord save us, cotton candy flavoured vodka to a Christmas party. None would touch the stuff so she alone drank it!

Poumuli nominated the GM for getting successfully bailed out of jail in Las Vegas. Strangler nominated the non-pink wearers, Emily, Charlie and Hobbs. Hobbs claimed to be wearing pink undies but no one wanted to see the proof. Then the Mad Hash Monk arrived, and although she looked like she had taken a Lewinsky on the outfit, called forth Mana, who was known as a bit of a slave driver. From hence forth she shall be known as Queen Biyatch.

As always there is someone at the end of a slave driver’s whip, and in this case it is the somewhat Hispanic looking Alan, who shall henceforth be known as Poolboy.

The father of Luana was called forth to take her naming, and keeping with tradition she will be known as Divine.

Latecummers Snatch and Pussysnatcher were awarded and we got to see the dance-and-spill trick for avoiding a down-down. Horny Ho had been at Ynot until they closed and saw a person asleep in his car, music on and lots of people surrounding it. At 12.25 calls were made and DMT had to take SOTB home, exhausted from chasing Mustang around.

We then had a birthday cake for Divine, followed by down-down for the parents. The hosts and the hares were saluted, being joined by Tallyho for being a “loudmouth, lying lazy old bastard pom” (SOTB – we hope this one will be responded to at Hash 1612).

Next week’s hash will be at Ladyfinger and Dried Nuts up in Vaoala – close by Mynahs. Look for the map on the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1611

Afternoon All,
Next weeks run is being kindly hosted by Eveready, Karaoke, Crash, Delicious and the theme for next weeks run is PINK! so slap on your best pink outfits and come down for what is bound to be a great hash run...

There will be a keg as well as a spread provided by the hosts. The run will be at Karaoke and Eveready's place behind Adria's Cakes. Bring your Hash Cash of $15.

Run starts 1730HRS so be on time. See map below for directions

On On

Hash Trash 1610

The hash was hosted by Tallyho at his grand lodgings in the lugubrious neighbourhood of Siusega, home to swingers, greenies and screamers! But we did not let that distract us, as the day had turned from blasting rain to blazing hot sunshine. The complete coverage of Tallyho’s sweat stains invited chortles when he said it wasn’t a challenging run. The run was set on chalk and paper, and after a brief explanation off we went. Strangler, Pussysnatcher and Poumuli mostly up front, but at the first false trail Tooth Fairy did his fair share in leading the pack. We basically took a long trek up into the neighbourhood of the Orator hotel, with a few off road diversions, before heading through the back roads to the Tafaigata road. It was a long run, with some daunting hillocks included, and the heat didn’t help – can’t wait for end of DST. Back at the lodgings we rejuvenated with the sweet nuts that had been brought by Alan.

Eveready was conned into being the GM, what with SOTB still languishing in some dank prison cell in the US. He called for those new to Apia Hash, and these were Helen from NZ, brought by Tallyho (he needed to whisper that!), and Emily and Charlie, the latter working with the Tokelau office. The GM decided that they should be tested, and a down-down was presented, in some rather unseemly jam-jars. Emily finished first! The rethreads was Screamer. The assistant Shoe Inspector PS could not find any new shoes so took the jam-jar himself.

Celebrity Awards went to the Publisher, Editor and contributing columnist of the newly launched Apia Financial Review – PS, Snatch and Sassygirl BJ. This Day in History Awards went to Emily (1957 last NZ legally executed – token Kiwi), Godfather (1979 it snowed in Sahara for the only time recorded ever – Godfather fell badly on the run, and there was no snow on his Sahara), Poumuli (1674 end of Anglo-Dutch war hands New Amsterdam to Brits who call it New York – Poumuli lived there for a number of years), and Captain Mortein (1472 Norway had to pawn off Shetlands and Orkneys to Scotland as dowry for Margaret of Denmark – not even the Captain would pay that much for some totty).

On the run a few hashers didn’t take the whole route, and when questioned by the GM admitted that they had been scared by the cows in the road. Slim Shady and Wahoo got the Bovine Intolerance Award.



In another incident, we had all seen the Captain take his little girl on the run, but when she had lost a shoe he continued running regardless! Parent of the Year Award to the Captain.

Even before the run started there had been complaints from some that could not find Tallyho’s house, but the worst offender was Horny Ho who didn’t even know what the helpful sign with “AHHH” on it meant – A Horny Horny Ho Award. A Bravery Award was issued to Godfather for not even issuing a whimper when he took his bad tumble. Godfather got the host included by insisting that it was Tallyho who had tripped him, to much grumbling protests.

After Horny Ho had arrived so did Slim Shady, who announced she was wearing a sports bra so she could run, but then of course she didn’t given her innate fear of cloven footed milk producers. She insisted that the GM should join in as he “never looks me in the eye. They are up here, dammit!” but this didn’t carry any water. Until later that is.



On a personal note, the GM had tried to order a car on-line from Japan, like we all do? Having had a major run around with the company he finally asked Ninja for assistance, and he fixed it toot sweet, so a Hero Award to Ninja. The GM was convinced that Tora! Tora! Tora! had been part of his instruction. Ninja gamely tried to get the GM one too by noting that he had been called by security guards about some suspicious looking characters on his grounds.

Last week Tallyho had warned that all must wear hash shirts at some point today, and POD had been there with the hash shirts for sale but had left early. Early Withdrawal Award for Lewinsky. The GM wanted to have at least one non-hash shirt wearing criminal sentenced, and launched on Snatch who was wearing suitable running clothes but hadn’t run. Opening up for nominations, Slim Shady had needed some help after the run from Ninja, and he had come to her assistance bare-chested, which gave her a full on view of some Nipponese hairy nipples. It was pointed out that this breached her earlier insistence of being looked in the eye!

Lewinsky was nominated for blocking the steps, according to him ostensibly to safeguard the kids from falling down from the balcony, but as he was observed several times not paying attention a Bad Parenting Award was given. Then there was the incident where Tooth Fairy had nearly brained baby Ninja with a falling cooler lid, and he was joined in his Clumsy Bugger Award by latecummer Pirate Princess.
Screamer was nominated for beating the crap out of a coconut in her attempt to get it open, while Lewinsky insisted that the Captain join in for repeatedly asking for help with the nut opening, even after so many years in Samoa. Horny Ho spotted Chi leaning. Wahoo gave a wholly unnecessary down-down to Poumuli for conking out sleeping after his long trip.

Some of us had observed what looked like a funky whip being dragged about by the kids, so Sassy nominated Tallyho for leaving his sex toys out. Tallyho took the award but pointed out that said whip was not a whip but in fact part of the furniture that the kids had by then destroyed.

Snatch tried to nominate Poumuli for leaving an empty condom packet for his wife to find. In fact this was a packet of chewing gum, so Snatch got a False Accusation Award. She was joined by Charlie for his extensive knowledge of NZ drug stores and the fact that he knew you could find the gum next to the condom section. Sassy nominated Alan for the Dedication to Hash Award, leaving his sick wife at home to come on the run.

Strangler had been at a coffee house in town, and had to wait interminably, with screaming kids running amok, only to find that his wait and torment was due to POD making a coffee for Lewinsky. This was doubled when Horny Ho pointed out that Lewinsky had brought a rusted gas bottle in lieu of the pristine Hash gas bottle. Wahoo got one for eating too early.



The Hare and Host Tallyho was saluted. We also signed a get well card for Curly who has had an unfortunate accident.

Next week’s run will be at Eveready’s. Dress in pink.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

HASH RUN 1609

Hash Run 1609 – Hot Nuts and Nut Cracker

Hot Nuts being the hare, called the circle to order, said the trail was set on paper, but that he had run out and there were pieces of plastic tied in trees towards the end. So it was out the gate, turn right. Tally Ho and Vai Vai, led the way down the paved road, sociably chatting through the green hills of Bank Street. The fearless leaders went down into a trough and back up, then splitting, with Tally Ho going one way and Strangler, Vai Vai and Phil the other, to check which way the trail went. Calls of On On by Tally Ho halted the latter and the whole group of hashers were called up to a dead end and shown what Tally Ho claimed to be a sacred hash site, being a dead end cross. He bellowed that we all needed to be brought off the real track to see it, before going back down and onto the right one. This brought much disdain from all and sundry, with shouts of “Let’s nail the bastard to a real cross,” and one expletive after another “Raucous” mumble, mumble “Old” mumble, “Antiquated” “Retard”, more mumbles “Yob.” (Roary) as he shall be referred to from now on in this report. With an incited mob around him, Roary thought escape was the better part of valour, from the clutches of a hostile crowd. Took off like a Pom threatened with a cake of soap, sensing there may be an early Easter for him, hanging around 2 pieces of timber for 4 days.

So off he scampered in his familiar short pyjamas. Down the road, with Pussy Snatcher, Strangler, Vai Vai and Phil in hot pursuit. The trail led down into the ravine and onto a familiar Hare Hot Nuts path. Out of the wilderness and obviously from ROARY, there came calls of “On across”, “On Up”, On down”, “On back”, “On On”, on something. Phil and Vai Vai were not sure of what it was he was on, but a smoky, herbal odour was in the air. They both crossed the river, but there was no Roary in sight.

The crowd soon gathered around looking for the trail but still no call of “On On” from Roary, who claims that he always does and berates others for not “On On’ing.” After much scouting around by the Captain and Pussy Snatcher, the group in the valley was complete. The river was crossed in many places, none of which saved anybody’s shoes from getting wet. Some giggly girls at the back were helped across by Tooth Fairy and Chi. All of a sudden good old Strangler, god bless his ponytail got the scent and off he flew calling “On On” with great gusto, becoming our FL (fearless leader), led us through thickets, brambles, up and down muddy slopes, yelling all the time, “On On” and Lewinsky joining in the excitement a little further back relaying the call to the back runners and at the same time running block down the muddy slopes to stop Vai Vai sliding down in to the ravine (what a guy). Pussy Snatcher was there, took a double take on the steepened slope of a near fatal fall of a year or so ago. Crime earned a chivalry nomination for helping Moa, some of the new hashers and others at one of the tricky bits.

Then nearing the top, in the misty light appeared a vision of a wild thing with grey flowing hair (and spectacles), stood ROARY, looking like some sort of phoenix rising out of smoke and ashes. After not hearing from him for some time and his disappearance, it was quite a mysterious vision. He shook his mane, cleared his throat and ordered in a great roar, “HASH HALT YOU BUNCH OF *^%#&@ !” mumbling like that of speaking in tongues, words that sounded such as -- “It Ain’t Half Hot Mum” – something about being a “Sergeant Major”, “Up the Jungle”, “What a bunch of Poofs”, then claiming leadership rights as said Sergeant Major, snapping out orders to the Captain and Vai Vai to hold ground and await further orders from HQ. Having had enough of Roary’s delirium, the good Captain threatened to take to him with his “custy rutlass” but Vai Vai intervening, realised that the dear old chap must have taken another puff, verbally slapped old Roary around, reminding him that it was not Burma 1943, but 2012 Samoa Hash, “You silly old stoned goat, you’ve overdosed on your meds again haven’t you.” With this old Roary bolted off again into a clearing the wrong way and was not seen again until found licking the tap of the cauldron back at base.

Even though Hot Nuts was standing pointing towards plastic wrapped trees there was no turning Roary to the right path, on which Captain, Lewinsky, Vai Vai, Phil and Pussy Snatcher went to the road and on home, to complete another excellent run set by H Nuts, which all the rest of the hashers completed and thoroughly enjoyed.

Acting GM Sassy Girl BJ called the circle to order. It was good to see a professional in full flight, as she flew into recalcitrants, criminals and hairy mongrels alike with great enthusiasm. A brilliant sight to behold. With her blood up, it was obvious to see that she is related to the Monk, as she ordered liquid lashes to the accused.

The GM welcomed and asked for those new to Hash to come forward. Chi (Vai Vai & Moa), Gloria & Gardenia (Tooth Fairy), Brendan, Frances & Michelle (absent Hornithologist), Jasmine (4WD). Tooth Fairy and 4WD drank for not sufficiently educating their guests. Rethreads were: Phil (visiting from Noumea), Slim Shady (slacking) and 4WD back from Aust/NZ with his fiancé (Jasmine).

With the highlight of the day having been the Manu’s win over NZ, 2 Manu reps – 4WD, Lewinsky and 2 NZ reps – Ladyfinger, Bruce were awarded down downs to celebrate. The GM also received an award for SOTB being spotted at the 7’s on TV. The GM called forth Whitney Houston fans, with Chi being the only one brave enough to admit it. The doctors in the hash (except Nut Cracker, who escaped to the kitchen), Tooth Fairy, Witch Doctor, Gardenia and Hot Nuts were accused of prescribing the wrong meds . All then took their medicine. Captain Mortein received his regular Bad Parenting award for going on the run, leaving his daughter in the vicinity of an unfenced pool and precipitous cliff. Similarly, Ninja received a Lousy Husband award for leaving Hiromi to look after the kids while he ran.

The GM asked for nominations from the run. Tally Ho was quick off the mark in accusing the hare of tying prophylactics to trees. Through the commotion of the hare’s defence and Ladyfinger receiving a Moron award from the GM for talking in the circle, Strangler accused Hot Nuts of Environmental Vandalism, using plastic to mark the trail after running out of paper. The false accusation defence then being that the plastic was recycled rubbish. It was pointed out that Hot Nuts had not in fact run out of paper and that another bag full was found in his house. Some dubious connection was also made to include Pussy Snatcher in this award. Chivalry awards went to Crime, Lewinsky and Chi for helping fellow Hashers through tricky spots on the run. Ladyfinger accused Tally Ho of deception after leading the Hash to the aforementioned “sign of the cross.” Tally Ho drank, as did Ladyfinger for being longwinded. Vai Vai accused Tally Ho of being militaristic when he’d declared a Hash Stop, ordered the Captain & V V to stay put, instead of finding the trail so they’d be ready to move on when all arrived. Hot Nuts then arrived to point to the right trail, which Tally Ho didn’t take anyway. Tally Ho’s defence that it was a Hash “Pause” was dismissed. Both drank, VV for being longwinded. In addition Strangler noted that the Captain had turned up to run with 2 left shoes and borrowed a pair from H Nuts. The false accusation defence that they were actually right shoes resulted in down downs for both. In actual fact they were both left (your Scribe and others witnessed that), so the good Cap’n scuttled the Strangler good. Tally Ho attacked Vai Vai and called him into the centre. He was reminded by V V that he wasn’t the GM, just another hasher like the rest of us. He then turned his attention to Strangler, accusing him of not calling On On (false accusation) which resulted in the GM telling Tally Ho to be quiet, she’d obviously had enough of his puff and wind.

Your scribe presented On This Day awards: 1909 sinking in NZ of SS Penguin - being a flightless bird, Frances as closest living relative of Hornithologist; 1978 Sydney Hilton Hotel bombing kills 2 garbage men – Capt Mortein and Strangler collecting bones for their dogs; 1994 theft of Munch’s Scream from Oslo Museum by Slippery (budding artist) – this was accompanied by visual representation of said painting by Vai Vai, providing full dental work display. Lastly, 1994 Bill Clinton was avoided impeachment, Lewinsky, naturally.

A celebrity award for the photo of the Laughing Samoans’ Aunty Tala in the Observer went to Wahoo. Lewinsky targeted Sexpot for his daughter’s photo in the paper at the fun run, plus his Westpac advert on TV trying to get all our money. Also on celebrities past (or passed), Vai Vai drank as closest living relative of Ben Vai, winner of the Elvis lookalike contest, nominated by Fireman Sam.

Slippery received a Not in Front of the Children award for stripping to his budgie smugglers for a swim and trying to provoke another Munch’s Scream. This became a double for failing to remove his hat. Then recognition of hash birthdays – Sexpot (40) and Desperate Housewife (25).

With a good sniff, shoe inspector Vai Vai declared Brendan’s shoes to be new, Pussy Snatcher came with nostrils flared to confirm same.

The GM accused Fireman Sam of Abuse of Govt Vehicles, when he used one to pick up an obese, dead pig from her place. He later countered with a Cruelty to Animals accusation for the GM electrocuting said pig (tasars & electric fences are one thing, but live 240v??). He also had the added trauma of later finding 9 unborn piglets (snacks for Walking Eagle).

Late-cummer award went ProBoner, followed by an accusation by Slim Shady regarding a conveniently lost phone when a walk up Mt Vaea was imminent. Another Late-cummer, Jerry, was recognised for dedication to Hash when he went back to Vailima for an extra thingummybob to prevent loss of Hash nectar.

A large down down went to Horny Ho for bringing the hash mugs back filthy. Tooth Fairy came to the rescue, but a small down down was immediately added for HH wearing a hat.

Hot Nuts as host, thanked Godfather for the niu, food contributors, Titty G and Nutcracker. Hare and host down downs were taken by Hot Nuts, Nut Cracker and Titty G. Godfather then finished off the circle with a rendition of “Cupid” for married couples to waltz to for Valentine’s Day.

Reminder that POD still has some 1600th Hash t shirts for $25. Sexpot modelled, working the poolside catwalk.

Next week’s Hash is to be hosted by Tally Ho (Roary) - byo ear plugs. See the blog for more details.

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This trash was prepared for you by acting scribe, Moa (Chook) in the absence of our climate change hero Poumuli!!!!

Hash Run 1610

Greeting Hashers from Sydney.

Next Monday's run will be hosted by Tallyho at his "castle" in Siusega. No theme has been announced yet.

Run starts at 17.30 as usual. Bring your hash cash of $15.

Will post more details if I get them. Will try and get the google map posted.


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Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1609

Morning All, trust you all had a great weekend.

Monday's run will be hosted by Hot Nuts and Nut Cracker at their home in Vaoala (Bank Street). No theme for the run, just turn up with your running gear and a change of clothes.

Please note that it is also a BYO Food run. There will be a BBQ there, so pls bring something to contribute to throw on the BBQ or a salad or something. There will be a Keg as per the norm.

See the Map for Directions.

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