Hash Trash 1593

The Hash was hosted by the Ninja Family out in Vaigaga. A heavy rain the last few days and dark clouds made it a cool and pleasant evening for a run. A rather oblique instruction to head right was the first of many false trails. Finding the right trail we set off into the industrial zone past Yazaki, but we were soon tramping down little used paths and through a variety of household gardens. While Ninja had used an excessive amount of paper, when there were check points we were (un)helpfully guided by a bunch of local kids. Basically a good run with mostly road but some bush, and on home we went for a taste of Godfather’s ever-sweet nuts.

SOTB had hung back for most of the run, and was thirsty but coherent, and called the circle to order, bringing out the newbies to Hash. These were Takrea (UNESCO), Samuel (claimed to be Dusatrois), Philip, Rowan (brought by someone called Nobu?), Nao and Kano who both got Ninja’s name right. Rowan landed Ninja with a down down though.

There were no new shoes found, so Shoe Inspector Snake got his just rewards. The rethreads were Ladyfinger, Dried Nuts, Screamer, Strangler, Snake and Ben. Celebrity Awards went to FBI (closest living relative was deemed to be Captain Mortein), Pirate Princess (headline Angry Woman Shoots Man), and Lewinsky for being in the biography of Steve Jobs. Ladyfinger had been listening to the radio at 3 AM and heard a whingeing environmentalist woman blather on and on, and this had to be Screamer.

This Day in History saw a multitude of Hungarian events , the 1593 start of the Long War (only lasted ten years), the 1956 Hungarian revolt (no argument that they are), and the 1989 declaration of the Hungarian Republic – all for Zsa Zsa. In 42 BC the Roman general Marc Antony defeated Brutus, causing him to commit suicide, which was all too reminiscent of our feelings towards the GM – SOTB. Lewinsky had helpfully dug up the gem that in 1917 Denmark sold the Virgin Islands to the US for a pittance – Captain Mortein.

Before the GM could get warmed up, Ali was called forward for leaving his car lights on and for leaning. Not losing his thread, the GM had heard disturbing news of a hasher having lost his pussy. While a renaming was not immediately condoned, a Pussyloser Award went to Pussysnatcher. The GM had also been impressed with a hasher sporting a new Samoan tattoo, or as they are also known, hideously disfiguring coral gashes, and our Hungarian surfer Zsa Zsa was joined in the award by Slim Shady who had been chattering about someone called April.

In further news, the GM had been informed that a hash mere had been walking by the road, been offered a ride by a fellow hasher, declined and continued past a rugby practice filed. Intrigued by the muscular gents, she had girded her loins and watched intently. So much so that she was invited to dinner by Lolo Lui. But she DECLINED! Cockblocker Award to Spanky.

We have all seen the increasing spammage activity on the Hash Blog, and through investigative data specialist Lewinsky, the GM had determined that it had to be Slim Shady. She defended herself vigorously by pointing out that Lewinsky can’t even operate a calculator, so by popular vote Lewinsky joined in the Hacker Award. The GM then gave Fang the Wearing Husbands Clothes Award, as she had on Snake’s shirt, but we didn’t ask what else.

After continuous (or is it continual) chattering from Slim Shady, the Dome of Silence was awarded. Picking up again after a mutinous refusal, the GM wondered if after the RWC defeat if there were any Frenchies in the circle, or barring that anyone who’s had any French in them – Screamer and our local Dusatrois were given the Défaite Glorieuse Award. Not to be outdone, two Kiwi volunteers were needed for the Not Choked Award, and this went to Lewinsky and Ladyfinger. In fact a special request for this had been called in by Brazilian Wax!

Opening up for nominations, Spanky offered the Grandfather Award for Crime, while POD nominated Wahoo and Poumuli for the Wedding Anniversary Award. Sondra was trying to say something, but spilled her beer and was joined by Godfather for being overdressed at Hash. Poumuli gave an Environmental Award to Ninja for setting the trail with as much paper as we normally go through in a year. It didn’t end for Ninja there, as his mate Takrea was leaning and Ninja obviously hadn’t told him all the rules.

Hornithologist nominated Spanky for personally getting through 3 beer towers in 3 nights. This is commendable, but no one saw fit to point this out for a backfire. Happily SOTB was forced to join in as a shareholder in all 3 establishments.
Lewinsky had been waiting patiently for Snake to install a new generator, but for some reason the technological terms had puzzled him and it was actually an inverter. Poumuli had to join in for pointing out that this was pedantry, or in plain English pure fuckery. (yes Strangler they are both real words)

Snake wanted to know why we were gulping from pretty tea mugs, and where were the Hash Mugs? Crash Bandicoot was absent, and while we thought Captain Mortein was his closest living relative this instead was bestowed on SOTB. Ninja brought forth the Angry Bird Hat, and asked one of the newcomers who had declined to join the circle as the hashers appeared to her as weird and scary – so a true Chicken Award to Kyoko. Slim Shady joined in for her repeated escapes from the Dome of Silence.
Pirate Princess announced that Jasmine had turned 5 yesterday, and that Captain Mortein had made the perfect cake, so a Boulanger Award was required. Screamer tried to get Pirate for teaching daughters about down downs, but she went into FBI-mode, and since the girls have been to Hash since inception, it was decided that this one should backfire. Hornithologist joined because she is leaving Samoa.

Ali had been driving over the hill when he spotted two hashers beating some people who had crashed into their garbage – Sondra and Ben got a Waste Management (Reservoir Dogs style) Award. But Ben pointed out that Ali had presented himself as a Doctor to alleviate the suffering, so a Non-Doogie Howser Award was required. Further on medical issues, Witch Doctor was called forth to explain her grievous coral cut wounds, but was cut short and was joined by Kat for the Coral Mining Award.

The Hosts and the Hare were saluted as we were salivating over what was a sumptuous Japanese meal.

And finally, we should all ask the question: Did Philip fart?



On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1593 - Vaigaga with Ninja and Family (aka Team Japan)

Morning All, Today's run will be hosted by Ninja and Family at their home in Vaigaga. The hosts have kindly offered to provide the spread for this evening, so I am sure there will be some scrumptious special treats tonight!

Directions: Head down towards Vaitele, and just before you get to Lotto Samoa and the Chinese Supermarket on the right hand side (just after One Stop Rentals) take the turn off on the right and head down the road. The house is the 3rd house on the right hand side with a green roof.

There will be a keg and softies as usual. There is no theme for the day, so come in your regular hash gear. Run starts at 1730HRS so try be on time and don't forget to bring your hash cash!

On On

Hash Trash 1592

The Hash was hosted by Tasha and Jade at YNot Bar, and Dumass was the Hare. He announced that he had set the trail on flour, an entirely unnecessary statement given the state of his shorts, cap, hair and shades. He looked like a disgruntled baker basically. His vague instructions turned out to have been based on some evil deviousness, as he had introduced heaps of false trails to a familiar neighbourhood. The first was well hidden behind a parked car, and Hot Nuts and Poumuli were already well on their way down the correct trail, but obediently backtracked towards YNot where the trail – false – went into some shitty overgrown garbage dump. Back out onto the Vaiala Beach Road, the trail was scantily marked for the most, but with a flurry of marks elsewhere – very erratic. Anyway, out past the UN offices and down Vaiala Vini Road, with a false trail down to the Apia Park tennis courts, back down into someone’s yard and along the creek. Such an intense stench of garbage and pig-poo, but we re-joined the road and went on-home along Beach Road. So inventive use of this part of town by Dumass, except that daylight savings time is making our low altitude runs bloody hot. Maybe we should start at 6PM?

The circle was called to order by SOTB the GM, who called forth any newbies to Apia Hash, these were Kat and Colum. The rethreads were Poumuli, Do Me Twice, Mike the Banker, Hooker Lua, Hornithologist and Anita. Titty Galore had been spotted running in new shoes, and had hidden them from sight. However the alternative of drinking from the GM’s shoes had the magical effect of their retrieval. She was later joined by Anita who did hers with amazing alacrity.

Celebrity Awards went to Godfather, SOTB, Sassygirl BJ, Poumuli, POD (Lewinsky) and Wahoo for being in the Observer. This Day in History Awards went to Hot Nuts and Ninja for being UN types on World Food Day, Captain Mortein for the 1016 defeat by the Danes of the Saxons and battle of Ashington, and Dumass and Lewinsky our two publicans for the 1814 London Beer Flood, in which 323,000 gallons of beer were released killing 9, mostly resisting rescuing. They were joined by Crime and Kirsten for leaning, shortly followed by Colum.

On the run one hasher had been observed playing soccer with some kids, and nearly getting run over in the process, so the Rooney Roadkill Award went to Ali. The GM had been watching something called Rugby League on the weekend, and called for two token Kiwis and Kangaroos – Mike and DMT. DMT had been nattering along the whole time, so the GM awarded her the new Dome of Silence, which is actually more of a Skeletor mouth guard, but seems to work.

Lewinsky was called forth for an explanation as to why his establishment would be the last bar standing on Beach Road, but no credible explanation came other than a reference to a vague shadowy character called Jay, so the Mafia Award was doubled. The GM had a further award for a Kiwi hasher who plays with an Ozzie – Cockblocker for the Quade Cooper Lookalike Award. There was much mumbling from the Dome of Silence and repeated knocks to the head were required.

Then there was the Hash Mere whose face is on the Rock the Boat billboard – Huge Celebrity Award to Tasha. Another Hasher had managed to get two tickets to the RWC Finals, and had not offered one to the GM, so a Sensible Move Award went to Mike.
Opening up for nominations, Poumuli stepped forward having received numerous reports of the GM’s growing despotism and that he was acting like a two-headed demon, so he produced for him a 2-Headed Satan Cup for his future down downs.

Sassygirl nominated Pirate Princess and Captain Mortein for fighting in public, but after some explanation this was amended to the Foreplay Award. Lewinsky nominated Horny Ho for advertising, as she was wearing a Playboy Bunny hat, and with no reply forthcoming she got the Are You Ready For A Good Time Big Boy Award. Kat got one for false accusation – something about the GM and phones.

Poumuli recalled how the Perimeter Relay prize t-shirts were white, but that Lewinsky’s was pink. Seeing what he was wearing the explanation was obvious, as POD denied washing them together – Washing While Home Alone Award to Lewinsky. At this point Titty G was spotted trying to re-arrange Godfather’s garments but instead made it look like an exposition, so she was given the Wait Til You Get Home Award.
Dumass complained that at the last Hash the food had run out, yet he had seen Lewinsky tucking away at a whole meaty leg. Apparently this was a set-up by the GM, so both of them got it. Pirate Princess nominated Deirdry for breaking a glass. Horny Ho picked up her indignant tone to accuse Godfather of indecent exposure at Matareva for wearing his tight yellow budgie smugglers. This backfired as Horny Ho had obviously gotten excited about it. Godfather was then awarded an Angry Bird hat to go with his budgie smugglers.

The Apia Hash Mad Monk then made an appearance, and called forth Kirsten, who has voodoo magic tricks and sorcery skills of a medicinal nature. She shall henceforth be known as Witch Doctor.

Calling forth Tasha and Jade, the Mad Monk noted that there had been a lot of diving recently in Samoa, lots of it. Henceforth Tasha shall be known as 60 and Jade as 9’er.

CB then nominated our Japanese friends for pumping money into SPREP. Poumuli tried to get the GM for not being sufficiently skilled at SPAM blocking on the blog, but this backfired. Titty G nominated the cooks for doing a good job – indeed! And then Slim Shady turned up late.

Mike had a distressing story to tell of a young lady, left pregnant and barefoot while her husband took off to New Zealand. Yes, the Husband of the Year Award to Lewinsky, who was muttering incoherently by now.
Slim Shady nominated Ninja for losing the Chicken Hat. No he said, it was in his bedroom. While we all agreed that he should have a down-down, that particular chicken hat can be his forever now. Sassygirl was leaning and DMT was mumbling so we gave her a beer.

The Hare and the Hosts, 60, 9’er, Dumass and Tasi were saluted, and a fine feast of BBQ and assorted salads was consumed.
Next week will be with Team Japan out in Vaigaga somewhere, check the blog.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1592 - Ynot Bar - Rugby World Cup Run

Please note that I had to go in and edit the GM's post for spelling!
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Morning All,
Sorry for the late post. Today's run will be at the Y-Not Bar at Matautu. Tasha and Jade are kindly hosting the run tonight. The Theme for the run is Rugby World Cup Final so don your All Blacks or French Rugby gear for tonight's run. Or any other World Cup related gear.

Run starts at 1730Hrs and there will be a keg and food there....See you all then!

On On

White Sunday Hash Run - Matareva Beach

Next weeks run will be a BYO Run at Matareva Beach on the south coast...We aren't 100% sure if the beach is open, but we will head there for the run and if it is, then we will have it there, if not, then we will move to Tafatafa beach (backup)

Run starts at 2pm, so try and be there around lunch time to 1pm to give you sufficient time to head to Tafatafa if we have to. There will be beers there (no keg but crates) but if you want to party hard, then bring your extra beers/drinks. We will have the hash BBQ there so bring something to throw on the BBQ unless you have something else pre-prepared that you wish to bring.

Also, if anyone wants to set the run, please let me know as we're looking for a hare.

Map is below for directions

On On

If there are changes or you are lost, call SOTB on 7500767

Hash Trash Run 1590

When HASH is hosted at Y Not Bar in Matautu, there are some pros and cons. The Pros are that it is a great venue and always a great feed but the cons are that your scribe ran into some friends visiting from Australia and got distracted for the first few rounds of downdowns!

Starting from this day in history – On October 3 a long long time ago, a Danish slave ship sank, killing everyone onboard. The resident Dane Captain Mortein took his first of many downdowns for the night due to his Danish ancestry and poor captaining skills.

GM Awards started with stories from the weekend. One Hashman was sleeping after attending a hash birthday party and heard dogs barking outside his house. Assuming they were howling at the moon, he thought nothing of it. In reality there was a new moon and the dogs were barking at the ninjas who broke in to his house! Downdowns for Ben for sleeping and Ninja for passing his ninja skills to the locals!

Latecomers Broboner, Pirate Princess and newbie Deidre took their turn in the middle and GM awards continued. Hotnutz caught his first marlin-80kgs! Dev was in the bar but didn’t come us as a retread! Titty G told the GM she bought new shoes and was going to try to run in them but then didn’t even walk AND didn’t bring the shoes! Not sure what happened but GM took off his shoes and I think Titty G begged forgiveness and promised to bring her own next week.

Before the run when Ninja Mom was rocking Ninja Baby in the pram as Sassy Girl was looking on adoringly, Captain remarked to SOTB that Sassy probably wants grandchildren. The truth though, is that POD heard Captain say he’d help her make them! We’re not sure Captain understands that just because he’s old, doesn’t mean his babies count as grandchildren, but we’ll give him a downdown and leave it at that.

Birthdays: Dumass, SOTB, Snake, Tasha, and Shafter 

Goodbye to ACDC who left later that night on his American Dance tour (http://www.waterisrising.com). Hello to Deidre who was a latecomer so didn’t get to introduce herself the first time – she works at CV and was brought by people named Desh and Court? Downdowns for them whole lot of em!

On to awards from the floor: Sassy Girl dobbed in Ali for leaning and Godfather for not explaining the rules, but Godfather nominated Swinger as his whipping boy. Hotnutz nominated shortcutters Hideo and wife whose only excuse was, “we followed Sassy!”

Chili’s bag got stolen at ACDC’s semiengagement party last week so the two of them were nominated. Yours truly took her turn in the middle because I invited my friend on a walk today but didn’t exactly tell him we were walking to hash… oops! Ever since Captain said he wanted to make grandbabies with Sassy, Pirate Princess was latched on to her Captain. This did not escape Sassy’s attention. Wonder if it was Captain or Sassy who wanted those babies more?

With so few nominations from the floor, I nominated Wahoo for singing her little but off! Our side of the circle, which had more than 10 people, was barely singing except for Wahoo. This was painfully obvious when she was the one getting a downdown!

In honor of the epic game where Tonga kicked some Frog butt, everyone wearing Tonga Red represented them (Ben and Hot Nutz). More in sports, the Sea Eagles beat the Warriors in the Rugby League Championship and anyone with Australian blood stepped up to represent. That was Jade even though she claimed she’s from Melbourne, where people don’t watch that stuff.

Roadkill award to Kirsten for almost getting run over 4 times on the run. Shortcutter award from Sassy, the self proclaimed Queen of Shortcuts, who came back to find Wahoo and her friend already sitting down!

Loser award to GM who made the Nafanua team loose in their Regatta because he refused to paddle in the finals! Dumass followed that up with another award for GM – Dumass claimed GM offered to set the run but by 4:45 he still hadn’t set it. Dumass dragged his sad, flu ridden body out of bed and called him to see what was what. Right of reply, GM DID set the run! It was on flour with 4 false trails and a great run according to the front running bastards. Downdown awarded to Dumass for ungratefulness!

Finally, host and hare: ACDC had left already to catch his plane, but Tasi, Dumass and SOTB took their downdowns with grace. Dinner was a great spread prepared mostly by Tasi, including crab- seafood – curry -palusami! Delish!
Next week is White Sunday, so Monday is a Public Holiday. Run will be at 2 at a beach/swimming pool. Still looking for hosts so anyone who is interested please contact Spanky at 7262122!

ONON!

Spanky

Hash Run 1590 - Ynot Bar

Morning All,
Next weeks run is going to be down at Y-Not Bar in Matautu. Dumass AC/DC and the Nafanua Club will be hosting the run on Monday. Run will start at 1730 Hrs as normal and there will also be a keg there on the day.

There is no theme at the moment, but check back on Monday in case we update the blog...See you all then!

Other things happening this week:

Friday (5:30pm onwards) Tiafau Fale, Millenia, AC/DC's semi engagement Party
Saturday (1pm onwards) - Nafanua Paddling Regatta (Ynot Bar, Matautu)
Saturday (7:30pm onwards) - Zha Zha and Slim Shaddy's Birthday party at Zha Zha's place (Vaoala) Theme: G or M

On On

Hash Trash 1589

Buenos Dias from Panama, and thanks to Spanky for the Hash Trash
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slt

Even with daylight savings giving us some extra sunlight, it was still chilly up in Afiamalu where Ben and Sondra hosted their first HASH last night. As it was their first time hosting, there was some confusion and nobody set a run. Pussy snatcher stepped up to lead the few hashers who managed to find the house on the top of the mountain.

New to Apia HASH were Trevor from Houston brought by Pussy Snatcher and Joey from Hawaii who is ACDC’s fiancé! ACDC joined them in their welcome down down because apparently in the few weeks he has known Joey he forgot to tell her to call him ACDC. Also, his belt buckle said ACDC.

Retreads were Yuki who has been scubadiving, Ninja and wife who went to Tokelau and ACDC who was busy looking after Ninja in Tokelau. And getting engaged!
With no Poumuli to bring evidence, Celebrity awards were considerably less reliable than usual. Godfather’s sister was seen on TV at Eden Park so closest living relative was deemed Captain Mortein. World Peace Day was Last Wednesday and there were beautiful pictures of Snatch’s mom (CLR Pussy Snatcher) and Slim Shady.
SOTB is such a technologically advanced GM that he has been storing his awards on his phone and reading them off, which is great unless Lewinsky calls the GM in the middle of the circle! First GM award of the night was telephones Interuptus for SOTB. This was not the last telephones interuptus from cheeky Lewinsky who was home sick but still managed to give out downdowns to those who forgot to turn off their phones in the circle.

Continuing with GM awards, someone claimed to see Spanky eating at Pinatis with a group of boys on Saturday night and not sharing her food! I took the downdown but for the record I did share!!! In the theme of superhero masks, ZsaZsa spent hours working on his Troy-inspired broom on cardboard helmet instead of doing important work at UN! DMT said this was a false accusation because she had seen GM wearing that helmet at a previous costume party, but GM didn’t care and sent them both to the middle. Earlier in the night Chilindrina kicked GM’s beer over on his feet and then refilled it with a cup of foam – how rude! Final GM award was for the closest living relative to Eliota Fuimaono-Sapolu, who recently made comments about how unfair world cup scheduling was. Unfortunately for Pirate Princess, she is somehow related. Some in the circle thought this was an unfair downdown and GM was acting a bit Hitler.

A couple of birthdays in the group – ZsaZsa who took his downdown after inviting us all to his fantasy themed birthday party he is cohosting with Slim Shady (Dress as your fantasy starting with an M or a G– I’m thinking of dressing as our GM!). Sadly, it is Kareoke’s birthday too but she is home sick! Everready was sad that they couldn’t go out to Kokobanana for her birthday…so he left her at home to be sick and came to Hash alone!

On to awards from the floor- some burning plastic smells from the BBQ got Ben, Captain and Snake in the middle, CB’s marine life inspired tattoo got him one, ZsaZsa asked Slim Shady to buy him lubricant while she was in NZ and this inspired a round of downdowns as well. ACDC, who has been in Tokelau for a while, nominated the GM for “look good and do good GM. Better now.” This comment on GM’s improvement was graciously accepted, but the rebuttal was that ACDC left Samoa speaking English and came back having lost it! Double downdown because ACDC was also leaning… on his fiancé. They were, like, totally making out.

On to what we were all interested to hear – how did Joey and ACDC meet? She went on an archeological did in Tokelau and it was like two magnets drawn together in the night. And also, there’s not a lot of guys in Tokelau. We are all humbly invited to their engagement bbq at Milenia on Friday. In ACDC’s words, theme is “no fancy.”
Many nice costumes and masks were on display, but there were some who came with no mask and raided the garden. Jungle Raider award from Sassy to Dumass, Crime, Pussy Snatcher and Slim Shady for all the leaves on their heads. A double to Dumass who had two leaves pointing up and looked like a playboy bunny, err, bush bunny.
At least the jungle raiders had costumes though! Team Japan made the effort to come all the way up the mountain and yet made no effort to make a costume! This did not go unnoticed by Sassy.

Hookalua held up a white ie in the circle and nominated the one who had lost their skirt. ZsaZsa looked down to his shorts then up with a red face. He claimed the dogs grabbed it… but we think it might have had something to do with the excess of lube from NZ.

GM noticed however that Hookalua had only given one award but had been talking the whole time! And, he brought her a mask which she refused to wear. Downdown for Hookalua!

Slim Shady, in her lubrication obsessed state, shared a disturbing comment Pussy Snatcher made earlier about how he doesn’t like manufactured lube but prefers it natural…by using snails. She of course also got voted in because somehow all of Slim’s nominations seem to backfire on her as well.
ACDC had one more nomination, but to be honest I have no idea what he said. Something about “making chef” and all the bbq boys took their downdown (Captian Mortein and Snake).

At this point in the circle there was much chatter and neither GM nor Sassy appreciated the lack of respect for the circle! No Respect for Authority Double downdowns for DMT, Slim and Sondra. Sondra has gotten this a few weeks in a row but she hasn’t even been named yet so she better watch out or when she gets her name she’s not going to like it!

Last award was for Crime who stayed behind the front running bastards and did the whole run with Sassy, even encouraging her to complete the whole thing. Malo Crime!
Thanks to Hosts Ben and Sondra for putting on a great spread! Pussy Snatcher says it was the best oka he has ever tasted!

To recap, here is the schedule of upcoming events:
Friday – ACDC and Joey’s engagement party at Milenia. Theme is No Fancy.
Saturday day – Nafanua hosts a social paddling regatta. Anyone interested in rowing contact CB. Starts at noon.

Saturday night – Slim Shady and ZsaZsa’s birthday party at Zsazsa’s place. Theme is dress as your fantasy starting with an M or a G.
Monday Oct 3– Hash at Y Not Bar in Matautu – hosted by Dumass and ACDA. Also a farewell for ACDC (another one!) as he leaves Monday night for the Water Is Rising tour, dancing for climate change. (http://www.waterisrising.com) THEME of run – WATER IS RISING.
Monday Oct 10 – Holiday run for White Sunday – still looking for hosts! Anyone interested can contact Spanky at 7262122 thanks!

On On
Spanky

Hash Trash 1588

Kia Ora from Aotearoa. This is a bit rushed but hoping you all will have a good time next week. Look out for us in the Samoa Fiji game!

The Hash was hosted by Zsa Zaa, Chilindrina and Slim Shady up on Bank Street. It was a fine cool evening which was good as many runners were suffering since the Relay. The trail was a familiar one from Zsa Zsa, except he did it in reverse this time. It was really hard getting down the trail into the valley, and when there it was the usual straight back up the cow pastures and on home. Not too long but made us sweat.

SOTB was willing to be GM, probably as he had a bunch of revenge to mete out. He called forth the newbies and these were Yuko and Hide from Japan, Neil from Fiji guest of Horny Ho, and our famous singer Ben Vai and Rosabelle who claimed to be the hired help. The rethreads were Snake, Dumass and we warmly welcomed Mustang Sally. Celebrity Awards went to Zsa Zsa, Poumuli and Hot Nuts (SPREP meeting photo in Observer), Sassygirl BJ (full page story on leadership in Observer), Lewinsky (free advertising in Observer), Swinger (Mom’s letter to the Editor) and Lezzie (returning photo from SPG, which Captain Mortein took as closest living relative).

This Day in History Awards went to Zsa Zsa – Hungary admitted to League of Nations in 1922; POD for St Ariane of Phrygia Day which SOTB took; US Constitution Day to Spanky; International Talk Like A Pirate Day to Pirate Princess and Captain Mortein; and this was the day Monica Lewinsky started her psychology degree at Lewis and Clark College.

The GM started his awards, naming Swinger for excessive running today. He presented a Commitment Award to Mustang for coming to Hash straight from the airport instead of seeing her family. Apparently Dumass had blown away a bunch of kids during a school beach day run. Karaoke got the No Faith Award for thinking the teams wouldn’t finish the relay, while a Scandalous Rumour Award went to Hot Nuts and Cockblocker for being left alone in the house with Pauline playing doctors and nurses following her dramatic sprained ankle incident.

Poumuli then nominated Lewinsky for wanting a white stain on the blue running shirts, but was forced to join in for leaning towards an FBI award. Sassy nominated Ben for doing a good job keeping Sondra quiet this time – didn’t last. Captain Mortein noted that on October 5 a ruthless dictator in Italy was hung by his ankles and wondered if there was another ruthless dictator present whose birthday fell on the same day – SOTB accepted the Mussolini Honourable Mention Award.

CB wanted to recognize a hasher for all the help provided in support of the relay, and nominated Slippery for a Hero Award. Poumuli got this doubled with a Hiding Candle under the Bushel Award, as Francis’s photos were much better than Slippery’s and there were no boob-shots to edit out.

Hooker Lua nominated Neil and Crime for Knights in Shining Armour Award for rescuing her on the run. CB and Ben got an FRB Award for not calling On On, while Sassy nominated Slim Shady for the Poledancing Award for, well doing just that in the bushes on the run!

Poumuli nominated Sassy for the Good Parenting Award, because according to the blog she gave her offspring more than 4 down downs last hash. Damien stepped forward and nominated Ben for the Lost in Translation Award. He had asked whether the red hibiscus flowers were the flour we were supposed to follow. Lewinsky nominated Snake for the Services to Hash Award for sponsoring kegs to the after party, When it was pointed out that Godfather had sponsored the other one then Swinger was identified as closest living relative to his disdain.

We had some advertising awards that were lost to posterity before we thanked the hosts and hare, who had put on a great feast thanks to the Curry House plus hot dogs from Rosabelle and Ben. POD got in a Luckiest Hash Mere Award to Wahoo for her extensive travel schedule.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Talofa,

Next weeks run is going to be hosted by Ben and Sondra up at their home in Afiamalu (top of the Cross Island Road) They live 2 houses up from the infamous Taito Phillip Fields house on the top of the Cross Island Road.

Directions: Head up the Cross Is Rd and go past Kelsey Land and the Bahai Temple and look for the 2nd house after Taito's place. If you drive past the turn off to Lake Lanuto'o, then you have gone too far. Look out for the hash cars and paper on the Road...the house is opposite the Aggie Greys cattle farm

Hosts have offered to provide the spread and hash will also have a keg ready for Monday's run. There is a theme for the day...its MASKED SUPER HERO'S...prize for the most creative Masked Super Hero :)

Run starts at 1730HRS so be prompt and also bring your hash cash, and something warm to wear after the run as it will be quite cold up there.

Map is below for those that don't know where to go.
On On

Hash Trash 1587

Mismanagement had declared that since we had two Hash Teams running in the Samoa Perimeter Relay it would be counted as an official Hash Run. The teams – A Band of Angels and Cocktails on the Rocks – had been training hard, none more than SOTB and Lewinsky. Captain Mortein was convinced that they had lost over 50 kgs between them. Band of Angels consisted of SOTB, Lewinsky, Poumuli, Hot Nuts, Ben and Pauline, while Coctails had Captain Mortein, Pussysnatcher, Cockblocker, Zsa Zsa, young Mark and Mike. We had a wonderful support crew, amongst them Sassygirl BJ, Crash Bandicoot, POD, Wahoo, Damien, Swinger, Do Me Twice, Slim Shady, Pirate Princess and the two wonderful masseuses provided by Godfather. The Angels started its run at 5.15 AM and Cocktails at 5.50 AM. Can’t really say much about the actual run as it blurred into heat induced exhaustion after a while. The first two legs were alright but then the heat really began to make a difference. Cocktails passed the Angels at Le Mafa Pass and graciously encouraged the Angels, a big difference from the “we will take you down” taunting that Captain had engaged in when their team had first begun to catch up. Special mention should be made of the heroic efforts of SOTB and Lewinsky – especially the finish which SOTB actually sprinted. Damien was photographing the whole event and this should make for interesting viewing.

Most of us buggered off before the awards ceremony to shower and prepare for the Manu Samoa game, but apparently there was some confusion. Both teams won gift certificates for pizza, and of course there were the celebratory t-shirts. Angels had one error in that one, as we hadn’t notified that there was a size shift when Ben replaced POD on the team. No worries – the sponsor gave his up instead and gave the remaining small shirt to Wahoo.

POD was asked to be the GM as SOTB was too tired and emotional after the Manu Samoa loss. There were a few new to Hash, John and Toni from Oz brought by Strangler, and Bruce who couldn’t remember his own hash name (was in Divas or Dingo?) and took a down down. The rethreads were Spanky, Damien, Pauline, Sassy and Hornithologist. The GM then went through her awards for the run starting with Hot Nuts who had waited all this time for the opportunity to rub Pauline’s legs, or massaging as he called it. Before the start of the Hot Nuts had also strapped up SOTB’s knee, during which Poumuli enquired if he could also cover the mouth, to which Sassy replied that there wasn’t enough tape for that – Proud Mother Award for both of them. Then there was the incident with all and sundry searching for the paper marking the legs, and as it had been with Crash the whole time he got the Dumbass Award. Also, it had been noticed that while most of the runners had company on the massage truck, Lewinsky had managed to get himself a solo massage – Happy Ending Award.

Captain Mortein was dobbed in for his competitive taunting of the Band of Angels, while Zsa Zsa was given the Shit Goes Missing Award for leaving his sunglasses behind, and giving the instruction that they were next to the chicken. PS got the Unnecessary Exuberance Award for being way too chirpy and obviously on drugs or something. The GM then gave a Strangler Award to CB and Zsa Zsa – CB for singing awfully, and Zsa Zsa for running faster to get away from the caterwauling. DMT got a Special Merit Award for putting up with the sheer pong of the Cocktails team, and for the scratches received when surreptitiously peeing in the bushes.

Opening up for awards was going to be difficult as the circle was by now incredibly rowdy. She lamented that the Dome of Silence has gone missing and called forth Sondra to step forward with Ben in order to restore some order. Captain Mortein was given the Grumpy Award for sneering about Samoa’s chances and then sleeping through half the game. Further on the game we all agreed that the ref was a bastard, and being Irish a Leprechaun Award had to be handed to anyone resident in Eire – oh, yes Damien was given this one by Sassy. What a Mother to have, eh! A further rugby award went to anyone Australian for losing to Eire – Mike and Bruce the Diva Dingo.
Back on the run CB had been observed peeing in front of a family in a fale – Indecent Exposure Award. SOTB had obviously needed to dig deep for his motivation to run, and at a point of flagging spirits his mother gets off the truck to help him, but instead power walks him off the road. This earned Sassy a Poor Execution Award.

Spanky explained that she was late as there was no TV coverage at Cappuccino Vineyard, which earned Pro Boner and Pirate Princess a Poor Host Award.
Sassy demanded to do the down-down song solo as PS had been killing her ears softly during the circle. Poumuli and Lewinsky got one for sponsorship, while Poumuli got another for stretching his ass in front of Slim Shady. After a vote she joined him for being obsessed with asses.

Poumuli had been given the relay torch by the organizers, and decided that Pauline should have this as she was the only angel on the team. Pity she didn’t use it later that evening to find her way, as she fell into a ditch and seriously hurt herself. Pirate Princess then also got a Merit Award and for using coconuts in a suggestive manner to get the Captain to run faster, joined by Wahoo for downing two vodka & cranberry before 10 AM. Strangler got the Confused Award for doing the relay on a bicycle – he was the support for Slava who ran the whole damned 104 km by himself.
Eveready thanked the Hash on behalf of the US Vets who had organized the event, and then Hot Nuts said grace and we laid into the well prepared feast.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1588 - Vaoala, Bank St with Zsa Zsa, Chilli and Slim Shaddy

Morning All,
Following from Saturdays special Perimeter Run/Hash Run, tonights run is being hosted by Zsa Zsa, Chilli and Slim Shaddy up at Zsa Zsa's place in Vaoala on Bank Street, just down the road from where we had the On On on Saturday.

Congrats again to the two hash teams for completing the Perimeter Relay over the weekend...well done!

The hosts are providing a spread tonight so no need to bring anything for the BBQ. Run will start at 1730Hrs so be on time and dont forget your hash cash..there will also be a keg there tonight...

See you then.
On On.

Hash Trash 1586

The Hash was hosted by Slipppery at his house by NUS. The run was set on paper, and we were warned to closely follow the trail. Yes indeed, it had been trickily set by Buzzer. We went up left from the house, led off by Tallyho and Poumuli, who quickly missed the first turnoff. Tracking back we went through someone’s front yard, down the back into the gully, which saw a lot of slips and falls. Reaching the bottom the trail zigged and zagged through the bush, but this meant that the slower runners had an advantage in catching up to the front. Several incidents with barbed wire ensued, including Captain Mortein using Poumuli as a cushion. Out of the bush we raced up through a taro patch to reach the road. We then followed a country trail up and around to rejoin the parallel road to NUS. Thankfully we didn’t have to go all the way down and around as the trail had been arranged to go through someone else’s yard. Excellent effort by the Hare.

SOTB as GM called the circle to order, which was a tall one given the screaming offspring running around. He called on those new to Apia Hash, which were Nick and Janine from NZ, brought by Ladyfinger, and David and Alistair brought by Godfather – obviously the Hashers had given good instructions! Slight interruption from Do Me Twice who was caught for a cellphonus interruptus. The Rethreads were Strangler, DMT, Pussysnatcher, Cockblocker and Jeff. Reasons given were not heard by your Scribe over the screaming kids.

Celebrity Awards went to Swinger, Ben, Tallyho, Lewinsky and Slim Shady (large Observer free advertising for On the Rocks), Crime for the crime is not our culture headline, and Captain Mortein was deemed Lezzie’s closest living relative for the condemnation by SUNGO in the Observer.

For this year in history, in 1792 the French Crown Jewels and the Hope Diamond were stolen, so Ben being Swiss and closest neighbour got the Failure to Protect Family Jewels. In 1989 Hungary freed interned East German refugees, a major cause for the fall of the Iron Curtain – to Zsa Zsa. In the year 122 construction of Hadrian’s Wall begins in order to keep hairy-arsed Scots out of Roman England – Swinger should have got this one, but visitor Alistair was picked instead (your Scribe escaped detection, with a Scottish Great-great grandmother!). In 1899 the first person ever to be killed by an automobile, in the US – Lily and Rachel. In 1916 Mary the Elephant was hanged for stepping on her handler, cruelty by crane – this one went to Eveready.

The GM presented a Sabotaging the Hash Team Award to Lewinsky for knocking up the team’s fittest runner pregnant. When he took the award he said he hoped it was him, to which Eveready noted that if it was a girl then yes!
The GM awarded Ben the Changed Apparel Award for running in shoes rather than jandals, and Captain Mortein for getting a shiner from Pirate Princess that he had tried to hide with makeup. The GM had been chatting with Titty Galore, and noted something on her lip, looked like a bite mark, but she insisted it was a cold sore. The GM decreed that a Vampire Award go to the cause of the bite mark, namely Godfather. In terms of the Hash Cash he reminded Crime that it wasn’t enough to pay some cash!

A few months ago Hashers will recall that there was an act of selfless bravery at Lalomanu, and now that Strangler was back we could finally award this one. Turning to the run, Captain Mortein had bumped into the GM, then rolled in the dirt and used the GM to get up only to take off. Poumuli called for this to be made a double for the act of using Poumuli as a cushion against barbed wire.

Coming back to the screaming kids, a Mother’s Award went to Pirate Princess and Sondra. Opening up for nominations POD nominated DMT for her Vailima adverts. Swinger nominated PS for Wanting Ice in the Crotch Award, based on his comments on the relay. This prompted Captain Mortein to nominate the sponsors of the relay teams for the Generosity Award – Poumuli and Lewinsky.

Jeff and Buzzer were caught leaning, and then Tallyho had an absolute epi fit, roaring and ranting about lack of Hash t-shirts being worn in the circle, and generally berating the assembled miserable bastards, and Lewinsky hadn’t called an on-on, etc etc. The GM decided that this had gone on for long enough to bring Tallyho close to an aneurysm, and gave him an FBI Award.

Eveready spoke of creating a very special cake for the weekend party, which he had spent lots of time on only to hear the host telling the kids it was in the shape of a hammer! Susan step forward. Captain Mortein then nominated two hashers who had been training very hard for the relay and must surely collectively have lost 50 kilos – Relay Challenge Award to SOTB and Lewinsky. Poumuli tried to get this doubled as Lewinsky had stayed in front of him the whole way back, taking advantage of the zig zag and false trails, but this backfired. (I was not jealous of his fitness!)

The GM called forth Susan in the absence of the Apia Mad Hash Monk, or Mum as he calls her, and told the Hash that this former telecom worker was leaving us soon. She shall henceforth be known as Callgirl.
The Hares and the Hosts were thanked for an excellent run, with Ring Ring stepping in for Buzzer’s award together with Slippery.

The GM noted that the Perimeter Relay will be an official Hash Run and that those not in the teams should gather for the last leg and run along in support. He also noted that Hot Nuts has offered us his house for the post-relay BBQ, and that there would be a pig, a keg and possibly a lamb. Godfather who will not be with us, pledged two masseuses to slake the pain of the runners.

Watch the blog for next Monday’s run

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1585

The Hash was hosted by Eveready, Karaoke, Delicious and Crash Bandicoot in honour of Baby Luana’s birthday. The run – well I have no idea. Wahoo and I arrived late, and the trucks had already set off for the A to B run. Your Scribe went for a trot around the neighbourhood instead, and came back to find the pack trickling in to sample the sweet nuts of Godfather.

Oh well, praises be, SOTB was running and remarkably lucid and non-snarling. He called for anyone new to Apia Hash, and we got Carl from NZ, brought by Godfather, Pippa brought by Ladyfinger, and Adam who said he had been invited by someone called Yoh. Godfather joined in the welcoming down-downs. The rethreads were Chilindrina (in Mexico), Zsa Zsa (off somewhere), Lily and Rachel (buggered off to Savaii), Tooth Fairy (extracting in Savaii), and Michael (doctors orders – apparently you shouldn’t run if you have a social disease). Joining them were Hot Nuts and Susan for being chatty catties during the explanations.

Celebrity Awards went to Lewinsky for winning the Rugby World Cup ticket and for going sans wife, Eveready and Karaoke were on TV, and Captain Mortein joined for leaning on the truck.
For this year in history all your Scribe could come up with was the fact that Monica was indeed working at the White House. However, Lewinsky again triumphed with a series of spurious Norwegian events, such as the restriction of women’s voting rights in 1907 (for retarded ones), 1194 death of King Magnus (I am not related) and 1992 the production of the world’s longest salami (well hung we are). Poumuli and Lewinsky accepted their mutually ridiculous accusations.

The GM had been busy at work looking at Facebook and had seen Poumuli complaining about being bankrupted by Wahoo in Singapore. Oh this was going to be a long night. The GM also had a case of a hasher avoiding phonecalls from all and sundry and hiding out in town, finally tracked down and hauled out by the ear – Crash got the Prodigal Husband Award.

A heinous crime had been observed by the GM – Ladyfinger had poured himself a beer and not turned off the tap! Double. On the run there was an incident of chariot riding by Snake, which was doubled for his confusing Poumuli with a left when he meant right. Pirate Princess had taken off before the run with the stroller, and not answering the phone. All agreed that Captain Mortein should take the Jealousy Award for this one.

The Good Samaritan Award went to a hasher who said he was off to work, but instead helped drive Manu Samoa to the airport – Crash. Tallyho was nominated for his erudite scribing, however he insisted that he was on a low beer diet because of antibiotics. Medical opinions were sought, and the consensus was that if he didn’t have a vagina then beer would not interfere with his prescriptions. After much grumbling, wailing and gnashing of teeth he took a double.
Opening up for nominations, POD had invited the inlaws over for a BBQ, lots of people came, and Lewinsky finished the keg at 1 AM. She found him in bed with an orange on his head insisting that he could consume it through osmosis. Arthropod Biology Award to Lewinsky.

Slim Shady nominated Wahoo and Poumuli for leaving her to care for their dog Murdoch, while POD had been on the Savaii ferry with Hot Nuts who was playing a game of shapes and couldn’t get anything to fit. Unable To Groove Award.
Poumuli had attended the Suva Hash and was regaled with complimentary stories about BB, but was also asked about that eurotrash budgie smuggler wearing former film star. The Failing To Make A Good Impression Award went to Zsa Zsa.
The GM noted that the theme was pink, but also that one hasher had taken the theme too far. Slippery got the Wearing Wife’s Clothes Award. Pirate Princess got a cellphonus interruptus award. She got the Captain back for his inability to tell his heroic rescue story in less than two weeks.

Slim Shady, who got the chicken hat two weeks ago, decided that it was a mark of bravery and that Ninja should get it! We also cheered for Crime’s birthday. Michael was nominated for going to the Rugby also sans wife – that should be known as the Lewinsky Sneaky Award.

Slim Shady spotted Horny Ho smoking in the circle and got her a Nicotine Award, while our two PC ladies Lily and Rachel were nominated for 2 years in a row running with the US team instead of Hash. Swinger got implicated for lack of communication, or mismanagement as its called. Lewinsky nominated Snake for the Malpractice Award for doing some electrical work that didn’t work, but it backfired.

On the theme of the run, Slim Shady nominated Swinger for the Shrek Award, wearing two flowers and bending both ways – well his name, duh! Pirate Princess was caught leaning, and then Lily nominated Rachel for singing like a Kiwi. We needed to hear this – so she sang, in a broken cockney-ish lilt. Probably a Tasmanian accent.
The Hosts and the Hare were saluted and dedicated the run to Baby Luana. We then had cake, pigs, lots of food and a never ending keg.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1586 - Slippery @ To'omatagi

Morning All,
Next weeks run is being hosted by Slippery at his home in Toomatagi (next to NUS). The host has kindly offered to provide a spread for the night and as usual, there will be a keg, softies and Godfathers sweet nuts.

There is no theme yet for the run, but check back later on this week in case we decide to have a theme.

Run starts at 1730Hrs so be on time and bring your hash cash :)

On On

Hash Trash 1584

Greetings Hashers from Singapore where I am enjoying a few moments of credit card peace! Tallyho has drafted his usually erudite, rude and browbeating Trash. Enjoy.
On On
Poumuli

AWOL: Absent without leave; not present when required; skiving when duty calls; afraid of a bit or rain; so where was the usual jostling throng of hashmen and meres all eager to join the weekly AHHH run and imbibing; what a complete bunch of fair-weather wussers you all are. There were no apologies, no lame excuses, no reports of having better offers for the evening, but what could there be that would be better than the hash on a Monday night – yes I know what you are thinking but there’s plenty of time for that after. Your stand-in scribe is ashamed of the lot of you.
But enough about those who failed to show; what about the small but hardy bunch of real hashmen and meres who were there, who braved the lowering clouds and gusting winds, who stood shoulder-to-shoulder blocking the pavement outside HQ1, annoying the regular imbibers who sit on the pavement-tables perving the meres wandering past.
The GM seemed very disappointed at the low turn-out and then he must have realised there would be staka fluid-of-sustenance after so he perked up a bit; the pack of about a dozen or so was called to order and Godfather led the way past the AHC on a guided-hare (as oppose to live-hare) run. A left by JICA found the pack face-to-face with a locked gate, so back to Beach Road and down through the Methodist Bookshop and then past Sunshine Restaurant, hang a few rights and lefts and eventually past Lucky’s down to the Tokelau Office to check on AC/DC but no sign of him. Another hang-left, which in the old days would have taken the pack through some of the shiggier bits of Sogi blocked-off, so back to the road, down the flea market and on home.
Not having to keep a watchful eye for the trail this week gave your scribe some time to let his thoughts do the wandering up false trails. It occurred to your scribe that there had been a lot of “letters to the editor” in the Observer about sodomy and adultery, and effectively this week the pack had been turned back as we tried to enter two back-passages that were blocked off. An omen indeed. I would therefore like to suggest that those who wrote those letters to the paper, and who are so against sodomy and adultery, should be invited to join the hash. After all, in-so-far as there are any rules on hash, Rule 1 says: No Poofters on hash; and Rule 2 says to refer to Rule 1, but if one goes to the original Hash Commandments (handed down on the back of a table-napkin –the original hashmen were gentlemen and the tradition continues - all those years ago in Kuala Lumpur), it also states quite clearly that “A Hashman shalt not covet a fellow hashman’s mere”. Now, of course, the hash is also all for good (if usually chaotic) governance, gender equality (especially in DDs), very open to democratic principles, (we elect our mismanagement every year even if it’s not exactly a secret ballot); we have no prejudices about people with strange habits (we shall always welcome Steakman back); we take exercise in healthy ways, we consume a very healthful and performance enhancing beverage, at least I am sure that was what Vailima told us in their advertising in the past; we all like apple pie and love our mums. The hash must therefore be the perfect place for all those grumpy old farts who appeared to be writing themselves into an almost orgasmic frenzy against sodomy and adulterers. They should feel perfectly at home with us. Perhaps we should write to the Observer offering them sanctuary. But of course the hash is also a place of inclusiveness and forgiveness and therefore the hash is happy to welcome all cummers including faafaafines and adulterers (just as well) as long as they are not rooting another hashman or another hashman’s mere or both, well at least not while they’re on the run.
By the time the pack returned a few of the usual late-cummers and out-of-the-woodwork-crawlers had arrived trying to pretend that they had been working or been on-the-job late in the office, so the pack had increased to about two dozen or so with a few others sneaking in during the proceedings. With a full keg and a relatively small turnout this was always set to be a big night for DDs.
Up first were virgins Sean, Shane and Nicki from NZ doing the cooking at Aggies, so the guests were obviously having sandwiches tonight.
The bunch of failures and retreads included Home & Away and Sudso (returning for the first time in ten years and surprised to find Snake, Godfather and Tallyho still looking so sprightly); Laurie, an original “first-footer” for AHHH from 1980 and therefore held in great reverence but the assembled pack, Sassy-girl, Crash, and Seismic who tried to sneak-in late.
There were celebrity awards for Slim Shady and for POD & Lewinsky for coupling in the grandstand at Apia Park.
The day-in-history involved some references to atomic bombs and Russia, awarded to Sean who said he was from Poland which is geographically next to Russia although your Scribe doubts there’s much other affinity; Crash for looking like Michael Jackson – don’t ask me I only record this stuff; Godfather for paddling backwards (or something like that) and Tallyho for representing some grand achievement by a great and glorious Englishman from the past.
The dobs and awards then started to come so thick and fast that your Scribe could hardly keep up with recording names let alone reasons; so we started with Lewinsky for the venue and GM for persuading Lewinsky to provide the venue; then came Snake, Home&Away, Hookalua, SassyGirl, Shane, Yuki, Ben and SassyGirl (again).
The New Shoe inspector spotted the GM (specially bought for the perimeter run), Laurie (not surprising if he last ran in 1980), Sudso (first new shoes Home&Away had bought her since 2001) and Yuki.
Awards for service to the hash went to: Tallyho (Acting Scribe), Slippery (Hashflash), Crash (for bringing the mugs), and Crash and Delicious for conceiving a junior hashman in the making.
Hideo and Kyoto were awarded an award for not having yet received an award when just about everyone-else had had at least two awards during the evening. The Samurai would have been proud of them.
An unsuspecting Aussie couple on holiday who had been staring wide-eyed at the proceedings were dragged into the circle and told by the GM that the hash was an ancient Samoan secret society (or something like that) and that if they wanted to get out they had to do a DD. It seemed a small price for them to pay to be able to observe such a culturally (in)sensitive spectacle.
There then followed a quick Double DD for Tallyho and DD for Lewinsky, Shane, Snake, Hookalua, Laurie and the Hare n Host, Snake, Home & Away, Sudso, Godfather and Armstrong (a late-cumming, non-running virgin working for UNDP).
The GM then called a final award and hash naming for Laurie (Ground Zero) and mere-blong-him Diane (9/11).
By this time the keg was finally beginning to float and many of those who had been called to account appeared to be in a similar state!!
On on and toodle pip

Tallyho

Hash Run 1611

Afternoon All,
Next weeks run is being kindly hosted by Eveready, Karaoke, Crash, Delicious and the theme for next weeks run is PINK! so slap on your best pink outfits and come down for what is bound to be a great hash run...

There will be a keg/s as well as a spread provided by the hosts. The run will be at Karaoke and Eveready's place behind Adria's Cakes.

Run starts 1730HRS so be on time. See map below for directions

On On

Hash Run 1584 - HQ # 1 - Cocktails on the Rocks

Afternoon All,

Since no one has offered to host today, the run will be set from HQ #1 - Cocktails on the Rocks. There will still be a keg there and the BBQ will be there, so bring something to throw on the BBQ...and don't all bring Sausages and apples :)

Run starts at 1730 HRS...will see if we can get a hare in time to set the run, if not, then it will be a live run...if you catch the hare, you can do with them what you wish!

Location: Beach Road, next to Italiano's Pizza Bar and V-Bar/Crabbers...

See you all there and bring a change of clothes in case the heavens decide to open up this afternoon

On On

GM

Hash Trash 1583

The Hash was hosted by Screamer and Marc out in Siusega. Captain Mortein and Hot Nuts set out to be live hares, and this announcement was reminiscent of passengers on the Titanic thinking what could possibly go wrong… Lots!

We set out well enough, after the Hares had been given a decent lead, out the back gate, down to the Tafaigata, then we started a series of turns. The Hares were being chased by Cockblocker, Aaron, Road Humper and Poumuli, and a few others, but their vorsprung and speed were such that they were quickly leaving the next lot way behind. Captain Mortein negotiated passage through a garden, but only for the first group. The rest were apparently turned away by an angry lady awakened from her pre-sa’a slumber, and was having none of this. That’s when the trouble started. Your Scribe decided to hang back a bit as we emerged from the garden, and saw someone running through, waved and followed the Hares. This apparently was not a Hasher, but a young local sent to bash the trespassers. Luckily the training was paying off and by the time the next turn was spotted, your Scribe again halted, this time for an incredulous 5 minutes. Where the blazes was the pack? Your Scribe then realized that he too was hopelessly lost, but having run the area before set off on a long trot to train a bit for the perimeter relay. Catching up with Ladyfinger and others on the back road leading to Screamers was a relief, but what a completely buggering Alsatians screw-up of gigantic proportions this was. Thankfully the chilled sweet nuts of Godfather were on display.

Hot Nuts also stepped in as GM as SOTB, albeit present, had some unfortunate social disease. He called on anyone new to Apia Hash and these were Speed Humper from the Honiara Hash, who was joined by her husband Aaron who works at SPREP for Poumuli. They were given a down-down which they started early – poor starting form. The rethreads were Slippery (tired), Curly (working), Greenie (working, hardly), Nutcracker (busy), Horny Ho (seawalling) and Poumuli (hashing in Majuro and Suva). Greenie managed to outlast the singing!

Celebrity Awards went to SOTB, Slim Shady, CB, Horny Ho and FBI for their joint photo in the Observer post the Manu game, with Captain Mortein deemed to be FBI’s closest living relative, and Poumuli for being in the Marshall Islands Journal.
On this day in history there were many: 1770 Captain Cook claims NSW for Britain (Speed Humper), 1888 1st adding machine patented in the US (obviously not working is it – Slim Shady), 1914 in WWI Japan declares war on Germany and promptly bomb Tsingtao and wipe out the brewery for years (Ninja and friend), and finally 1998 Clinton finally admits an “improper physical relationship” with that woman (Lewinsky).

Having finished these awards, Lewinsky shuffled his feet and cleared his throat, and delivered a barrage of incendiary accusations about Norwegian perfidy – 1768 slave ship Fredensborg sinks off Norway (it was Danish!), 1940 Norway surrenders to Nazis (yes, but we held them off since 9 April, longer than most) and 1994 Norway votes against joining EU (I voted in favour, dammit!). A triple down-down was gleefully handed over by Cheshire cat SOTB.

The Shoe Inspector, Snake, was called forth but found no new shoes. Then someone remembered that SOTB’s friend had worn new shoes, hence he should take the award. He quickly turned to the Manu Samoa game, and related how a Hasher had asked him for the Gold Tickets, which he then arranged, only to see said Hasher, your Scribe, sitting on the grass instead. The rebuttal that the seats were god-awful, that you couldn’t get to the bar, and that SOTB should take it instead for touting faulty merchandise fell on deaf ears, so Poumuli again had a Dumbarse Award.

Screamer had gone to assist some Hashers who could not get through the back gate and couldn’t unlock it herself, then found that Snake and Crime had taken the gate off the hinges, as a remedial measure. This should have been a Living Up To Hash Name Award, but our GM was still confused as to where the pack was.

POD nominated Ben for the Human Rickshaw Award for having done the entire run with his offspring on his shoulders. Hornithologist noted that one of the newbies seemed in particular need of down-down training and nominated Aaron. And he still needs training. Slippery had received an email about someone receiving a bravery award, namely AC/DC, which was promptly handed to closest living relative Ladyfinger. Yes, we were all baffled by that one.

SOTB, in his usual ungrateful corner, called out Poumuli for getting some sample Apia Hash caps made – more on this below.
Lewinsky nominated Horny Ho for saying she would bring the BBQ and didn’t, and Hooker Lua for bringing the BBQ without being asked – a Dyslexia Award perhaps? The GM then noted that this would be Steakmans last run for a while and thanked him for setting an entirely new standard for misbehaviour at Hash. The largest glass was found. Captain Mortein was spotted on the cellphone, while Slim Shady brought Swinger up for Correct Samoan Pronunciation Award.

SOTB stepped in as Monk and called for Marc, famous explorer of regions far and nether, who always puts a smile on a certain Hash Mere’s face, who shall henceforth be known as Captain Stabbin’.

Swinger called for a down-down to the other Captain who had forced the Hash to run through sa’a. A new chicken hat had been procured, and as this is an angry chicken Poumuli decided to award it to the loudest squawker in the Hash namely Slim Shady – she had to interrupt her chat to take the award!

The Hosts Screamer, Captain Stabbin’ and chef Darren were thanked in the usual manner.

The GM called for sponsors for the 1st perimeter team, and this will be On The Rocks. Screamer will be Assistant Trainee Scribe for next week’s run. Watch the blog for venue.

In terms of the Apia Hash caps, they come in 4 colours (black, green, brown/grey and camouflage) and 3 sizes (small to medium, medium to large and large to xl). If we get enough orders they will be around 25 tala, with your name on the back. Orders to the GM who will pass to Poumuli. So far we have 23 and should try and reach 60 to get the discounts.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1582

Hash Father’s Day Run

It was a glorious sunny Monday for Father’s day Hash, hosted by Steakman (aka Dirty Old Fart). There were rounds of scrabble, drinks a plenty, and good vibes all round.
The run was set by Steakman (D.O.F.) with toilet paper which he generously recycled after the run. This made some Hasher’s uneasy about using the loo but it was recommended to not use the loo paper that already has shit on it. Minds were eased…
The Hash circle was about to begin when drama on the high seas occurred. Uki, frind of Ninja, was using a paopao for the first time and capsized. CB was encouraged by the entire audience (Hasher know when a good show is about to happen) to grab his paopao and save Uki’s butt. Begrudgingly he did so and hence the title “CB to the Rescue” was chosen for this part of the evening’s entertainment. Needless to say both Uki and CB made it back to shore where no one was given moth-to-mouth much to Steakman’s disappointment!
Newbies: Uki was initiated into the group with a downdown and reminded that he should stick to fa’apapa rather than fa’apaopao. Sondra, Ben’s wife was also introduced to the group and happily chugged her downdown.
Retreads: Ladyfinger and his lady, and Nija and Co all returned to the fold.
Hero Award: Godfather was given the hero award for bringing ice to Tafatafa to guarantee cold beverages! Bravo!
CB to the Rescue Award: CB was given a downdown for saving Uki when we all agreed it would have been more entertaining to watch him float off to Tonga.
Beer Queen Award: was given to Titty G. for bringing extra beers to keep the Hash crew hydrated.
Beach Bum Award: was given to Hookalua and Lorry for saving the fale in order for Hash to have some where to rest its feet.
Beefcake Award: was given to Slimshady for MC-ing Mr. Samoa Bodybuilding Contest.
Springbok Beating Award: Damon and Mark downdowned for Aussie’s triumph over SA deer.
Foul Hooker Award: was given to Lorry for a) ditching the GM’s butt and then going fishing without him only to catch a scrappy ass little fish.

Flex-a-Pec Award: Slim shady awarded Captain Mortein this award for flexing his pecs at her in hopes of being compared to the Mr. Samoa contestants. Good effort but no gold.
Beer Biyatch Award: CB awarded the GM this award for drinking a case of HASH beer “on purpose”.
Leaning Tower of Dirty Old Fart Award: was given to steakman for leaning on the Hash tent.
WTF??? AWARD: Godfather gave this award to Steakman for rambling on in an incoherent fashion.
Too Smart for His Own Good Award: was given to Ladyfingers for wining the Cancer Society Trivia Night (Slim was given a downdown for self-promotion).
Shut the F Up! Award: Was given to Steakman in hopes that he would be too drunk to ramble incessantly any more.
It wasn’t Me Award: false accusation given by GM for latent retread. GM drank begrudgingly (very unusual).
Show ME The Beans Award: was given to Slimshady from Eveready for not bringing her bean salad, scribe pen, and ass to Hash last week.
Hard Ass Award: Given to Susan for what else? Having a hard ass upon which she fell while running.
Pain in the Butt Award: Was given to GM for being a pain from entire Hash Circle.
Prick Award: Oddly, not given to GM this week but handed over to Steakman who is officially Hash’s biggest prick to date.
Are We there yet? Award: Given to Spanky from Slimshady because after noticing they were an hour late wondered “if they would get to Hash late”. Physics still works the same at Tafatafa.
Sleeping Beauty Award: Given to Ninja, Uki, and Koabayahis for falling asleep at Hash Circle.
Runners offered their names for the Perimeter run and Do Me Twice said to contact her for those who wish to offer support.
And a good Hash was had by all.
Slim Shady

Hash Run 1583 - Screamer and Mark @ Screamer's house, Siusega

Morning All,
Next weeks run will be hosted by Screamer and Mark..Mark kindly offered after a few too many beers at hash last week :) much like the GM saying he will run the relay..lol

The hosts have kindly offered to provide the food for the run and there will be a keg, softies and God Fathers sweet nuts on Monday. Seeing as there is also a pool there, if you fancy a dip, bring a change of clothes too.

Screamers house is up in Siusega, and i believe its Mark's last run before he heads off again??? Map is below for directions.
Run starts 1730Hrs
On On

Fathers Day Hash Run- Tafatafa Beach with Steakman

Morning All,
Fathers day run next week is being hosted by Steakman down at Tafatafa Beach. As monday is a public holiday, the run will start at 2pm and not the normal 5:30pm. If you could be down there around lunch time...we can all settle in as steak man tells me he has a few extra fun things planned.

For those that want to go earlier...or spend the weekend down there..we will be at the beach fales on the right hand side where we had our last run at Tafatafa.

Steakman is putting on a small pig as well as an Umu and some other goodies...please feel free to also bring something else to contribute to this. There will also be beers on Monday..As its a lot of work to cart a Keg down, and it has to go a few days earlier, hash will supply 4 cases of Vailima instead...and everyone else can bring a little something extra if you feel the urge to party hard on Monday.

Map below for Directions. (Head down to the south coast, take a left when you get to the bottom of the cross island road, Look out for the turn off to Tafatafa, its next to a Mormon Church and the sign on the road reads "Brenda's Beach Fale's"

On On

Hash Run 1581 - CB & DMT

Morning All,
Tonight's run will be a BYO Run at CB's place in Vaoala, opposite the Chinese Embassy. CB is providing the venue but we will all need to bring something for the BBQ. There will be a keg and softies...

There is no theme for tonight, so just bring your running/drinking shoes with you.

Directions: Head up the cross island road and go past Manumea Hotel...take the turn off on the left hand side after the hotel that heads up to Vaiala Beach School...the house is opposite the Chinese Embassy

See map for more details...

OnOn

Hash Trash 1580

The hash was hosted by Hooker Lure and Lenora at the heights of Vaoala, opposite the Shrine. The run had been set by Ring Ring and Buzzer, so we were apprehensively eying her sweatiness when she returned. Didn’t seem too out of breath, so we calmly set off out the gate and around the familiar path by the fence. Except this time we didn’t go straight to the road, so Dave and Poumuli had to make an urgent retreat as the rest of the pack caught up, and Ring Ring berated the idiots who weren’t following her trail. Through the plantation we finally hit the road, followed by some road running, until we again cut through the jungle, across a volley ball game, replete with treacherous holes and toe-stubbing rocks. Upon hitting the next road (Lamosa?) there was a devious false trail, which several Hashers got taken in by. Instead we headed to the Cross-Island Road for a leisurely slog down the hill. There was a moment of surprise as Lewinsky exhibited some competitive spirit by sprinting – well, the Lewinsky version of sprinting, and passing your Scribe at the gate. This was kept in abeyance, as you will see that he got plenty of awards this Hash. A good run, lots of jungle and a nice finish, with innovative use of people’s plantations and properties to keep us on our toes.

SOTB didn’t run, but he was able to stand upright against the mild breeze that was buffeting him. Calling the circle to order, the GM didn’t see any new to Apia Hash, and went straight for the rethreads – Slim Shady (chasing cattle in Oz), Slippery (in Oz for treatments, diving in Vanuatu), and Josh (got sick). All got a down down.
The Shoe Inspector Lewinsky had caught Slim Shady wearing shiny new apparel, which she tried to hide. Complaining that she might have stepped in cow shit with them, she reluctantly took a small cup, yet finished it rather slowly. Celebrity Awards went to Poumuli and Hooker Lure for being in the paper. Others were identified but the GM was too slow in calling forth closest living relatives.

On this day in history, slavery was abolished in the British Empire in 1834, but it took them exactly 6 years to actually fully implement it. For this Blatant Inefficiency Award we needed a token Pom, which fell on Swinger. It is also International Friendship Day, and the GM reckoned that Steakman had the fewest friends, so doubled his award. Roman General Mark Antony died this day in 30 BC, so SOTB took one for his namesake. Lastly, in 1998 Monica was granted immunity in return for Grand Jury testimony, so Lewinsky got the Gift That Keeps On Giving Award.
The GM had a special double award for Captain Mortein, first for child abandonment, secondly for being ridiculously attractive to a male cat that drooled on him. Male Pussy Award. As it was the last run for a while for Lenora and Josh, these were called back for a celebratory award – will miss you and please come back.

Opening up for nominations, Lewinsky was quick off the mark with an award for Snake, whom he had spotted by the side of the road in his van with the kids. When asked what he was waiting for, his response was that they were going swimming but he had forgot Fang! Wife Abandonment Award.

Swinger tried to get Hornithologist for fracturing her foot on the beach, but after some debate this was boomeranged on Swinger as an Un-chivalrous Award. POD nominated Spanky for her stellar performance in a dance troupe, and we were treated to a demo of the slap dance prior to the award.
Steakman nominated Stargasm for hushing him on the trail when he was shouting On On, but the GM decreed that Steakman join for the manner in which he shouts On On. Lewinsky then picked up again on his Snake tale, adding the Insult to Injury Award, since Fang had to join her family via taxi.

Poumuli nominated Slim Shady for the Genius Award for winning the quiz night at the Yacht Club. Lewinsky tried to get Poumuli for abandoning Wahoo to watch the rugby at HQ1, but upon clarification that this was not true, she then demanded that the award be given to both Lewinsky and her husband. This was noted for my Christmas List.
The GM noticed that Captain Mortein was shuffling a bit and asked him if he had something on his mind, to which he enquired whether he could nominate the GM for being a prick. The GM accepted graciously, as we don’t call him SOTB for nothing.

Steakman fulminated that the run had been set at short notice, and that this was unfair to Ring Ring. She defended herself by saying the GM had called her late, and she was busy doing something, to which Snake opined that this something was probably Charlie, so in the circle both of them took their award.

Screamer nominated Captain Marc for a Birthday Award (on the 4th). Poumuli nominated Wahoo for being jealous of their dog Murdoch’s success at being a chick magnet. Swinger nominated all the Yanks for not paying their debts – Orgy Georgie, Eveready, Dave, Josh and Spanky took the Debt Ceiling Award.

Eveready then nominated Poumuli for the flags hanging outside Manumea. In his right of reply, Poumuli noted that Eveready had not got the nationalities of the flags right and that they were not a new addition, having been there since the wedding and the scene of the infamous flaming nipple incident. Poumuli got the Norwegian Invasives Award while Eveready joined for the Flaming Nipples Award, amid threats that this might become his new Hash Name.

Curly had been to HQ1 after Hash 1579, had gotten plastered and had to be driven away by Tooth Fairy. He was in such bad shape that he was left in the car, only the next day Tooth Fairy found his car with the doors open, stereo and AC on and no Curly. While this is clearly Hashman like behaviour, it was also eligible for a Cruelty to Tooth Fairies Award for Curly.

Lewinsky has been abused for some time by Eveready for having a girly truck, but when Eveready got a flat tire on his monster vehicle it took him 3 hours to fix and required the help of Crash Bandicoot. Poumuli had brought some Hashshit that had been left behind by Spanky, who quickly retrieved the bag before anyone could see what was in it. Hornithologist informed that part of the bag was from Digicel as Spanky had admitted to washing her cellphone. While not disputing that he should also partake, Poumuli argued that anyone working for a phone company should join for not offering washing machine proof phones. After much ado, Spanky, Poumuli, SOTB and Lewinsky took the award.

Eveready, appreciating that Slim Shady had offered Karaoke her jacket to keep off the chills, but concerned at her statement that the jacket made her boobs bigger, demanded a demonstration, to which Steakman hungrily agreed to be the adjudicator. While the truth of the statement could not be ascertained in the dark by your Scribe, Steakman’s triumphant dancing was enough to seal the award for Slim Shady.
Curly was given a Leavers Award, joined by Captain Mortein trying to induce cellphonus interruptus for the GM, and several who had avoided awards that evening. The Hosts and the Hare were then saluted – Hooker Lure, Lawrie, Tiffany, Lenora and Ring Ring.

A couple of late awards went to Dave, for leaving on a court date, and Eveready for loudly maintaining that Lewinsky drove a woman’s truck.

Your Scribe will be absent for two runs, and we entrusted Slim Shady with Assistant Trainee Scribe duties once more.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Trash 1579

The Hash was hosted by Snake, Fang, Venom and Snakebite at the Snakepit #2 in Vaitele. The run had been set by Ring Ring which is always interesting. Out the gate, Hot Nuts and Poumuli led the way up the hill, which turned out to be the right way this time. Several checks had been placed and there was a great deal of back and forth that let the pack stick together for most of the time. While the run was strictly a road affair, there were numerous potential off-track routes that needed to be explored, for which CB was a useful tester. After much circuitous ambling about the backs of Vaitele, we came to a large cross roads, where unfortunately Ring Ring had set two false trails perilously conjoined. Hence a group spearheaded by Kamikaze simply ended up on the way home, while the rest, foolishly following CB had a much harsher end of run. But it was a nice day, not too hot and Godfather’s sweet nuts were beckoning.

SOTB was miraculously capable of standing up, so he called the Hash to order in a proper GM fashion. New to Apia Hash was Tiffany, Shelly’s daughter, who to Steakman’s distress was happily married. The Rethreads were Poumuli, Wahoo, Do Me Twice, Marc and Dave. Lewinsky immediately spotted the blaring new shoes on Wahoo, who un-reluctantly used them as a vessel. Need to stop buying her new boots!

On this day in history, in 864 King Charles the Bald of France ordered particular defensive measures against the marauding Vikings. Pirate Princes had obviously not taken such measures and took the award. It was also the day in 1579 when Sir Francis Drake landed in California and claimed the whole lot for Blighty, so a lone Yank had to be found in the shape of Fang. It was also the Feast Day of St James the Great, which Godfather obliged on behalf of Swinger.

Celebrity Awards went to Shelly (ad in paper), Ninja, Poumuli, Hot Nuts, CB, Zsa Zsa (by Chillindrina) for several photos in the Observer regarding the sustainable development meeting at Tanoa, and to Godfather for apparently being the focus of a Close to Home cartoon featuring short-short speedos.

A special celebrity award was given to Lewinsky for a) hosting a regional big-wig at On the Rocks, b) normally his guests are taken away by the cops, not brought there by the cops, and c) for the first time in history he turned the music down before the curfew!

The GM had noticed that one of the Hash Meres was acting a bit like a jolly happy bunny rabbit, and questioned Screamer as to why this was. A simple no comment sufficed. The GM had also arrived early, and finding a fellow Hasher who is normally accompanied by his wife, was informed that Eveready was here single so he could check out the women. But unfortunately Karaoke arrived after all. A special present in the form of a booby can cover was presented, which Eveready kept wearing under his shirt!

Captain Marc back from his va’a voyaging was welcomed back by the GM, and to celebrate had a down down with Captain Mortein – captains united indeed! Dumass introduced the Latecummers Tony, Diana and Mark who will be representing Samoa at the SPG in Noumea. The Keeper of the Hash Mugs was then questioned about their non-appearance, to which Lewinsky claimed to have been attacked by hooligans and robbed on the way to Hash. This was up there with my homework ate my dog.
Opening up for nominations, Princess of Darkness nominated Kamikaze for his imminent departure and for being the first Hasher to bring a suitcase to Hash. This dedication to Hash was deemed needing a large one, as Kamikaze was on his way to airport straight from Hash. Wouldn’t want to sit next to him on the plane! Hot Nuts joined him for a Sparking Confusion Award for trying to explain why the suitcase.
Sassygirl BJ nominated Steakman for the Early Bird Award for getting to Hash before everyone and then parking himself next to the keg – before the run! DMT nominated CB for his attempted airport pick-up in which he managed to break off his carkey in the petrol lock. Interrupting this flow, the GM nominated Horny Ho for the Pimping Award, for trying to set up a lady with a married man.

The Mad Hash Monk appeared out of nowhere, and called for a naughty Hash Mere, who was a bit of a hooker (in touch rugby, mind you) and an avid fisherwoman who plays with hooks and lures. From henceforth Shelly shall be known as HookerLua.(I noted that the GM has a different spelling for her - needs to be sorted)

Proboner was a latecummer again, and Captain Marc, in the French equivalent of an FBI speech, asked the Hash to send some good thoughts to the va’a crew – which the GM decided that Marc could do for us. The GM also called forth soon to be leaving Snake Family, with Snake taking a double for not checking that his offspring was capless during the award.

Poumuli presented some gifts he had picked up on his travels. Since Tiger Woody is less frequent, and Monica is blown even less frequently, he presented Lewinsky with an alternative On-On instrument, a whistle tastefully shaped like an organ. Lewinsky had POD blow it, but even she was complaining she couldn’t get her lips around it – oh dear. The GM who is known to undergo quite some stress, was given a special stress reliever squeeze to in the shape of a booby.

The Hare and the Hosts were then saluted in the traditional manner. There was also some discussion about the Father’s Day Run, which if it does turn out to be a public holiday will be organized at Tafatafa by Steakman.

On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Hash Run 1580 - Huka Lua & Lenora @ Vaoala

Morning All,
Apologies for the late posting. There's been a change of host's for next weeks run. It was originally supposed to be with Mike & Renee at Y-Not Bar, but now, it will be hosted by Huka Lua & Lenora up at Huka Lua's (Shelly's) Home in Vaoala.

Head up the Cross Island Rd and turn off where you see the sign for Le Spa Le Lalelei just before the entrance to the Shrine of 3 Hearts. Head right down to the end of the driveway.

There will be a keg as usual and the hosts will be providing the food. Make sure to bring a change of clothes as it gets a bit chilly up there in the evenings.

See Map below for directions.

On On

Hash Trash 1578

Greetings all - another fine literary piece from Tallyho.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Know Your Fellow Hashmen and Meres
FRB - Front Running Bastards (eg,CB, Hotnuts, Seismic, Zsa Zsa, Pussysnatcher, and other such nose-in-air hashmen )
FWB - Front Walking Bastards, usually only found at the start of the run as the pack shambles off in search of paper, often gossiping hashmeres and tamaititis who only run 50 yards before getting puffed
MRB - Middle Running Bastards, solid hashmen all including Godfather, Swinger, Poumouli, Tallyho, Lewinsky, and hashmere Ring Ring as well as SOTB, Steakman, Kiwi and Crime (when they’re not SCBs)
BRB - Back Running Bastards, the Whippers-in of the BWBs, (Snake is usually the hashman here), and other mature hashman such as Orgy, EverReady, hashmeres SassyGirl and Karaoke on a good day)
BWB - Back Walking Bastards most of the hashmeres and the really old and decrepit hashmen
SCB - Short Cutting Bastards, e.g. Kiwi, Crime, Snake, when he isn’t a BRB, and Steakman when he can find another SCB who knows the trail
NRB - Non Running Bastards, aka Late Cumming Bastards usually found already lurking by the keg when the FRBs get back from the run, e.g. Crash & AC/DC.'

How long is a piece of string? How short is a short-bread biscuit? These are a just couple of the questions that have exercised the minds of the great philosophers for centuries. So here we were on Monday posed with a similar philosophical challenge by the hare SOTB; “when the FRBs get half way round the trail they should stop and call a hash-halt to let the BWBs catch-up”. So there we had a conundrum to exercise the collective minds of the assembled pack, well collectively the pack would be hard-pressed to make one single mind between them, as it shuffled, as ever, down the garden path into the unknown. So there was the question: the pack knew the start point for the run, and it knew the end point for the run, but the bit in the middle was hidden as if by Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility. So how would the FRBs know when the half-way point of the had been reached; the philosophers of old might have argued that since we knew the start point and we knew the end point and they were at the same place then the half-way point must also be at this point of singularity.

Therefore the hash-halt should happen at the moment we started the run, and if this was half-way then we simply needed to turn round and we were back at the keg of the fluid of sustenance without actually going anywhere. But since the keg was still warm this was not really an option for the true hashman and the pack headed-off in search of paper. Several smart-arse FRBs led by Tallyho headed to the main road and checked up and down before the cry of on-back was called and the pack staggered-off through the bush at the back of the petrol station. Clearly this area is not often visited by such a motley assortment of specimens; some dressed as pirates and some dressed as vagrants – well Steakman was just dressed as himself. The dogs were in a frenzy, the tamaititi were wide-eyed in fear, running away with cries of “palagi palagi” no doubt remembering the age-old threat that if they misbehaved the palagi would come and take them away and sell them into slavery in Peru, and the local-lads actually stopped playing touch and volleyball in amazement at seeing the hash pack appearing from the bush. So it was finally out into Vaiusu Road and left up towards the sports complex. Up Vaiusu Road, up the road some more and up the road even more until about half-way up the FRBs led by ZsaZsa with relatively new hashmen Mike and Ben took a right, followed by Hotnuts, Tallyho, Seismic, Kamikaze and hashmere Lenora. As ever the FFRBs were nose-in-the-air arse-in-gear running headlong into oblivion and would have been half-way to Vaitele if Hotnuts had not been keeping his beady little eyes open and spotted a cunningly hidden on-back “X” of paper behind a container.

So back down to Vaiusu Road and up ever more until the Talimatau Road was reached by the Sepp-Blatter-Vote soccer pitches. It was here that the philosophical question of whether this might be “half-way” was debated. Some said yes, others notably Hotnuts said no, and that in his opinion “SOTB was a responsible hare and would have marked the hash-halt properly”. This statement was met with general derision, and about as true as saying that Steakman could be a Tom Cruise lookalike; Swinger just kept checking looking for paper, but the majority really couldn’t care a stuff, they were just thankful for a breather after a very long climb up the road. And so on-down towards the Vailoa Road where even Hotnuts agreed a hash-halt should be called and the remnants of the pack gradually came together. By this time the pack was spread out from Vailoa Road to somewhere in Vaiusu and only about a dozen or so hashmen and meres reached this HH. Having been a road-run almost all the way so far, would the hare at least show some initiative and take the pack through the reserve to see the old hydropower station that was sadly missed last week too. No clearly not, it was straight down Vailoa Road. And was that paper from EverReady and Karaoke’s run from last week, who knows?? Somewhere down the road there was a deviation to the left but by this time the pack was heading for the by-now cold keg and the scent of the fluid of sustenance drove them on home.

Know Your Hash Trail
Regular clumps or strands of hash-paper; you’re on the trail, stick with it, you can’t go wrong if you are on-paper unless you cum across:-
Circle of paper; this is a hash check, check for the true trail in all directions, this will be signified by the reappearance of regular paper, or if you find a
X (Crossed paper); you are on a False trail, check back to last sighting of paper or last hash check and search for the true trail
HH; indicates a Hash Halt, stop and wait till the BRB’s and BWB’s have caught up, unless they make no effort to run, in which case leave the bastards behind. However breaking Hash Halt before the on-on command is a dobbable offence
HP; this is a Hash Pause, don’t wait for the BWBs to catch-up, just spot them in the distance get going again, leave the bastards to find their own way
Paper stops, same as X you’re on a falsie, check back and search for the true trail
Paper scattered all over the trail; some little tamaititi has destroyed a check or X, use initiative, or give up and return to keg
No paper; you’re lost; head for the setting sun or the keg of the fluid of sustenance, whichever is closer
On On

SOTB as the hare, clearly reckoned that he couldn’t handle the responsibility for the trail and the circle so Hotnuts was summarily called to be Guest GM for the evening. To start there were no new footprints/virgin runners but a gaggle of failures were called or pushed forward to explain themselves: Snake had been in NZ feeding the chooks, Snake Bite & Venom had been at school, Kamikaze had been in the land of the rising sun, and Ben and Mike had been in Oz… watching rugby?? Kamikaze had been away so long that he forgot to remove his hat and so got another DD to remind him next time he holidays in Samoa. Venom had new shoes, Sassy and SOTB got a media award for the family being on TV and Swinger nobly stepped forward to take the media award for Godfather, who had appeared on the radio, but had pulled a fetlock and gone lame on the run. Good job he’s no longer in the FRB racing-stable but more of a stud-stallion otherwise he would have been dispatched to the knackers yard.
For this day in history Captain Mortein, as usual, found himself being called forward as the nearest living relative to a Bolshevik for the execution of the Czar in 1918, and Ben as a Swiss Cheese was the nearest thing the hash had to a Frog for Bastille Day. Sassy celebrated Ted Kennedy’s crash at Chappaquiddick in 1969 by having a crash herself during the week, and Steakman got the Nelson Mandela birthday award for probably being the oldest hashman, well at least he looks like the oldest hashman. This week in history Monica started work at the Clinton White House and Lewinsky was proud to do a swallow for her, although he was standing and she, by all accounts, was probably kneeling when doing hers.

It was the International Day of Justice but since ProBoner was still AWOL at this point her closer living rellie stepped forward, who else but Lewinsky, and like his namesake always happy to do a swallow in the cause. In the same vein, so to speak, Orgy celebrated the mapping of the syphilis genome in 1998, thereby making the cure easier and making orgies less risky for all hashmen. Poumouli had advised your scribe not to forget that it was St Arsenesis’ Day, where he finds these saints days I have no idea, they must have very strange religions in darkest Norway, and how TG came to get the DD for this has been smudged on the scribes notes. For this day in AHHH history, 15 years ago Akira set the run (791) in Vaoala where the hash saw a wonderful sunset over Savaii from the top of the hill above Moamoa; Kamikaze as Akira’s nearest living rellie stood in for the DD; ten years ago the hash had a run (1062) at Afiamalu and made its one-and-so-far-only run to radio/tv masts the top of Mt Fiamoe; the veterans of that run were Karaoke, EverReady, Tallyho, Fang and Snake.

With the smell of fresh DD in the nostrils the pack was now baying for more dobs: Mike and Ben were first-up for being the FRBs failing to spot the paper, they claimed they were under instruction from ZsaZsa who had already buggered-off so Tallyho gave an exhibition of how FRBs should be looking-looking as well as running-running. Mike and POD were next-up, or rather sat-down on the ice, for the ignominy of being Australians to be gloated over for the loss to the Manu. Some perverted hashman was quick to study the relative rates of ice-melt from Mike and POD rear ends on the bags of ice; Mike’s arse was clearly hotter than POD’s, but I suppose only Lewinsky could comment on the latter so we’ll move on. Lenora was awarded a special for the being the FRBitch, as she began to flag in the swallow Hotnuts was quick to grab the mug to finish the DD. Crime got a good Samaritan award for leading the lame Godfather back to the stable and Snake and Steakman got the SCB-of-the-week award. SqueakyClean and Stargasm appeared in something called the Attway publication; your Scribe is not sure what this is but must have something to do with hasmeres. Hotnuts took a DD for being GM but not wearing a hash shirt, and Toothfairy, Tina and SOTB took their’s for the hosting and hares, and also for being “best-dressed” as pirates. At this point a fresh-looking ProBoner appeared and took a DD for being selected for the SPG Judo team, so she must be a good defence counsel in more ways than one. The keg was now beginning to float so the delicious food was most welcome, and most enjoyable so many thanks to the hosts for a great spread.

Toodle Pip and On On
Tallyho

Hash Run 1579 - Snake Family @ Snake Pit 2 in Vaitele

Morning All,

Next weeks run will be hosted by the Snake Family at the Snake Pit 2 at Vaitele (Senese School). We've done a few runs from here so you should all know the directions to the place. There is no theme for Monday but check back later on in case there is a change.

As usual, there will be a keg and food on Monday, so bring your Hash Cash and running shoes....There is also word that the hash Monk will be there on Monday...provided there are no ash clouds that will slow down the monks long journey.

Map is posted below for directions.

On On